Thursday, November 16, 2006

Defining Me



I came into this world with a few things: an over-developed sense of responsibility, a very well defined sense of what's right and wrong, and a thin line between want and need.

The first one makes me work too hard.
The second one makes decisions very easy.
And the third one makes defining what I go after very difficult.

I'd really like to expound on that, but I have work to do, and keeping with number one on the list, I need to get to it :p

Slacking



Yea, I've been slacking a bit. Been sick. Good reason? I dunno. But it's the reason anyway.

That urge to write isn't getting any less, and I'm still absolutely stuck. I can now free up the time to do it, I just have no inspiration or motivation, so the search for a muse continues. I'm thinking that if I could combine my fantasy writing with my d/s writing, there'd be some major sparks. I need to go back to my last work on that.....

Hm. The weekend approacheth. Maybe I'll make some time.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Suffer


"I've done wrong, and I want to suffer for my sins." Criminal, Fiona Apple

I once had a man, who may perhaps be a dominant someday, say to me -- "Suffer for me. It's strangely arousing."

Frankly, I found the sentiment of that phrase strangely arousing myself and it stuck in my mind for a very long time afterward.

What about suffering is arousing? Why do so many submissive women look forward to being put into awkward, often painful situations? Why is it that the more we suffer, the more submissive we think we become?

Is it pride? love? fear? What's the motivation? If we suffer enough, it proves our devotion and/or love? It shows we are not afraid?

Not that it matters, of course. It's the simple fact that it gets us off that is enough.

I miss being challenged in that regard. I miss being challenged, period.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Lazy



I've gotten very lazy about my hair :(

It's up in a ponytail nearly every day. Sunday was the first day I wore it down in I dunno how long.

I used to say that I didn't grow my hair this long to wear it up all the time. I guess that means I gotta start investing a bit more time in it *grin*

People always ask me if I'm going to cut it.

Hell, no~

Take it



So I'm sitting here this morning, frustrated, because I have a great desire to write and nothing to write about.

So I'm considering things. And I'm wondering why it always seems so much easier to be free and creative when someone draws an image in my mind; why I can't seem to do that for myself.

Over the last few years, my submission is much less about giving it up to someone , and much more about making them work at it - take it, if you will. That's what sets me off. Not being little Miss Meek kneeling in the middle of a room of my own free will for whatever he (whoever HE is) feels like doing. It's not about waiting for things to happen to me; it's about being MADE to wait.

Make any sense? Yea, not so much to me either sometimes, but that's how it feels.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Dare to...

.. to what? be myself?

You know, I keep two bloggers these days. This one, and one over at Yahoo that's a little more...politically correct I suppose. It's also the one that's hooked to some of my EverQuest friends, specifically some that I met in Philly in August. I wouldn't dare talk about half the things I've rambled on and on about in the last nearly 4 years here.

But I dunno why not.

I mean, this *is* me. I *am* the kinky little bitch who likes a good spankin' sometimes, and enjoys the feel of rope or cuffs around her wrists and ankles /shrug. This *is* me. I've bled for a man who wanted to make me bleed. I've cried. I've cum. And I've enjoyed every minute (ok, not so much every minute, I'm not a masochist) of it.

Okay, so I still dunno. It's probably got a lot to do with propriety, and the way I was raised. It's also probably got to do with the fact that - just because this *is* me, and how I am, doesn't mean everyone *wants* to know about it, and I'd rather they asked than me parading it around.

This all comes up this morning for a reason. And it's kind of a dumb reason so I hesitate to share it at all, but it's probably good for me to write about it.

Last spring, when I ended a year + long relationship with an EQ partner, I almost quit the game (again). Something kept me there, tho. After about a month, I started flirting with another guy - a safe guy, who lives in England - wayyyyyy far away from me (lol). Now, that was about six months ago.

I've been very open with him (he even knows I write BDSM erotica, tho it certainly freaked him a bit), and he hasn't been very open with me. As a matter of fact, right before I left for VA in September, he started talking about "blurring the lines" between the game and reality, and sometimes he "had to remember that I'm actually 4K miles away". But since I got back... he's been quiet, withdrawn from me. He always says hello and never says goodnight anymore. /shrug It's just gotten weird, I guess and it's bummed me out.

