How many?

The clitoris has the most nerve endings of any body part in the male or female. 8,000, give or take a few.

The head of the penis?  Only 4,000.

/smirk

It's good to be the girl ~

Put down the breakfast cereal...

...and back away slowly.

 

Did you know that Kellogg's Corn Flakes  were originally created to prevent masturbation?

I was never a fan of those dry, tasteless things.  Now I know why.

Back to research!

It's been a bit.  I have been working too much and being utterly and completely .... quiet when I haven't been working.  Tired, I guess. This year has been a bit tiring...

But I'm back :) 

Last night, I finally got around to watching American Swing, a movie about Plato's Retreat in New York City in the 70's and early 80's.  This was an interesting, and often funny look into the swing culture of the 1970's.  I've often said I was born 10 years too late to get to really enjoy any of that free love shit, and was coming of age sexually (mentally coming of age, ready to explore) around the time that AIDS was just coming out.  Unfortunately, that devoured society's ability to accept anything remotely outwardly sexual.

Swinging is still around today.  M decided at one point that he'd always harbored an interest in it, so we found a club and attended a few parties in San Jose.  While I found it interesting and in some cases, fun,  there was a part of me that was never comfortable in that relationship and thus not really comfortable with inviting the open relationship quandary into it. 

In any case, the closing of one NYC club certainly didn't cause the end of the lifestyle.  It still exists, and even celebrated.  I've often read that it gave birth to a "safer" swinging lifestyle, polyamory.  But I wouldn't say that to a polyamorist /wink.

The idea, and ideals, of open sexuality are still very appealing to me.  Probably always will be.  But there's a difference between a single woman walking into a swing party...and a secure couple.  And frankly, I'm pretty sure that unless I am part of the latter, it's not going to be something I'd consider exploring.

Anyway, tonight, we proceed!  The Nature of Sex is a five part Discovery Channel series about...well, duh.

I've just started it, so I can't give you any more information! But we'll see how it is.

Sadness

A week ago Monday, one of my best friends passed away unexpectedly.  Not only had she and I been close for 25 years, but I am the godmother of her two oldest sons and she is the closest thing I have ever had to a sister (including my biological one).

The news of this took awhile to sink in, but once it did, I was devastated.

So, no.  I've not really been in the mood to write much.  I am feeling better but this is not something you just get over. 

Over the years, I've lost three close friends.  One to breast cancer, one to leukemia, and now this one -- they think to an aneurysm.  I haven't heard the final autopsy results yet.  It is never easy, and it is always devastating and it makes you stop -- quickly -- and reconsider your life as it is right now.

There are things that need to happen in my life.

I need to find a way to accept my body the way it is right now -- today -- and stop 'waiting' for when it's 'perfect', which logically I know will never happen.

I need to start taking better care of myself in more ways than just counting calories.

I need to stopping waiting for....everything and anything.

We all need to do these things.

But I need to do them -- now.

And for now, I need to get back to normal, more or less.
Normal, but better.

NCIS Wisdom

This made me laugh out loud:
NCIS Season 4, Episode 22:

"You know, I realize there are three billion men in the world and they don't all have to want me but you should want me."

I'll come back to that when my mood improves.

Wisdom from Odd Places

Piece of Flair on Facebook is the wisdom for the day:


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

Cue The Pulse

For the last two seasons of QaF, they changed the theme song.  I have to admit, I like the second one better.

I'll also be the first to admit that until I looked it up on Google, I couldn't understand what they were saying (singing), and I kind of thought it was "Have the balls to begin."

Turns out, it's "Cue the Pulse to Begin"

I like mine better :( I like the idea of some theme song telling me to get off my ass and have the courage to start my life anew (or a project or a relationship or hell, exercising...whatever)

Anyway, last week, I wrapped up watching the final season of this amazing series.  I was sad.  It did not end the way I expected it to, but it ended well, and I was thrilled with how the writers wrapped everything up neatly...almost. 

This week, I'm watching the final season of The L Word, my other favorite alternative-sexuality series.  I'm not nearly as attached to The L Word as I was QaF. I'm not sure if that's because there are some characters on TLW that I really don't like (and I didn't have that with QaF) or if it's because TLW occasionally hits a little too close to home for me. 

While I'll admit that I was drawn to both of these shows specifically because of their ties to sexuality, if I were watching only for that, I'd have not gotten past season one of either.  It's the relationships here that have drawn me in and held fast.  Each show takes a glaringly honest view at many types of relationships -- serious, not serious, friendships, family...  nearly every possible angle is covered in vibrant detail.  And I applaud Showtime for having the balls (to begin..ha) to air these series. 

I miss QaF, and I will miss TLW when it's over.

Where does a girl have to go now to find a good show centered on, but not focused on, sexuality in the world today?

Missing.

Things I miss about having a regular sex partner:

Waking up in the middle of the night, rolling over and finding a hard cock with my sleepy hand that inspires me to do something about it.

I miss the smell of a man in my house.  I know all the jokes about how men smell, but there is a distinct scent -- pheromones maybe, I don't know -- that I miss when I'm not around a man for a long period of time.

I miss a man's hands.  During sex, of course, but at other times, too.

I miss having a valid reason for wasting razor blades every day.

I miss having an excuse to wear the lingerie I have amassed in the last several years, since I began to be comfortable wearing it again.

I miss rolling over in the morning and running into something besides a stuffed lion, a pillow, or the night stand.

I'm thankful, though, that I haven't rushed into anything --- before, missing those things would make me make rash decisions.  I'm careful now.  It's good to miss things sometimes.  It reminds us to feel.

Feeling is good.
In so many ways ....

Quotes that Hurt

From "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star" by Jenna Jameson:

"For once, I was dating a guy who focused one hundred percent of his attention on me.  I was confident that he loved me and, even better, he allowed me to be in charge.  I learned an important thing about dating; The person who wants the least amount of commitment in a relationship is the one who holds the reins."

This is the book I've had in the car for a couple weeks, and I actually brought it into the house tonight.  I'm close to being done with it, and I'm going to want to finish it when I can really pay it the attention it deserves, rather than 5 minutes at a time in the car. 

