Tuesday, September 05, 2006
From a Dream
I tried not to wake you when I crawled into bed, but you looked so peaceful lying there asleep that I wanted to lay my head on your chest to know you were real.... my cheek touched your skin and your arms wrapped around me tightly, rolling me onto my side and as you curled yourself up behind me, you mumbled something that sounded like "what's the matter, babe?" - and my response, a whisper as I settled into your embrace feeling warm and safe - "not a damn thing."
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
So much better
I made a commitment to myself many months ago.
It was about how I was going to handle my personal relationships - or rather - how I was not going to handle them.
In my 41 years on this planet, I have never been courted. I have fallen into easy relationships, or I have gone after ones that I have wanted in the past, but I'm not doing that anymore.
Nope, that's right. If you want me, the move is yours and you'd better make it, because I won't.
I struggle with that, make no mistake. Old habits die hard, and they are always lurking in the back of my mind, waiting to spring out at absolutely the wrong time.
I do my best to beat them down /wink.
I've been alone now for about 2 years. That's a pretty long stretch for me. Typically, I'd be out pounding the "pavement" so to speak, looking for someone to at least keep my bed warm.
But being picky has it's advantages, I'm thinking. And, to be honest, I'm not feeling any major "hurry up" urge to seek out "the next one." either. Of course it'd be nice to have someone, and my bed does get a might cold - but I've got some major new-found confidence in the last several months, and right now, that's keeping me plenty toasty /wink.
I went to Philadelphia this past weekend, to spend time with a group of people (mostly my "guild") from Everquest. Some that I've known for years, some I've not known as long. I had an absolutely amazing time, and I have to say that I looked better - and especially - I felt better than I have in Years. 2 years ago, I would not have made that trip. But so much has changed for me in that time, that I absolutely needed to go. And I'm so fucking happy that I did.
I am currently 35.2 pounds from my weightloss goal. Who'd have thought? It hasn't even quite been a year yet :) I'd love to be 30 pounds from goal when my "band-iversary" rolls around in 3 weeks, but we'll see. I'm damn happy being where I am.
It's all good. All of it.
Take advantage of whatever makes you smile today. The more you smile, the better you feel.
It was about how I was going to handle my personal relationships - or rather - how I was not going to handle them.
In my 41 years on this planet, I have never been courted. I have fallen into easy relationships, or I have gone after ones that I have wanted in the past, but I'm not doing that anymore.
Nope, that's right. If you want me, the move is yours and you'd better make it, because I won't.
I struggle with that, make no mistake. Old habits die hard, and they are always lurking in the back of my mind, waiting to spring out at absolutely the wrong time.
I do my best to beat them down /wink.
I've been alone now for about 2 years. That's a pretty long stretch for me. Typically, I'd be out pounding the "pavement" so to speak, looking for someone to at least keep my bed warm.
But being picky has it's advantages, I'm thinking. And, to be honest, I'm not feeling any major "hurry up" urge to seek out "the next one." either. Of course it'd be nice to have someone, and my bed does get a might cold - but I've got some major new-found confidence in the last several months, and right now, that's keeping me plenty toasty /wink.
I went to Philadelphia this past weekend, to spend time with a group of people (mostly my "guild") from Everquest. Some that I've known for years, some I've not known as long. I had an absolutely amazing time, and I have to say that I looked better - and especially - I felt better than I have in Years. 2 years ago, I would not have made that trip. But so much has changed for me in that time, that I absolutely needed to go. And I'm so fucking happy that I did.
I am currently 35.2 pounds from my weightloss goal. Who'd have thought? It hasn't even quite been a year yet :) I'd love to be 30 pounds from goal when my "band-iversary" rolls around in 3 weeks, but we'll see. I'm damn happy being where I am.
It's all good. All of it.
Take advantage of whatever makes you smile today. The more you smile, the better you feel.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Conflicts
Listening to: Nickleback
All's well here. Trying to slow things down enough so that I can update a bit more often as well as take better care of some things that need taken care of.
I'm a conflict.
I'm a very logical person. That's what makes me good at my job. I like black and white, yes and no, stay and go. I like absolutes. I like rules. I dislike living in the grey and assumptions.
I'm also a very creative person, and somewhat ethereal, as you know from reading here.
These two things do not go together very well. Now that my work on Me has started winding down, those two parts of me have started to do battle for control. /sigh
It'll run it's course
I wonder who'll win :)
All's well here. Trying to slow things down enough so that I can update a bit more often as well as take better care of some things that need taken care of.
I'm a conflict.
I'm a very logical person. That's what makes me good at my job. I like black and white, yes and no, stay and go. I like absolutes. I like rules. I dislike living in the grey and assumptions.
I'm also a very creative person, and somewhat ethereal, as you know from reading here.
These two things do not go together very well. Now that my work on Me has started winding down, those two parts of me have started to do battle for control. /sigh
It'll run it's course
I wonder who'll win :)
Sunday, August 06, 2006
catch up!
It’s a lazy rainy Sunday morning. Let’s play catch up.
What’s going on with me: Well, work and lots of it. Writing when I can; I finished a brief outline on the book I’ve been working on for 2 years, hoping it will motivate me to start piecing together the bits and pieces I’ve written and filling in the missing stuff. I had a fill in the band, and met one goal, started working on another. Started a long arduous process of some much-needed dental work on my lower teeth. Been playing EQ and WoW sporadically.
I’m on the fourth book of the Song of Ice and Fire Trilogy by George RR Martin. I’m enthralled by series, and will be sad when I reach the end of this book.
I’m taking a long weekend at the end of this month to go visit friends in Philly.
My ex still hasn’t filed divorce papers. I’m beginning to wonder if he really wanted one as badly as he seemed to think /shrug. Time will tell I guess.
Do I have a love life? No. Do I want a love life? Not really, not right now. A sex life might be nice though ?
Okay, you’re caught up.
Maybe now I can get busy with some more fun stuff to write about ?
What’s going on with me: Well, work and lots of it. Writing when I can; I finished a brief outline on the book I’ve been working on for 2 years, hoping it will motivate me to start piecing together the bits and pieces I’ve written and filling in the missing stuff. I had a fill in the band, and met one goal, started working on another. Started a long arduous process of some much-needed dental work on my lower teeth. Been playing EQ and WoW sporadically.
I’m on the fourth book of the Song of Ice and Fire Trilogy by George RR Martin. I’m enthralled by series, and will be sad when I reach the end of this book.
I’m taking a long weekend at the end of this month to go visit friends in Philly.
My ex still hasn’t filed divorce papers. I’m beginning to wonder if he really wanted one as badly as he seemed to think /shrug. Time will tell I guess.
Do I have a love life? No. Do I want a love life? Not really, not right now. A sex life might be nice though ?
Okay, you’re caught up.
Maybe now I can get busy with some more fun stuff to write about ?
Saturday, July 29, 2006
What takes time
Okay, so I know I haven't updated this in weeks, and my deepest apologies for that. Work got me busy and stressed, and I've been distracting myself in (unfortunately) mostly non-sexual ways to disarm that.
I have, however, spent a great deal of time working on a story. A simple little story, that didn't start out to be any big deal, but, in the end, is 24 pages long and quite a lengthy exploration of mental dominance and submission. It was much harder to write than I imagined it would be, but in the end, I'm glad that I wrote it. It started as a conversation with a friend - and grew into a fantasy of mammoth proportions. I'll quote the first part below.
Hopefully, though, I'll get back to updating here more.
Working Title: The Suit
Copyright 2006, KA
All Rights Reserved
She knew the type.
Dressed as he was, he had to be a businessman. Maybe visiting from out of town, as she'd never seen him here before. The only word she could come up with to describer him, was sharp. He looked the type to want to tie a beautiful thin woman up in robes while she was wearing sexy lingerie and take pictures of her. Then maybe bend her over a table and fuck her quietly. He was neat-looking, clean and there was an aura of elegance around him that she couldn't ignore. Defintely not her type.
She looked down at her black jeans and red blouse. There was a scuff on her right boot from driving. Her long wavy blonde hair was lose and a little messy. She chided herself for judging him by his appearance, wondering how people would judge her by her dress.
She sat down at a table with some long-time munch acquaintances. Laughed a bit, chatted about work and people. But out of the corner of her eye, she kept seeing him, leaning against the bar and scanning the room as if he were waiting for someone. She met his eyes once, and smiled in a friendly manner, then when back to her conversation.
10 pm came, and with the man at the bar forgotten, she stood and said goodbye to her friends and walked out the small corner pub toward her car.
"Hello." A deep voice said, startling her
She whirled around to find the Suit, as she had unknowingly started calling him in her mind, standing behind her. "Oh. Hello. Something I can help you with?" She asked.
"Perhaps. Why don't you come to my hotel tomorrow night for a drink, and we'll find out." He held out what looked like 2 business cards.
She swallowed hard. It had been weeks since she'd had a play date, and although she was craving one, she was positive this man was not her type. She reached up and took the cards anyway, deciding that she could always call the hotel and cancel.
"Say thank you."
"Hm?" She asked, staring down at the cards in her hand.
"Say thank you." he repeated, his voice a little deeper.
"Oh." She looked up again at him, smiling apologetically. "I'm sorry. Of course. Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow night." Before she could change her mind, she turned on her heel and walked quickly away.
Not my type, not my type, not my type, she repeated to herself as she managed to tame her wild mass of humidity induced curls into a pair of silver barrettes. This is a waste of a good Friday night, she thought and then laughed to herself. "And what?" she said aloud. "You had something better to do than go have a drink with a nice gentleman in a fancy hotel bar?"
She had dressed for him. Over the top of her expensive white lace bra and panties, she'd put on a cream colored blouse and a chocolate brown skirt that came past her knees. Thigh high hose and a pair of brown suede pumps would complete the outfit. Not too sexy, not too formal, but a lady-like outfit all the same. In his response to her email this morning (she'd taken the address off his card and asked him what time he'd like her to meet him), he'd told her to dress in an outfit befitting the meeting place. She'd only been in the hotel bar once, but she knew it wasn't a place for jeans and tshirts.
Her make-up complete, she walked back into the bedroom and stood before the full length mirror. Turning, she made sure that she looked presentable. "Why do I care so much?" she asked aloud. "I don't even know this guy, and he's not my type, and he's not going to give me anything that I want." Huffing at her reflection, she turned away from the mirror and picked up her shoes. "Maybe I just need something else to care about."
After turning her car over the valet, she strode confidently into the dimly lit lobby of the huge hotel. On the drive over, she'd convinced herself that a drink with a nice man and some intelligent conversation would be a good change for her from the guys that she typically dated, and that she intended to enjoy it for what it was. A drink and nothing more.
Stepping into the dark bar, she headed for a high stool near the bartender, and ordered herself a glass of white wine. The bartender smiled politely as he set the glass down in front of her, and wandered off, leaving her staring at her own reflection in the mirror behind. She purposefully turned herself away from the entrance, and busied her hands with the wine glass.
"Hello."
Taking a deep breath, she turned her stood around, a ready smile on her face. "Hello."
He cocked his head toward a dark corner of the bar, where a few high back booths were situated, and then offered his hand to help her down off the stool. "Sit there. I'll be with you momentarily." He picked her glass up off the bar and handed it to her, and then turned away.
Undaunted, she turned from him and walked over to the corner, and chose a booth. Pulling her skirt under her, she slid in and sipped her wine. Before she had set the glass back down, he appeared beside her, and slid into the other side.
"You chose well."
"Hm?"
"The outfit. It suits your hair and skin tone well." He had dressed nearly identically to how he was the night before. Black suit, white shirt, deep burgundy tie. "But the earrings are too big. Take them off."
Her eyes widened a bit at him, but without thinking, she reached up and slipped her beloved silver hoops out of her ears. She turned, to open her purse, but he reached out his hand for them. Reluctantly, she gave them to him.
"You can have them back later." He put them into the breast pocket of his suit, and patted it. "You won't need them for awhile."
Still unsmiling, she looked at him. His blue eyes had a bit of gold flecked into them, and they were smiling at her, as were his full lips.
"Nervous?" he asked.
"I wasn't."
"But you are now."
"Those are my favorite earrings."
"You don't trust me to hold them?"
"You have them, don't you?"
He laughed softly. "You have quite a mouth on you."
"Yes, I suppose I do."
"I don't like the word suppose. You either do, or you don't."
"Then, yes, I do." she raised an eyebrow at him.
"I don't like meek creatures."
"There's a lot you don't like." she said cheekily.
"There's a lot that I do like."
She leaned back in the booth, her arms crossed in front of her. She tilted her head and looked at him again. Last night, the only word she could come up with to describe him was sharp. It still seemed to be the perfect word.
"Like what?"
"Intelligence and wit, both of which you seem to have."
She nodded slightly, allowing herself to be a little arrogant. "And?"
He laughed softly at her again. "Aren't I supposed to be asking you these questions?"
"I don't know. Are you?"
"Enough with the cockiness." he said simply. "Do you know how much it does not suit you?"
She didn't answer.
"Confidence is one thing. I don't like insolence."
"More that you don't like." She mumbled softly.
"Better than you know what I don't like up front. Saves nasty surprises for you later on."
She looked him in the eye again. "Speaking of arrogance, you've already assumed that..."
"I don't think there's a question of that, is there?" he asked, picking up his drink and taking a healthy sip of it. "We both know you're coming upstairs with me."
"We do?"
"We do."
She looked down at the table again.
"I don't see any reason to beat around the bush. You're attracted to me. I'm attracted to you. You obviously saw something in me that lured you, as you don't appear to be the type of woman who's desperate for male attention. You want something from me, as I want something from you. Question is, are you willing to give it to get what you want."
She pictured herself tied up prettily in white rope, against her white lingerie, against her white skin. She liked bondage - loved it, actually - but there was more to it for her that that.
"You've already made assumptions about me, I can tell." he said quietly.
She nodded. "As you've likely made about me."
"Quite." He sipped his drink again, and pushed her wineglass closer to her, indicating she should take a drink. "So, tell me what it is that you're seeking. Pain?"
"Some."
"Humilation?"
"Some." she said quietly, looking around. There were people in the booth directly behind her.
"Bondage?"
She nodded, her eyes imploring him to keep his voice down.
"Sex? Oral? Anal?" he ignored her unspoken plea, and she felt herself go bright red. He smiled at her. "So pretty when you blush, my dear, but answer the question."
"Sex is sometimes a part of it, sure..." she said very quietly. "It doesn't have to be, but it is sometimes."
"It will be." He said firmly. "Explain your limits to me."
She groaned softly. "Couldn't we discuss this..."
"Here. Now."
Her cheeks burned. "Typical limits, I guess." she replied quietly. "Nothing that would land someone in jail or the hospital...."
"So, that's all then."
"Well..."
"I thought not." He tapped his fingers on the table. "Tell me."
"That's all my hard limits, but..." she hesitated. "There are things I don't do with people the first time I play with them..."
"Such as."
"Gags, for one." She swallowed hard. "Heavy pain..."
"And?"
She looked at him, frowning. "Couldn't we please talk about this..."
"Here. Now. Don't make me say it again."
She sighed heavily, and picked up her wineglass, draining it. "Anal sex on a first playdate is unacceptable. Other than those few things, I typically allow things to progress naturally."
He nodded, pleased. "Safeword?"
"On the first few dates, yes."
"Wineglass."
"Hm?"
"Your safeword is wineglass. And now that yours is empty, I think it's time we moved up to my suite."
"Wait." She said urgently. "You haven't told me anything about..."
He smiled and leaned back in the booth. "About what? Don't you already have your mind made up about me?"
Startled, she did not reply.
"You assume that you know what I like. You have, since your eyes first passed over me in the bar last night. I could see it on your face. Why don't you tell me what you believe my wants to be?"
"That's not fair."
"Oh? Why is that? You've pre-judged me. Why is it not fair that I know what you think?"
"But..."
"You don't like to be wrong."
She looked at him.
"You're a smart girl. The last thing you want is to have your instincts and your intelligence called into question."
"Maybe."
"Maybe is another word I do not like." he said simply.
She sighed again and crossed her legs under the table, an uncomfortable warmth spreading from her cheeks, down to her chest and beyond.
"You like to dance on the edge. I can see that silver glint in your eyes, I know it when I see it. You think I'm far too well-dressed and stiff to be able to take you there." He paused. "And you may well be right."
She remained silent, looking at the empty wineglass before her, willing it to be refilled.
"But you won't know for sure until you give me a spin, will you?"
"No."
"Then let's spin."
As soon as the elevator door closed behind them, he ran his hand up her back, and placed his paln against the back of her neck. She watched nervously as he pressed the button for the 22nd floor. He tightened his hand around the back of her neck just a bit, and remained silent. They rode up that way.
When the door opened, he nudged her with his hand, and she walked out in front of him. His hand stayed on her neck, guiding her down the long, lushly carpeted hallway, to a door at the opposite end. Without letting go of her, he slipped a keycard out of his jacket pocket and unlocked the door, leading her inside.
The room was light lowly with a few lamps in the background and appeared to her to be the living room of a large suite. She heard the door shut behind her and jumped a bit. There was a plain wooden chair in the center of the large expanse of space, and he led her to it.
"Sit." Taking his hand from the back of her neck, he turned and walked toward what she assumed was the kitchen area.
She sat down in the chair, it's hard back and seat supporting her firmly. She crossed her legs, and lay her purse on the lap. And waited.
He walked back into the room, carrying two glasses of what looked like ice water. She had expected him to have at least loosened his tie, or taken off his jacket while he was gone, but he had done neither, and for some reason, that disarmed her.
He set the glasses down on an end table, on two available coasters, and turned to look at her. "Uncross your legs." he walked toward her, and took her purse from her lap, laying it on the end table by the water glasses. "Cross your ankles to the side if you must, but do not cross your legs in front of me."
She did as he asked, reluctantly. For some reason, the move made her feel innately vulnerable, and she wasn't ready for that. Yet.
"You should have worn your hair up. I prefer it."
Blushing again, she stayed quiet and watched as he pulled a chair identical to her own across the room, and set it in front of her, leaving a space of about three feet between them. She almost felt as if she wanted to apologize, and the idea of it snapped her back to reality.