I mean, okay - look - he's as vanilla as they come and is not a good "partner" for me. Remember me talking about settling yesterday? Yea, this is kind of where that came form. It's not like I'm in anything more than "like" with this guy. It's an affectionate friendship, and it's not any kind of cybor-passions thing - it's just cute and fun. So, why would it bother me so much when he doesn't say goodnight for a week in a row? /eyeroll.

Maybe because EQ has - once again - become WAY too much of a focus in my life, and I need to back off it - again.

I'm sure that's it *laugh*

Monday, October 23, 2006

Today's Horoscope



(I am an Aquarius)

Quickie:
Instead of wasting time trying to encourage someone to grow up, go on without them

Nice timing on that /wink.

Are you wondering?


... where the bdsm writing went?
Me too.

I'm really starting to get settled into the new place, though, so hopefully it'll make a triumphant return soon. It's not that it hasn't been on my mind, cause it has. It just hasn't been prevelant enough for me to sit down and write.

This kinda goes along with the settling I wrote about earlier. For awhile, I had actually set d/s aside and thought - maybe what I need is just a good vanilla man to date.

Ya know, in theroy, that's good but the reality of it is that I'm not going to settle for only part of what fulfills me anymore. I want the whole thing. Even if it's on a part time basis. Even if it's just a casual relationship. It's something that's been missing in my life for WAY too long, and something I'd really like to reclaim.

So, as I traverse the hidden paths to get back to it - come along for the ride.

Settle


For me, settling means two things today.

#1 - I really feel like I'm starting to settle into my new place. Which is good. Because I intend to make it actually "home" - not just a place to sleep as my last apartment was.

and #2 - I realized on the long-ass drive yesterday to Muscatine and back that I've been settling far too much in life.

I tried to remember the last time a man had to pursue me at all. Too many years ago.

I don't think I'm the dating type. Or maybe I should be. My life has been a trial of serial monogamy, I guess. I've gone from one relationship to the next, not really taking time between to decide what I wanted - and not really looking at the man to see if he was what I wanted and could give me what I want.

Ya, that shit's gotta end now.

I firmly stated again yesterday to my family that there are NO intentions in my head of ever getting married again. That's not to say I'm radically against marriage; it's just to say that I'm not looking for it, nor do I want it. Not now. Not for a very long time.

I'm also not crazy about sharing my space full time with someone. I've got all this space now; I want to be selfish with it.

I'm not entirely sure I even want to date.

Maybe. Soon. If....

/shrug

All I really do know is that this time, I'm not going to settle for the first person who comes along and fits "some" of the criteria of what I expect in a mate. Nope. He better fit ALL or MOST of it if he wants somma this~

HA!

Themes


Growing up, every room in my mom's house had a theme. Actually, they all still do in her house. And most of mine, too. My bedroom is done in Arthurian Legend art and Celtic accents. My kitchen is all in red. My bathroom contains a large amount of dragonflies. The office is done in magic.... (Merlin, dragons, etc)

But now that I have two living rooms, I wasn't sure what to do with my comfy living room space in the basement.

Well, til yesterday.

Several years ago, my mom bought a counted cross stich HD Bar and Shield project for my ex, Mark. Last year, I found it, and gave it to my aunt who actually works on those things, and yesterday, I got it back. It's absolutley stunning, and I now have my theme :)

I spent a great deal of time in my late-teens, early twenties on the backs of motorcycles, and again in my thirties, with Mark. In 4 years, we put well over 35K miles on the 97 FLSTS he bought, and those are some of my happiest memories - oh, not of him - he's a jackass - but of the bike, the road - the trips cross country.

Seems fitting that I do my "comfy" space in something that makes me happy.

Monday, October 16, 2006

wtf drama queens



I don't get it.

I've been online in one form or another for over 13 years. I guess, in that time, I should have come to know and understand the Drama Queen mentality. But I don't.

In an arena - such as chat, or online games - that's supposed to be fun - that you pay to be entertained by - the last thing I want to deal with is someone else's headcases or nerousii. I pay to have fun, not try to decipher their "mental breakdown of the week".

And you know what? It's not always women. The Queen is just as often a male. Scary, huh.

There are a few theroies about why these people exist and act as they do:

- their own real lives are so dull that they have to use any online environment available to them to stir up trouble so they can feel part of something.

- their need for attention is so great that they can't get it filled in their real lives, and they use online to get that attention - good or bad - that they seem to be missing. Narcisstic, if you will.