The above quote smacked me hard, right between the eyes.  I'm surprised that my glasses are still in tact.  In all but two of the sexual relationships I have had in my life, I have been the one as Jenna says it -- without the reins.

But the fact is, I'm not sure there's anything I can do about that, even going forward.

I was talking to a friend recently about the fact that I was going to finish a book even though I wasn't really enjoying it that much, and the word commitment came up.  I made a commitment to the book, I'm going to finish the book.

There is very little that I do in my life that I do not commit 100% to, and do my damnedest to follow through on.  I don't see that as a negative, though.

I just maybe see it now as a reason that I end up getting slammed.

And not in a happy "fuck me" kind of way, either.

See? Porn stars aren't stupid *grin.

You never know...

...what you're going to dig up in the bottom of dresser drawers.

So, I ordered a couple movies.

Okay, so it was four.  Okay! Fine! Geez!

Then I got to trying to remember if I had anymore stashed in the house, and I remembered seeing a few in my bottom dresser drawer - aka Home of The Lingerie Obsession - so I went to check.

Nina Hartley's Guide to Alternative Sex, which in this case means Swinging, is one that I dug out. I know I have her Anal Sex one around here somewhere too, but I couldn't find it.  I had a few others, but I went ahead and brought this one downstairs and popped it into the DVD player.  I couldn't remember if I ever actually watched it.  I don't even remember when I got it, because it was made in 2006, and C certainly never even wanted to discuss swinging. I'd like to say that it's because he was vehemently monogamous but as I've discovered over the years, that's not the case.

Maybe I bought it after I moved here.  I honestly can't remember.

I have seen it.  I have vague memories of watching it.

I love Nina Hartley.  Like Jenna, she has made a place for herself in this world and runs it on her own terms.  She loves sex, and sexuality, and the science and emotion and mentality behind it (sounds vaguely familiar...).  She's not afraid of it.  She's not afraid to be naked, even at 50+, and is proud of her years in the industry.

Apparently, it's Strong, Unapologetic Sexual Women week at my house.

Thank goodness for that!

Added later: Ooo I remember know.  This DVD isn't all about swinging....we've moved on to part two: anal eroticism...*smirk  

Daytime Porn Reading

I'm really enjoying Jenna Jameson's biography, that I wrote about a few weeks ago.  It's a very frank and graphic look into the adult industry. 

I will admit that at several points in my life, I wondered what it would like to be a porn star.  I've always been a big fan of written and visual erotica, even though right now I can't remember the last time I actually watched a movie or even a snippet of an x rated movie. 

Hm.  Maybe it's time to order some new movies ....

There's all of this literature put out by people who say adult stars have all come from broken homes, abusive homes, childhood trauma....  and Jenna does not seem to be an exception to that, but she has balls.  She owned herself, did not sell out to an agent or manager.  She still does.  And I respect her for that.

I could never do what she does.  Even if I had her body, I seriously doubt I could have fucked on camera that way.  It's something I've often thought about doing on a personal level, with a trusted partner, but it's not a hard-driving fantasy..more of a curiosity.   I think I'd be more comfortable doing it now than I would have five years ago for obvious reasons. And who knows, it might be fun...

I know that many women have serious issues with porn.  Some blame it on feminism (which is bullshit by the way.... women doing what they want to do and being in charge of their own destiny is the text books definition of feminism ffs), some on religion, and some on just plan disgust at such a blatant display of sexuality, which they are terrified of.  I have never had those issues.  I have always enjoyed porn for what it is -- sexual inspiration.  And you know how I love to be inspired....

I do have a few porn DVDs around here, but most of them I left with the ex (figuring he'd need them worse than I would), but there is at least one that I've been meaning to order for awhile, like this one that I mentioned way back in this post in May. (As an aside, the star of this movie is on a new show I started watching last week on VH-1 called Sex Rehab with Dr Drew...).  I also love Nina Hartley's educational videos. Maybe it's time to order a few new ones.

I'm about 2/3 of the way through Jenna's book, and I'm looking forward to the rest of it.  I've never really been a fan of her movies...actually, I don't think I've ever seen one, now that I think about it.  Maybe I'll have to get one of those, too. The book is full of pictures of her.  To be honest, I kind of like her better with the porn star makeup.  She's a beautiful girl through all of that eyeliner and mascara. Her views on sex - inside and outside of the industry - are much like mine in many ways. And I like the fact that she took control, and took some risks, to get what she wanted out of her career.

Now, off to find some sort of visual entertainment to purchase....decisions, decisions.....

At least I know I'll be having a fun night  :)

Sparks

I found a great documentary series on VH-1 Classic yesterday called The Seven Ages of Rock.  I didn't get to see all of it, but I did see 3 or 4 episodes.. one of which featured Stadium Rock, and Bruce Springsteen. I like old Springsteen (Rosalita, Cadillac Ranch), but I'm not a fan of his 80's + music (its all right, I'm just not gaga over it), including the Born in the USA album.  But as I was watching the documentary, and the "Dancing in the Dark" footage, one line in particular, that I've probably heard 4 or 5 thousand times in the last 20 years, struck me enough to jot it down.

"You can't start a fire without a spark."

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  There IS such a thing as bad sex, contrary to what you might be told (usually from people who aren't getting any).  There's also "okay" sex and "good" sex and "great" sex and "out of your fucking mind fabulous" sex.

But I don't believe you can get above "okay" sex if you don't have a decent spark of chemistry with someone.  The hotter the spark, the hotter the fire, so to speak.

There's a lot of components to chemistry.  Physical attraction is one of them, for sure.  I don't deny for one moment that being attracted to someone physically is very important to the heat of that spark.

But for me, that chemistry almost always starts in my head...in building pictures and fantasies in my mind. Those pictures, fantasies, ideas...sparks, if you will...are important to me.  They fuel my writing, they fuel my masturbation material, and they fuel my sexual-charge. They keep me on edge during the day, distracting me from ordinary stuff.  They make me smile for no reason.  They make me wet. 

The last several men I have had relationships with (sexual or serious), I met on line, and built that kind of chemistry with, previous to meeting them in person -- in most cases, before I even saw pictures of them.  I think perhaps part of the reason I'm having trouble with this whole 'dating' thing is that I'm used to - and damn comfortable with - this other way of getting to know someone.