----
Nope, that's all you get! :)
I have, however, spent a great deal of time working on a story. A simple little story, that didn't start out to be any big deal, but, in the end, is 24 pages long and quite a lengthy exploration of mental dominance and submission. It was much harder to write than I imagined it would be, but in the end, I'm glad that I wrote it. It started as a conversation with a friend - and grew into a fantasy of mammoth proportions. I'll quote the first part below.
Hopefully, though, I'll get back to updating here more.
Working Title: The Suit
Copyright 2006, KA
All Rights Reserved
She knew the type.
Dressed as he was, he had to be a businessman. Maybe visiting from out of town, as she'd never seen him here before. The only word she could come up with to describer him, was sharp. He looked the type to want to tie a beautiful thin woman up in robes while she was wearing sexy lingerie and take pictures of her. Then maybe bend her over a table and fuck her quietly. He was neat-looking, clean and there was an aura of elegance around him that she couldn't ignore. Defintely not her type.
She looked down at her black jeans and red blouse. There was a scuff on her right boot from driving. Her long wavy blonde hair was lose and a little messy. She chided herself for judging him by his appearance, wondering how people would judge her by her dress.
She sat down at a table with some long-time munch acquaintances. Laughed a bit, chatted about work and people. But out of the corner of her eye, she kept seeing him, leaning against the bar and scanning the room as if he were waiting for someone. She met his eyes once, and smiled in a friendly manner, then when back to her conversation.
10 pm came, and with the man at the bar forgotten, she stood and said goodbye to her friends and walked out the small corner pub toward her car.
"Hello." A deep voice said, startling her
She whirled around to find the Suit, as she had unknowingly started calling him in her mind, standing behind her. "Oh. Hello. Something I can help you with?" She asked.
"Perhaps. Why don't you come to my hotel tomorrow night for a drink, and we'll find out." He held out what looked like 2 business cards.
She swallowed hard. It had been weeks since she'd had a play date, and although she was craving one, she was positive this man was not her type. She reached up and took the cards anyway, deciding that she could always call the hotel and cancel.
"Say thank you."
"Hm?" She asked, staring down at the cards in her hand.
"Say thank you." he repeated, his voice a little deeper.
"Oh." She looked up again at him, smiling apologetically. "I'm sorry. Of course. Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow night." Before she could change her mind, she turned on her heel and walked quickly away.
Not my type, not my type, not my type, she repeated to herself as she managed to tame her wild mass of humidity induced curls into a pair of silver barrettes. This is a waste of a good Friday night, she thought and then laughed to herself. "And what?" she said aloud. "You had something better to do than go have a drink with a nice gentleman in a fancy hotel bar?"
She had dressed for him. Over the top of her expensive white lace bra and panties, she'd put on a cream colored blouse and a chocolate brown skirt that came past her knees. Thigh high hose and a pair of brown suede pumps would complete the outfit. Not too sexy, not too formal, but a lady-like outfit all the same. In his response to her email this morning (she'd taken the address off his card and asked him what time he'd like her to meet him), he'd told her to dress in an outfit befitting the meeting place. She'd only been in the hotel bar once, but she knew it wasn't a place for jeans and tshirts.
Her make-up complete, she walked back into the bedroom and stood before the full length mirror. Turning, she made sure that she looked presentable. "Why do I care so much?" she asked aloud. "I don't even know this guy, and he's not my type, and he's not going to give me anything that I want." Huffing at her reflection, she turned away from the mirror and picked up her shoes. "Maybe I just need something else to care about."
After turning her car over the valet, she strode confidently into the dimly lit lobby of the huge hotel. On the drive over, she'd convinced herself that a drink with a nice man and some intelligent conversation would be a good change for her from the guys that she typically dated, and that she intended to enjoy it for what it was. A drink and nothing more.
Stepping into the dark bar, she headed for a high stool near the bartender, and ordered herself a glass of white wine. The bartender smiled politely as he set the glass down in front of her, and wandered off, leaving her staring at her own reflection in the mirror behind. She purposefully turned herself away from the entrance, and busied her hands with the wine glass.
"Hello."
Taking a deep breath, she turned her stood around, a ready smile on her face. "Hello."
He cocked his head toward a dark corner of the bar, where a few high back booths were situated, and then offered his hand to help her down off the stool. "Sit there. I'll be with you momentarily." He picked her glass up off the bar and handed it to her, and then turned away.
Undaunted, she turned from him and walked over to the corner, and chose a booth. Pulling her skirt under her, she slid in and sipped her wine. Before she had set the glass back down, he appeared beside her, and slid into the other side.
"You chose well."
"Hm?"
"The outfit. It suits your hair and skin tone well." He had dressed nearly identically to how he was the night before. Black suit, white shirt, deep burgundy tie. "But the earrings are too big. Take them off."
Her eyes widened a bit at him, but without thinking, she reached up and slipped her beloved silver hoops out of her ears. She turned, to open her purse, but he reached out his hand for them. Reluctantly, she gave them to him.
"You can have them back later." He put them into the breast pocket of his suit, and patted it. "You won't need them for awhile."
Still unsmiling, she looked at him. His blue eyes had a bit of gold flecked into them, and they were smiling at her, as were his full lips.
"Nervous?" he asked.
"I wasn't."
"But you are now."
"Those are my favorite earrings."
"You don't trust me to hold them?"
"You have them, don't you?"
He laughed softly. "You have quite a mouth on you."
"Yes, I suppose I do."
"I don't like the word suppose. You either do, or you don't."
"Then, yes, I do." she raised an eyebrow at him.
"I don't like meek creatures."
"There's a lot you don't like." she said cheekily.
"There's a lot that I do like."
She leaned back in the booth, her arms crossed in front of her. She tilted her head and looked at him again. Last night, the only word she could come up with to describe him was sharp. It still seemed to be the perfect word.
"Like what?"
"Intelligence and wit, both of which you seem to have."
She nodded slightly, allowing herself to be a little arrogant. "And?"
He laughed softly at her again. "Aren't I supposed to be asking you these questions?"
"I don't know. Are you?"
"Enough with the cockiness." he said simply. "Do you know how much it does not suit you?"
She didn't answer.
"Confidence is one thing. I don't like insolence."
"More that you don't like." She mumbled softly.
"Better than you know what I don't like up front. Saves nasty surprises for you later on."
She looked him in the eye again. "Speaking of arrogance, you've already assumed that..."
"I don't think there's a question of that, is there?" he asked, picking up his drink and taking a healthy sip of it. "We both know you're coming upstairs with me."
"We do?"
"We do."
She looked down at the table again.
"I don't see any reason to beat around the bush. You're attracted to me. I'm attracted to you. You obviously saw something in me that lured you, as you don't appear to be the type of woman who's desperate for male attention. You want something from me, as I want something from you. Question is, are you willing to give it to get what you want."
She pictured herself tied up prettily in white rope, against her white lingerie, against her white skin. She liked bondage - loved it, actually - but there was more to it for her that that.
"You've already made assumptions about me, I can tell." he said quietly.
She nodded. "As you've likely made about me."
"Quite." He sipped his drink again, and pushed her wineglass closer to her, indicating she should take a drink. "So, tell me what it is that you're seeking. Pain?"
"Some."
"Humilation?"
"Some." she said quietly, looking around. There were people in the booth directly behind her.
"Bondage?"
She nodded, her eyes imploring him to keep his voice down.
"Sex? Oral? Anal?" he ignored her unspoken plea, and she felt herself go bright red. He smiled at her. "So pretty when you blush, my dear, but answer the question."
"Sex is sometimes a part of it, sure..." she said very quietly. "It doesn't have to be, but it is sometimes."
"It will be." He said firmly. "Explain your limits to me."
She groaned softly. "Couldn't we discuss this..."
"Here. Now."
Her cheeks burned. "Typical limits, I guess." she replied quietly. "Nothing that would land someone in jail or the hospital...."
"So, that's all then."
"Well..."
"I thought not." He tapped his fingers on the table. "Tell me."
"That's all my hard limits, but..." she hesitated. "There are things I don't do with people the first time I play with them..."
"Such as."
"Gags, for one." She swallowed hard. "Heavy pain..."
"And?"
She looked at him, frowning. "Couldn't we please talk about this..."
"Here. Now. Don't make me say it again."
She sighed heavily, and picked up her wineglass, draining it. "Anal sex on a first playdate is unacceptable. Other than those few things, I typically allow things to progress naturally."
He nodded, pleased. "Safeword?"
"On the first few dates, yes."
"Wineglass."
"Hm?"
"Your safeword is wineglass. And now that yours is empty, I think it's time we moved up to my suite."
"Wait." She said urgently. "You haven't told me anything about..."
He smiled and leaned back in the booth. "About what? Don't you already have your mind made up about me?"
Startled, she did not reply.
"You assume that you know what I like. You have, since your eyes first passed over me in the bar last night. I could see it on your face. Why don't you tell me what you believe my wants to be?"
"That's not fair."
"Oh? Why is that? You've pre-judged me. Why is it not fair that I know what you think?"
"But..."
"You don't like to be wrong."
She looked at him.
"You're a smart girl. The last thing you want is to have your instincts and your intelligence called into question."
"Maybe."
"Maybe is another word I do not like." he said simply.
She sighed again and crossed her legs under the table, an uncomfortable warmth spreading from her cheeks, down to her chest and beyond.
"You like to dance on the edge. I can see that silver glint in your eyes, I know it when I see it. You think I'm far too well-dressed and stiff to be able to take you there." He paused. "And you may well be right."
She remained silent, looking at the empty wineglass before her, willing it to be refilled.
"But you won't know for sure until you give me a spin, will you?"
"No."
"Then let's spin."
As soon as the elevator door closed behind them, he ran his hand up her back, and placed his paln against the back of her neck. She watched nervously as he pressed the button for the 22nd floor. He tightened his hand around the back of her neck just a bit, and remained silent. They rode up that way.
When the door opened, he nudged her with his hand, and she walked out in front of him. His hand stayed on her neck, guiding her down the long, lushly carpeted hallway, to a door at the opposite end. Without letting go of her, he slipped a keycard out of his jacket pocket and unlocked the door, leading her inside.
The room was light lowly with a few lamps in the background and appeared to her to be the living room of a large suite. She heard the door shut behind her and jumped a bit. There was a plain wooden chair in the center of the large expanse of space, and he led her to it.
"Sit." Taking his hand from the back of her neck, he turned and walked toward what she assumed was the kitchen area.
She sat down in the chair, it's hard back and seat supporting her firmly. She crossed her legs, and lay her purse on the lap. And waited.
He walked back into the room, carrying two glasses of what looked like ice water. She had expected him to have at least loosened his tie, or taken off his jacket while he was gone, but he had done neither, and for some reason, that disarmed her.
He set the glasses down on an end table, on two available coasters, and turned to look at her. "Uncross your legs." he walked toward her, and took her purse from her lap, laying it on the end table by the water glasses. "Cross your ankles to the side if you must, but do not cross your legs in front of me."
She did as he asked, reluctantly. For some reason, the move made her feel innately vulnerable, and she wasn't ready for that. Yet.
"You should have worn your hair up. I prefer it."
Blushing again, she stayed quiet and watched as he pulled a chair identical to her own across the room, and set it in front of her, leaving a space of about three feet between them. She almost felt as if she wanted to apologize, and the idea of it snapped her back to reality.
----
Nope, that's all you get! :)
Friday, June 09, 2006
And it's cloudy but good
Good walking weather today for lunchtime. Which is a good thing. I've been walking 2 miles in 30 minutes 3 days a week for a couple weeks now, since I can't seem to get on the cycle at home anymore. It's a nice break in my day, and good execise...
...and it must be doing something for me, cause... This morning, I put on a pair of washed-in-hot-water size 16 jeans~
*dance*
...and it must be doing something for me, cause... This morning, I put on a pair of washed-in-hot-water size 16 jeans~
*dance*
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Balance
As I continue to struggle (and not in a hot sexy way, either) to find a balance, I tried to sort of shut off the sexual part of myself long enough to sort things out.
Apparently, self has decided that's enough of *that*.
My mind is ticking a mile a minute again, about all sorts of things related to "giving it up" *chuckle*. I have a small list to write about, hopefully will be re-embarking on my ramble-journey soon~
Apparently, self has decided that's enough of *that*.
My mind is ticking a mile a minute again, about all sorts of things related to "giving it up" *chuckle*. I have a small list to write about, hopefully will be re-embarking on my ramble-journey soon~
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Remember this?
Heavy door (I knew it would be)
Opening into a quiet, dark entryway (I knew it would be, too)
I can’t even hear a clock ticking it’s so quiet.
He said wait.
So here, I’ll wait.
It only takes him two steps (he was close, and I didn’t know it)
To get to me, one hand (warm hand, long fingers)
To wrap around my face, and cover my mouth
The other entwining itself in long blonde hair
Pulling and pushing my head backwards at the same time, he says.
“Hello, whore.”
===
Here's a little more....
"You're late." he growled, as he pushed her up against the cold plaster wall. Pressing his right leg between hers, he kicked her feet apart and pushed his hip into the small of her back to hold her there.
She tried to speak, to tell him that she wasn't late, that he wasn't even supposed to be here yet, but his fingers pressed down harder against her lips, and all that eeked out was a moan.
He pulled roughly on her hair, and then let go, reaching down to grasp her wrists tightly into his fist. "Not what you had in mind, is it?" he sneered, pulling her hands behind her back. "You didn't really think I asked you here just to meet you, did you?" he laughed evilly, and then leaned down and whispered gruffly in her ear. "You're going to get exactly what you came for though, I assure you."
She heard a cold metal clink and then felt the steel of the cuff around her right wrist. She started to protest, but as soon as the first sound tried to slither out between his fingers, he pulled her wrists up sharply. "No one said you had a choice in this matter, did they? No? That's right, you don't." Before he had finished speaking, the other cuff was secured on her left wrist, and she was bound.
Her mind started to race, her body shivering in response to the cold metal cuffs and the chill of the wall. She hadn't dressed for cold, her short black skirt felt obscene now, when only an hour ago, it had felt as normal as jeans. The thin white blouse, tucked into the skirt, with three buttons left undone felt less proper now, and more like an invitation for something much darker than a meeting with a new friend and a glass of wine.
With one hand free now, he let her wrists drop down behind her, and with his hand still covering her mouth, stepped back to look at her. With her right cheek pressed up against the wall, long blonde hair dripping down her back, she looked more than a little scared, and he was pleased with that. Fear is a great motivator, he thought to himself as he reached around her, laying his forearm against the front of her hips and pulling her ass backwards, forcing her feet to follow, and positioning her perfectly.
"I'm going to let go of your mouth, whore, but it's not an invitation to talk. Clear?" He watched, pleased, as she shook her head slightly, and he removed his hand from her lips. "You talk when I say you talk. Move when I say you move. And do what I tell you to do." he laughed deeply. "You screwed yourself this time, slut. No safecall. No one knows you're even here. Trusting little thing. " he tsked. "Maybe you won't be so much after tonight."
Dropping his hand to the hem of her short skirt, he flipped it up over her ass, and immediately raked his fingernails roughly down her right cheek. "Since when does a whore get benefit of underwear?" he asked, not expecting an answer. "Not that it covers much. It certainly isn't enough to soak up the smell of how fucking wet you are already. Regardless, no matter how sexy you thought it was, it's in the way, and it's got to go." She felt the cold steel of a pocket knife blade against the skin of her ass, and then felt him pull the lacey red thong up her crack. She moaned and pressed her cheek up against the wall harder, as he slit the back of the panties and pulled them roughly away from her.
She drew in a sharp breath when she heard the knife hit the floor. Every noise, every small sound had her knees shaking. She was completely at his mercy now; no amount of regretting her decision would pull her out of that, not even the knowledge that she knew what he said about her smell was accurate; she was wet. Her mind had nowhere to go with that fact.
"What I'd like to do is shove you down onto your knees and fuck those bright red lips, but I think there are a few other things that need tending to first." He said, his voice now calm and almost relaxed. "Don't you fucking move an inch though." he slapped her ass sharply. "Not one inch."
Her eyes shut tightly, she heard his footsteps on the wood floor as he walked away from her. She held her breath, and waited.
Opening into a quiet, dark entryway (I knew it would be, too)
I can’t even hear a clock ticking it’s so quiet.
He said wait.
So here, I’ll wait.
It only takes him two steps (he was close, and I didn’t know it)
To get to me, one hand (warm hand, long fingers)
To wrap around my face, and cover my mouth
The other entwining itself in long blonde hair
Pulling and pushing my head backwards at the same time, he says.
“Hello, whore.”
===
Here's a little more....
"You're late." he growled, as he pushed her up against the cold plaster wall. Pressing his right leg between hers, he kicked her feet apart and pushed his hip into the small of her back to hold her there.
She tried to speak, to tell him that she wasn't late, that he wasn't even supposed to be here yet, but his fingers pressed down harder against her lips, and all that eeked out was a moan.
He pulled roughly on her hair, and then let go, reaching down to grasp her wrists tightly into his fist. "Not what you had in mind, is it?" he sneered, pulling her hands behind her back. "You didn't really think I asked you here just to meet you, did you?" he laughed evilly, and then leaned down and whispered gruffly in her ear. "You're going to get exactly what you came for though, I assure you."
She heard a cold metal clink and then felt the steel of the cuff around her right wrist. She started to protest, but as soon as the first sound tried to slither out between his fingers, he pulled her wrists up sharply. "No one said you had a choice in this matter, did they? No? That's right, you don't." Before he had finished speaking, the other cuff was secured on her left wrist, and she was bound.
Her mind started to race, her body shivering in response to the cold metal cuffs and the chill of the wall. She hadn't dressed for cold, her short black skirt felt obscene now, when only an hour ago, it had felt as normal as jeans. The thin white blouse, tucked into the skirt, with three buttons left undone felt less proper now, and more like an invitation for something much darker than a meeting with a new friend and a glass of wine.
