Remember this?

Heavy door (I knew it would be)
Opening into a quiet, dark entryway (I knew it would be, too)
I can’t even hear a clock ticking it’s so quiet.
He said wait.
So here, I’ll wait.

It only takes him two steps (he was close, and I didn’t know it)
To get to me, one hand (warm hand, long fingers)
To wrap around my face, and cover my mouth
The other entwining itself in long blonde hair
Pulling and pushing my head backwards at the same time, he says.

“Hello, whore.”

===
Here's a little more....
"You're late." he growled, as he pushed her up against the cold plaster wall. Pressing his right leg between hers, he kicked her feet apart and pushed his hip into the small of her back to hold her there.
She tried to speak, to tell him that she wasn't late, that he wasn't even supposed to be here yet, but his fingers pressed down harder against her lips, and all that eeked out was a moan.
He pulled roughly on her hair, and then let go, reaching down to grasp her wrists tightly into his fist. "Not what you had in mind, is it?" he sneered, pulling her hands behind her back. "You didn't really think I asked you here just to meet you, did you?" he laughed evilly, and then leaned down and whispered gruffly in her ear. "You're going to get exactly what you came for though, I assure you."
She heard a cold metal clink and then felt the steel of the cuff around her right wrist. She started to protest, but as soon as the first sound tried to slither out between his fingers, he pulled her wrists up sharply. "No one said you had a choice in this matter, did they? No? That's right, you don't." Before he had finished speaking, the other cuff was secured on her left wrist, and she was bound.
Her mind started to race, her body shivering in response to the cold metal cuffs and the chill of the wall. She hadn't dressed for cold, her short black skirt felt obscene now, when only an hour ago, it had felt as normal as jeans. The thin white blouse, tucked into the skirt, with three buttons left undone felt less proper now, and more like an invitation for something much darker than a meeting with a new friend and a glass of wine.
With one hand free now, he let her wrists drop down behind her, and with his hand still covering her mouth, stepped back to look at her. With her right cheek pressed up against the wall, long blonde hair dripping down her back, she looked more than a little scared, and he was pleased with that. Fear is a great motivator, he thought to himself as he reached around her, laying his forearm against the front of her hips and pulling her ass backwards, forcing her feet to follow, and positioning her perfectly.
"I'm going to let go of your mouth, whore, but it's not an invitation to talk. Clear?" He watched, pleased, as she shook her head slightly, and he removed his hand from her lips. "You talk when I say you talk. Move when I say you move. And do what I tell you to do." he laughed deeply. "You screwed yourself this time, slut. No safecall. No one knows you're even here. Trusting little thing. " he tsked. "Maybe you won't be so much after tonight."
Dropping his hand to the hem of her short skirt, he flipped it up over her ass, and immediately raked his fingernails roughly down her right cheek. "Since when does a whore get benefit of underwear?" he asked, not expecting an answer. "Not that it covers much. It certainly isn't enough to soak up the smell of how fucking wet you are already. Regardless, no matter how sexy you thought it was, it's in the way, and it's got to go." She felt the cold steel of a pocket knife blade against the skin of her ass, and then felt him pull the lacey red thong up her crack. She moaned and pressed her cheek up against the wall harder, as he slit the back of the panties and pulled them roughly away from her.
She drew in a sharp breath when she heard the knife hit the floor. Every noise, every small sound had her knees shaking. She was completely at his mercy now; no amount of regretting her decision would pull her out of that, not even the knowledge that she knew what he said about her smell was accurate; she was wet. Her mind had nowhere to go with that fact.
"What I'd like to do is shove you down onto your knees and fuck those bright red lips, but I think there are a few other things that need tending to first." He said, his voice now calm and almost relaxed. "Don't you fucking move an inch though." he slapped her ass sharply. "Not one inch."
Her eyes shut tightly, she heard his footsteps on the wood floor as he walked away from her. She held her breath, and waited.

Snippets

It's been raining for the better part of 9 days now.

We had one sunny day in 9 days, and my allergies were so bad, I could barely see. But right now, I'd take that over this pissing rain.

It doesn't depress me. I lived in Portland, Oregon for nearly two years. You sorta get used to it *chuckle*. But it does make me unmotivated and unenergized, which I dislike.

I'd love to see some sunshine. Send me some?

-----

A friend of mine from Alt has been struggling with his morality lately. It's sad to watch, but it's a learning experience for him, and while he detests hurting people (and himself I'm sure), I think that his recent choices will be for the best in the long run, whether he ends up with his former girlfriend or not. If everything were easy, we'd all be rich and well-fucked, eh?

----

Speaking of well-fucked.....