- they just can't help it. They were born a Queen and will die a Queen.

I'm not sure if I buy any of them - or all of them - on any given day.

All I know is that when I pay fifteen bucks a month to play an online game, I'm not paying to deal with someone else's mental deficiencies. And when it gets to the point that I avoid playing the game I pay 15 bucks a month to play because I don't want to deal with someone else's actions, it's time to re-evaluate playing it at all.

Be gone, you social vampires. I have had it up to *here* with you.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

What's mine is.....mine.


Somewhere back in the fall of 1999, I got my clit hood pierced.

I did this as a sign of independence from a 5 year relationship that had emotionally and mentally drained me for the most part (though it also gave me my three step daughters, so there were good parts, too), with a man who was more emotionally unstable than anyone I have yet to meet since. This was a d/s relationship - he was the "dominant" (quotes because I can't say it with a straight face). When I finally left him (well, he didn't really leave me a choice in the end, but it was my decision to walk away), I needed to find something to take back posession of myself.

So, I got my hood pierced.

The little ring with the lapis luzil bead has been there since. Well, til now.

Yup, I took it out. Maybe as a move of independence from yet another relationship that's left me feeling mostly drained (in a different way). But I took it out all the same.

To have strength, you just have to believe that you do. And I believe

Monday, October 09, 2006

Collected



Over the last 13 years, I have amassed quiet a collection of bdsm paraphenalia. Mostly toys right now - the clothes/boots/shoes I had are mostly too big for me now. I brought the last bit of them home from Virginia on this last trip. It was mostly the "stand up" stuff: canes, crops, spreader bars, the like. My violet wand also came home, though I'll likely sell that as I do not enjoy using it or having it used on me.

So now that I have this rather large collection (once estimated at about five thousand dollars in value) in my possession and - no real drive to find someone to use it. Not now, at least. Not until I finish "settling in" to my future life as a twice divorced woman, looking for some fulfillment without any kind of ring on my finger.

Yup, I said it. And as of right now, I mean it too. I have absolutely no desire to be married again. I've spent the last two years living alone - a record for me, really - and as lonely as it gets sometimes, I can truthfully say I have no desire to share my personal space with another person right now.

I thought for awhile - when it first occured to me that I felt that way - that it was bitterness, but it's not. It's a choice, a preference. A lover would be nice. A lover who was a competent dominant would be a huge bonus. But more than that? No, not now.

((And here's a hint for the ladies: if you feel that way, don't put it in any kind of profile. No matter how many times you say "no married men" after they read "no commitment" they consider you fair game. Really. Guys, take a hint: no married men means - no married men.))

So for now, the collection collects nothing but dust.

Maybe eventually, I'll be settled enough to look. But right now, if it doesn't fall into my lap... it's not gonna happen.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Search for a muse



(short note: I'm started keeping a rather vanilla blog on Yahoo 360. I dunno why. But if you happen to read both, this one will be the more graphic of the two /wink)

I feel actually very settled lately, despite some odd tumultuous things happening around me.

And that means, my mind is buzzing, because I want to write.

I have been blessed in the past with four muses. Two of them were my exes, but two of them were men I had no physical relationship with. The first of them inspired 75% of my book of poetry. The other - a grouping of six stories written nearly two years ago now - six of my best.

None of them are available to me anymore, and so the time has come to open myself up to the possibility of a new muse.

I'm not sure why I write better when I am inspired by every day conversation, but I do. The smallest hint of an attitude; the shortest phrase; the quietest hint of laughter - these things can inspire pages and pages of writing to come pouring out of me.

So what does a muse do?

Nothing, really. I mean, in it's most basic terms, a muse inspires. I couldn't choose someone for a muse that didn't inspire me in one way or another. And believe it or not, having your dominant for your muse is not clever; you write for him, then - and not for yourself - and that's counterproductive to having a muse. (Tried that, twice. While I did some good writing during those periods, none of it was for me - it was all for them)

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

So, anyway.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm moving.

I need to get closer to work before the snow starts flying. No way am I doing that drive in the blizzards again this year.

I looked a duplex yesterday that I really liked. I filled out the app, am just waiting to hear now. It's not perfect, but it's spacious and it will feel more like a home than the little 2 bedroom apartment I have now. There's tons of room to move around in, and I think it'll be a good deal. No sliding doors for the kitties, but a ton of windows and good light.