Those sparks are important to me.

And I'm not sure I know how to create it "the old fashioned way".

I mean, I must have done it before.  I did get laid (and quite well, I may add) before I had a computer. 

I just don't remember how.  I'm hoping it's like riding a bicycle (or a cock, for that matter), and it'll come back. And often. *Smirk

QaF Mirros

Queer as Folk, Season 5, Episode 10

Debbie (Sharon Gless), mother of one of the main gay characters, after her son is hurt in an explosion at a club:

"As you know, I've always been a good Catholic girl.  Even though when it comes to gays and abortions, I think they're full of shit"

Me too, Debbie.  Me, too.

Well, okay, maybe not so good, and maybe not so Catholic anymore, but I can still pull off the uniform when I want to.

*grin

Seriously, though, she nailed two of the reasons that I do not believe in organized religion anymore, after having been raised Catholic.

The Secret is knowing what you want ...

One of the books I had in the car in the last month was a book about the Laws of Attraction.  I've read a few books along this line, including The Secret over the last several years.  I find this way of living very attractive (no pun intended) to me, and have managed to put a few of the principles into action in my life (gratitude being the main one) but I've never been able to take that final leap of faith; that asking and waiting to receive.  It's not that I have no faith.  It's not that I don't believe in the principles as they've been explained to me. It's an admirable philosophy that I respect. So that's not the problem.

It's that in the last 7 or 8 years I've become such a control freak that I struggle to let go of it.  I'm working on that.

I watched the movie from The Secret again this weekend, before I started Queer as Folk, The Final Season. And I've been digesting, thinking, reading....

And now, I'm trying to come up with a list of things that I want in my life.

And I'm sucking at it.

No, seriously.  I'm struggling.  Hard.

Because I just don't fucking know. 

I could make countless lists about things I don't want in my life.  That's easy.  You'll note that my Ten Commandments from Friday is almost ALL "Thou Shall Not".  Not too many "Thou Shalls" there.  That concerns me.

I mean, look.  Having experience is great but for fuck's sakes, I'd like to be able to think in terms of the positive, not the negative. 

Can you tell I'm slightly perturbed about this?

For the most part, I have the job I want.  Of course I'd rather be able to write full time but I can't seem to string two sentences of fiction together at all lately so that's not really a consideration until I get that little mess under control again.  I'd like to have new furniture but it's not a high priority.  I'd like to have a new car, but again, there really isn't anything wrong with mine that a new windshield and a bath inside and out wouldn't cure. 

So I'm working on it.  Who'd have ever thought it'd be harder to come up with a list of things that you want in your life?

Ten Commandments of ... ME

After watching the True Hollywood Story about Jenna Jameson a few weeks ago, I decided to pick her book, How to Make Love Like A Porn Star.  It's become my "car book", and I've enjoyed it so far. This isn't a sex manual, as the title portrays.  It's an autobiography.  Maybe there will be some how-to's later *grin

One thing that struck me most so far was Jenna's Ten Commandments.  These ten things she lists are "dealbreakers" for her, in her relationships with men.  It's a neat idea, and I'm sure it's been done before this, and probably better, but the concept is new to me.

It inspired me so much that I've decided to make one of my own.  This is going to take awhile ...




The Ten Commandments of Relationships with Jill

Breaking one of these is worse than going to hell; it's being kicked out my bed *wink

1.  Thou Shalt Never compare me to your ex girlfriends or former lovers in my presence.

2.   Thou Shalt Never walk away angry from me without at least telling me why.  If you still need to go, fine.  But don't you fucking dare walk away or give me the silent treatment without at least having the courtesy to tell me what you're angry about.  That's just rude.

3.  Thou Shalt Never utter any of the following phrases to me:
       a.  "You shouldn't feel that way."
       b.  "You don't really mean that."
       c.  "Sorry, I wasn't really listening."
       d.  "Are you really going to eat that?"
       e.  "Do you have PMS?"
       f.  "That's just stupid."

4.  Thou Shall keep in mind things that are important to me, whether they are important to you or not.  Do not mock them or ignore them and hope they will go away.  They won't.  But you will.

5.  Though Shall Not immediately pull out and hit the shower after you fuck me.  I don't need a bunch of cuddle time, but I like to revel in the afterglow and that's not nearly as fun solo.

6,  Though Shall Not whine to me about your exes.

7.  Thou Shall give an opinion when I ask for it.  I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know.

8,  Thou Shall not try to fix me unless I ask for help.

9.  Thou Shall compliment me only sincerely, but often and vigorously.

10. Thou Shall never take me for granted, for I...much like any other grace, can disappear from your life at the blink of an eye.  And you will miss me when I'm gone.

I may edit these, but for a quick pass, I think they pretty much cover everything.

This was fun.  And I think it was good to actually have to think about it.

I'm hiring.

I don't enjoying dusting and vacuuming. 

I might enjoy it more wearing one of these *grin I've seen a male version of this.... it could be very cute on the right guy.

Maybe I need to do some hiring .... a houseboy might be fabulous.

Wisdom in Unsuspecting Places

I'll admit it.

I Facebook.  (And, I use facebook as a verb, too! I'm such a rebel).

It's a great way to re-connect with people from your past and to keep up with people in your now.  There are games and quizzes and all kinds of stuff to keep you occupied and fill time that you should be doing other things in, but you feel like wasting time.

One of my favorite little applications is called "Pieces of Flair". Flair, reminiscent of Office Space (one of the best movies ever), are those little buttons that people always seem to have lying around.  It's fun, because people upload their own stuff, so you get quite a selection.  I have a great time hitting it up every day.

I found one today that struck me as the perfect sentiment for me today:

No Girl Should Ever Forget The She Doesn't Need Anyone Who Doesn't Need Her.

That's right.  No girl should ever forget that.  But mostly, we do.

And then something comes along to remind us.  And we hit our "cancel" button on things that don't work for us, and we move onto things that do.

Lustful Intentions

If only it were this simple.

I do think lust is good for you, in most cases.  Physically, emotionally, mentally.  I think keeping our sexuality working like a finely oiled machine makes us healthier overall.  Even if you aren't having sex, if you're fantasizing and you're masturbating, your wheels are getting greased...so to speak....more often than folks who don't.