With one hand free now, he let her wrists drop down behind her, and with his hand still covering her mouth, stepped back to look at her. With her right cheek pressed up against the wall, long blonde hair dripping down her back, she looked more than a little scared, and he was pleased with that. Fear is a great motivator, he thought to himself as he reached around her, laying his forearm against the front of her hips and pulling her ass backwards, forcing her feet to follow, and positioning her perfectly.
"I'm going to let go of your mouth, whore, but it's not an invitation to talk. Clear?" He watched, pleased, as she shook her head slightly, and he removed his hand from her lips. "You talk when I say you talk. Move when I say you move. And do what I tell you to do." he laughed deeply. "You screwed yourself this time, slut. No safecall. No one knows you're even here. Trusting little thing. " he tsked. "Maybe you won't be so much after tonight."
Dropping his hand to the hem of her short skirt, he flipped it up over her ass, and immediately raked his fingernails roughly down her right cheek. "Since when does a whore get benefit of underwear?" he asked, not expecting an answer. "Not that it covers much. It certainly isn't enough to soak up the smell of how fucking wet you are already. Regardless, no matter how sexy you thought it was, it's in the way, and it's got to go." She felt the cold steel of a pocket knife blade against the skin of her ass, and then felt him pull the lacey red thong up her crack. She moaned and pressed her cheek up against the wall harder, as he slit the back of the panties and pulled them roughly away from her.
She drew in a sharp breath when she heard the knife hit the floor. Every noise, every small sound had her knees shaking. She was completely at his mercy now; no amount of regretting her decision would pull her out of that, not even the knowledge that she knew what he said about her smell was accurate; she was wet. Her mind had nowhere to go with that fact.
"What I'd like to do is shove you down onto your knees and fuck those bright red lips, but I think there are a few other things that need tending to first." He said, his voice now calm and almost relaxed. "Don't you fucking move an inch though." he slapped her ass sharply. "Not one inch."
Her eyes shut tightly, she heard his footsteps on the wood floor as he walked away from her. She held her breath, and waited.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Snippets
It's been raining for the better part of 9 days now.
We had one sunny day in 9 days, and my allergies were so bad, I could barely see. But right now, I'd take that over this pissing rain.
It doesn't depress me. I lived in Portland, Oregon for nearly two years. You sorta get used to it *chuckle*. But it does make me unmotivated and unenergized, which I dislike.
I'd love to see some sunshine. Send me some?
-----
A friend of mine from Alt has been struggling with his morality lately. It's sad to watch, but it's a learning experience for him, and while he detests hurting people (and himself I'm sure), I think that his recent choices will be for the best in the long run, whether he ends up with his former girlfriend or not. If everything were easy, we'd all be rich and well-fucked, eh?
----
Speaking of well-fucked.....
........... I'm not. And it's starting to make me a little silly~ You have been warned.
----
Tuesday! The Jan Brady of Weekdays!
*snicker*
----
Speaking of speaking of well-fucked, it's my own fault I'm not. I think I've gotten 25 emails this past week on the vanilla aff site, only one of which actually fit what my profile is looking for, and he wasn't really all that appealing for some reason. The Alt side is even less effective lately. /shrug And I cant' say I'm putting much effort in either. Between work and my downtime - family and my home - my free time is not all that abundant. Some people understand that. And some people send nasty emails when they don't get a response in a timely manner. Well, sorry. Typically, my pussy is not the first thing on my list to get satisfied lately. (how unfortunate). I have other things that need doing - things for myself, things to do with my health and well-being. It's about choices, apparently. And while it's not my first choice to continue to be celibate *eeep*, it's what there is right now.
----
I've recently discovered that I'm very easy to spoil. Also, that it doesn't take all that much to make me feel good, warm, and happy.
I guess that does make me easy, huh.
/eye
Whatever. It might be easy to turn my head, but to keep it turned, you better be willing to put in the work~
----
My boss did the nicest thing yesterday. I'd taken my car to Midas for new front brakes before he got to work. When the shop called and gave me the estimate, he asked how much it was, and then told me that the company would pay for it; they could deduct it and I couldn't - plus, I was due a bonus.
Man. Did that ever make my entire month.
Feeling appreciated is one of the best feelings there is. (That's a hint to you gents who wonder about such things)
----
I'm feeling a need to write some fiction - soon. I think I'll make Memorial day a 4 day weekend. I haven't had a day off since my Dad's surgery in February - I think I'm due :) Then maybe I can actually get some writing done.
We had one sunny day in 9 days, and my allergies were so bad, I could barely see. But right now, I'd take that over this pissing rain.
It doesn't depress me. I lived in Portland, Oregon for nearly two years. You sorta get used to it *chuckle*. But it does make me unmotivated and unenergized, which I dislike.
I'd love to see some sunshine. Send me some?
-----
A friend of mine from Alt has been struggling with his morality lately. It's sad to watch, but it's a learning experience for him, and while he detests hurting people (and himself I'm sure), I think that his recent choices will be for the best in the long run, whether he ends up with his former girlfriend or not. If everything were easy, we'd all be rich and well-fucked, eh?
----
Speaking of well-fucked.....
........... I'm not. And it's starting to make me a little silly~ You have been warned.
----
Tuesday! The Jan Brady of Weekdays!
*snicker*
----
Speaking of speaking of well-fucked, it's my own fault I'm not. I think I've gotten 25 emails this past week on the vanilla aff site, only one of which actually fit what my profile is looking for, and he wasn't really all that appealing for some reason. The Alt side is even less effective lately. /shrug And I cant' say I'm putting much effort in either. Between work and my downtime - family and my home - my free time is not all that abundant. Some people understand that. And some people send nasty emails when they don't get a response in a timely manner. Well, sorry. Typically, my pussy is not the first thing on my list to get satisfied lately. (how unfortunate). I have other things that need doing - things for myself, things to do with my health and well-being. It's about choices, apparently. And while it's not my first choice to continue to be celibate *eeep*, it's what there is right now.
----
I've recently discovered that I'm very easy to spoil. Also, that it doesn't take all that much to make me feel good, warm, and happy.
I guess that does make me easy, huh.
/eye
Whatever. It might be easy to turn my head, but to keep it turned, you better be willing to put in the work~
----
My boss did the nicest thing yesterday. I'd taken my car to Midas for new front brakes before he got to work. When the shop called and gave me the estimate, he asked how much it was, and then told me that the company would pay for it; they could deduct it and I couldn't - plus, I was due a bonus.
Man. Did that ever make my entire month.
Feeling appreciated is one of the best feelings there is. (That's a hint to you gents who wonder about such things)
----
I'm feeling a need to write some fiction - soon. I think I'll make Memorial day a 4 day weekend. I haven't had a day off since my Dad's surgery in February - I think I'm due :) Then maybe I can actually get some writing done.
Normal
Someone I've come to really like on the blogs recently made a post that I enjoyed - part of it was explaining that just because she's submissive does not mean she's "broken".
That is the typically view of us, you know - from the vanillas. That we're broken mentally, that we need to be taken charge of and beaten because something inside us is not mentally stable. "Normal people don't want those things."
Well, here's a news flash. The divorce rate is over 50 percent in this country. If we all wanted white bread/2.5 kids/house in the suburbs, I think that rate'd be much lower.
What is normal, anyway? Missionary position on Saturday nights? (Not that I'm knocking the missionary position mind you, I'm personally quite fond of it.). No porn, no mastubation, no kink, no anal or oral sex. Is that what people think is normal?
I meet someone now who hasn't had anal or oral sex and I think they're odd :/
Those of us who like to add a bit of spice (ok, maybe more than that. Maybe a couple harbenos) to our lives and fulfill the things that we seek from our soul seem to be more the norm in this country now, rather than the "once a week, don't mess up my hair" crowd.
We are not broken (** Some of us are. I have to add that. There are mentally unstable people in every walk of life, and you will find them here, too**). We are open to the possibility that perhaps the universe gave orgasms such a great feeling because they're supposed to be fun.
Thank you, Universe.
That is the typically view of us, you know - from the vanillas. That we're broken mentally, that we need to be taken charge of and beaten because something inside us is not mentally stable. "Normal people don't want those things."
Well, here's a news flash. The divorce rate is over 50 percent in this country. If we all wanted white bread/2.5 kids/house in the suburbs, I think that rate'd be much lower.
What is normal, anyway? Missionary position on Saturday nights? (Not that I'm knocking the missionary position mind you, I'm personally quite fond of it.). No porn, no mastubation, no kink, no anal or oral sex. Is that what people think is normal?
I meet someone now who hasn't had anal or oral sex and I think they're odd :/
Those of us who like to add a bit of spice (ok, maybe more than that. Maybe a couple harbenos) to our lives and fulfill the things that we seek from our soul seem to be more the norm in this country now, rather than the "once a week, don't mess up my hair" crowd.
We are not broken (** Some of us are. I have to add that. There are mentally unstable people in every walk of life, and you will find them here, too**). We are open to the possibility that perhaps the universe gave orgasms such a great feeling because they're supposed to be fun.
Thank you, Universe.
Get it~
My horoscope said yesterday, in part: "Okay, there's nothing quite as frustrating as someone who doesn't get it. Still, attempt to work around other's - ahem - blind spots rather than losing your temper, engaging in feloniuous assault or attempting to change anyone's mind."
Well, there's some reality if I ever saw it.
I wish more people got *me*.
I don't dwell anymore on the fact that I'm not your typical vanilla midwest girl. I used to. But I don't anymore, because what's the point? I am who I am, I want what I want, I feel what I feel - and you can either accept it, or run screaming.
But scream softly because you give me a headache.
Well, there's some reality if I ever saw it.
I wish more people got *me*.
I don't dwell anymore on the fact that I'm not your typical vanilla midwest girl. I used to. But I don't anymore, because what's the point? I am who I am, I want what I want, I feel what I feel - and you can either accept it, or run screaming.
But scream softly because you give me a headache.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Mental Pictures
I try really hard not to think too much about why I want what I want anymore. In the past, when I've given it too much thought, it's like I'm trying to talk myself out of it, and that leads to frustration.
But occasionally, something will pop into my head that I have to ponder.
I made mention the other day of finding a few new kink folks in EQ (which always makes my day), and one lovely lady sent me a few pictures of herself in hook suspension. They're gorgeous pictures, but I found myself looking at them and wondering..... What would make someone want to do that?
Then I started to think about all the things on my own play list, and tried to track them down to where the desire for them comes from.
The first one I was able to find an answer to was The Belt. It's not getting hit with a belt that I find erotic, it's watching a man pull it through the loops of his pants, knowing his intent with it, his eyes never leaving yours, his face grim, his stance firm. /fans self. I know where that comes from. I think I've told the story here before about how when M first came to Wyoming to visit me, we had spent some time with C as well. One evening while the three of us were together, I got lippy with C, and when M didn't do what C thought he should do (get me under control - HA), C stood up and took his belt off, as if he were going to come at me with it (with M sitting right there - M, being my dom at the time, C being my former dom at the time). C told me, after M went back to California, that he wasn't right for me. Turns out he was right, but that's neither here nor there. What makes The Belt desireable to me now is that I can still see C standing up out of the chair to pull his off, with M right there. I've carried that image for 10 years. I probably always will.
There are other things on the list that I'm sure if I thought long and hard about, I could come up with a mental picture similarly to relate them to my life. But nowhere in there can I find a reason to be suspended by hooks *grin* I'll leave that for the ones who enjoy it.
But occasionally, something will pop into my head that I have to ponder.
I made mention the other day of finding a few new kink folks in EQ (which always makes my day), and one lovely lady sent me a few pictures of herself in hook suspension. They're gorgeous pictures, but I found myself looking at them and wondering..... What would make someone want to do that?
Then I started to think about all the things on my own play list, and tried to track them down to where the desire for them comes from.
The first one I was able to find an answer to was The Belt. It's not getting hit with a belt that I find erotic, it's watching a man pull it through the loops of his pants, knowing his intent with it, his eyes never leaving yours, his face grim, his stance firm. /fans self. I know where that comes from. I think I've told the story here before about how when M first came to Wyoming to visit me, we had spent some time with C as well. One evening while the three of us were together, I got lippy with C, and when M didn't do what C thought he should do (get me under control - HA), C stood up and took his belt off, as if he were going to come at me with it (with M sitting right there - M, being my dom at the time, C being my former dom at the time). C told me, after M went back to California, that he wasn't right for me. Turns out he was right, but that's neither here nor there. What makes The Belt desireable to me now is that I can still see C standing up out of the chair to pull his off, with M right there. I've carried that image for 10 years. I probably always will.
There are other things on the list that I'm sure if I thought long and hard about, I could come up with a mental picture similarly to relate them to my life. But nowhere in there can I find a reason to be suspended by hooks *grin* I'll leave that for the ones who enjoy it.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Bleh
So, I brought my tennis shoes to work with week with the intention of walking at lunch.
Monday, it was rainy. Tuesday it was rainy. Today, my allergies are in high gear. Ugh.
I will do it though. I got my claritin. The weather for the rest of the week looks good. I need to do it, as I have no motivation to exercise at night anymore. That, and I hate TV and my dvd player is busted and I've yet to go get a new one.
*chuckle*
In other news... well, there isn't any.
I did find a few new kinky folks in EQ *grin*. That's always fun. Did buy a few new shirts today, cute ones, in a smaller size again. The scale is moving again. I'm nearly ready for summer.
My eyes are glassy today from the allergies, so this is all I'll be writing. It's all I can do right now to focus on the screen to work.
Sunshine! :)
Monday, it was rainy. Tuesday it was rainy. Today, my allergies are in high gear. Ugh.
I will do it though. I got my claritin. The weather for the rest of the week looks good. I need to do it, as I have no motivation to exercise at night anymore. That, and I hate TV and my dvd player is busted and I've yet to go get a new one.
*chuckle*
In other news... well, there isn't any.
I did find a few new kinky folks in EQ *grin*. That's always fun. Did buy a few new shirts today, cute ones, in a smaller size again. The scale is moving again. I'm nearly ready for summer.
My eyes are glassy today from the allergies, so this is all I'll be writing. It's all I can do right now to focus on the screen to work.
Sunshine! :)
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Affection
I miss having someone to be affectionate with.
By nature, I'm a very affectionate person. Not slobbery in public or overly-attentive or anything. I'm just very affectionate with people I like, and I'm not afraid to show it.
I miss that more than sex sometimes. I miss it more than spankings or play. While my cats currently reap the benefits of me having no one else to be affectionate with (beyond friends and family), even they get a little sick of me sometimes /wink.
After M and I split in CA, I spent 13 months alone for the most part. But I had great friends - some of whom I cuddled with, some of whom I slept with *grin*, and there was always a place for me to go when I felt down and needed it. I dunno why I picked Wisconsin, knowing that I knew no one here, and that it would be hard. Maybe I did it on purpose. For the most part, it served it's purpose. It gave me that time alone to sort out the why's and wherefore's in my life, and allowed me to settle back into myself and disengage from all the destructive or counterproductive things I had allowed into my life.
But now that I've completed most of that work (not all, we are never done...), I find myself wanting to reach out and be surrounded by people again.
Course, then there are other times that I'm a total recluse and prefer the company of my coffee and my peace and quiet. /shrug
By nature, I'm a very affectionate person. Not slobbery in public or overly-attentive or anything. I'm just very affectionate with people I like, and I'm not afraid to show it.
I miss that more than sex sometimes. I miss it more than spankings or play. While my cats currently reap the benefits of me having no one else to be affectionate with (beyond friends and family), even they get a little sick of me sometimes /wink.
After M and I split in CA, I spent 13 months alone for the most part. But I had great friends - some of whom I cuddled with, some of whom I slept with *grin*, and there was always a place for me to go when I felt down and needed it. I dunno why I picked Wisconsin, knowing that I knew no one here, and that it would be hard. Maybe I did it on purpose. For the most part, it served it's purpose. It gave me that time alone to sort out the why's and wherefore's in my life, and allowed me to settle back into myself and disengage from all the destructive or counterproductive things I had allowed into my life.
But now that I've completed most of that work (not all, we are never done...), I find myself wanting to reach out and be surrounded by people again.
Course, then there are other times that I'm a total recluse and prefer the company of my coffee and my peace and quiet. /shrug
Change
Someone asked the question on a message board I visit: "If you could switch to the other gender for 24 hours, what would you do during that time?"
My answer: "Nothing. I don't want to switch."
With all of the heartbreak I've had in my life, with all of the problems -- I'm happy being a woman. I've never had penis envy; never wanted to be a man for "just one day". I fit right where I am, I like it here, I'm happy here.
Am I completely happy in my own skin? No, I don't think anyone ever truly is. But I'm much happier than I was a year, five years, ten years ago. And of course I'd like perky tits and a tan - maybe some better highlights in my hair - but basically, I'm happy with what I have. It's served me well and gotten me this far. Why in the world would I want a cock of my own when I much prefer them attached to men?
There's nothing wrong with liking the idea of switching it out for one day, but don't expect me to get in that line. I'm of the mind that - with me personally - a cock belongs on the inside, not on the outside /grin
My answer: "Nothing. I don't want to switch."
With all of the heartbreak I've had in my life, with all of the problems -- I'm happy being a woman. I've never had penis envy; never wanted to be a man for "just one day". I fit right where I am, I like it here, I'm happy here.
Am I completely happy in my own skin? No, I don't think anyone ever truly is. But I'm much happier than I was a year, five years, ten years ago. And of course I'd like perky tits and a tan - maybe some better highlights in my hair - but basically, I'm happy with what I have. It's served me well and gotten me this far. Why in the world would I want a cock of my own when I much prefer them attached to men?
There's nothing wrong with liking the idea of switching it out for one day, but don't expect me to get in that line. I'm of the mind that - with me personally - a cock belongs on the inside, not on the outside /grin
Interogation
Something about an interogation scene intrigues the hell out of me. Maybe because I'm always been pretty much safe in my own little world (well, physically safe for the most part), and the thought of this ever really happening to me for real is remote at best. But the idea of being tired in a chair and tortured for information just ...mm. Yea, I'd like to try that.