I'm ready to move. I need a fresh start. The 2 years I lived in my apartment were separation years. With the divorce nearly done, I need to start clean. Make a place *mine*

It's time to get back to myself. Or, find myself. Or invent myself. I haven't quite decided yet

Terms of Endearment

Have you ever noticed....that changing or removing one letter from a term of endearment that you would use for a lover changes that same term into something you'd use for a friend?

Darling becomes darlin

Baby becomes babe

If you take ey of honey and use hon - it becomes a universal term.

I use darlin a lot in reference to close friends. I would never call the same people darling, it just wouldn't be right.

When you first get into a relationship, babe seems appropriate where baby does not. When you've been with someone awhile, baby seems to capture intimacy you've developed.

And maybe that's what this is. Intimacy.

It's all right to call someone darlin - it's flip and it's casual. Darling, however, speaks of a loving relationship with someone. Same with baby.

See, when you have a 45-60 minute commute each way to work, you have way too much time to ponder the English language and our usage thereof.

Ah, well. That's all over soon - I think I found a duplex in town where I work!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Better

I'm a bit better today.

I think yesterday's anger was my mind's way of letting me rest. The week before this was turmoil personified. Sunday was the cumulation of that. And my pysche needed a break.

Eternal optimism isn't healthy in the long run, especially when it means getting your heart run over by a truck twenty times a year.

I think I'll be in cautious mode for awhile.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Angry

I'm angry.



I feel like I'm being forced to go cut my own switch off the tree to get beat with.



I feel like I'm being punished for something I had nothing to do with.



And I am.



5 years ago on October 12th, I married the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.



2 years ago, this man decided that being married no longer suited him; that he wanted to be responsible for himself and only himself.



6 months ago, I told this man I was ready - file the damn papers, let's be done.



A week ago, I drove to Virignia to go to the attorney with him.



Yesterday, when I spoke to him, he told me he didn't have time to file the papers himself.



Yea. That's being responsible for yourself, you jackass.



Let's punish Jill, who doesn't want this - who never wanted this - who believes in commitment and believes in finding ways to work things out. Let's make sure that Jill feels as absolutely terrible about this whole thing as she possible can so there's no chance in heaven or hell she will ever look at you the same. Let's make Jill do all the work and suffer through all the consequnces alone while you're off having your 'freedom' and your 'self-responsibility'.



Let's be sure we sink that fucking knife in just as deeply as we can so that the scar is permanent.



Did I mention I was angry?

*sighs* I dunno why I don't learn .....

.... that just because you believe in something doesn't make it true.



Let it never be said that I caved on my commitments.

Let it never be said that I didn't give 100% of who and what I am.

Let it never be said that I didn't love to the best of my ability.

Let it never be said that your heart can break a million times before you finally start repair.

Let it never be said that tears don't cleanse.

And let it never be said that - well - that you're never too old to fall for the same shit, year after year.

Papers are being filed this week, by my own hand. I want my life back.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

10 Things

I wrote this for another purpose, but thought I'd post it here as well.

10 things you should know about me


1. I'm not a relgious person. I was raised Roman Catholic and remained so until I was about 26 years old (more on that in #3). I don't miss it, never did. I'm a very spiritual person, and I do believe in God, but that's not all I believe in. I'm not a fan of organized religion at all. I don't have anything against people who are, but I'm just not one of them.


2. I'm 41 years old (you knew that lol). That means a lot of things but mostly it means that I'm past an age where I really want to have any kids. I still can. I just don't think it's something I'm going to be unfulfilled if I don't do. I have 3 grown stepdaughters (not legally but that is what our relationship is - I raised them) from a previous relationship. I have a niece and a nephew that I adore. So if I don't have any, I'm more than fine with that. I haven't made it so I can't, I just don't think I will.


3. Growing up, and until I moved to California, I was a liberal. That is no longer the case for the most part lol. California will beat the liberal right out of you if you live there long enough. I do hold a few liberal views still - the main being that I am rabidly pro-choice. I have a long story that relates to that, and my not being Catholic anymore. I'll share it sometime.