Don't get me wrong; I think that real old fashioned fucking is better for you than the single-based version, but self-greasing is good for you too.  It keeps your blood pumping, your mind working and a smile or smirk on your face.  It's all good in varying degrees.


It's rare, but occasional even I go through a dry spell, where I can't seem to focus enough to pull it off.  Recently, I've found that the things that I think about when I masturbate have changed.  Not drastically, but it's definitely been whole new situations than the old standbys that I've been used to.  They had to change, because the old ones just were not working anymore.

This is not new for me. It happens during certain life-events for me.  When I have to force a change in all areas of my life to clean up one.  It's not a bad thing.  It takes me out of my comfort zone and forces me to open new doors. Sometimes, those doors prove to be very lucrative in the sense that my mind opens to new possibilites.  It forces me to lust for new things.

Revel in your lust.  It's good for you.

Sunday, Sunday

I was up too early, and immediately thinking about a work project.

This does not bode well.

I did some gaming (trying to get finished with the things) and made one batch of soap.

Now I'm wondering what to do with myself. 

This picture reminds me of the old-school Frederick's Catalog -- before they had real pictures, and mostly had drawings. It's nostalgic. I'd never be able to get away with her shoes but it's a great picture all the same.  I love those old catalogs.  They were probably my first serious foray into art that was sexual.  I saw my first one at a house I babysat at.  That was also the first time I ever saw a full-length "erotic novel" (in quotes, because the storyline was weak, and it was pretty much just sex sex sex) and that, more than anything else, probably influenced my life path at the tender age of 14. I had already learned to masturbate by that age, but the catalogs (and the images they produced in my head) and those "novels" brought a new level to it.  It had purpose.  It had a direction. 

I never looked back.  I still don't.  Thank goodness.

Gotta Keep 'em Separated

I spent last weekend with my gaming friends at a 3 day house party.  I had a fantastic time, as I always do out there.  Good friends, good food, good drinks and good times.

Something happened Saturday night, early on, before anyone was too loaded *chuckle*.  There is always a lot of heavy innuendo going on at these parties -- most of us have known each other for quite awhile and we're all very comfortable together, so the flirting is pretty heavy, even amongst those folks who are married.  It's all in fun (although in the beginning there were a couple of people who took it a little too far).  I kind of have always stayed on the fringes of the really heavy flirting, mostly because I'm pretty low-key at these parties and the last thing I want is to end up doing anything like (the couple of people who took it a little too far) and once we start drinking, I know how my inhibitions lower.  So I'm careful.

But I didn't realize until last Saturday how careful.  Someone lobbed a very heavy flirt at me, and when I just smiled at him, he apologized, because he thought he had offended me.

(stop laughing.)

I realized then, that I do keep myself separated in different company.

There is Jill the Sexpot, who you know from here -- and then there is Jill, the calm, funny sarcastic chick from Wisconsin that (most of them) know.

I mean, look.  I am who I am.  But the fact is most of those people do not know Screamer.  They do not know I've published erotica or non-fiction articles about sex and bdsm.  They do not know about this blog or my obesession with all educational sexual material.

So I asked myself, after He Who Thought He Offended Me had been told otherwise...

Why do I do that?  Do I think that my friends out there would be offended by me?

Maybe I'm worried about that a little, but I don't think that's really it.  I'm going to need to keep thinking about that.

But it does bother me that I feel like I have to do that.  It's not really dishonest, but it feels dishonest.  And I don't like that.

Frankly, I don't think there's anything wrong with Jill the Sexpot.  I kind of like her myself *smirk*.  And I don't think that very many people would love me any less for it.  But it's hard for me to let her out of her box around some people.

Maybe if I let her out a little at a time ......

Something Odd

In the last 2 weeks, I've worn three pink shirts.

To a normal person of the female persuasion, that's not odd.

To me it is.  I have almost always had an aversion to the color pink.  I didn't like it.  I didn't want to wear it.  I didn't want anything to do with it.  I had physical reactions of a bad kind to it.

That seems to have changed......

As I was getting ready to take off from Madison to Philly last Friday, I realized that I did not pack a sweatshirt.  This time of year, knowing I would be spending time outside and it was cold there, that was a mistake on my part.  So I walked into one of those "news/gift" stores they have in every airport. 

They certainly had sweatshirts.  Nice hooded ones with the little pocket in the front that my cold hands love.  I had a choice between Navy Blue, Pink and Yellow.  And I picked the pink. (I also picked the wrong size and the the thing is HUGE on me, so it's going back to Philly, to a certain college student I know who will love it).  As I was buying it, I was asking myself why, but buy it, I did.  And when I got to Philly, at one of those same kinds of shops, I saw a lighter pink one that said "Philadelphia" on it.  I laughed about buying it on the way home.

And then I did buy it on the way home.

I'm not displeased by this change of events.  On the contrary, I am a little fascinated by it.  Things change.  And I personally do not see how this is a bad thing.  I mean, c'mon.  Pink is just light red, right?  And you know how I feel about red .....This is not a new obsession by any means.... but it is opening my mind to new things a little....

I don't want to analyze it too much.  I don't want to try and pick it apart.  But I think it's worth noting.

I came across the picture above the other day.  Maybe that'll be my next pink purchase.... I think I could fill that bra out nicely ....

Happy

I took a little time away.  I needed it.

I am basically a very happy person.  Even when I'm not happy, I can remain optimistic.  Most of the time.

But lately, little things have been making me unhappy and in the last week, it occurred to me that I'm not sure what is actually going to make me happy.

It's kind of a neat thing, to not know... and to have to start figuring out what it's going to take.

But on the other hand, it seems like such a lot of work.

So I'm thinking about that now... really thinking about it.  What is going to make me happy?

I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Dynamics

As I've mentioned, I'm re-watching QaF seasons 1-4 in preparation for finally getting to see the final season of this wonderful series.

I like this show, much the same way as I like The L Word.  Not only because they are about alternative lifestyles, and deal with sex in frank and 'in you face' ways, but because they deal with real people.  Even if the relationships they show are same-sex for the most part, the dynamics are the same as any other relationships. 