........... I'm not. And it's starting to make me a little silly~ You have been warned.

----

Tuesday! The Jan Brady of Weekdays!
*snicker*

----

Speaking of speaking of well-fucked, it's my own fault I'm not. I think I've gotten 25 emails this past week on the vanilla aff site, only one of which actually fit what my profile is looking for, and he wasn't really all that appealing for some reason. The Alt side is even less effective lately. /shrug And I cant' say I'm putting much effort in either. Between work and my downtime - family and my home - my free time is not all that abundant. Some people understand that. And some people send nasty emails when they don't get a response in a timely manner. Well, sorry. Typically, my pussy is not the first thing on my list to get satisfied lately. (how unfortunate). I have other things that need doing - things for myself, things to do with my health and well-being. It's about choices, apparently. And while it's not my first choice to continue to be celibate *eeep*, it's what there is right now.

----

I've recently discovered that I'm very easy to spoil. Also, that it doesn't take all that much to make me feel good, warm, and happy.

I guess that does make me easy, huh.

/eye

Whatever. It might be easy to turn my head, but to keep it turned, you better be willing to put in the work~

----
My boss did the nicest thing yesterday. I'd taken my car to Midas for new front brakes before he got to work. When the shop called and gave me the estimate, he asked how much it was, and then told me that the company would pay for it; they could deduct it and I couldn't - plus, I was due a bonus.

Man. Did that ever make my entire month.

Feeling appreciated is one of the best feelings there is. (That's a hint to you gents who wonder about such things)

----

I'm feeling a need to write some fiction - soon. I think I'll make Memorial day a 4 day weekend. I haven't had a day off since my Dad's surgery in February - I think I'm due :) Then maybe I can actually get some writing done.

Normal

Someone I've come to really like on the blogs recently made a post that I enjoyed - part of it was explaining that just because she's submissive does not mean she's "broken".

That is the typically view of us, you know - from the vanillas. That we're broken mentally, that we need to be taken charge of and beaten because something inside us is not mentally stable. "Normal people don't want those things."

Well, here's a news flash. The divorce rate is over 50 percent in this country. If we all wanted white bread/2.5 kids/house in the suburbs, I think that rate'd be much lower.

What is normal, anyway? Missionary position on Saturday nights? (Not that I'm knocking the missionary position mind you, I'm personally quite fond of it.). No porn, no mastubation, no kink, no anal or oral sex. Is that what people think is normal?

I meet someone now who hasn't had anal or oral sex and I think they're odd :/

Those of us who like to add a bit of spice (ok, maybe more than that. Maybe a couple harbenos) to our lives and fulfill the things that we seek from our soul seem to be more the norm in this country now, rather than the "once a week, don't mess up my hair" crowd.

We are not broken (** Some of us are. I have to add that. There are mentally unstable people in every walk of life, and you will find them here, too**). We are open to the possibility that perhaps the universe gave orgasms such a great feeling because they're supposed to be fun.

Thank you, Universe.

Get it~

My horoscope said yesterday, in part: "Okay, there's nothing quite as frustrating as someone who doesn't get it. Still, attempt to work around other's - ahem - blind spots rather than losing your temper, engaging in feloniuous assault or attempting to change anyone's mind."

Well, there's some reality if I ever saw it.

I wish more people got *me*.

I don't dwell anymore on the fact that I'm not your typical vanilla midwest girl. I used to. But I don't anymore, because what's the point? I am who I am, I want what I want, I feel what I feel - and you can either accept it, or run screaming.

But scream softly because you give me a headache.

Mental Pictures

I try really hard not to think too much about why I want what I want anymore. In the past, when I've given it too much thought, it's like I'm trying to talk myself out of it, and that leads to frustration.

But occasionally, something will pop into my head that I have to ponder.

I made mention the other day of finding a few new kink folks in EQ (which always makes my day), and one lovely lady sent me a few pictures of herself in hook suspension. They're gorgeous pictures, but I found myself looking at them and wondering..... What would make someone want to do that?

Then I started to think about all the things on my own play list, and tried to track them down to where the desire for them comes from.

The first one I was able to find an answer to was The Belt. It's not getting hit with a belt that I find erotic, it's watching a man pull it through the loops of his pants, knowing his intent with it, his eyes never leaving yours, his face grim, his stance firm. /fans self. I know where that comes from. I think I've told the story here before about how when M first came to Wyoming to visit me, we had spent some time with C as well. One evening while the three of us were together, I got lippy with C, and when M didn't do what C thought he should do (get me under control - HA), C stood up and took his belt off, as if he were going to come at me with it (with M sitting right there - M, being my dom at the time, C being my former dom at the time). C told me, after M went back to California, that he wasn't right for me. Turns out he was right, but that's neither here nor there. What makes The Belt desireable to me now is that I can still see C standing up out of the chair to pull his off, with M right there. I've carried that image for 10 years. I probably always will.