See, it's a challenge. I rarely back down from a challenge. More than anything, I'd like to see how long I could go without cracking. How much I could withstand before giving in. As I've said before, frankly, my limits haven't really ever been pushed hard, and my mind cries out to be pushed to that wall.
As I wrote that last paragraph it occured to me: There is more than one way to torture someone.
Physical pain is the obvious here, but there are others. In a setting with someone you were sexual with, you could be sexually tortured; brought to the edge of orgasm repeatedly until you simply couldn't take it anymore. In a setting with someone you were mentally and emotionally safe with, you could be teased and/or guilted into speaking your truth. Those two came to mind, though I'm sure there are others. It all depends on which edge you like to play on.
Or a combination of the three. Hmmm....yup, still intriguied. Moreso now maybe :)
See, it's a challenge. I rarely back down from a challenge. More than anything, I'd like to see how long I could go without cracking. How much I could withstand before giving in. As I've said before, frankly, my limits haven't really ever been pushed hard, and my mind cries out to be pushed to that wall.
As I wrote that last paragraph it occured to me: There is more than one way to torture someone.
Physical pain is the obvious here, but there are others. In a setting with someone you were sexual with, you could be sexually tortured; brought to the edge of orgasm repeatedly until you simply couldn't take it anymore. In a setting with someone you were mentally and emotionally safe with, you could be teased and/or guilted into speaking your truth. Those two came to mind, though I'm sure there are others. It all depends on which edge you like to play on.
Or a combination of the three. Hmmm....yup, still intriguied. Moreso now maybe :)
Attraction
What is it that attracts, or doesn't attract us to some people?
And why is that so utterly important?
For example, of the few dominants I'm chatting with, I only find one of them attractive. The others I am not physically attracted or (not repelled either, just - ok), but I'm enjoying talking with them, and might even play with them - but it would never go further than that.
It irritates me for some reason that I feel that way. I mean, ok, it shouldn't. This is the way human nature works. If you are not physically compelled by someone, you aren't - even if you like their mind, heart and soul. This can be, of course, overcome (by the later 3 things) but is it ever truly 100% overcome?
I should stop trying to figure out nature. It never ends up well.
I remember way back in the days of Le Chateau Dungeon on AOL (!), and how people explained away the need for attraction by saying that you get to know someone online - mind and soul - and the body didn't matter. Boy were those people surprirsed when, after "getting to know" someone for six months lead to a real time meeting that ended in disaster because one person wasn't remotely attracted to the other.
Fact is, it does matter.
Now, granted, you can find something attractive in almost anyone you meet, and sometimes, this is enough. However, we all have preferences. Some state them up front, some don't. I try to, but I don't always hit the mark either.
How important are they, really? Will they make or break it for you?
To be completely honest here, if someone doesn't meet at least one of my physical preferences, I'm likely to not continue contact with them. Does that make me a snob? Okay, if it does, fine. But having lived in this world for 41, I know enough about myself to know that there has to be something - some physical spark - between people, or it doesn't go very far.
Call it what you want. It's honest.
And why is that so utterly important?
For example, of the few dominants I'm chatting with, I only find one of them attractive. The others I am not physically attracted or (not repelled either, just - ok), but I'm enjoying talking with them, and might even play with them - but it would never go further than that.
It irritates me for some reason that I feel that way. I mean, ok, it shouldn't. This is the way human nature works. If you are not physically compelled by someone, you aren't - even if you like their mind, heart and soul. This can be, of course, overcome (by the later 3 things) but is it ever truly 100% overcome?
I should stop trying to figure out nature. It never ends up well.
I remember way back in the days of Le Chateau Dungeon on AOL (!), and how people explained away the need for attraction by saying that you get to know someone online - mind and soul - and the body didn't matter. Boy were those people surprirsed when, after "getting to know" someone for six months lead to a real time meeting that ended in disaster because one person wasn't remotely attracted to the other.
Fact is, it does matter.
Now, granted, you can find something attractive in almost anyone you meet, and sometimes, this is enough. However, we all have preferences. Some state them up front, some don't. I try to, but I don't always hit the mark either.
How important are they, really? Will they make or break it for you?
To be completely honest here, if someone doesn't meet at least one of my physical preferences, I'm likely to not continue contact with them. Does that make me a snob? Okay, if it does, fine. But having lived in this world for 41, I know enough about myself to know that there has to be something - some physical spark - between people, or it doesn't go very far.
Call it what you want. It's honest.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Push
Every once in a great while, I get a hankerin' to be pushed hard. No, I don't mean put your hand on my back and shove me, I mean push me to the absolute limit of my sanity.
I've talked before many times about being pushed past small limits. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm not talking about baby steps. I'm talking about hard core, to the edge pushing.
As I said - every great once in awhile. (Typically, on a day to day basis, I'm low maintenance. I don't need to *see* your dominance, I just want a taste of it, to know it's still there. And that's easy to feed me~)
Honestly right now, it wouldn't probably take near as much as it has in years past. I'm completely out of practice, so to speak, and it's honestly been well over 2 years since I even had a hand spanking (don't pity me; this was my choice - to wait until my life and mind were in a better place)
I wonder, sometimes (like today) why that craving comes to me out of the blue, and why I still get all antsy and jumpy when I think about it enough.
It would take a long time for me to feel comfortable enough with someone that I was not in a full time relationship with to allow this to come to fruition. I know that about myself. And I know that I'd have to be completely comfortable with that person. So it's not like I'm going to be experiencing this anytime soon. So why then, does it tend to come to be, on a warm but cloudy day here, that I need that?
I have a pretty good idea of why. I've been writing and thinking and writing some more over the last several weeks about BDSM. It's been pounding on my brain like a good deerskin flogger on my back.
I've had horrible luck so far with people from Alt. The few I thought were perhaps going to work out haven't, for one reason or another (scheduling conflicts and busy schedules seem to be the biggest reason lately), and as I continue discussing and communicating with a few of them, I find myself less and less hopeful about finding someone that I really click with. I'll admit it; I got very lucky meeting C when and where I did, even though the d/s part of our relationship never did flourish to where we believed it would go. And even M, though he took me for quite the ride, was a great learning experience for me (as I know I was for him), and I went further than I ever thought I would. I have gotten much better about not taking these little defeats personally. And I haven't even started to give up yet. But perhaps my frustration is based in the fact that I'm ready - more ready than I was a month ago, more ready than I was a year ago, more ready than I was a week ago. And now that I stand ready, I stand alone.
So, today, I'll push the "pushing" out of my head again. And concentrate on being myself, working toward some goals, and finding someone that I can start to get to know in such a way as to get comfortable.
Acceptance, as always is the key, I believe. And I've accepted where I am in my life right now, even if I don't like the part of me that craves so much today.
I've talked before many times about being pushed past small limits. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm not talking about baby steps. I'm talking about hard core, to the edge pushing.
As I said - every great once in awhile. (Typically, on a day to day basis, I'm low maintenance. I don't need to *see* your dominance, I just want a taste of it, to know it's still there. And that's easy to feed me~)
Honestly right now, it wouldn't probably take near as much as it has in years past. I'm completely out of practice, so to speak, and it's honestly been well over 2 years since I even had a hand spanking (don't pity me; this was my choice - to wait until my life and mind were in a better place)
I wonder, sometimes (like today) why that craving comes to me out of the blue, and why I still get all antsy and jumpy when I think about it enough.
It would take a long time for me to feel comfortable enough with someone that I was not in a full time relationship with to allow this to come to fruition. I know that about myself. And I know that I'd have to be completely comfortable with that person. So it's not like I'm going to be experiencing this anytime soon. So why then, does it tend to come to be, on a warm but cloudy day here, that I need that?
I have a pretty good idea of why. I've been writing and thinking and writing some more over the last several weeks about BDSM. It's been pounding on my brain like a good deerskin flogger on my back.
I've had horrible luck so far with people from Alt. The few I thought were perhaps going to work out haven't, for one reason or another (scheduling conflicts and busy schedules seem to be the biggest reason lately), and as I continue discussing and communicating with a few of them, I find myself less and less hopeful about finding someone that I really click with. I'll admit it; I got very lucky meeting C when and where I did, even though the d/s part of our relationship never did flourish to where we believed it would go. And even M, though he took me for quite the ride, was a great learning experience for me (as I know I was for him), and I went further than I ever thought I would. I have gotten much better about not taking these little defeats personally. And I haven't even started to give up yet. But perhaps my frustration is based in the fact that I'm ready - more ready than I was a month ago, more ready than I was a year ago, more ready than I was a week ago. And now that I stand ready, I stand alone.
So, today, I'll push the "pushing" out of my head again. And concentrate on being myself, working toward some goals, and finding someone that I can start to get to know in such a way as to get comfortable.
Acceptance, as always is the key, I believe. And I've accepted where I am in my life right now, even if I don't like the part of me that craves so much today.
On Top
I dislike being on top during sex, for a couple reasons.
Firstly, because my legs are too long( I am 5'9, with an inseam of 36"), and if the gentleman isn't at least a good 5-6" taller than I am, my knees end up under his armpits or higher, and it's extremely uncomfortable on my knees. My first husband was 6'4" tall, and it worked all right with him, because his upper body was long.
But I still didn't care much for it, because
Secondly, unless there is a very strong aura of dominance coming from the man, it makes me feel like I'm in control of the situation, and it's a rare occasion that I enjoy that feeling. (not never, just rarely)
I do enjoy teasing, and being in control sometimes, no question. C did not seem to enjoy that at all (though he did like me on top, because in his words, sometimes he felt "lazy"). I fancy myself somewhat of a seductress at times, and teasing a man until he's absolutely at his wit's end is a treat. I cart around a lot of sexual energy, and this is a great way to relieve it. It also brings to mind (and feeling) a courtesan or a highly paid whore, both of which can be a great role to slip into. And lastly, I enjoy it because once you have taken a man to the end of his rope, so to speak, he has no choice but to flip you around and take you on *his* terms, which is extremley fulfilling to me.
Not to mention hot.
*grin*
Firstly, because my legs are too long( I am 5'9, with an inseam of 36"), and if the gentleman isn't at least a good 5-6" taller than I am, my knees end up under his armpits or higher, and it's extremely uncomfortable on my knees. My first husband was 6'4" tall, and it worked all right with him, because his upper body was long.
But I still didn't care much for it, because
Secondly, unless there is a very strong aura of dominance coming from the man, it makes me feel like I'm in control of the situation, and it's a rare occasion that I enjoy that feeling. (not never, just rarely)
I do enjoy teasing, and being in control sometimes, no question. C did not seem to enjoy that at all (though he did like me on top, because in his words, sometimes he felt "lazy"). I fancy myself somewhat of a seductress at times, and teasing a man until he's absolutely at his wit's end is a treat. I cart around a lot of sexual energy, and this is a great way to relieve it. It also brings to mind (and feeling) a courtesan or a highly paid whore, both of which can be a great role to slip into. And lastly, I enjoy it because once you have taken a man to the end of his rope, so to speak, he has no choice but to flip you around and take you on *his* terms, which is extremley fulfilling to me.
Not to mention hot.
*grin*
The Wrong End of the Cane
I've talked about canes before here. About how I used to use them extensively when I topped in California, and how I learned from one of the best how to use them properly, care for them, and make masochistic little girls sing sweetly for them.
I think I've also mentioned that I've never actually had one used on me.
There are probably several reasons for that. I bought my first cane while I was with M. It came from Stormy Leather in San Francisco, and was a beautiful rattan nightmare.No fancy wrapping on the end, no liquid latex or paint - just a sturdy slightly curved piece of danger. I bought it with the intent of it being used on me, but that never happened, as M developed a non-waivering crush on his single tail, and that was pretty much the only thing that got used. So when we split, and I started topping more frequently, I started using that cane, and several others that I had purchased.
C is not into canes. Actually, about the only toys he ever really did use seriously on me were paddles. He did play with the floggers a bit in California, but that was mostly just trying them out. Hence, the four inces of dust on my toybag. (not that I'm complaining, mind you. There really aren't many toys I like better than others - pain is pain to me.)
While learning to use my whippy little canes, I spoke to many of the women that I topped with them, and asked why they liked them. For masochists, this was an easy answer: Intense pain. For the submissives, it was not so easy, but most of them reacted as I imagine I would - "I'll take it for you, if you like to give it."
As I've said repeatedly, I'm not a masochist. I don't get off on pain for pain's sake. Pain for me is a challenge, and a way for me to show submission, but it is not sex itself. That's not to say that I don't enjoy pain *during* sex *grin*.
I would, at some point, like to experience the cane. But not in a play-only situation. I do understand the two-fold pain that accompanies a cane strike (as it has been explained to me), and as it's not something I would consider casual play, it's not something that I would enjoy in that situation. However, if it's someone that I had played with more than once, and had become comfortable and trusting with, yes, I would like to try it - just once. This would be, I think, a true act of submission for me - and allow me to overcome the sense of fear I have at being at the "wrong end" of the cane.
I think I've also mentioned that I've never actually had one used on me.
There are probably several reasons for that. I bought my first cane while I was with M. It came from Stormy Leather in San Francisco, and was a beautiful rattan nightmare.No fancy wrapping on the end, no liquid latex or paint - just a sturdy slightly curved piece of danger. I bought it with the intent of it being used on me, but that never happened, as M developed a non-waivering crush on his single tail, and that was pretty much the only thing that got used. So when we split, and I started topping more frequently, I started using that cane, and several others that I had purchased.
C is not into canes. Actually, about the only toys he ever really did use seriously on me were paddles. He did play with the floggers a bit in California, but that was mostly just trying them out. Hence, the four inces of dust on my toybag. (not that I'm complaining, mind you. There really aren't many toys I like better than others - pain is pain to me.)
While learning to use my whippy little canes, I spoke to many of the women that I topped with them, and asked why they liked them. For masochists, this was an easy answer: Intense pain. For the submissives, it was not so easy, but most of them reacted as I imagine I would - "I'll take it for you, if you like to give it."
As I've said repeatedly, I'm not a masochist. I don't get off on pain for pain's sake. Pain for me is a challenge, and a way for me to show submission, but it is not sex itself. That's not to say that I don't enjoy pain *during* sex *grin*.
I would, at some point, like to experience the cane. But not in a play-only situation. I do understand the two-fold pain that accompanies a cane strike (as it has been explained to me), and as it's not something I would consider casual play, it's not something that I would enjoy in that situation. However, if it's someone that I had played with more than once, and had become comfortable and trusting with, yes, I would like to try it - just once. This would be, I think, a true act of submission for me - and allow me to overcome the sense of fear I have at being at the "wrong end" of the cane.
Shhh.
I've never been gagged. Never even had someone put their hand over my mouth. It's something that I'll admit, I'm curious about.
I mean, look at my handle. I have been told that I make the most "delightful" noises, both during play and sex. C was a very aural (of or relating to the ear or to the sense of hearing ) person, the more noise I made, or the more I spoke, the better he enjoyed it. I've been told that I scream, whimper, moan, curse, beg and generally make my "feelings" about whatever's happening to me known. Some of it, I remember, some I don't. I guess it depends on how lost I am in it.
The closest I've ever come to being gagged was an early morning fuck with M, while his daughters were in their rooms getting ready for school. There was nothing over my mouth, but with a few words of warning, and his instruction to be silent, I was as effectively gagged as I could have been. And he had the fingernails scratches on his back to prove it *grin*. (well, that energy had to go somewhere.....). And it was quite a powerful orgasm I had that morning, but I've no idea if it was from the silence, or the newness of it, or the excitement radiating off him as he tried something new. As far as gags go, that was pretty effective (considering we'd been together for about 2 years at that point).
As for real gags? I dunno. Ball gags are out for me, bits probably too because of the trouble I've had with my teeth. A bandana perhaps.. Duct tape? Ouch. I'm rather fond of my full lips, and would prefer not to have them ripped off kkthx :P I actually did buy a couple of bandanas and put them in my toybag, in case this ever came up. *blows 4 inches of dust off the toybag and sneezes*
I have been chatting with a local gent who enjoys bondage, so - who knows - maybe I'll get to find out :)
I mean, look at my handle. I have been told that I make the most "delightful" noises, both during play and sex. C was a very aural (of or relating to the ear or to the sense of hearing ) person, the more noise I made, or the more I spoke, the better he enjoyed it. I've been told that I scream, whimper, moan, curse, beg and generally make my "feelings" about whatever's happening to me known. Some of it, I remember, some I don't. I guess it depends on how lost I am in it.
The closest I've ever come to being gagged was an early morning fuck with M, while his daughters were in their rooms getting ready for school. There was nothing over my mouth, but with a few words of warning, and his instruction to be silent, I was as effectively gagged as I could have been. And he had the fingernails scratches on his back to prove it *grin*. (well, that energy had to go somewhere.....). And it was quite a powerful orgasm I had that morning, but I've no idea if it was from the silence, or the newness of it, or the excitement radiating off him as he tried something new. As far as gags go, that was pretty effective (considering we'd been together for about 2 years at that point).
As for real gags? I dunno. Ball gags are out for me, bits probably too because of the trouble I've had with my teeth. A bandana perhaps.. Duct tape? Ouch. I'm rather fond of my full lips, and would prefer not to have them ripped off kkthx :P I actually did buy a couple of bandanas and put them in my toybag, in case this ever came up. *blows 4 inches of dust off the toybag and sneezes*
I have been chatting with a local gent who enjoys bondage, so - who knows - maybe I'll get to find out :)
Truth
My horoscope for Saturday said, in part, "Mercury enters traditional Taurus, bringing issues of home and hearth to the forefront. As you navigate them, remember that pleasing all of the people all of the time is tough, and you never shine when you're bailing on your own needs."
Ain't that the truth.
I spent the weekend cleaning, working and playing a little EQ. One of these days, I'll quit taking work home, I swear it.
In and amongst the work and cleaning (if I could justify it, I'd hire someone to come in once a week and do that, but the apartment isn't that big and it'd make me feel lazy), I contemplated a lot of things. I really wanted to write this weekend, but I couldn't get anything out. That happens sometimes. I don't take it as hard as I used to; it used to just rip me out when I couldn't write. Now, I take it as a sign that I should think a bit more before putting anything out.