I think my favorite character on QaF is Emmett.  He's flamboyant and silly.  But he's also blind to outer appearances and really sees with his heart.  Just like I used to.  For me, that didn't work out well, but for Emmett, it seems to work wonderfully.  He knows when to say yes and he knows when to stay and when to go.  He's a romantic.  But he's got balls, and he's smart.  I like him. 

Dynamics in sexual relationships fascinate me. 

I said in a previous post that I was thinking about polyamory.  And I have done that.  Thought about it, that is.

And the fact is, I don't think that'll work for me.  And it occurred to me why this week:

I need to feel special.  I told M for two years while we were talking about poly, that I didn't need to be his only girl, but I did need to be his "best girl".  He couldn't work within those parameters, apparently.

But that's all right.  Because the sooner you get to know the someone else's truth, the sooner you can make up your own mind about how your truth works with theirs.

The dynamic still fascinates me.  I'm just not sure it's for me.

I've got time to decide what is for me.  All that matters is that I'm actively thinking about it.

And I am.

Simplicity

Queer as Folk, Season 3, Episode 6

"You certainly dream big."
"Why not?  Doesn't cost anything."

All I can say is.... Yes.

Re-Focus

I've had a good week, as I said last night.  Not an easy week.  Not necessarily a happy week overall.  But a good week nonetheless.

I have re-focused.  I have taken back control.  I have allowed myself to step out of the little box I put myself in for reasons that only existed in the reality of my mind -- not in the real reality.

Not only do I feel stronger, I feel healthier. I feel more peaceful, less aggitated.

All of that has some pretty fabulous side effects.

Like feeling sexier. Energized.  Optimistic.  Grateful.

I cleaned the entire upstairs of my house so far today, hung up some things that have been laying around for months, did laundry, changed my bed and put the winter blanket on... and it's only 2pm! I also put a whole level on my WoW paladin that I play with my east coast friends.

I'm mostly writing this in case I ever get stuck in that box again.  So I can look back, and say "I got out of the box then. I can get out of the box now." And stop wasting so much fucking time.


It's not enough to think outside the box.  You gotta GET outside the box.

Here's the Thing

So here's the thing.

I'm stronger than all that.  I allowed myself to get mired down in the bullshit when all I really needed to do was get off my ass and take care of business.

I'm 90% done with that this week.

My divorce is filed again, the papers are safely on their way to the Sheriff's office where he is "last known to live",

I've wrapped up some loose ends with my finances.  I moved some money around, closed a joint bank account, set things right.

I feel good.
I feel strong again.

Sometimes, it takes just one more thing to pull me out of a funk.
I had that one thing.
I got out of the funk.

I'm back.

And I'm here to stay.

Decisions

I'm not going to post anymore emo bullshit on this blog.

While it is my life, and it's part of what I'm dealing with, it does not belong in this blog.

Maybe I'll start another emo girl one, maybe I won't.

But this blog is about life and sex.

And it's time I kept it that way.

This does not define who I am.

I haven't told many people this, and I certainly haven't written about it here, because I didn't think it was something I really wanted to discuss with the public at large.

But it's kind of right in the front of my brain this weekend, and it's not something I'm ashamed of (surprisingly), so I figured I may as well say it loud so to speak.

Middle of last month, I went to see a therapist.


There's something in me that doesn't allow me to see reality when I look in the mirror, and no matter how many books I've read about it, it isn't helping, so against my better judgment (at the time), I decided it was time to go talk to a professional about it.

I wasn't sure, after the first two visits, if it was really going to help.  I felt like he spent an extensive period of time asking about my childhood, which I consider to have been very normal all things considered.  But Friday, the tone of the appointment was different, and I decided I'd give it a couple more tries.

Two of the things he said (as vague pseudo diagnosis, I guess) is that I have unrelenting standards and that I have a significant fear of failure.

Yes.

The fear of failure is the one that I've been focusing on this weekend, and while I was taking a shower this afternoon, washing all the candle scent and hair-glaze off, it occurred to me that while I do have that fear of failure, I often set myself for it, and even while I'm trying to avoid it, I end up stepping right into it.  Especially in love relationships.

I said something that the Dr found "very telling" in the middle of a conversation about why I don't date now.  I told him that while thumbing through pictures on a personals site, I will often go right past men I consider to be very good looking or extremely successful without stopping.  He asked why.  I said that I don't date men like that.  He asked why.

I didn't answer right away.  But what came out shortly thereafter is that those kinds of men have never had any interest in me.  Again with the fat chick....

No, I have tended to pick men who are 'odd' in one way or another. Broken. Too skinny.  Too emotional.  Not at all emotional.  Too quiet.  Too geeky.  These are the men I thought that I could succeed with.  Very good looking successful men offered too good of an opportunity for failure, but guys who were a little 'weird' or 'not quite normal' seemed to provide less of that opportunity, and perhaps I could make it work.

Problem is, it hasn't.

And I think that a very big part of my 'too independent' is that those failures....are actually harder to digest than the others would be.

Why?

Because they made me feel as if I wasn't even good enough for a weird guy.  How could I possibly be good enough for anyone?

/eyeroll.  Again, as last night, what a load of horseshit.

I like realizations most of the time.  This one I am not happy about. It's good to know it, at least.  And to know why I've been so on edge since Friday.  And now that I do know it, I can set it right.  You can't fix what you don't realize is broken, right?

And then...

The episode after the "I'm Polyamorous" episode?

The "I'm bixesual" episode.

I've written enough on that subject.  I'm not going to write about it again right now.

But it just struck me as funny.

Monday is the new Sex Day. :)

Then again, every day is sex day in my house :)

Multiples

On those nights when I should be writing or making soap or doing something else, and there's nothing on TV, I look for other stuff to watch.

Tonight, I saw True Life on the TV Guide Channel and clicked info to see what it was about.  This is actually about the only thing on MTV that I'll watch.  I like most of the episodes I've seen.  And tonight's subject?

Polyamory.


Wow.  Seriously? Polyamory in the 18-25 age group, and on MTV?

Just....wow.

So you know me.  I had to watch it.