There are other things on the list that I'm sure if I thought long and hard about, I could come up with a mental picture similarly to relate them to my life. But nowhere in there can I find a reason to be suspended by hooks *grin* I'll leave that for the ones who enjoy it.

Bleh

So, I brought my tennis shoes to work with week with the intention of walking at lunch.

Monday, it was rainy. Tuesday it was rainy. Today, my allergies are in high gear. Ugh.

I will do it though. I got my claritin. The weather for the rest of the week looks good. I need to do it, as I have no motivation to exercise at night anymore. That, and I hate TV and my dvd player is busted and I've yet to go get a new one.

*chuckle*

In other news... well, there isn't any.

I did find a few new kinky folks in EQ *grin*. That's always fun. Did buy a few new shirts today, cute ones, in a smaller size again. The scale is moving again. I'm nearly ready for summer.

My eyes are glassy today from the allergies, so this is all I'll be writing. It's all I can do right now to focus on the screen to work.

Sunshine! :)

Affection

I miss having someone to be affectionate with.

By nature, I'm a very affectionate person. Not slobbery in public or overly-attentive or anything. I'm just very affectionate with people I like, and I'm not afraid to show it.

I miss that more than sex sometimes. I miss it more than spankings or play. While my cats currently reap the benefits of me having no one else to be affectionate with (beyond friends and family), even they get a little sick of me sometimes /wink.

After M and I split in CA, I spent 13 months alone for the most part. But I had great friends - some of whom I cuddled with, some of whom I slept with *grin*, and there was always a place for me to go when I felt down and needed it. I dunno why I picked Wisconsin, knowing that I knew no one here, and that it would be hard. Maybe I did it on purpose. For the most part, it served it's purpose. It gave me that time alone to sort out the why's and wherefore's in my life, and allowed me to settle back into myself and disengage from all the destructive or counterproductive things I had allowed into my life.

But now that I've completed most of that work (not all, we are never done...), I find myself wanting to reach out and be surrounded by people again.

Course, then there are other times that I'm a total recluse and prefer the company of my coffee and my peace and quiet. /shrug

Change

Someone asked the question on a message board I visit: "If you could switch to the other gender for 24 hours, what would you do during that time?"

My answer: "Nothing. I don't want to switch."

With all of the heartbreak I've had in my life, with all of the problems -- I'm happy being a woman. I've never had penis envy; never wanted to be a man for "just one day". I fit right where I am, I like it here, I'm happy here.

Am I completely happy in my own skin? No, I don't think anyone ever truly is. But I'm much happier than I was a year, five years, ten years ago. And of course I'd like perky tits and a tan - maybe some better highlights in my hair - but basically, I'm happy with what I have. It's served me well and gotten me this far. Why in the world would I want a cock of my own when I much prefer them attached to men?

There's nothing wrong with liking the idea of switching it out for one day, but don't expect me to get in that line. I'm of the mind that - with me personally - a cock belongs on the inside, not on the outside /grin

Interogation

Something about an interogation scene intrigues the hell out of me. Maybe because I'm always been pretty much safe in my own little world (well, physically safe for the most part), and the thought of this ever really happening to me for real is remote at best. But the idea of being tired in a chair and tortured for information just ...mm. Yea, I'd like to try that.

See, it's a challenge. I rarely back down from a challenge. More than anything, I'd like to see how long I could go without cracking. How much I could withstand before giving in. As I've said before, frankly, my limits haven't really ever been pushed hard, and my mind cries out to be pushed to that wall.

As I wrote that last paragraph it occured to me: There is more than one way to torture someone.

Physical pain is the obvious here, but there are others. In a setting with someone you were sexual with, you could be sexually tortured; brought to the edge of orgasm repeatedly until you simply couldn't take it anymore. In a setting with someone you were mentally and emotionally safe with, you could be teased and/or guilted into speaking your truth. Those two came to mind, though I'm sure there are others. It all depends on which edge you like to play on.

Or a combination of the three. Hmmm....yup, still intriguied. Moreso now maybe :)

Attraction

What is it that attracts, or doesn't attract us to some people?

And why is that so utterly important?

For example, of the few dominants I'm chatting with, I only find one of them attractive. The others I am not physically attracted or (not repelled either, just - ok), but I'm enjoying talking with them, and might even play with them - but it would never go further than that.