So I got into work this morning, and read the above horoscope (I have one of those daily rip-off-a-page calendars with my horoscope on it) and I kinda grinned to myself because that's something I just started being more aware of - how I tend to want to make everyone happy, and leave myself feeling miserable. No more, though. I've said it before; this is my turn, my time. And finding what I want and need are pretty much at the top of my list.
Course, it doesn't help when what I want changes on a daily basis, depending on my mood, the alignment of the planets, whatever. There are some constants, of course. You've read them all here *grin*.
For now, I guess I'm just happy that I wake up in a good mood most of the time, the drama around my life has mostly settled down, and my tax return is in :)
Ain't that the truth.
I spent the weekend cleaning, working and playing a little EQ. One of these days, I'll quit taking work home, I swear it.
In and amongst the work and cleaning (if I could justify it, I'd hire someone to come in once a week and do that, but the apartment isn't that big and it'd make me feel lazy), I contemplated a lot of things. I really wanted to write this weekend, but I couldn't get anything out. That happens sometimes. I don't take it as hard as I used to; it used to just rip me out when I couldn't write. Now, I take it as a sign that I should think a bit more before putting anything out.
So I got into work this morning, and read the above horoscope (I have one of those daily rip-off-a-page calendars with my horoscope on it) and I kinda grinned to myself because that's something I just started being more aware of - how I tend to want to make everyone happy, and leave myself feeling miserable. No more, though. I've said it before; this is my turn, my time. And finding what I want and need are pretty much at the top of my list.
Course, it doesn't help when what I want changes on a daily basis, depending on my mood, the alignment of the planets, whatever. There are some constants, of course. You've read them all here *grin*.
For now, I guess I'm just happy that I wake up in a good mood most of the time, the drama around my life has mostly settled down, and my tax return is in :)
Friday, May 05, 2006
Upside
I woke up early this morning, before the alarm even went off. I guess that's what I get for going to bed before 11pm :)
And I woke up in a great mood. I felt good. The scale hasn't moved in like 2 weeks, but there are definte changes in my clothes and how they fit (for the better) so that's all good. I'm "adjusting" again. And I'm fine with that.
Went to bed with my hair all twisted up in a ponytail/knot and woke up with lucious curls. I'll have to remember that.
Even work hasn't seemed to knock me in the dirt, and I only have 2 hours to go :)
This new attitude I've adopted recently - just tossing out the "trash" without looking back, feeling guilty or worrying about having made a mistake - this is a good thing. I'm happy with it. And you know what, I actually started sleeping again /wink.
The only downer is that it's chilly here today, and I left my windows open. Will have to get the space heater out tonight I'm sure.
Been chatting with a local dominant. Bondage guy *grin*. You know how I love bondage..... Not getting my hopes up, not letting it affect my mood, not worrying about it. Not going to let myself get taken down the rabbit hole again.
I'm not even that fond of rabbits :/
I am however, fond of my readers. Your emails are amazing, uplifting and make me feel very good. Thank you, most graciously.
Hoping I get a chance to write this weekend, as I have a few topics I'd like to cover.
Until then,
Happy Friday
And I woke up in a great mood. I felt good. The scale hasn't moved in like 2 weeks, but there are definte changes in my clothes and how they fit (for the better) so that's all good. I'm "adjusting" again. And I'm fine with that.
Went to bed with my hair all twisted up in a ponytail/knot and woke up with lucious curls. I'll have to remember that.
Even work hasn't seemed to knock me in the dirt, and I only have 2 hours to go :)
This new attitude I've adopted recently - just tossing out the "trash" without looking back, feeling guilty or worrying about having made a mistake - this is a good thing. I'm happy with it. And you know what, I actually started sleeping again /wink.
The only downer is that it's chilly here today, and I left my windows open. Will have to get the space heater out tonight I'm sure.
Been chatting with a local dominant. Bondage guy *grin*. You know how I love bondage..... Not getting my hopes up, not letting it affect my mood, not worrying about it. Not going to let myself get taken down the rabbit hole again.
I'm not even that fond of rabbits :/
I am however, fond of my readers. Your emails are amazing, uplifting and make me feel very good. Thank you, most graciously.
Hoping I get a chance to write this weekend, as I have a few topics I'd like to cover.
Until then,
Happy Friday
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I'd rather be pissed off than....
...pissed on by someone who has no clue.
And yet, another Alt mistake. I seem to making quite a few of those, hopefully, either I will learn from them, or get frustrated and kill the account all together.
1. Submissive does not mean "whore". I am not your booty call, especially when you live 2 hours away and refuse to come here, or even meet me half way for an initial meeting.
2. And what's up with that "come to me" nonesense? I'm a busy person, too. I have a life.
3. If you begin a conversation by insulting me, consider it over before it starts. You have no idea what I'm thinking, feeling, or doing and you sure as shit don't know me well enough from some chat, and one phone call, to decide who and what I am.
---
Man, I am fed up.
I am altering my profile to say that if you are single and have never been married - and are only into "the sex part" of d/s, don't waste my time.
Thus begins a new chapter for me: Eat a peach, punk. Come see me when your hot head cools, and your logic returns.
/sigh
And yet, another Alt mistake. I seem to making quite a few of those, hopefully, either I will learn from them, or get frustrated and kill the account all together.
1. Submissive does not mean "whore". I am not your booty call, especially when you live 2 hours away and refuse to come here, or even meet me half way for an initial meeting.
2. And what's up with that "come to me" nonesense? I'm a busy person, too. I have a life.
3. If you begin a conversation by insulting me, consider it over before it starts. You have no idea what I'm thinking, feeling, or doing and you sure as shit don't know me well enough from some chat, and one phone call, to decide who and what I am.
---
Man, I am fed up.
I am altering my profile to say that if you are single and have never been married - and are only into "the sex part" of d/s, don't waste my time.
Thus begins a new chapter for me: Eat a peach, punk. Come see me when your hot head cools, and your logic returns.
/sigh
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
People piss me off.
This is likely not going to have anything to do with BDSM, so if that's what you come here to read, you might well want to skip it.
This rant is about people. One incident in particular. And how I'm tired of being the good person.
Almost all of my life, I have tried vigorously to be the mature one - the adult - the forgiving person. It's how I was raised; and these are values that my grandmother instilled at me from a very young age.
Over the last few years, however, my soul has grown tired. I am tired of sucking up the blame when none is due me. Tired of being the adult and letting other adults get away with murder in my attemp to "keep peace". Tired of letting people walk all the fuck over me just so that I can feel good about being mature.
Problem is? I do NOT feel good about the bootprints on my back.
When this bit of drama arose a couple weeks ago, I did indeed still try to be the mature one, tried to let it go, pass, forgive. But it's not going or passing, and for some reason, I cannot bring myself to forgive this fuckwad who didn't just step on my back; he jumped up and down and danced a jig.
And so, I have not sucked it up. I have not remained quiet and I have not given him the benefit of any doubt. I intially tried to. But when you have the exact same story being repeated to you 20 times in 2 weeks, by 20 people who have no vested interest in the situation, you know better. No matter how much of an adult you want to be, you have to eventually face the reality of the situation and say to yourself "That is some fucked up shit right there. I have been wronged."
So now, all these people in my life who expected me to walk meekly into the night, accepting my fate and taking the lion's share of the blame for this are in shock. I believe they are confused as to my reaction and I truly believe that they're anger at me now is due to the fact that I did not follow my own pattern.
Awwww....here, lemme give you a hug. I'm so sorry you treated me badly and now have to deal with the reality of that. Suck it up dumbass.
I do not feel badly about how I have handled this. What I do feel badly about is that mutual friends are now caught in the crossfire. That, and the fact that this simply will....not....die.
*growls*
I will NOT go quietly into the night anymore.
(bdsm content) unless you gag me and turn out the lights~
This rant is about people. One incident in particular. And how I'm tired of being the good person.
Almost all of my life, I have tried vigorously to be the mature one - the adult - the forgiving person. It's how I was raised; and these are values that my grandmother instilled at me from a very young age.
Over the last few years, however, my soul has grown tired. I am tired of sucking up the blame when none is due me. Tired of being the adult and letting other adults get away with murder in my attemp to "keep peace". Tired of letting people walk all the fuck over me just so that I can feel good about being mature.
Problem is? I do NOT feel good about the bootprints on my back.
When this bit of drama arose a couple weeks ago, I did indeed still try to be the mature one, tried to let it go, pass, forgive. But it's not going or passing, and for some reason, I cannot bring myself to forgive this fuckwad who didn't just step on my back; he jumped up and down and danced a jig.
And so, I have not sucked it up. I have not remained quiet and I have not given him the benefit of any doubt. I intially tried to. But when you have the exact same story being repeated to you 20 times in 2 weeks, by 20 people who have no vested interest in the situation, you know better. No matter how much of an adult you want to be, you have to eventually face the reality of the situation and say to yourself "That is some fucked up shit right there. I have been wronged."
So now, all these people in my life who expected me to walk meekly into the night, accepting my fate and taking the lion's share of the blame for this are in shock. I believe they are confused as to my reaction and I truly believe that they're anger at me now is due to the fact that I did not follow my own pattern.
Awwww....here, lemme give you a hug. I'm so sorry you treated me badly and now have to deal with the reality of that. Suck it up dumbass.
I do not feel badly about how I have handled this. What I do feel badly about is that mutual friends are now caught in the crossfire. That, and the fact that this simply will....not....die.
*growls*
I will NOT go quietly into the night anymore.
(bdsm content) unless you gag me and turn out the lights~
Flirt
Growing up, and even into my 20's and early thirties, I was not much of a flirt. I think this wraps itself around the healthy sexual self-esteem I was talking about yesterday.
Apparently, however, that's in the past, as I find myself flirting like crazy these days. Harmlessly. A sly smile, a wink, a slight crook of the head - at work. Direct eye contact, that smile again, a turn of a phrase - outside of work. More brazenly yet online.
And I must say, I'm enjoying the hell out of it. It's a little charge; sometimes sexual, sometimes just a "good feeling" especially when the object of your flirtation responds favorably. It's like being back in high school (if I'd have flirted in high school) without all the typical teenage hormonal baggage.
Who says you can't go back to being a kid again? I didn't like it the first time; maybe I'll enjoy it now.
Apparently, however, that's in the past, as I find myself flirting like crazy these days. Harmlessly. A sly smile, a wink, a slight crook of the head - at work. Direct eye contact, that smile again, a turn of a phrase - outside of work. More brazenly yet online.
And I must say, I'm enjoying the hell out of it. It's a little charge; sometimes sexual, sometimes just a "good feeling" especially when the object of your flirtation responds favorably. It's like being back in high school (if I'd have flirted in high school) without all the typical teenage hormonal baggage.
Who says you can't go back to being a kid again? I didn't like it the first time; maybe I'll enjoy it now.
Ask.
I've talked about inspiration before; where it comes from for me, how easily I can be inspired to sit down and write a short story, a poem, an essay, a blogger *grin*. All it takes it the right word, the right phrase, the right tone of voice.
Does that make me easy? :P
In a conversation the other night, the subject of a woman "asking to cum" came up (no pun intended, this time). This is something that I always did with C when that dynamic was alive and well with our relationship. When it faded, I quit doing it. It didn't feel...right anymore. I also did this every time with M in California. It was part of it for us.
When I first met C back in 96 in Cheyenne, one of his first assignments for me was to learn how to beg. As soon as he said it, my heart sank. Beg? BEG? Haven't I always been taught that I shouldn't have to beg for what I want? My parents, despite their rather puritanical sex views (well, my dad's anyway), raised me to be smart, independent, strong. Listening to C talk about this was like fingernals on a chalkboard, and his first actual writing assignment to me was to write an essay about - begging. A reworked copy of it can be found here (http://www.thescreamergirl.com/beg.htm), though I do have the old one...somewhere at home. The web page contains the 2000 version.
Why, do you suppose, do so many woman have such discomfort with that?
I know for me, the words just sounds odd coming out of my mouth, unless I'm completely lost in the fuck. It isn't that I mind doing it - having to ask to cum makes me incredibly hot, especially when I do not get a favorable response *grin* and have to wait. But I don't want to stop and think about it. I don't want to have to stop and think of what to say or how to phrase it. If I do, it'll sound fake in my head, and I'll lose the moment. And that is a moment I do not want to lose~
It covers all the bases during sex; domination, a slight amount of humiliation, control, occasionally a little bit of sadism *grin*. It opens up yet another level of being beholden to the dominant for saying yes (if he does.). It is one of those beautifully simplistic acts that can take you to a completely new place.
Okay, well, maybe I am easy :P
Does that make me easy? :P
In a conversation the other night, the subject of a woman "asking to cum" came up (no pun intended, this time). This is something that I always did with C when that dynamic was alive and well with our relationship. When it faded, I quit doing it. It didn't feel...right anymore. I also did this every time with M in California. It was part of it for us.
When I first met C back in 96 in Cheyenne, one of his first assignments for me was to learn how to beg. As soon as he said it, my heart sank. Beg? BEG? Haven't I always been taught that I shouldn't have to beg for what I want? My parents, despite their rather puritanical sex views (well, my dad's anyway), raised me to be smart, independent, strong. Listening to C talk about this was like fingernals on a chalkboard, and his first actual writing assignment to me was to write an essay about - begging. A reworked copy of it can be found here (http://www.thescreamergirl.com/beg.htm), though I do have the old one...somewhere at home. The web page contains the 2000 version.
Why, do you suppose, do so many woman have such discomfort with that?
I know for me, the words just sounds odd coming out of my mouth, unless I'm completely lost in the fuck. It isn't that I mind doing it - having to ask to cum makes me incredibly hot, especially when I do not get a favorable response *grin* and have to wait. But I don't want to stop and think about it. I don't want to have to stop and think of what to say or how to phrase it. If I do, it'll sound fake in my head, and I'll lose the moment. And that is a moment I do not want to lose~
It covers all the bases during sex; domination, a slight amount of humiliation, control, occasionally a little bit of sadism *grin*. It opens up yet another level of being beholden to the dominant for saying yes (if he does.). It is one of those beautifully simplistic acts that can take you to a completely new place.
Okay, well, maybe I am easy :P
Social
My horoscope for yesterday said, in part, "Graceful Venus sashays into Aries, suggesting that you are slated for romantic, creative and social options by the boatlod. While much fun and gain can come from this medley, don't spread yourself so thing as to emulate a crepe."
I love horoscopes with a sense of humor :)
Having pretty much cleaned out the first set of dominants I was talking to from Alt (either by their hand or mine), I've stopped ignoring my email there, and am reading profiles of some of the new ones courting me. One in particular, actually local to me (surprise!), has a bonadge *thing*, and we're currently going back and forth in email discussing some possibilities, and checking schedules. It'd be wonderful to play; I'm hoping it comes to fruition, though it seems to me that most of the gents I talk to are really looking for a love match as well, and I'm not. Isnt' that odd. Typically, it's the men who are avoiding that like the plague *grin*.
I've had a couple dates in the last couple months. Nothing to write home about unfortunately, and no one that I've seen again. One was vanilla; strictly vanilla. Not even French vanilla. Not even a speckle of vanilla bean. I cannot, will not go back there.
I am still patient. And it isn't like I don't have other ways to fill the current voids *grin*. And it isn't like I don't have more emails to catch up on *grin grin*.
When my time finally does come again --- it will have been worth the wait~
I love horoscopes with a sense of humor :)
Having pretty much cleaned out the first set of dominants I was talking to from Alt (either by their hand or mine), I've stopped ignoring my email there, and am reading profiles of some of the new ones courting me. One in particular, actually local to me (surprise!), has a bonadge *thing*, and we're currently going back and forth in email discussing some possibilities, and checking schedules. It'd be wonderful to play; I'm hoping it comes to fruition, though it seems to me that most of the gents I talk to are really looking for a love match as well, and I'm not. Isnt' that odd. Typically, it's the men who are avoiding that like the plague *grin*.
I've had a couple dates in the last couple months. Nothing to write home about unfortunately, and no one that I've seen again. One was vanilla; strictly vanilla. Not even French vanilla. Not even a speckle of vanilla bean. I cannot, will not go back there.
I am still patient. And it isn't like I don't have other ways to fill the current voids *grin*. And it isn't like I don't have more emails to catch up on *grin grin*.
When my time finally does come again --- it will have been worth the wait~
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
How's Your Sexual Self-Esteem?
Having been overweight for the majority of my life (and getting less so every day!), I have to admit that in my earlier years, my sexual self-esteem was trash. I never asked for what I wanted before the age of 30. I never figured my desires were normal or even attainable, so I just laid back (so to speak) and let whoever I was with at the time drive the sexual steam engine.
The older (and healthier) I get, the less of that is left in me. As a matter of fact right now, I'd say it's down to less than 5% of who I am.
This does not mean I am an aggresive, demanding bitch in the sack *chuckle*, far from it - I am occasionally aggresive (lightly so), extremley verbal (and I like lovers who are as well - talk to me, make a little noise for gods sakes). It just means that I'm not gonna be willing to trash what I want and need for the sake of someone else, just so I can get laid.
I define sexual self-esteem as a) knowing what you want, b) being able to verbalize it, and c) actually verbalizing it.
The first one is easy. Whether we will admit it to ourselves or not most of the time, we all know what sets us off between the sheets (or over the kitchen table, or up against a wall or...or...). The ability to verbalize it, and the desire to do so, however, are not as easy for one person as they are for the next, especially in many women. We were not raised that way - even those of us who were born during the 60's and 70's during the hot sex revolution. I was raised Catholic (recovering now, 17 years), and from a very early age it was drilled into me that sex was bad, that women put up with it, that it was for making babies not pleasure.
Fuck that.
I want what I want. I'm not afraid to admit it to myself or anyone else. I like men that are verbal. I don't much care if you're just moaning, though I prefer to exchange dirty talk *grins*. Of course, the more dominant that is, the better for me. And I like it rough. Hard. Hurt me at the right time and I will be screaming your name right along with god's. Go ahead and torment me if you like - watch how my eyes glow when you do. Don't bother with oral on me unless you enjoy using it to torment me or you honestly enjoy it; I can live without it, and it's never a deal breaker either way with me. Cum on me, not in me if you enjoy the view. Masturbate for me, or make me do it for you. Grab my hair when you shove your cock in my mouth, isn't that what it's there for? Threaten me, growl, curse...whatever makes you feel good. Chances are, I'm going to share your get-off factor on it.