I have mixed experiences with polyamory.  I've met some people whom are very happy and contented in their multiple relationships   My ex in CA and I discussed it multiple times but he proved to be untrustworthy at the first attempt and took advantage of the concept.

Part of me would like to know how it feels to have a relationship like that.  And another part of me is scared shitless of it.  But the fact is that I am not in a place right now where I am looking to live with someone or to be married.  Maybe that's just because I'm not meeting people, but that's how I feel right now.  As many issues as my 'ultra-independence' has caused me for the last few years, I'm not feeling ready at this point to give it up yet.

I just don't know how I'd handle it, but it's an idea that is floating around in my head. Serious relationships, but open relationships.  I think, actually, that I'd fare better in that situation than where I am now, with no serious relationships.

The relationships in the show are interesting.  But because of the demographic of this show as previously mentioned, the 18-25 year olds, I don't have a lot in common with them.

But it's very interesting to think about.  I think I'll continue to do that.

Souvenirs Part 2

I wrote about souvenirs awhile back.

I do like to keep things that remind me of happy times.

But in reading today (in the car at work), I realized something very timely, considering our current weather.

I really really really have to let my leather jacket go.

It's a wonderful keepsake from a very unhealthy relationship and while the jacket itself reminds me of happy times in some cases, the overall truth of that period of time...is not happy.

I've had it long enough, and while I have always said that I would keep it until I died and then be buried in it, I'm not sure that's the right thing to do now.

Letting go is something I am *not* good at in some cases.  Unless I get smacked in the forehead with something, I have always tended to hang on until the pain of doing so became too great.  I don't think keeping the jacket has been "hanging on" to that relationship but I do think that a new jacket infused with it's own new energy is a better choice. 

But I'll be recycling it.  My mom has been begging for that jacket for as long as I can remember and her birthday is this week.  In addition to her gift, I'm going to give her that, too.

If I can do it.

I'm going to try.

Wish me luck.

I just can't help it.

Pictures of wooden hairbrushes take my mind to being over the knee of some very sexy man, the brush in his right hand, his left hand pushing up my skirt. In my ear, he's telling me what a naughty girl I am, all the while, waiting for my wetness to spread across his knee so he can berate me for that, too. 

Is that wrong?

Oh who asked you.  It's not wrong.  It's hot.

Go make up your own fantasy if you don't like it!

*grin

Get Real

I'll admit it.

If I'm watching reality TV on Bravo, I might be watching one of the Real Housewives franchises.  I don't care for the New Jersey one, and the Atlanta one is just okay.  New York is probably #2, but I enjoy the Orange County one.

Last night, bored and unable to string more than 2 sentences together to write, I flipped over to Bravo and watched a couple of episodes from last seasons' Orange County girls.

Of the girls on there, I think I like Jeana the best.  She's outspoken and smart and strong.


She's also getting divorced from someone who didn't appreciate her at all.  She's got spunk. I like her.

She says last night, as she's out on her first date since the separation, that in her next relationship, she wants to be cherished.  I didn't think much of it at the time, and I've seen the episode before, but as I was laying in bed last night, trying to go to sleep, it came back to me, and I understood exactly what she meant.

When you spend a long time in a series of relationships where you didn't feel like you were getting 100% of the other person's  love/attention/respect, you can almost begin to believe that that's how relationships are supposed to be.  Maybe you feel like you get what you deserve, so you start to think that every relationship you have is destined to be this way, and that it's your fate --- it's how it's supposed to be for you.

What a load of horseshit.

For me, it's not just love type relationships that have been that way.  Not every friendship I have had has been out of balance (I have some wonderful friends) , but I can point to several that were.   And like my love relationships, I almost begin to expect it, and when I feel it starting to tilt, I start protecting myself.  But somehow, I don't stop giving my best until I hit bottom.

Because I'm at a place where I'm starting to move forward, I have to really look at that.

And Jeana has it right.

I want to be cherished, too.  In all of my relationships.  I deserve that. Everyone deserves that.

Short Skirts #15

Well, hello there. 

Yes, actually, that was me an hour ago in the jeans and T-shirt, with my hair up in a ponytail, washing my car in the driveway, after I weeded the floor beds and swept out the garage.  I came in to shower while you were finishing up your car and I changed while you were in the shower.

Sometimes, I need to be reminded of my inner girly-girl.  Sometimes, you do, too.

Despite how I dress a lot of the time, she's always in there, lurking, waiting to make a sneak attack. Pink and black and lace and stockings...it's cute, isn't it?  Oh.  Cute and slutty?  I guess that's possible.

Does that work for you?  Are you interested in playing with a slutty girly-girl?  Or would you prefer I went and put my jeans back on?

I thought so.

But be prepared.  You may need another shower when we're done.

In Action

So I'm flipping channels tonight, and I come across the E TV True Hollywood Story about Jenna Jameson. I was trying to decide if I'd seen it before ....

Then, Tammy Bruce's uptight ass comes on my screen.  And I remember that yes.  I had seen this. 

I am even less impressed with Bruce than I was 6 years ago.

But never mind that.  I've already written about that.

It got me thinking about how much of an activist I used to be.  Pro-choice issues, sex worker issues, pornography issues,  women's rights and feminism.  I was the president of my local chapter of NOW for 2 years in Illinois.  I volunteered at a family planning clinic that performed abortions.  I am still a member of NARAL.  These issues remain important to me, but I no longer actively participate in their support.

Maybe I should.  Maybe not to the extent that I used to be, but maybe a little more than writing checks like I do now.

Any action -- even writing checks -- is better than nothing.

But I strive to be better than better than nothing.

I am not the exception....

..........I am the rule.

I am a unique person. But  I am not any more special than anyone else.
I am basically a happy person, but I have been increasingly angry (with myself, I think) lately.
I am grateful for what I have, but I long for more.
I am...not that different from most people.
But.

There isn't anyone else like me.  I am mostly optimistic, silly, smart and sexy.  I'm affectionate but independent.  I am a great friend, an exceptional daughter, a hard-working employee, an always-interesting fuck, and an incredible catch for the right guy.

I am me. 

Exception, rule, unique, special -- everything and nothing.

And I am pretty all right with that.

Shot Skirts #14

No.  Stay right there.  That chair? That's for you to sit in. 