It irritates me for some reason that I feel that way. I mean, ok, it shouldn't. This is the way human nature works. If you are not physically compelled by someone, you aren't - even if you like their mind, heart and soul. This can be, of course, overcome (by the later 3 things) but is it ever truly 100% overcome?

I should stop trying to figure out nature. It never ends up well.

I remember way back in the days of Le Chateau Dungeon on AOL (!), and how people explained away the need for attraction by saying that you get to know someone online - mind and soul - and the body didn't matter. Boy were those people surprirsed when, after "getting to know" someone for six months lead to a real time meeting that ended in disaster because one person wasn't remotely attracted to the other.

Fact is, it does matter.

Now, granted, you can find something attractive in almost anyone you meet, and sometimes, this is enough. However, we all have preferences. Some state them up front, some don't. I try to, but I don't always hit the mark either.

How important are they, really? Will they make or break it for you?

To be completely honest here, if someone doesn't meet at least one of my physical preferences, I'm likely to not continue contact with them. Does that make me a snob? Okay, if it does, fine. But having lived in this world for 41, I know enough about myself to know that there has to be something - some physical spark - between people, or it doesn't go very far.

Call it what you want. It's honest.

Push

Every once in a great while, I get a hankerin' to be pushed hard. No, I don't mean put your hand on my back and shove me, I mean push me to the absolute limit of my sanity.

I've talked before many times about being pushed past small limits. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm not talking about baby steps. I'm talking about hard core, to the edge pushing.

As I said - every great once in awhile. (Typically, on a day to day basis, I'm low maintenance. I don't need to *see* your dominance, I just want a taste of it, to know it's still there. And that's easy to feed me~)

Honestly right now, it wouldn't probably take near as much as it has in years past. I'm completely out of practice, so to speak, and it's honestly been well over 2 years since I even had a hand spanking (don't pity me; this was my choice - to wait until my life and mind were in a better place)

I wonder, sometimes (like today) why that craving comes to me out of the blue, and why I still get all antsy and jumpy when I think about it enough.

It would take a long time for me to feel comfortable enough with someone that I was not in a full time relationship with to allow this to come to fruition. I know that about myself. And I know that I'd have to be completely comfortable with that person. So it's not like I'm going to be experiencing this anytime soon. So why then, does it tend to come to be, on a warm but cloudy day here, that I need that?

I have a pretty good idea of why. I've been writing and thinking and writing some more over the last several weeks about BDSM. It's been pounding on my brain like a good deerskin flogger on my back.

I've had horrible luck so far with people from Alt. The few I thought were perhaps going to work out haven't, for one reason or another (scheduling conflicts and busy schedules seem to be the biggest reason lately), and as I continue discussing and communicating with a few of them, I find myself less and less hopeful about finding someone that I really click with. I'll admit it; I got very lucky meeting C when and where I did, even though the d/s part of our relationship never did flourish to where we believed it would go. And even M, though he took me for quite the ride, was a great learning experience for me (as I know I was for him), and I went further than I ever thought I would. I have gotten much better about not taking these little defeats personally. And I haven't even started to give up yet. But perhaps my frustration is based in the fact that I'm ready - more ready than I was a month ago, more ready than I was a year ago, more ready than I was a week ago. And now that I stand ready, I stand alone.

So, today, I'll push the "pushing" out of my head again. And concentrate on being myself, working toward some goals, and finding someone that I can start to get to know in such a way as to get comfortable.

Acceptance, as always is the key, I believe. And I've accepted where I am in my life right now, even if I don't like the part of me that craves so much today.

On Top

I dislike being on top during sex, for a couple reasons.

Firstly, because my legs are too long( I am 5'9, with an inseam of 36"), and if the gentleman isn't at least a good 5-6" taller than I am, my knees end up under his armpits or higher, and it's extremely uncomfortable on my knees. My first husband was 6'4" tall, and it worked all right with him, because his upper body was long.

But I still didn't care much for it, because

Secondly, unless there is a very strong aura of dominance coming from the man, it makes me feel like I'm in control of the situation, and it's a rare occasion that I enjoy that feeling. (not never, just rarely)

I do enjoy teasing, and being in control sometimes, no question. C did not seem to enjoy that at all (though he did like me on top, because in his words, sometimes he felt "lazy"). I fancy myself somewhat of a seductress at times, and teasing a man until he's absolutely at his wit's end is a treat. I cart around a lot of sexual energy, and this is a great way to relieve it. It also brings to mind (and feeling) a courtesan or a highly paid whore, both of which can be a great role to slip into. And lastly, I enjoy it because once you have taken a man to the end of his rope, so to speak, he has no choice but to flip you around and take you on *his* terms, which is extremley fulfilling to me.

Not to mention hot.