Think your sexual self-esteem is in the dirt? Want to make it better?
Get used to your own body. It's yours. No matter how you're shaped, you're built for pleasure as we all are. Find out through experimentation what gets you off the hardest. Look at dirty pictures. Watch porn. Talk to people. Read. Read. Read. Explore your own fantasies. Find someone to share them with. Masturbate. A lot. And when you find that point where you know what you want, and can put it into words, then do so. And your sexual self-esteem will go up double~, I promise.
I wrote yesterday about "dirty" things, but I never did finish that. (I know, I know, I promised but my boss didn't seem to think it was as important as getting some work done *grin*). My boss seems to be late this morning, so maybe I'll get back to it. But the paragraph above that describes what I like pretty much covers it *grin*.
The older (and healthier) I get, the less of that is left in me. As a matter of fact right now, I'd say it's down to less than 5% of who I am.
This does not mean I am an aggresive, demanding bitch in the sack *chuckle*, far from it - I am occasionally aggresive (lightly so), extremley verbal (and I like lovers who are as well - talk to me, make a little noise for gods sakes). It just means that I'm not gonna be willing to trash what I want and need for the sake of someone else, just so I can get laid.
I define sexual self-esteem as a) knowing what you want, b) being able to verbalize it, and c) actually verbalizing it.
The first one is easy. Whether we will admit it to ourselves or not most of the time, we all know what sets us off between the sheets (or over the kitchen table, or up against a wall or...or...). The ability to verbalize it, and the desire to do so, however, are not as easy for one person as they are for the next, especially in many women. We were not raised that way - even those of us who were born during the 60's and 70's during the hot sex revolution. I was raised Catholic (recovering now, 17 years), and from a very early age it was drilled into me that sex was bad, that women put up with it, that it was for making babies not pleasure.
Fuck that.
I want what I want. I'm not afraid to admit it to myself or anyone else. I like men that are verbal. I don't much care if you're just moaning, though I prefer to exchange dirty talk *grins*. Of course, the more dominant that is, the better for me. And I like it rough. Hard. Hurt me at the right time and I will be screaming your name right along with god's. Go ahead and torment me if you like - watch how my eyes glow when you do. Don't bother with oral on me unless you enjoy using it to torment me or you honestly enjoy it; I can live without it, and it's never a deal breaker either way with me. Cum on me, not in me if you enjoy the view. Masturbate for me, or make me do it for you. Grab my hair when you shove your cock in my mouth, isn't that what it's there for? Threaten me, growl, curse...whatever makes you feel good. Chances are, I'm going to share your get-off factor on it.
Think your sexual self-esteem is in the dirt? Want to make it better?
Get used to your own body. It's yours. No matter how you're shaped, you're built for pleasure as we all are. Find out through experimentation what gets you off the hardest. Look at dirty pictures. Watch porn. Talk to people. Read. Read. Read. Explore your own fantasies. Find someone to share them with. Masturbate. A lot. And when you find that point where you know what you want, and can put it into words, then do so. And your sexual self-esteem will go up double~, I promise.
I wrote yesterday about "dirty" things, but I never did finish that. (I know, I know, I promised but my boss didn't seem to think it was as important as getting some work done *grin*). My boss seems to be late this morning, so maybe I'll get back to it. But the paragraph above that describes what I like pretty much covers it *grin*.
I will Not Be Broken~
The ex called this morning from Florida - fleet week. It's actually amusing to me that he and I get along now as well as we do. He just called to say hi, and to let me know "around when" he'd be back in Virginia. I felt absolutely no animosity to him whatsoever.
I made reference a few times last week to some drama I'd been dealing with. This involved a man I'd met on EQ a couple years ago, and had been "married" to in game (we were partners, ran around together). There were some unresolved feelings with this guy, as when we first started hanging out, there was some thick sexual tension, but later on when that passed, we both seemed to be aggitated with each other all the time. So when it was finally over a couple weeks ago (and it did not end well; turns out he figured lying to me was easier for him), it set off a small trigger in my brain that said:
"You are finally - completely - free."
And free I am. Feel. I can breathe completely deeply now. I guess I hadn't realized what an albatross that whole thing had become for me. I'd say that the jackass did me a favor, but that'd be giving him credit for being a snake and I refuse to do that~
Anway.
With that load (of horseshit) lifted off me - a stable relationship with the soon to be exhusband - and a deep desire to get back to who it is I was - and still am - I find myself inexplicably drawn in to finding someone to be submissive to. (I also find myself flirting like a crazed woman, but that part is fun so :P).
As I was driving home the other night from work, a new Bonnie Raitt tune came on the radio. Now, I love Bonnie Raitt, always have (Margaritas with Fernando anyone?), but this song speaks to the very core of where my life is now. I will quote a bit of it here, before I get on with "the good stuff" today~
I Will Not Be Broken, Bonnie Raitt (partial lyrics)
I will not be...
Someone other than who I am
I will fight to make my stand
Cause what is livin' if I can't live free
What is freedom if I can't be me
Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I'm not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken
I made reference a few times last week to some drama I'd been dealing with. This involved a man I'd met on EQ a couple years ago, and had been "married" to in game (we were partners, ran around together). There were some unresolved feelings with this guy, as when we first started hanging out, there was some thick sexual tension, but later on when that passed, we both seemed to be aggitated with each other all the time. So when it was finally over a couple weeks ago (and it did not end well; turns out he figured lying to me was easier for him), it set off a small trigger in my brain that said:
"You are finally - completely - free."
And free I am. Feel. I can breathe completely deeply now. I guess I hadn't realized what an albatross that whole thing had become for me. I'd say that the jackass did me a favor, but that'd be giving him credit for being a snake and I refuse to do that~
Anway.
With that load (of horseshit) lifted off me - a stable relationship with the soon to be exhusband - and a deep desire to get back to who it is I was - and still am - I find myself inexplicably drawn in to finding someone to be submissive to. (I also find myself flirting like a crazed woman, but that part is fun so :P).
As I was driving home the other night from work, a new Bonnie Raitt tune came on the radio. Now, I love Bonnie Raitt, always have (Margaritas with Fernando anyone?), but this song speaks to the very core of where my life is now. I will quote a bit of it here, before I get on with "the good stuff" today~
I Will Not Be Broken, Bonnie Raitt (partial lyrics)
I will not be...
Someone other than who I am
I will fight to make my stand
Cause what is livin' if I can't live free
What is freedom if I can't be me
Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I'm not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken
Monday, May 01, 2006
Dirty Part 1
Dirty.
What is it about certain acts that make a woman like me flutter? Dirty things, things that we we raised to believe degraded us, made us less than equal with our partners? Too many of them to list, and if I did, I wouldn't get a damn thing done today; I'd spend the day in the bathroom with my hand in my jeans~
So why do I sit here this morning, craving something dirty?
I have said often enough that the dirtier and nastier it is, the better I like it. It's funny. It doesn't have to be anything huge to set me off, either. Whisper something terrible in my ear - call me a whore, a cunt, tell me you intend to hurt me/use me/do what you want with me. Growl. Grab a handful of hair and take me to my knees. I'm not hard to set off /grin.
And what's in it for you, if you do that? Expend that small amount of energy for something I want and need?
Well, nothing, if you like cuddly sweet sex.
But if you don't, there's plenty in it for you. Set me off, and your naughtiest fantasies (within a huge range of reason) can come true.
I promise, I'll make it as good for you as it is for me~
Now, where was I. Oh that's right.
What's Dirty?
My boss will be in soon, so that will have to wait~ (and yes, I am a tease sometimes :P)
I promise I'll finish that today.
What is it about certain acts that make a woman like me flutter? Dirty things, things that we we raised to believe degraded us, made us less than equal with our partners? Too many of them to list, and if I did, I wouldn't get a damn thing done today; I'd spend the day in the bathroom with my hand in my jeans~
So why do I sit here this morning, craving something dirty?
I have said often enough that the dirtier and nastier it is, the better I like it. It's funny. It doesn't have to be anything huge to set me off, either. Whisper something terrible in my ear - call me a whore, a cunt, tell me you intend to hurt me/use me/do what you want with me. Growl. Grab a handful of hair and take me to my knees. I'm not hard to set off /grin.
And what's in it for you, if you do that? Expend that small amount of energy for something I want and need?
Well, nothing, if you like cuddly sweet sex.
But if you don't, there's plenty in it for you. Set me off, and your naughtiest fantasies (within a huge range of reason) can come true.
I promise, I'll make it as good for you as it is for me~
Now, where was I. Oh that's right.
What's Dirty?
My boss will be in soon, so that will have to wait~ (and yes, I am a tease sometimes :P)
I promise I'll finish that today.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Management of Me~
My horoscope for today says, in part, "Lightheartedness should get your everywhere today."
Well, good. I hate it when they say I should be stressed out :P
I am feeling a bit of stress lately. Now that I've been at my job for about 6 months and have gotten intimate with all of the system we wrote and support here, I'm getting more and more work that's new territory for me. I love this, I really do. I love writing my own stuff from scratch, instead of trying to tear through someone else's code (especially when they can't document *Sigh*). But with that comes a lot of pressure and the "need for speed" and I'm beginning to get slightly overwhelemed.
It's funny. About the time I decide to start getting on with my life, and getting out there again - work throws me down on the ground in a non-consensual, non-orgasmic way :P I am starting to get a little frustrated with that as well. I'm letting things slide at home, too, which pisses me off. I need to just get on a schedule and stay on it.
And sleep. I don't sleep well, but I don't think it has a thing to do with anything work related. I think it's just emotional, and the fact that I really need to start working out again.
Also, the not having had sex since January thing certainly isn't helping :P
So, this weekend, it's time to get re-organized. Put myself on a work/sleep/play schedule that I can live with it, and try to stick to it.
I wish I were one of those submissive women who wants a dominant to do all that for me. Be a major micro-manager, and put her life in order. I'm not though. I'm an adult woman, I can do it for myself - I just need to get motivated to get it done.
I dislike being micro-managed. I don't like it in work, and and I don't like it at home. Sometimes, that seems like it'd be a much easier life to have that, but I can't see myself dealing well with it for long.
There are certain areas of my life that I enjoy having a dominant take control of. Sex, being the major one. Tell me when, how often, how. All that is good *grin*. I also don't mind being given chores - things to have done every day, week, whatever. Like coffee in bed? Tell me how you take it, and what time you want to get up. Want your slippers when you come home at night? Show me where they are. These kinds of things work for me.
But please don't tell me how to run my career. I've been doing it without help for 20 years, and I think I do a pretty good job. Don't tell me where to submit my stories to - I know the market very well. Don't tell me when I can or should go see my folks - I've been in that family for 41 years and I'm pretty sure I know them better than you do. Suggest? Sure - I love suggestions and will appreciate them when you offer them, but don't expect me to immediately follow. Those kinds of decisions are mine, and mine alone.
/shrug That makes me what it makes me. But it makes me happy, so fuck everything else ~
Well, good. I hate it when they say I should be stressed out :P
I am feeling a bit of stress lately. Now that I've been at my job for about 6 months and have gotten intimate with all of the system we wrote and support here, I'm getting more and more work that's new territory for me. I love this, I really do. I love writing my own stuff from scratch, instead of trying to tear through someone else's code (especially when they can't document *Sigh*). But with that comes a lot of pressure and the "need for speed" and I'm beginning to get slightly overwhelemed.
It's funny. About the time I decide to start getting on with my life, and getting out there again - work throws me down on the ground in a non-consensual, non-orgasmic way :P I am starting to get a little frustrated with that as well. I'm letting things slide at home, too, which pisses me off. I need to just get on a schedule and stay on it.
And sleep. I don't sleep well, but I don't think it has a thing to do with anything work related. I think it's just emotional, and the fact that I really need to start working out again.
Also, the not having had sex since January thing certainly isn't helping :P
So, this weekend, it's time to get re-organized. Put myself on a work/sleep/play schedule that I can live with it, and try to stick to it.
I wish I were one of those submissive women who wants a dominant to do all that for me. Be a major micro-manager, and put her life in order. I'm not though. I'm an adult woman, I can do it for myself - I just need to get motivated to get it done.
I dislike being micro-managed. I don't like it in work, and and I don't like it at home. Sometimes, that seems like it'd be a much easier life to have that, but I can't see myself dealing well with it for long.
There are certain areas of my life that I enjoy having a dominant take control of. Sex, being the major one. Tell me when, how often, how. All that is good *grin*. I also don't mind being given chores - things to have done every day, week, whatever. Like coffee in bed? Tell me how you take it, and what time you want to get up. Want your slippers when you come home at night? Show me where they are. These kinds of things work for me.
But please don't tell me how to run my career. I've been doing it without help for 20 years, and I think I do a pretty good job. Don't tell me where to submit my stories to - I know the market very well. Don't tell me when I can or should go see my folks - I've been in that family for 41 years and I'm pretty sure I know them better than you do. Suggest? Sure - I love suggestions and will appreciate them when you offer them, but don't expect me to immediately follow. Those kinds of decisions are mine, and mine alone.
/shrug That makes me what it makes me. But it makes me happy, so fuck everything else ~
Thursday, April 27, 2006
LDRs
I was talking to a friend of mine the other night about long distance relationships.
Having been married to a sailor, and having been online for over 12 years now, I've had more than a few of these myself. And my initial gut reaction to them is - egads no back off get away! get away!
But...
What's considered long distance? I live in Madison. I meet people from Milwaukee and Green Bay. They are less than 2 hours away - is that still considered long distance? Or does someone actually need to live in your town to NOT be considered an LDR?
And what about this: If you have two people who are infintely busy with their lives, careers, family and don't have a ton of time to spare for having a typical relationship, and have the means to travel to each other when schedules mesh - why is an LDR such a bad thing? Wouldn't it be harder to have that person right down the street, and not be able to see them anytime you wanted to?
I dunno. Maybe my mind is expanding with the spring warmth we've gotten around here this week. But I'm wondering why my mind was so closed to the possibilities - especially because of the way my life is right now - busy. Wouldn't LDR suit me better?
And again - I dunno. I do have a tendency to be impatient at times (no....say it isn't so~), and LDRs require infinite patience. Could I re-develop that? Yea, for the right kind of relationship I think I could.
There are upsides and downsides to every kind of relationship. If there weren't, the divorce rate in this country wouldn't be as high as it is.
There are people who need instant gratification. And others who enjoy a slow burn and a big buildup. I suppose the later is the type that could handle an LDR just fine.
As for instant gratification, that's what vibrators are for~ :P
Having been married to a sailor, and having been online for over 12 years now, I've had more than a few of these myself. And my initial gut reaction to them is - egads no back off get away! get away!
But...
What's considered long distance? I live in Madison. I meet people from Milwaukee and Green Bay. They are less than 2 hours away - is that still considered long distance? Or does someone actually need to live in your town to NOT be considered an LDR?
And what about this: If you have two people who are infintely busy with their lives, careers, family and don't have a ton of time to spare for having a typical relationship, and have the means to travel to each other when schedules mesh - why is an LDR such a bad thing? Wouldn't it be harder to have that person right down the street, and not be able to see them anytime you wanted to?
I dunno. Maybe my mind is expanding with the spring warmth we've gotten around here this week. But I'm wondering why my mind was so closed to the possibilities - especially because of the way my life is right now - busy. Wouldn't LDR suit me better?
And again - I dunno. I do have a tendency to be impatient at times (no....say it isn't so~), and LDRs require infinite patience. Could I re-develop that? Yea, for the right kind of relationship I think I could.
There are upsides and downsides to every kind of relationship. If there weren't, the divorce rate in this country wouldn't be as high as it is.
There are people who need instant gratification. And others who enjoy a slow burn and a big buildup. I suppose the later is the type that could handle an LDR just fine.
As for instant gratification, that's what vibrators are for~ :P
Defining...stuff.
My horoscope today says, in part, "Can you take care of yourself and advance your ambitions if you're fully occupied with appeasing those around you?"
And actually, that's something that's been on my mind more and more lately.
I've spent the better part of my life pleasing others. My family, especially. Though in the last few years, I've worried less and less about what my family thinks of who I am. I love my parents, don't get me wrong, and I bend over backwards to make them happy. But I'm not giving up myself to do that anymore. I don't even think they noticed the difference *Chuckle*
Over the last 10 years or so, I've also given a fuck less what other people think about who I am, and how I run my life. You'll note that many of my views of BDSM are not the popular ones. And I'm not afraid to speak my mind about them. I would rather be honest with myself - and my readers - than I would politically correct.
Between the diet, exercise, taking better care of my hair so that it stays long and healthy, getting my nails done (mmm, I love my nails, so happy I started doing that again) - I am taking care of myself more, and appeasing others less. And I don't feel a bit bad about that.
Although .... of course, I'm not done.
Although.... I can't say I'd be hugely disappointed to take care of someone else, too. Being Type A, I have a lot of energy most of the time, and if I don't spend it, it just builds up and I have to spend a couple quality hours with Mr Hitachi *grin*(not a bad thing :P). I've concentrated solely (or mostly so) on myself for the last 2 years. It'd be nice to have someone else's needs to tend to as well.
I'm still not convinced that I want a full time relationship. I'm still hedging that bet, and shying away from it, at least for the time being.
But I'm also not completely ruling it out now.
So, what I'm pondering today is this: How far is it possible to go with BDSM without that "relationship" string? And, what exactly is it that constitutes a relationship? Bonding? Love? Sex? Friendship? If I say that I don't want a full time relationship, what things about a relationship am I willing to give up?
I'm not willing to give up: Friendship and sex. Preferably having both together (I will not settle for less than friendship), but friendship without the sex is acceptable. I miss sex, don't get me wrong *chuckle* but I can and have lived without it, and I won't compromise myself to get it.