4. I'm not one of these women who roll out of bed and head for the hair dryer and makeup. Makeup for me is special occasion stuff, not an every day thing (cept for a bit of lipstick sometimes). I don't take 20 minutes on my hair, I don't spend hours shopping for clothes (ew). I dress to impress myself, or whoever I'm seeing and that's pretty much it. At home I sleep with my hair in a ponytail so it doesn't get all tangled up. On the other hand, I'm a big fan of clothes and lingerie that show off any assets I may have (*wink*) but I'm not what anyone would consider a "girly girl" and I don't think I own anything pink :p None of that, is of course, to say I'm not vain about a few things, mainly my hair lol. It's taken a long time to grow it out this far, and I'm very vain about it.


5. I'm a very affectionate person. My dad's side of the family was very much like that, and I've carried it into adulthood. I do realize that there is a time and place (I was also raised with pretty good manners lol) but it's part of who I am. I'm also a very sexual person, which is expressed in many ways other than sex *chuckle*


6. My writing is very important to me. It's my craft, and I've worked very hard to get it to the point it's at now. Having said that, I do tend to be lazy about it sometimes (say, for the last year) and don't do near as much of it as I should. But once I am inspired, and have the energy to do it - that's all I want to do. On the other hand, I read like a fiend. Typically, I have a book at the keyboard with me for when it gets boring. Quite often, I find the written word carries more weight with me than the spoken.


7. I don't have much of a temper. It takes me a long time to get super angry, and it typically burns off quickly. This is not to say it doesn't happen; it does. Just not often and not for very long. I try very hard not to carry grudges, or base decisions on past judgements. I'm very philosophical about stuff like that.


8. I don't collect much of anything, except dragonflies. My bedroom is done up in Arthurian Legend art and assorted things that remind me of that period, including a celtic tapestry and a huge bed *chuckle*. I make candles (and soap, and incense) at home, so there are tons of those all over my house. My living room is mostly in blues, though it wasn't planned, just kinda happened that way. Most everything else in the house is red, which is my favorite color. I have some family furniture, but most of my stuff is heavy, substansial furniture. I prefer it, just for the look.


9. I'm not a barhopper. I did a lot of that when I was younger and I don't have much use for it now. When I go out, it's usually just with friends. I prefer quiet - with an occasional concert thrown in for good measure. I do like going to the movies, and out to dinner (sorta, less now with the band, its typically wasteful to buy a whole dinner for me). I also like to stay home and watch movies on the couch, where I can be comfortable and not have to listen to some idiots cell phone /wink. Typically I'll watch anything - except football (I don't get it) and I'm not much of a science fiction fan, although I have acquired a taste for some of it.


10. I'm a romantic. Little gestures mean a lot to me, and I try to return the favor as often as possible. I'm not big on jewelry (I wear rings - all silver - all my jewelry is - I wear earrings occasionaly - I do not now, nor have I ever - owned a diamond and don't really care to). I don't care much for roses anymore either (in my experience, they have always been an apology) but lillies are my favorite, and I try to have them in house once a month or so. I take great care to let people I care about - know that I care about them. I don't expect to always have a gesture returned - for heaven's sakes - lol but it's nice to know they are appreciated.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

From a Dream

I tried not to wake you when I crawled into bed, but you looked so peaceful lying there asleep that I wanted to lay my head on your chest to know you were real.... my cheek touched your skin and your arms wrapped around me tightly, rolling me onto my side and as you curled yourself up behind me, you mumbled something that sounded like "what's the matter, babe?" - and my response, a whisper as I settled into your embrace feeling warm and safe - "not a damn thing."

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

So much better

I made a commitment to myself many months ago.

It was about how I was going to handle my personal relationships - or rather - how I was not going to handle them.

In my 41 years on this planet, I have never been courted. I have fallen into easy relationships, or I have gone after ones that I have wanted in the past, but I'm not doing that anymore.

Nope, that's right. If you want me, the move is yours and you'd better make it, because I won't.

I struggle with that, make no mistake. Old habits die hard, and they are always lurking in the back of my mind, waiting to spring out at absolutely the wrong time.

I do my best to beat them down /wink.

I've been alone now for about 2 years. That's a pretty long stretch for me. Typically, I'd be out pounding the "pavement" so to speak, looking for someone to at least keep my bed warm.

But being picky has it's advantages, I'm thinking. And, to be honest, I'm not feeling any major "hurry up" urge to seek out "the next one." either. Of course it'd be nice to have someone, and my bed does get a might cold - but I've got some major new-found confidence in the last several months, and right now, that's keeping me plenty toasty /wink.