*grin*

The Wrong End of the Cane

I've talked about canes before here. About how I used to use them extensively when I topped in California, and how I learned from one of the best how to use them properly, care for them, and make masochistic little girls sing sweetly for them.

I think I've also mentioned that I've never actually had one used on me.

There are probably several reasons for that. I bought my first cane while I was with M. It came from Stormy Leather in San Francisco, and was a beautiful rattan nightmare.No fancy wrapping on the end, no liquid latex or paint - just a sturdy slightly curved piece of danger. I bought it with the intent of it being used on me, but that never happened, as M developed a non-waivering crush on his single tail, and that was pretty much the only thing that got used. So when we split, and I started topping more frequently, I started using that cane, and several others that I had purchased.

C is not into canes. Actually, about the only toys he ever really did use seriously on me were paddles. He did play with the floggers a bit in California, but that was mostly just trying them out. Hence, the four inces of dust on my toybag. (not that I'm complaining, mind you. There really aren't many toys I like better than others - pain is pain to me.)

While learning to use my whippy little canes, I spoke to many of the women that I topped with them, and asked why they liked them. For masochists, this was an easy answer: Intense pain. For the submissives, it was not so easy, but most of them reacted as I imagine I would - "I'll take it for you, if you like to give it."

As I've said repeatedly, I'm not a masochist. I don't get off on pain for pain's sake. Pain for me is a challenge, and a way for me to show submission, but it is not sex itself. That's not to say that I don't enjoy pain *during* sex *grin*.

I would, at some point, like to experience the cane. But not in a play-only situation. I do understand the two-fold pain that accompanies a cane strike (as it has been explained to me), and as it's not something I would consider casual play, it's not something that I would enjoy in that situation. However, if it's someone that I had played with more than once, and had become comfortable and trusting with, yes, I would like to try it - just once. This would be, I think, a true act of submission for me - and allow me to overcome the sense of fear I have at being at the "wrong end" of the cane.

Shhh.

I've never been gagged. Never even had someone put their hand over my mouth. It's something that I'll admit, I'm curious about.

I mean, look at my handle. I have been told that I make the most "delightful" noises, both during play and sex. C was a very aural (of or relating to the ear or to the sense of hearing ) person, the more noise I made, or the more I spoke, the better he enjoyed it. I've been told that I scream, whimper, moan, curse, beg and generally make my "feelings" about whatever's happening to me known. Some of it, I remember, some I don't. I guess it depends on how lost I am in it.

The closest I've ever come to being gagged was an early morning fuck with M, while his daughters were in their rooms getting ready for school. There was nothing over my mouth, but with a few words of warning, and his instruction to be silent, I was as effectively gagged as I could have been. And he had the fingernails scratches on his back to prove it *grin*. (well, that energy had to go somewhere.....). And it was quite a powerful orgasm I had that morning, but I've no idea if it was from the silence, or the newness of it, or the excitement radiating off him as he tried something new. As far as gags go, that was pretty effective (considering we'd been together for about 2 years at that point).

As for real gags? I dunno. Ball gags are out for me, bits probably too because of the trouble I've had with my teeth. A bandana perhaps.. Duct tape? Ouch. I'm rather fond of my full lips, and would prefer not to have them ripped off kkthx :P I actually did buy a couple of bandanas and put them in my toybag, in case this ever came up. *blows 4 inches of dust off the toybag and sneezes*

I have been chatting with a local gent who enjoys bondage, so - who knows - maybe I'll get to find out :)

Truth

My horoscope for Saturday said, in part, "Mercury enters traditional Taurus, bringing issues of home and hearth to the forefront. As you navigate them, remember that pleasing all of the people all of the time is tough, and you never shine when you're bailing on your own needs."

Ain't that the truth.

I spent the weekend cleaning, working and playing a little EQ. One of these days, I'll quit taking work home, I swear it.

In and amongst the work and cleaning (if I could justify it, I'd hire someone to come in once a week and do that, but the apartment isn't that big and it'd make me feel lazy), I contemplated a lot of things. I really wanted to write this weekend, but I couldn't get anything out. That happens sometimes. I don't take it as hard as I used to; it used to just rip me out when I couldn't write. Now, I take it as a sign that I should think a bit more before putting anything out.

So I got into work this morning, and read the above horoscope (I have one of those daily rip-off-a-page calendars with my horoscope on it) and I kinda grinned to myself because that's something I just started being more aware of - how I tend to want to make everyone happy, and leave myself feeling miserable. No more, though. I've said it before; this is my turn, my time. And finding what I want and need are pretty much at the top of my list.