You always seem to enjoy those scenes in porn movies where the girl plays with herself. I'm going to give you the live version.  I hope you're ready.

Does the red on my nails contrast well with the black tops of the thigh high hose and my pale skin?  How does it look against the pink inside my cunt? Shiny nails against shiny lips....see how swollen and wet they are?  Yes, I do like you watching me.  I like it that you're having trouble sitting still. Look how swollen my clit is. 

No, don't get up.  This is my game.  You play by my rules.  Sit on your hands if you have to.  Better yet, pull your cock out and play along.

I like you watching me play.  I want you to see me cum without being distracted by making it happen.  Can you see well enough?  Can you see the muscles in my legs tense?  You know that means I'm close ....

No.  Don't get up.  Please... I'm going to....stay there.....


~ there is a pause for a quick hard orgasm and then ~

...you got up. 

Now you owe me something.

Go back to your chair.  It's your turn to show me.

Short Skirts #13

Don't make me beg. I want you fucking me. I want you fucking me right now.

Yes, I know you l you like it when I beg.  You like it when I ask for more and more and more. You like it when you change my mind mid-stream.  You like it when I say no, but you know I don't mean it.

But I don't want to beg now.  I don't want to have to ask.  I want you to give me what you know I want.

And you know what I want.

I will beg, if I have to.  But don't make me.  Please don't make me...

Fuck me like you mean it.  And make me believe it.

And when you think I've had enough, make me believe it again.

Energy

I poured 60 votive candles today.  I haven't done that, I don't think, since I moved over to Sun Prairie 3 years ago. I've poured tarts and maybe a couple pillars and containers, but no votives. Of all the types, votives are the most time consuming, and take the most precision.  They're awesome, but they're a lot of work.

I'm using up scents from the ADC days (when I had my business).  Some of them were still good, and rather than waste them, I am going to pour them up and put them in my give-away at work, like I did with my soap earlier this year.   There are a couple batches of said soap I intend to do as well soon, but one major project per weekend, please :)

I buy candles (well, before I started making them again), and I do burn them when I think to light them.  I love the flickering light, the scent, the ambiance they create in a room.  They speak to my sensual, romantic side -- which is a side that's always at the surface, but rarely gets to come out and play.  I miss her.  She's a shitload of fun.

All this creative stuff is therapeutic for me. It burns off energy that I build up that I can't burn off in other ways.  I'm lucky that I have ways to do that, and I'm grateful for it.  Writing used to be my biggest outlet, but I don't seem to write as much as I'd like to.  Although, I have blogged a LOT for me this month, and I'm grateful I've been able to do that, too. 

I'm in the mood for .....

I want this shirt.

And I want these, too.

I am in the mood today for what they advertise. I'm not sure why, but I am. 

I need to feel something.  This is as good as anything else, right? Nice solid spanking followed by a nice sound fucking?  Hell, yes.  Order me up two of those.

Short Skirts #12

It's so hot outside.

I know we're supposed to go out tonight but wouldn't you rather just stay home and strip down in front of the AC?

I know you're hungry.  I'm hungry, too.  But wouldn't you rather be home and cool than standing around waiting for our table? Having a nice cool drink and enjoying nice cool food in a nice cool house?  We could have a picnic in the living room and put in a sexy movie.

Still not convinced?

What's it going to take to convince you?

Really? That's it? Cancel the reservations and order a pizza. I'm going to hang up my dress and put on something much less appropriate. We're going to eat naked, watch porn, and take advantage of the air conditioner. 

Maybe later, we'll turn it up and get the ice out ......

Short Skirts #11

Now, how did that door get open?

I was so happy that you agreed to come shopping with me so I could buy something nice to wear for you and now the surprise is ruined. 

Do you like them?  Do you want a closer look?  Come in, quick, before anyone sees you.  And close that pesky door.

So now tell me.  Do you like them?  This is the first pair you picked. 

Is that going to help you decide if you like them?  Slipping your hand inside them and grabbing my ass?  Doesn't matter... your hand feels so good. 

Ohh...that's even better but I'm not sure what that has to do with telling me if you like them or not.  If you make me wet while I'm wearing these, you know I'm going to have to buy them....

Putting my hand on your cock is not helping.... you do like them, right? Because if you keep stroking my cunt lips with your finger, I'm going to have to...I'm... I'll have to....

Oh that's not fair.  Stopping so close is not fair. What are you... oh...yes, I guess they are as good as sold, aren't they?  Take the tag, yes.  I'll be along shortly.... once my heart slows down..

One more question before you open the door...

Did you like them enough to fuck me in the when we get home?

Nourishment

The TV is off.  I am not in the mood.

I updated iTunes on the laptop.  I need music. Headphones into the laptop.  Loud.  Good.

I have always had a very strong connection to music.  I played in all possible band configurations in high school and even wrote a little music.  I used to sing.  Lyrics will make or break a song for me; even if I like the music, if the lyrics suck, I probably won't buy the song.  But if I can't stand the music, the lyrics won't get listened to. I am fond of many kinds of music, from 60's Motown to 70's rock and sappy ballads, 80's hairbands, 90's alternative and even some of today's stuff.  I enjoy some New Age music, a select few country songs, and some odd stuff here and there.

Music is entertainment.  Therapy.  Relaxation or invigoration, whichever is needed.  It sets a mood.  It fixes a mood.  It lays groundwork.  It breaks up previously laid groundwork.



Music is breath.
And if music *is breath, then books are food.

I spent my lunch hour today doing what I love: browsing a used book store for bargains.  I took in 2 bags of library inappropriate reading material and turned them into (with 12.00) another full bag of books.  Some library appropriate, some not *smirk.

Every day, I take care of myself and my house and my job and my car and my cat and my family and my finances and my friends.

Today, I am taking care of my soul.

Short Skirts #10

I'm sorry ... I tried to wait up for you.  I had such a nice surprise planned.  I thought about it all night while you were out with your friends, and tried to come up with the perfect outfit to wear...and now I've slept in it and it's ...

Ohhh....that feels nice.  So the outfit is still all right? And you're not disappointed that I ... oh...don't stop...god that feels good.  Are you sure you're not disappointed that I fell asleep....ohhhh...your hands are so warm and..