I'm not willing to give up my personal space. I have lived with people - children and adults - for the better part of the last 20 years, and frankly, I am enjoying being in my own apartment for now. I like knowing where everything is, that it hasn't been touched (unless the cats took an interest in it), and that it'll be there later when I need it. Do I get tired of a cold bed? You bet your ass I do. Do I want it filled every night? No... not right now in my life. One or two nights a week might work though *eg*
But you know, my darlings, that the minute someone who takes my breath completely away and holds it for more than a week steps into my life, everything may or may not change~ That's the beauty of all of this.
So, how far is it possible to go with BDSM without that "relationship" string? I don't think you can get far without a relationship of some sort, but it certainly doesn't need to be some big love affair leading to marriage and babies. *cringe*
Maybe I just need a really really good dominant friend who likes busty blondes and tying them up to do wicked things with them *grin*
And actually, that's something that's been on my mind more and more lately.
I've spent the better part of my life pleasing others. My family, especially. Though in the last few years, I've worried less and less about what my family thinks of who I am. I love my parents, don't get me wrong, and I bend over backwards to make them happy. But I'm not giving up myself to do that anymore. I don't even think they noticed the difference *Chuckle*
Over the last 10 years or so, I've also given a fuck less what other people think about who I am, and how I run my life. You'll note that many of my views of BDSM are not the popular ones. And I'm not afraid to speak my mind about them. I would rather be honest with myself - and my readers - than I would politically correct.
Between the diet, exercise, taking better care of my hair so that it stays long and healthy, getting my nails done (mmm, I love my nails, so happy I started doing that again) - I am taking care of myself more, and appeasing others less. And I don't feel a bit bad about that.
Although .... of course, I'm not done.
Although.... I can't say I'd be hugely disappointed to take care of someone else, too. Being Type A, I have a lot of energy most of the time, and if I don't spend it, it just builds up and I have to spend a couple quality hours with Mr Hitachi *grin*(not a bad thing :P). I've concentrated solely (or mostly so) on myself for the last 2 years. It'd be nice to have someone else's needs to tend to as well.
I'm still not convinced that I want a full time relationship. I'm still hedging that bet, and shying away from it, at least for the time being.
But I'm also not completely ruling it out now.
So, what I'm pondering today is this: How far is it possible to go with BDSM without that "relationship" string? And, what exactly is it that constitutes a relationship? Bonding? Love? Sex? Friendship? If I say that I don't want a full time relationship, what things about a relationship am I willing to give up?
I'm not willing to give up: Friendship and sex. Preferably having both together (I will not settle for less than friendship), but friendship without the sex is acceptable. I miss sex, don't get me wrong *chuckle* but I can and have lived without it, and I won't compromise myself to get it.
I'm not willing to give up my personal space. I have lived with people - children and adults - for the better part of the last 20 years, and frankly, I am enjoying being in my own apartment for now. I like knowing where everything is, that it hasn't been touched (unless the cats took an interest in it), and that it'll be there later when I need it. Do I get tired of a cold bed? You bet your ass I do. Do I want it filled every night? No... not right now in my life. One or two nights a week might work though *eg*
But you know, my darlings, that the minute someone who takes my breath completely away and holds it for more than a week steps into my life, everything may or may not change~ That's the beauty of all of this.
So, how far is it possible to go with BDSM without that "relationship" string? I don't think you can get far without a relationship of some sort, but it certainly doesn't need to be some big love affair leading to marriage and babies. *cringe*
Maybe I just need a really really good dominant friend who likes busty blondes and tying them up to do wicked things with them *grin*
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
And they call US Flakey!
Over the last several months, I've started talking to a few doms here and there from message boards, ALT, etc. Almost every one of them has poofed - either before, or after meeting me (*do I have bad breath?*).
And they call submissives flakey...pfft.
Honestly, I can see it. People start hunting around to fulfill their fantasies online, and when it finally stares them right in the face, they freak and run. There's typically an excuse - work, family, dog dying, sick grandmother - whatever. I've actually started now to wait for it to happen.
It's not that I'm discouraged. Far from it. It's not like I'm in any huge hurry. And it's not that I take these vanishings personally, because I don't. I am who I am. And if I don't suit you, for whatever reason, that's okay with me. But at least have the common courtesy to just say that.
I mentioned some drama last week. The person who caused it is someone who I always considered a very dear friend online and off, and someone whom I trusted (and lent money too - ugh - never again), who decided that I was "too fragile of a flower" (my words) to hear some truth, instead, chosing to skulk around behind my back.
Don't fucking baby me. I am not as fragile as you think. Almost 2 years ago I got drop kicked across the country and my skin is thicker than you believe. How irritating is that?
And they call submissives flakey...pfft.
Honestly, I can see it. People start hunting around to fulfill their fantasies online, and when it finally stares them right in the face, they freak and run. There's typically an excuse - work, family, dog dying, sick grandmother - whatever. I've actually started now to wait for it to happen.
It's not that I'm discouraged. Far from it. It's not like I'm in any huge hurry. And it's not that I take these vanishings personally, because I don't. I am who I am. And if I don't suit you, for whatever reason, that's okay with me. But at least have the common courtesy to just say that.
I mentioned some drama last week. The person who caused it is someone who I always considered a very dear friend online and off, and someone whom I trusted (and lent money too - ugh - never again), who decided that I was "too fragile of a flower" (my words) to hear some truth, instead, chosing to skulk around behind my back.
Don't fucking baby me. I am not as fragile as you think. Almost 2 years ago I got drop kicked across the country and my skin is thicker than you believe. How irritating is that?
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Control #1
I watch people. It's a dirty little habit, but I watch how they react, interact, behave. I study.
There are people I've met and observed that have absolutely no control over their lives, nor do they seek to change that. These are people that let things happen to them, rather than making things happen for themselves. I used to be one of those people, many many years ago. I gave it up for lent *grin*.
There are other people who are in control of every aspect of their lives. They are the "Never let them see you sweat" people. Rarely react, rarely show any sort of natural response for things that happen to them. They remain calm, cool and collected in public, even in the face of great disappoitnment or anger. (I find this highly unnatural and more than a little creepy myself)
Then there are people like me - and most everyone else - who try their best to maintain control of their emotions, but also do not tend to hide them unless faced with ridicule or neglect. I do personally try to keep my emotions away from people that I do not know, or that do not know me well, and prefer to either share them with someone I'm close to, or with y'all *snicker*. So while I do maintain a great deal of control over my life and my reactions to live, there are times when that control goes away and I'm left with simply reacting to what life hands me at the moment.
I want to talk about control a bit.( and I'm probably going to end up doing it in two or three postings. I may save them all and post them in reverse so y'all read them in the right order :P) Control of self, control of another, control of everything, control of only sexuality. My brain has been busy even if my fingers haven't lately.
There are people I've met and observed that have absolutely no control over their lives, nor do they seek to change that. These are people that let things happen to them, rather than making things happen for themselves. I used to be one of those people, many many years ago. I gave it up for lent *grin*.
There are other people who are in control of every aspect of their lives. They are the "Never let them see you sweat" people. Rarely react, rarely show any sort of natural response for things that happen to them. They remain calm, cool and collected in public, even in the face of great disappoitnment or anger. (I find this highly unnatural and more than a little creepy myself)
Then there are people like me - and most everyone else - who try their best to maintain control of their emotions, but also do not tend to hide them unless faced with ridicule or neglect. I do personally try to keep my emotions away from people that I do not know, or that do not know me well, and prefer to either share them with someone I'm close to, or with y'all *snicker*. So while I do maintain a great deal of control over my life and my reactions to live, there are times when that control goes away and I'm left with simply reacting to what life hands me at the moment.
I want to talk about control a bit.( and I'm probably going to end up doing it in two or three postings. I may save them all and post them in reverse so y'all read them in the right order :P) Control of self, control of another, control of everything, control of only sexuality. My brain has been busy even if my fingers haven't lately.
Control #2
I rarely buy written erotica. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong, but typically unless I have a title, sifting through the lists is just tiring. And I rarely find anything I truly enjoy.
I did find a book (At Border's of all places) recently called "Bad Girls" which is put out by Chimera Press, and was a series of spanking stories. Damn good ones, I may add. I also found another at Border's called "Slave to Love" which was a slick glossy looking book of short stories, and I was so piqued at the picture on the cover that I bought it, too. And it turned out to be another excellent read.
There was one story in particular in this book that turned my brain on(think-wise) as well as other parts of me(sex-wise). It involved a husband and wife, and was basically all about him controling her sexually.
And that got me seriously thinking (you knew it would)....
How far does your control go? How far do you want it to go? Is it all foreplay, even if it takes place in the kitchen or garage?
In other words - is all control in BDSM relationships about sex, at it's basest levels?
It seems to me that in 90pct of the BDSM relationships that I've witnessed in my life, everything was foreplay to actual sex. Even if it was as simple as fetching coffee or changing the TV Channel, the very idea of the dominant having that kind of control of the submissive - to tell her what to do, when to do it, and how fast - was completely sexually charged for both people. The rush of dominance or submission seems to go straight to the crotch, even if you know you're not going to get to actually have a release for hours, days or weeks.
For people who only play with BDSM in a sexual arena - meaning in the bedroom, or as direct foreplay (spankings, whippings, etc etc), this is obviously true
But what about people who don't? And who carry it through each portion of their lives: Family, friends, work, home, health. How much of that is actually sexual and how much of it is just a bigger piece of who they are, and what makes them feel whole and alive?
We do refer to BDSM as an alternative sexuality. Does that mean it's all about the sex?
No, I don't believe that. I know for myself personally it's not, although that is a big chunk of it.
(continued)
I did find a book (At Border's of all places) recently called "Bad Girls" which is put out by Chimera Press, and was a series of spanking stories. Damn good ones, I may add. I also found another at Border's called "Slave to Love" which was a slick glossy looking book of short stories, and I was so piqued at the picture on the cover that I bought it, too. And it turned out to be another excellent read.
There was one story in particular in this book that turned my brain on(think-wise) as well as other parts of me(sex-wise). It involved a husband and wife, and was basically all about him controling her sexually.
And that got me seriously thinking (you knew it would)....
How far does your control go? How far do you want it to go? Is it all foreplay, even if it takes place in the kitchen or garage?
In other words - is all control in BDSM relationships about sex, at it's basest levels?
It seems to me that in 90pct of the BDSM relationships that I've witnessed in my life, everything was foreplay to actual sex. Even if it was as simple as fetching coffee or changing the TV Channel, the very idea of the dominant having that kind of control of the submissive - to tell her what to do, when to do it, and how fast - was completely sexually charged for both people. The rush of dominance or submission seems to go straight to the crotch, even if you know you're not going to get to actually have a release for hours, days or weeks.
For people who only play with BDSM in a sexual arena - meaning in the bedroom, or as direct foreplay (spankings, whippings, etc etc), this is obviously true
But what about people who don't? And who carry it through each portion of their lives: Family, friends, work, home, health. How much of that is actually sexual and how much of it is just a bigger piece of who they are, and what makes them feel whole and alive?
We do refer to BDSM as an alternative sexuality. Does that mean it's all about the sex?
No, I don't believe that. I know for myself personally it's not, although that is a big chunk of it.
(continued)
Control #3
So when you control someone in a BDSM sense of the word (I wish I could quit using my little disclaimers. Maybe I will and just start freaking people out:P), how far do you like that take that?
I've basically seen three different levels of control/domination.
There's total TPE, where a submissive gives up all control except for the right and means to walk away. (And I'm sorry, I'm not one of these people that believe you can *ever* give up that right.)
There's a middle range, where a submissive gives up a great deal of control in her life, but maintains control over aspects like her family and career.
And then there's the final frontier: Situational control - mostly sexual.
I'm not the type of person who would belittle or degrade another who falls into any of these categories. I'm not a believe in "My d/s is better than your d/s!" and I don't think there's such a thing as a real or a true dominant or submissive. We're not following any rules handed down to us by BDSM gods for goodness sake. We're doing what feels right to us in individual relationships, and unless a person is in legal or moral danger, we truly do not have a right to judge anyone else's relationships. (sorry, had to say that. Seen too much of that lately)
I've been in all three types of relationships over the past several years. They all have their advantages and disadvantages, and they all suited me just fine at the time I was in them. I am a person who wants control over her life insofar as my family and career are concerned. Those things are vitally important to me, and unless I found someone who took that control in a supportive way, I'd want none of it anymore. There is a difference between actually enforcing control, and simply saying that you have it. /shrug. All relationships are different; all people in those relationships are as they are. I couldn't give myself over to someone who'd risk my career or my family to simply get them off, meaning, I might again step into a TPE relationship one day, after a long period of getting to know the dominant and how he works.
While I enjoy being controlled sexually (enjoy? hm. I know there's a better word than that....crave maybe :P), typically I'd want more than that. Even if it were all foreplay, I like to have my d/s out of the bedroom as well.
So, I guess for me, the middle option at this point in my life is what I'd look for, when I start looking for a one-on-one d/s relationship.
Now then. I'm almost done here :P Just one more.
(continued)
I've basically seen three different levels of control/domination.
There's total TPE, where a submissive gives up all control except for the right and means to walk away. (And I'm sorry, I'm not one of these people that believe you can *ever* give up that right.)
There's a middle range, where a submissive gives up a great deal of control in her life, but maintains control over aspects like her family and career.
And then there's the final frontier: Situational control - mostly sexual.
I'm not the type of person who would belittle or degrade another who falls into any of these categories. I'm not a believe in "My d/s is better than your d/s!" and I don't think there's such a thing as a real or a true dominant or submissive. We're not following any rules handed down to us by BDSM gods for goodness sake. We're doing what feels right to us in individual relationships, and unless a person is in legal or moral danger, we truly do not have a right to judge anyone else's relationships. (sorry, had to say that. Seen too much of that lately)
I've been in all three types of relationships over the past several years. They all have their advantages and disadvantages, and they all suited me just fine at the time I was in them. I am a person who wants control over her life insofar as my family and career are concerned. Those things are vitally important to me, and unless I found someone who took that control in a supportive way, I'd want none of it anymore. There is a difference between actually enforcing control, and simply saying that you have it. /shrug. All relationships are different; all people in those relationships are as they are. I couldn't give myself over to someone who'd risk my career or my family to simply get them off, meaning, I might again step into a TPE relationship one day, after a long period of getting to know the dominant and how he works.
While I enjoy being controlled sexually (enjoy? hm. I know there's a better word than that....crave maybe :P), typically I'd want more than that. Even if it were all foreplay, I like to have my d/s out of the bedroom as well.
So, I guess for me, the middle option at this point in my life is what I'd look for, when I start looking for a one-on-one d/s relationship.
Now then. I'm almost done here :P Just one more.
(continued)
Control #4
I can be very strong-willed when something is important to me. I can also be very strong-willed when I feel threatened. And, as I've said in the past, sometimes, the struggle is part of the fun /wink.
My sexuality is very important to me. It's something that I have come to feed and treasure over the years. It's provided me with spending cash through my writing, enjoyment, new experiences and the opportunity to meet people I may not otherwise have had the joy of having in my life. This is not to say that it hasn't gotten me in trouble a time or two *chuckle*, because it has. I used to make lousy choices with men, sometimes I still do. But learning some self-control over the last several years has defintely helped there.
So when I walk into a d/s situation and I agree to give up my control over my sexuality for -- however long -- it's important to me. And it's absolutely one of my favorite things to do.
Oh, I will cuss you if you make me hold off before cumming. And if you make me beg, I will get flustered. And if you refuse to allow me to cum I will call you horrible names and continue to beg until you relent.
But don't take that wrong. That doesn't mean I don't like those things *laughs*
It's not all about that. It's also about being a complete pleasure object. Take what you want from me, show me what makes you get off, push me a little further than I'm comfortable to make yourself happy. If I whisper to you hotly "take what you want..." you damn well better know that I mean it, and I have given that piece of myself to you completely. Don't hold back now.... you have it all in the palm of your hand....
Or, just leave me laying on the floor watching TV and go play computer games :P
Either way, it's yours to use or not use.
Way back in Wyoming 12 years ago, when I had first moved in with C (the first time), we went to the grocery store, and on the way back, he told me to unbutton my blouse and pull it apart. No one had ever asked me to do anything like that before, and even as I undid the buttons, I was scared shitless that someone would see in the Cheyenne early twilight and point to me and yell "Slut!" (I had at that point not owned my sexuality yet :P). But I did it, because he asked (yes, he actually did say please but his tone of voice wasn't very sweet...). I remember that that one thing - that thing that made my cheeks burn like I'd fallen asleep on a griddle - also sent some huge waves of wetness to the nether regions *grin*. He also made me walk into the apartment like that, carrying the bag and my purse down at my sides as to not cover up. After we got inside, he immediately took a minute to gauge the reaction (in wetness levels :P) and stored that information away for future reference. Then he went on, putting groceries away and flipped on the TV.
That was where I first started to learn the true difference between sex and sexuality, want and need, control....and the lack thereof.
And where I really started to fall hard for this entire thing.
I haven't stopped falling since. Got a net? :)
My sexuality is very important to me. It's something that I have come to feed and treasure over the years. It's provided me with spending cash through my writing, enjoyment, new experiences and the opportunity to meet people I may not otherwise have had the joy of having in my life. This is not to say that it hasn't gotten me in trouble a time or two *chuckle*, because it has. I used to make lousy choices with men, sometimes I still do. But learning some self-control over the last several years has defintely helped there.
So when I walk into a d/s situation and I agree to give up my control over my sexuality for -- however long -- it's important to me. And it's absolutely one of my favorite things to do.
Oh, I will cuss you if you make me hold off before cumming. And if you make me beg, I will get flustered. And if you refuse to allow me to cum I will call you horrible names and continue to beg until you relent.
But don't take that wrong. That doesn't mean I don't like those things *laughs*
It's not all about that. It's also about being a complete pleasure object. Take what you want from me, show me what makes you get off, push me a little further than I'm comfortable to make yourself happy. If I whisper to you hotly "take what you want..." you damn well better know that I mean it, and I have given that piece of myself to you completely. Don't hold back now.... you have it all in the palm of your hand....