Course, it doesn't help when what I want changes on a daily basis, depending on my mood, the alignment of the planets, whatever. There are some constants, of course. You've read them all here *grin*.

For now, I guess I'm just happy that I wake up in a good mood most of the time, the drama around my life has mostly settled down, and my tax return is in :)

Upside

I woke up early this morning, before the alarm even went off. I guess that's what I get for going to bed before 11pm :)

And I woke up in a great mood. I felt good. The scale hasn't moved in like 2 weeks, but there are definte changes in my clothes and how they fit (for the better) so that's all good. I'm "adjusting" again. And I'm fine with that.

Went to bed with my hair all twisted up in a ponytail/knot and woke up with lucious curls. I'll have to remember that.

Even work hasn't seemed to knock me in the dirt, and I only have 2 hours to go :)

This new attitude I've adopted recently - just tossing out the "trash" without looking back, feeling guilty or worrying about having made a mistake - this is a good thing. I'm happy with it. And you know what, I actually started sleeping again /wink.

The only downer is that it's chilly here today, and I left my windows open. Will have to get the space heater out tonight I'm sure.

Been chatting with a local dominant. Bondage guy *grin*. You know how I love bondage..... Not getting my hopes up, not letting it affect my mood, not worrying about it. Not going to let myself get taken down the rabbit hole again.

I'm not even that fond of rabbits :/

I am however, fond of my readers. Your emails are amazing, uplifting and make me feel very good. Thank you, most graciously.

Hoping I get a chance to write this weekend, as I have a few topics I'd like to cover.

Until then,
Happy Friday

I'd rather be pissed off than....

...pissed on by someone who has no clue.

And yet, another Alt mistake. I seem to making quite a few of those, hopefully, either I will learn from them, or get frustrated and kill the account all together.

1. Submissive does not mean "whore". I am not your booty call, especially when you live 2 hours away and refuse to come here, or even meet me half way for an initial meeting.

2. And what's up with that "come to me" nonesense? I'm a busy person, too. I have a life.

3. If you begin a conversation by insulting me, consider it over before it starts. You have no idea what I'm thinking, feeling, or doing and you sure as shit don't know me well enough from some chat, and one phone call, to decide who and what I am.

---

Man, I am fed up.

I am altering my profile to say that if you are single and have never been married - and are only into "the sex part" of d/s, don't waste my time.

Thus begins a new chapter for me: Eat a peach, punk. Come see me when your hot head cools, and your logic returns.

/sigh

People piss me off.

This is likely not going to have anything to do with BDSM, so if that's what you come here to read, you might well want to skip it.

This rant is about people. One incident in particular. And how I'm tired of being the good person.

Almost all of my life, I have tried vigorously to be the mature one - the adult - the forgiving person. It's how I was raised; and these are values that my grandmother instilled at me from a very young age.

Over the last few years, however, my soul has grown tired. I am tired of sucking up the blame when none is due me. Tired of being the adult and letting other adults get away with murder in my attemp to "keep peace". Tired of letting people walk all the fuck over me just so that I can feel good about being mature.

Problem is? I do NOT feel good about the bootprints on my back.

When this bit of drama arose a couple weeks ago, I did indeed still try to be the mature one, tried to let it go, pass, forgive. But it's not going or passing, and for some reason, I cannot bring myself to forgive this fuckwad who didn't just step on my back; he jumped up and down and danced a jig.

And so, I have not sucked it up. I have not remained quiet and I have not given him the benefit of any doubt. I intially tried to. But when you have the exact same story being repeated to you 20 times in 2 weeks, by 20 people who have no vested interest in the situation, you know better. No matter how much of an adult you want to be, you have to eventually face the reality of the situation and say to yourself "That is some fucked up shit right there. I have been wronged."

So now, all these people in my life who expected me to walk meekly into the night, accepting my fate and taking the lion's share of the blame for this are in shock. I believe they are confused as to my reaction and I truly believe that they're anger at me now is due to the fact that I did not follow my own pattern.

Awwww....here, lemme give you a hug. I'm so sorry you treated me badly and now have to deal with the reality of that. Suck it up dumbass.

I do not feel badly about how I have handled this. What I do feel badly about is that mutual friends are now caught in the crossfire. That, and the fact that this simply will....not....die.

*growls*

I will NOT go quietly into the night anymore.

(bdsm content) unless you gag me and turn out the lights~

Flirt

Growing up, and even into my 20's and early thirties, I was not much of a flirt. I think this wraps itself around the healthy sexual self-esteem I was talking about yesterday.

Apparently, however, that's in the past, as I find myself flirting like crazy these days. Harmlessly. A sly smile, a wink, a slight crook of the head - at work. Direct eye contact, that smile again, a turn of a phrase - outside of work. More brazenly yet online.