At this point, he finds himself impatient with her drowsy carrying-on, and he kisses her while he removes his cock and then finds another use for her mouth.


No, he's not disappointed. Finding a scantily-clad, sex-ready woman asleep in his bed with her nearly bare ass the first thing he saw when he entered the room?  Disappointed?  No.  He's anything but disappointed.

Today's Lesson

You can't get upset at someone for behaving in such a way that you've previously allowed them to behave.

Well, you can.

But it's pointless and confusing.

Short Shorts #9

I'm sorry. You don't look happy.  Or are you in shock?

Was I supposed to put on more under the coat?  You didn't specify that when you asked me to come pick you up at the office this late.  You just asked me to come get you and we'd grab something to eat.

I have something for you to eat.  And I know you have something for me.   I know your office door locks.  Why can't we eat here first?

I promise I'll get you a burger on the way home.  Consider me an appetizer.  I promise you'll be even hungrier before we're done.

Learning to Walk Again

One byproduct of me having been as overweight as I was, and spending several years with a man who was shorter than I was, and then spending the following 5 years by myself is that I have to re-learn how to walk in real heels again.

I have a pair of 2" pumps, which I find very easy to walk in.

I have a pair of 3" heels but they're a wider heel, not like the heels to the left.  They're black and t-strap and sexy as hell, but they're not spiky-heels.

I have a pair of 4" heel ankle boots that I haven't worn since I lived in California, because they're bright red and frankly not all that appropriate in most situations.

So I ordered myself a pair of 3" skinny heeled pumps to get used to. When I can run in those, I'm going to get a pair of 4", similar to the ones above.

It's a whole different world walking in them now, as opposed to before I lost the weight.  While I'm still not the most graceful swan in the pond, a lot of the balance issues I've had in the past are gone.

As are the self-conscious issues I've always had about my height and wearing heels.  At 5'9", putting on 3" heels makes me 6', and if you add my former weight self-consciousness into that, you get way more than one person can comfortably deal with.  I don't know that I feel that way anymore.  I mean, I was gifted with these incredibly long legs.  Why not show them off rather than hide them in flats?

Instead of them making me self-conscious now, I'm pretty sure they're going to go miles in building self-confidence.

I need feel that way more often.  I certainly feel that way right now.

I'm going to find myself a sweet little pair of shiny black 2" pumps (the ones I have are off-white..ick) to wear to work once in awhile before the ice starts falling from the sky.  I think it would do wonders for my self-confidence.

At the very least, it's going to make my ass look hot in my jeans.

Unexpected Places

So, last time I took a big ol' pile of "library inappropriate" material to Half Price Books I picked up this book How To Set His Thighs On Fire, thinking I was going to get a book jam packed with writing ideas (What, you think every inspiration for a post comes from my own experiences?  lol no.  Some, yes.  Many, yes.  All, no.)  .

What I got was something very different.

In amongst the Cosmo-inspired chapters about sex are several that are more that are about your work life, your personal life, your family life, your friends... It was a perfect book for those "in the car sneaking a smoke at work" moments, and Kate has a very clear writing style that makes her very easy to read.  I didn't agree with all of it, but I did enjoy most of it.

One of the chapters in the book, toward the end, really made me think.

She says (And the book isn't right here, so I'm not quoting) that sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself "What's missing?" when it comes to making goals and life decisions. She goes on to say, in a later chapter about solving problems and coming up with ideas, that sometimes you just have to pose your problem in the form of a question and take it out into the world to look for the solution. 

I like that idea, and I'm definitely going to give it a try where my writing is concerned.

As far as the "What's Missing?" question goes, it's a question I've asked myself quite often in the last year, but I think I've been ignoring the response from the universe.  I think I'm going to have to pose the question again when my mind is mellow and I can sit quietly without needing to be distracted.  It's been awhile since I could do that.

You just never know what you're going to get and where it's going to come from.  I was looking for sex ideas, and I got life ideas instead.  This is not to say she didn't mention sex at all -- she did.  But unfortunately, I didn't pick up anything new, nor was I inspired to write in that vein.

I wonder if I went and picked up a self-help book, I could get some sex ideas.  Cause honestly, I'm a little stalled there *smirk.

Whoever she is

The L Word season 6 comes out on DVD next month.  So I ordered Season 5 from Netflix.  Today, because I am feeling the need to get lost in something, and I didn't think 1 disk of Season 5 was going to provide the depth and breadth of 'lost' I currently feel that I need, I went upstairs and dug Season 4 out of mothballs and decided to spend the rest of my day watching these gorgeous (but occasionally fucked up) women tear through life's little problems.

They played a montage of Season 3 before it started and as is my usual these days, one line jumped out of the speakers and right into my head:

Jenny (a lesbian), to Max (a woman transitioning to a man):

When you get the body you want, who's going to live inside it?

First of all, before I address that, I want to say this: It may sound as if the last several posts I've written about myself and my relationships, that I am angry with the men I've been with in my life.  For the most part, with the exception of my almost-ex, that's not true.  I'm much much more angry with myself, my behavior, my beliefs and my issues.  It started as a mild irritation and has over the last few weeks, grown into what I hope is a healthy dose of anger.

When they psychic said that I had a life changing event 3-6 years ago (which is my separation), she was right.  My life has changed significantly in that time.  To the point that right now, if I weren't feeling a little deja vu in one area, I'd swear that I bore little resemblance to that girl who drove out of Virginia 5 years ago next month. 

But those occasional bouts of negative deja vu keep reminding me.  A good thing? A bad thing? I dunno.

Oh don't get me wrong.  There are pieces of me that are inherently part of me, and will likely never change: my sarcasm, my wit, my intelligence, my sexual curiosity and interest. 

But other parts of me have changed in some pretty drastic ways, so when I heard the quote above, it echoed around in my brain like someone had hit a gong.

Who *is* going to be living inside me -- if and when -- I get the body I want?  How much of the physical is going to -- or, already *has -- changed the emotional/mental? (I could conceivably make a joke about how downsizing from a mansion to a condo and why that means having to clean house and let go of things but honestly it sounds cliche, no matter how true it might be)

Whoever she is, I hope I like her.