Or, just leave me laying on the floor watching TV and go play computer games :P
Either way, it's yours to use or not use.
Way back in Wyoming 12 years ago, when I had first moved in with C (the first time), we went to the grocery store, and on the way back, he told me to unbutton my blouse and pull it apart. No one had ever asked me to do anything like that before, and even as I undid the buttons, I was scared shitless that someone would see in the Cheyenne early twilight and point to me and yell "Slut!" (I had at that point not owned my sexuality yet :P). But I did it, because he asked (yes, he actually did say please but his tone of voice wasn't very sweet...). I remember that that one thing - that thing that made my cheeks burn like I'd fallen asleep on a griddle - also sent some huge waves of wetness to the nether regions *grin*. He also made me walk into the apartment like that, carrying the bag and my purse down at my sides as to not cover up. After we got inside, he immediately took a minute to gauge the reaction (in wetness levels :P) and stored that information away for future reference. Then he went on, putting groceries away and flipped on the TV.
That was where I first started to learn the true difference between sex and sexuality, want and need, control....and the lack thereof.
And where I really started to fall hard for this entire thing.
I haven't stopped falling since. Got a net? :)
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Give me more than I can stand.
Something else I love is music. My tastes are ecclectic, and I listen to a huge variety of mostly rock and roll from all eras. At 5pm typically there are more commercials than tunes on the radio, so I reach into the CD folder and grab whats handy. Yesterday on the way home, I had Matchbox 20's Mad Season in.
I like this whole CD. "Rest Stop" is a unique tune that I really like. But what was playing when I started thinking about writing this was "Bent". I tend to sing in the car if I'm alone. Loudly. Though, luckily, I'm on key :P Anyway, I'm jamming along, trying to navigate through the morons on I-90 (have I mentioned that I hate traffic? I do.) And one line of this song made me stop singing, and start the song over. I have always liked this tune. But for some reason, the lyrics hit me like a ton of leather last night.
If I need some of your love again
Give me more than I can stand
No, this song has nothing to do with BDSM, but the 2nd line there made me grin like a cat and start writing in my head. See? Words. So simple. So inspiring~
You will have an idea in your head of how much (whatever) I can take. I will have this idea, too, even though our ideas may not match, or even be close. Will you stop there? Will you look me in the eye and think I've had enough? Or will you stop when you've had enough, my limit be damned?
I love being pushed. Call it a sickness, or whatever you like, but I love the feeling of steamrolling over the top of a pain/mental limt that I was sure was solid. I may not like it the moment it happens, but I can assure you - if it doesn't cross my gross-out/moral line, I will thank you for it later. I am one of those people who are continually exploring the dark, dank parts of myself that never get to see the light of day. Pushing me over a "line" lets me do that - safely, and with encouragement.
I've said many times that I've been doing this for a long time. A lot of the dominants I'm running into on boards, etc now are newer to the scene. They don't know their limits yet, but they're erring on the side of caution (as is safe to do .. but frustrating for someone who knows that there is so much more in there to come out). I even see some of the older school type dominants looking just for people who are new to the scene - to train in their image or to teach. (I am making a few generalizations here. I don't do it often, so I am allowed)
So, what'a a girl to do? Take one of these newer doms by the hand and encourage them to release their inner demon? Or pretend to be less of what I am to attract one of the ones that's looking for a newbie?
If I had to choose, I'd take the first option. Pretending to be something I'm not to get something I need outside of a roleplay scenario isn't my idea of fun. I said when I first opened myself back up to this that the last thing I wanted to do was "teach" someone how to dominate me, but as I explore these feelings that have been pent up for 2 years inside me, I realize that maybe that's exactly what I should do. We'll see what happens with that.
Until then, I'll keep looking for -- more than I can stand.
I like this whole CD. "Rest Stop" is a unique tune that I really like. But what was playing when I started thinking about writing this was "Bent". I tend to sing in the car if I'm alone. Loudly. Though, luckily, I'm on key :P Anyway, I'm jamming along, trying to navigate through the morons on I-90 (have I mentioned that I hate traffic? I do.) And one line of this song made me stop singing, and start the song over. I have always liked this tune. But for some reason, the lyrics hit me like a ton of leather last night.
If I need some of your love again
Give me more than I can stand
No, this song has nothing to do with BDSM, but the 2nd line there made me grin like a cat and start writing in my head. See? Words. So simple. So inspiring~
You will have an idea in your head of how much (whatever) I can take. I will have this idea, too, even though our ideas may not match, or even be close. Will you stop there? Will you look me in the eye and think I've had enough? Or will you stop when you've had enough, my limit be damned?
I love being pushed. Call it a sickness, or whatever you like, but I love the feeling of steamrolling over the top of a pain/mental limt that I was sure was solid. I may not like it the moment it happens, but I can assure you - if it doesn't cross my gross-out/moral line, I will thank you for it later. I am one of those people who are continually exploring the dark, dank parts of myself that never get to see the light of day. Pushing me over a "line" lets me do that - safely, and with encouragement.
I've said many times that I've been doing this for a long time. A lot of the dominants I'm running into on boards, etc now are newer to the scene. They don't know their limits yet, but they're erring on the side of caution (as is safe to do .. but frustrating for someone who knows that there is so much more in there to come out). I even see some of the older school type dominants looking just for people who are new to the scene - to train in their image or to teach. (I am making a few generalizations here. I don't do it often, so I am allowed)
So, what'a a girl to do? Take one of these newer doms by the hand and encourage them to release their inner demon? Or pretend to be less of what I am to attract one of the ones that's looking for a newbie?
If I had to choose, I'd take the first option. Pretending to be something I'm not to get something I need outside of a roleplay scenario isn't my idea of fun. I said when I first opened myself back up to this that the last thing I wanted to do was "teach" someone how to dominate me, but as I explore these feelings that have been pent up for 2 years inside me, I realize that maybe that's exactly what I should do. We'll see what happens with that.
Until then, I'll keep looking for -- more than I can stand.
Subtle
Now, if you've been reading here for awhile, you know I'm a writer *grin*. I'm also a voracious reader. I love words, period. I love to use them, to find new ones, to make them up sometimes.... I guess you could call me a communication whore /grin
Having said that, sometimes, it's not the words themselves that get me off. It's how they're said. It's how things are worded. It's the use of a word in a completely new context, or at a time when I'm not expecting it....
Picture a normal conversation between people. How was your day? Isnt this weather nice? Be a good little cunt and fetch me a drink, would you?
/heartflutter
I've said many times, in many ways, that I like surprises. That right there is my kinda surprise. Yummy~
Some people will say - why speak when a physical action is so much faster and easier. And I can see that sometimes, and I do enjoy it. But a growled sentence, a word spoken -- these aim right to the heart of it for me.
It's so subtle, or at least it can be. And yet, it will rip me from whatever mindspace I'm currently occupying and put me in quite another. And that right there is the key for me. I absolutely adore someone who can make that happen to me. They are few and far between unfortunately. But that's my ideal /wink. If you can make me wet and panting with one sentence, you're in the door~ What you do once you're in there is completely up to you /grin
Having said that, sometimes, it's not the words themselves that get me off. It's how they're said. It's how things are worded. It's the use of a word in a completely new context, or at a time when I'm not expecting it....
Picture a normal conversation between people. How was your day? Isnt this weather nice? Be a good little cunt and fetch me a drink, would you?
/heartflutter
I've said many times, in many ways, that I like surprises. That right there is my kinda surprise. Yummy~
Some people will say - why speak when a physical action is so much faster and easier. And I can see that sometimes, and I do enjoy it. But a growled sentence, a word spoken -- these aim right to the heart of it for me.
It's so subtle, or at least it can be. And yet, it will rip me from whatever mindspace I'm currently occupying and put me in quite another. And that right there is the key for me. I absolutely adore someone who can make that happen to me. They are few and far between unfortunately. But that's my ideal /wink. If you can make me wet and panting with one sentence, you're in the door~ What you do once you're in there is completely up to you /grin
Friday, April 21, 2006
body play/sex play/mind play
Toys are nice. Toys are fun. Toys have a million and one uses in the BDSM arena. I have quite a collection of them myself and I must save I have at one time or another enjoyed have all of them used on me (except a few, which I’ve used on others).
But when you get right down to it. The very bottom of the desire. What is it for you?
Is it play? Spanking, paddling, flogging, whipping, clamps and cuffs and fun stuff?
Is it sex? Is this all about getting off for you?
Or is it all in your mind?
Or, is it all of them sometimes, and none of them others?
Four choices. Mine is, of course, choice #4.
So much of this is in my head.
It’s the "idea" and the "mental/emotional rush" of watching a man take off his belt and come at you, more than the feel of the belt itself.
It’s the "threat" of impending doom, more than the doom itself.
It’s the "intent" of his chosen words, more so than "will he or won’t he?"
With that – I get the play end (toys or no toys), I get the sex end (well, you know what that does to me, I’ve said it in here often enough) and I get the mental/emotional rush that turns quite physical for me.
Can I separate them? Sure I can.
I have a few favorite tops spread out around the country for that I’d bottom to in a heartbeat, without one ounce of domination or sex – simply because they are my friends, and I love their play style so much.
Men of a dominant persuasion – who are that, without having to try to *be that, can easily slide me right into a submissive headspace twelve feet deep without ever touching me.
And something as simple as holding my arms above my head while fucking me is incredibly sexy and dominant and..and...(I'm still at work, why am I still writing…)
And what if you had to choose one above all the others…, which would you, choose?
There really isn’t any question for me there. Mental.
I love play. And god knows, I love sex. But for me, mental and emotional domination are sexual, even without actual penetration. So that’s the road I’d travel, if I had to choose.
Thank goodness I don’t /wink.
But when you get right down to it. The very bottom of the desire. What is it for you?
Is it play? Spanking, paddling, flogging, whipping, clamps and cuffs and fun stuff?
Is it sex? Is this all about getting off for you?
Or is it all in your mind?
Or, is it all of them sometimes, and none of them others?
Four choices. Mine is, of course, choice #4.
So much of this is in my head.
It’s the "idea" and the "mental/emotional rush" of watching a man take off his belt and come at you, more than the feel of the belt itself.
It’s the "threat" of impending doom, more than the doom itself.
It’s the "intent" of his chosen words, more so than "will he or won’t he?"
With that – I get the play end (toys or no toys), I get the sex end (well, you know what that does to me, I’ve said it in here often enough) and I get the mental/emotional rush that turns quite physical for me.
Can I separate them? Sure I can.
I have a few favorite tops spread out around the country for that I’d bottom to in a heartbeat, without one ounce of domination or sex – simply because they are my friends, and I love their play style so much.
Men of a dominant persuasion – who are that, without having to try to *be that, can easily slide me right into a submissive headspace twelve feet deep without ever touching me.
And something as simple as holding my arms above my head while fucking me is incredibly sexy and dominant and..and...(I'm still at work, why am I still writing…)
And what if you had to choose one above all the others…, which would you, choose?
There really isn’t any question for me there. Mental.
I love play. And god knows, I love sex. But for me, mental and emotional domination are sexual, even without actual penetration. So that’s the road I’d travel, if I had to choose.
Thank goodness I don’t /wink.
Fear, In Two Parts~
Fear is a fun toy. I think every dominant should have it in their arsenal *grin.
There are actually chemical reasons that fear makes you hot. I don’t know what they are, but if you’re interested, you can google it *chuckle. Has something to do with adrenaline and endorphins.
But more than that, for me, it’s all mental.
I tend to be a person who thinks ahead. I anticipate everything. Even before something happens, I have a "disaster recovery plan” (yes, yes, geek speak bite me) in place, and am ready to go on the offensive or defensive, depending on the scenario. If you’re thinking that having these plans in place for every little thing must take up a lot of brain-room, you are correct. They do. And they do not always work, and they are not always right, and sometimes, they end up causing more problems than they’re worth – because if I’d have had to sit and think about how to react, more information may have come to light and I wouldn’t have handled things the same way.
But that’s really not the point. The point is that I anticipate everything.
Thing is, when you’re bound and blindfolded, you can anticipate all you want, but it means jack shit. When you don’t know where he is in the room – what he’s doing – you can’t see his eyes – he’s not talking – you can’t Feel him near you – you can’t hear him breathing… you don’t know what’s coming. Maybe pleasure. Maybe pain. Maybe words. You just don’t know. And you cannot possibly predict an outcome. You cannot anticipate. You don’t know rather to be breathlessly waiting for a caress or in fear of whatever implement he may be holding, or..or…ahhhh. And it is fear for me. Why? Because I simply do not know what to do.
I’ve talked before about how bondage allows me to let go. This is the same, only more so.
Fear, it is said, is a great motivator. Fear will shut me up, send the brat packing, put me in wholly submissive state of mind. So if that’s the objective you have set, there’s a way to get me there.
That’s not all there is about fear. There’s much more. I have been know, occasionally, to play on the “edge”. Will he cross a line? Will he do any of those things that he’s threatened to do? Will he push me past something that was formerly a wall and turns to parchment paper at his command?
And if he does, will I rejoice or will I fall apart?
I’m not into blood play. I’ve gotten single-tail cuts and the like – none of them on purpose – and that’s okay. But intentional blood-letting has never held any particular attraction for me.
But feeling the edge of a knife across your skin when you are powerless to do anything about it – no matter how much you trust someone, deep in your heart you know that he could do anything he liked at that time. And even though you trust him, a part of you is in fear…
Having someone come up behind you, when you aren’t expecting them…grabbing your hair to hold you still and putting a hand over your mouth….
This is the other part of fear. Will he? Won’t he? Who is he? How many people are really in the room? Who is really touching you?
Yea.. I’m writing this at work and I’m going to stop there before I come unhinged /wink.
There are actually chemical reasons that fear makes you hot. I don’t know what they are, but if you’re interested, you can google it *chuckle. Has something to do with adrenaline and endorphins.
But more than that, for me, it’s all mental.
I tend to be a person who thinks ahead. I anticipate everything. Even before something happens, I have a "disaster recovery plan” (yes, yes, geek speak bite me) in place, and am ready to go on the offensive or defensive, depending on the scenario. If you’re thinking that having these plans in place for every little thing must take up a lot of brain-room, you are correct. They do. And they do not always work, and they are not always right, and sometimes, they end up causing more problems than they’re worth – because if I’d have had to sit and think about how to react, more information may have come to light and I wouldn’t have handled things the same way.
But that’s really not the point. The point is that I anticipate everything.
Thing is, when you’re bound and blindfolded, you can anticipate all you want, but it means jack shit. When you don’t know where he is in the room – what he’s doing – you can’t see his eyes – he’s not talking – you can’t Feel him near you – you can’t hear him breathing… you don’t know what’s coming. Maybe pleasure. Maybe pain. Maybe words. You just don’t know. And you cannot possibly predict an outcome. You cannot anticipate. You don’t know rather to be breathlessly waiting for a caress or in fear of whatever implement he may be holding, or..or…ahhhh. And it is fear for me. Why? Because I simply do not know what to do.
I’ve talked before about how bondage allows me to let go. This is the same, only more so.
Fear, it is said, is a great motivator. Fear will shut me up, send the brat packing, put me in wholly submissive state of mind. So if that’s the objective you have set, there’s a way to get me there.
That’s not all there is about fear. There’s much more. I have been know, occasionally, to play on the “edge”. Will he cross a line? Will he do any of those things that he’s threatened to do? Will he push me past something that was formerly a wall and turns to parchment paper at his command?
And if he does, will I rejoice or will I fall apart?
I’m not into blood play. I’ve gotten single-tail cuts and the like – none of them on purpose – and that’s okay. But intentional blood-letting has never held any particular attraction for me.
But feeling the edge of a knife across your skin when you are powerless to do anything about it – no matter how much you trust someone, deep in your heart you know that he could do anything he liked at that time. And even though you trust him, a part of you is in fear…
Having someone come up behind you, when you aren’t expecting them…grabbing your hair to hold you still and putting a hand over your mouth….
This is the other part of fear. Will he? Won’t he? Who is he? How many people are really in the room? Who is really touching you?
Yea.. I’m writing this at work and I’m going to stop there before I come unhinged /wink.
I am not an emotional masochist.
Okay, so it's been 4 days (or so) since my last post (confession).
/eye
Had a stupid, meaningless drama-fest in my life this week. Mostly over now, except that the person who started it still thinks it's better to be RIGHT than smart, but hey. Different strokes and all that. Not my kink, but then again, I try really hard to not be an emotional masochist.
Had a good Easter with my folks and my niece. Work is kicking my ass right now, but at least I'm getting out of there on time and getting my evenings free again. Sent a note to the submarine this week and told the Sailor that I'd prefer to do a mediator instead of paying for 2 separate attorneys. Frankly, I've spent more than enough money on that relationship and don't really want to jack up my credit cards just so we can be done with this. Also told him that I want my maiden name back. We'll see how that goes over *snort*.
Have had a couple of interesting conversations with a gent from EQ about BDSM and such. (I swear I pull them out of the woodwork) but since I know he reads here, I won't discuss them :P Suffice it to say that - now that the drama is passed, I can get back to where I was headed last week.... more writing!
So, expect it. Soon.
/eye
Had a stupid, meaningless drama-fest in my life this week. Mostly over now, except that the person who started it still thinks it's better to be RIGHT than smart, but hey. Different strokes and all that. Not my kink, but then again, I try really hard to not be an emotional masochist.
Had a good Easter with my folks and my niece. Work is kicking my ass right now, but at least I'm getting out of there on time and getting my evenings free again. Sent a note to the submarine this week and told the Sailor that I'd prefer to do a mediator instead of paying for 2 separate attorneys. Frankly, I've spent more than enough money on that relationship and don't really want to jack up my credit cards just so we can be done with this. Also told him that I want my maiden name back. We'll see how that goes over *snort*.
Have had a couple of interesting conversations with a gent from EQ about BDSM and such. (I swear I pull them out of the woodwork) but since I know he reads here, I won't discuss them :P Suffice it to say that - now that the drama is passed, I can get back to where I was headed last week.... more writing!
So, expect it. Soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