And I must say, I'm enjoying the hell out of it. It's a little charge; sometimes sexual, sometimes just a "good feeling" especially when the object of your flirtation responds favorably. It's like being back in high school (if I'd have flirted in high school) without all the typical teenage hormonal baggage.

Who says you can't go back to being a kid again? I didn't like it the first time; maybe I'll enjoy it now.

Ask.

I've talked about inspiration before; where it comes from for me, how easily I can be inspired to sit down and write a short story, a poem, an essay, a blogger *grin*. All it takes it the right word, the right phrase, the right tone of voice.

Does that make me easy? :P

In a conversation the other night, the subject of a woman "asking to cum" came up (no pun intended, this time). This is something that I always did with C when that dynamic was alive and well with our relationship. When it faded, I quit doing it. It didn't feel...right anymore. I also did this every time with M in California. It was part of it for us.

When I first met C back in 96 in Cheyenne, one of his first assignments for me was to learn how to beg. As soon as he said it, my heart sank. Beg? BEG? Haven't I always been taught that I shouldn't have to beg for what I want? My parents, despite their rather puritanical sex views (well, my dad's anyway), raised me to be smart, independent, strong. Listening to C talk about this was like fingernals on a chalkboard, and his first actual writing assignment to me was to write an essay about - begging. A reworked copy of it can be found here (http://www.thescreamergirl.com/beg.htm), though I do have the old one...somewhere at home. The web page contains the 2000 version.

Why, do you suppose, do so many woman have such discomfort with that?

I know for me, the words just sounds odd coming out of my mouth, unless I'm completely lost in the fuck. It isn't that I mind doing it - having to ask to cum makes me incredibly hot, especially when I do not get a favorable response *grin* and have to wait. But I don't want to stop and think about it. I don't want to have to stop and think of what to say or how to phrase it. If I do, it'll sound fake in my head, and I'll lose the moment. And that is a moment I do not want to lose~

It covers all the bases during sex; domination, a slight amount of humiliation, control, occasionally a little bit of sadism *grin*. It opens up yet another level of being beholden to the dominant for saying yes (if he does.). It is one of those beautifully simplistic acts that can take you to a completely new place.

Okay, well, maybe I am easy :P

Social

My horoscope for yesterday said, in part, "Graceful Venus sashays into Aries, suggesting that you are slated for romantic, creative and social options by the boatlod. While much fun and gain can come from this medley, don't spread yourself so thing as to emulate a crepe."

I love horoscopes with a sense of humor :)

Having pretty much cleaned out the first set of dominants I was talking to from Alt (either by their hand or mine), I've stopped ignoring my email there, and am reading profiles of some of the new ones courting me. One in particular, actually local to me (surprise!), has a bonadge *thing*, and we're currently going back and forth in email discussing some possibilities, and checking schedules. It'd be wonderful to play; I'm hoping it comes to fruition, though it seems to me that most of the gents I talk to are really looking for a love match as well, and I'm not. Isnt' that odd. Typically, it's the men who are avoiding that like the plague *grin*.

I've had a couple dates in the last couple months. Nothing to write home about unfortunately, and no one that I've seen again. One was vanilla; strictly vanilla. Not even French vanilla. Not even a speckle of vanilla bean. I cannot, will not go back there.

I am still patient. And it isn't like I don't have other ways to fill the current voids *grin*. And it isn't like I don't have more emails to catch up on *grin grin*.

When my time finally does come again --- it will have been worth the wait~

How's Your Sexual Self-Esteem?

Having been overweight for the majority of my life (and getting less so every day!), I have to admit that in my earlier years, my sexual self-esteem was trash. I never asked for what I wanted before the age of 30. I never figured my desires were normal or even attainable, so I just laid back (so to speak) and let whoever I was with at the time drive the sexual steam engine.

The older (and healthier) I get, the less of that is left in me. As a matter of fact right now, I'd say it's down to less than 5% of who I am.

This does not mean I am an aggresive, demanding bitch in the sack *chuckle*, far from it - I am occasionally aggresive (lightly so), extremley verbal (and I like lovers who are as well - talk to me, make a little noise for gods sakes). It just means that I'm not gonna be willing to trash what I want and need for the sake of someone else, just so I can get laid.

I define sexual self-esteem as a) knowing what you want, b) being able to verbalize it, and c) actually verbalizing it.

The first one is easy. Whether we will admit it to ourselves or not most of the time, we all know what sets us off between the sheets (or over the kitchen table, or up against a wall or...or...). The ability to verbalize it, and the desire to do so, however, are not as easy for one person as they are for the next, especially in many women. We were not raised that way - even those of us who were born during the 60's and 70's during the hot sex revolution. I was raised Catholic (recovering now, 17 years), and from a very early age it was drilled into me that sex was bad, that women put up with it, that it was for making babies not pleasure.

Fuck that.

I want what I want. I'm not afraid to admit it to myself or anyone else. I like men that are verbal. I don't much care if you're just moaning, though I prefer to exchange dirty talk *grins*. Of course, the more dominant that is, the better for me. And I like it rough. Hard. Hurt me at the right time and I will be screaming your name right along with god's. Go ahead and torment me if you like - watch how my eyes glow when you do. Don't bother with oral on me unless you enjoy using it to torment me or you honestly enjoy it; I can live without it, and it's never a deal breaker either way with me. Cum on me, not in me if you enjoy the view. Masturbate for me, or make me do it for you. Grab my hair when you shove your cock in my mouth, isn't that what it's there for? Threaten me, growl, curse...whatever makes you feel good. Chances are, I'm going to share your get-off factor on it.

Think your sexual self-esteem is in the dirt? Want to make it better?

Get used to your own body. It's yours. No matter how you're shaped, you're built for pleasure as we all are. Find out through experimentation what gets you off the hardest. Look at dirty pictures. Watch porn. Talk to people. Read. Read. Read. Explore your own fantasies. Find someone to share them with. Masturbate. A lot. And when you find that point where you know what you want, and can put it into words, then do so. And your sexual self-esteem will go up double~, I promise.

I wrote yesterday about "dirty" things, but I never did finish that. (I know, I know, I promised but my boss didn't seem to think it was as important as getting some work done *grin*). My boss seems to be late this morning, so maybe I'll get back to it. But the paragraph above that describes what I like pretty much covers it *grin*.

I will Not Be Broken~

The ex called this morning from Florida - fleet week. It's actually amusing to me that he and I get along now as well as we do. He just called to say hi, and to let me know "around when" he'd be back in Virginia. I felt absolutely no animosity to him whatsoever.

I made reference a few times last week to some drama I'd been dealing with. This involved a man I'd met on EQ a couple years ago, and had been "married" to in game (we were partners, ran around together). There were some unresolved feelings with this guy, as when we first started hanging out, there was some thick sexual tension, but later on when that passed, we both seemed to be aggitated with each other all the time. So when it was finally over a couple weeks ago (and it did not end well; turns out he figured lying to me was easier for him), it set off a small trigger in my brain that said:

"You are finally - completely - free."

And free I am. Feel. I can breathe completely deeply now. I guess I hadn't realized what an albatross that whole thing had become for me. I'd say that the jackass did me a favor, but that'd be giving him credit for being a snake and I refuse to do that~

Anway.

With that load (of horseshit) lifted off me - a stable relationship with the soon to be exhusband - and a deep desire to get back to who it is I was - and still am - I find myself inexplicably drawn in to finding someone to be submissive to. (I also find myself flirting like a crazed woman, but that part is fun so :P).

As I was driving home the other night from work, a new Bonnie Raitt tune came on the radio. Now, I love Bonnie Raitt, always have (Margaritas with Fernando anyone?), but this song speaks to the very core of where my life is now. I will quote a bit of it here, before I get on with "the good stuff" today~

I Will Not Be Broken, Bonnie Raitt (partial lyrics)

I will not be...

Someone other than who I am
I will fight to make my stand
Cause what is livin' if I can't live free
What is freedom if I can't be me

Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I'm not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken

Dirty Part 1

Dirty.

What is it about certain acts that make a woman like me flutter? Dirty things, things that we we raised to believe degraded us, made us less than equal with our partners? Too many of them to list, and if I did, I wouldn't get a damn thing done today; I'd spend the day in the bathroom with my hand in my jeans~

So why do I sit here this morning, craving something dirty?

I have said often enough that the dirtier and nastier it is, the better I like it. It's funny. It doesn't have to be anything huge to set me off, either. Whisper something terrible in my ear - call me a whore, a cunt, tell me you intend to hurt me/use me/do what you want with me. Growl. Grab a handful of hair and take me to my knees. I'm not hard to set off /grin.

And what's in it for you, if you do that? Expend that small amount of energy for something I want and need?

Well, nothing, if you like cuddly sweet sex.

But if you don't, there's plenty in it for you. Set me off, and your naughtiest fantasies (within a huge range of reason) can come true.

I promise, I'll make it as good for you as it is for me~

Now, where was I. Oh that's right.

What's Dirty?

My boss will be in soon, so that will have to wait~ (and yes, I am a tease sometimes :P)

I promise I'll finish that today.