I went to Philadelphia this past weekend, to spend time with a group of people (mostly my "guild") from Everquest. Some that I've known for years, some I've not known as long. I had an absolutely amazing time, and I have to say that I looked better - and especially - I felt better than I have in Years. 2 years ago, I would not have made that trip. But so much has changed for me in that time, that I absolutely needed to go. And I'm so fucking happy that I did.

I am currently 35.2 pounds from my weightloss goal. Who'd have thought? It hasn't even quite been a year yet :) I'd love to be 30 pounds from goal when my "band-iversary" rolls around in 3 weeks, but we'll see. I'm damn happy being where I am.

It's all good. All of it.

Take advantage of whatever makes you smile today. The more you smile, the better you feel.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Conflicts

Listening to: Nickleback

All's well here. Trying to slow things down enough so that I can update a bit more often as well as take better care of some things that need taken care of.

I'm a conflict.

I'm a very logical person. That's what makes me good at my job. I like black and white, yes and no, stay and go. I like absolutes. I like rules. I dislike living in the grey and assumptions.

I'm also a very creative person, and somewhat ethereal, as you know from reading here.

These two things do not go together very well. Now that my work on Me has started winding down, those two parts of me have started to do battle for control. /sigh

It'll run it's course
I wonder who'll win :)

Sunday, August 06, 2006

catch up!

It’s a lazy rainy Sunday morning. Let’s play catch up.

What’s going on with me: Well, work and lots of it. Writing when I can; I finished a brief outline on the book I’ve been working on for 2 years, hoping it will motivate me to start piecing together the bits and pieces I’ve written and filling in the missing stuff. I had a fill in the band, and met one goal, started working on another. Started a long arduous process of some much-needed dental work on my lower teeth. Been playing EQ and WoW sporadically.

I’m on the fourth book of the Song of Ice and Fire Trilogy by George RR Martin. I’m enthralled by series, and will be sad when I reach the end of this book.

I’m taking a long weekend at the end of this month to go visit friends in Philly.

My ex still hasn’t filed divorce papers. I’m beginning to wonder if he really wanted one as badly as he seemed to think /shrug. Time will tell I guess.

Do I have a love life? No. Do I want a love life? Not really, not right now. A sex life might be nice though ?

Okay, you’re caught up.

Maybe now I can get busy with some more fun stuff to write about ?

Saturday, July 29, 2006

What takes time

Okay, so I know I haven't updated this in weeks, and my deepest apologies for that. Work got me busy and stressed, and I've been distracting myself in (unfortunately) mostly non-sexual ways to disarm that.

I have, however, spent a great deal of time working on a story. A simple little story, that didn't start out to be any big deal, but, in the end, is 24 pages long and quite a lengthy exploration of mental dominance and submission. It was much harder to write than I imagined it would be, but in the end, I'm glad that I wrote it. It started as a conversation with a friend - and grew into a fantasy of mammoth proportions. I'll quote the first part below.

Hopefully, though, I'll get back to updating here more.


Working Title: The Suit

Copyright 2006, KA

All Rights Reserved





She knew the type.

Dressed as he was, he had to be a businessman. Maybe visiting from out of town, as she'd never seen him here before. The only word she could come up with to describer him, was sharp. He looked the type to want to tie a beautiful thin woman up in robes while she was wearing sexy lingerie and take pictures of her. Then maybe bend her over a table and fuck her quietly. He was neat-looking, clean and there was an aura of elegance around him that she couldn't ignore. Defintely not her type.

She looked down at her black jeans and red blouse. There was a scuff on her right boot from driving. Her long wavy blonde hair was lose and a little messy. She chided herself for judging him by his appearance, wondering how people would judge her by her dress.

She sat down at a table with some long-time munch acquaintances. Laughed a bit, chatted about work and people. But out of the corner of her eye, she kept seeing him, leaning against the bar and scanning the room as if he were waiting for someone. She met his eyes once, and smiled in a friendly manner, then when back to her conversation.



10 pm came, and with the man at the bar forgotten, she stood and said goodbye to her friends and walked out the small corner pub toward her car.

"Hello." A deep voice said, startling her

She whirled around to find the Suit, as she had unknowingly started calling him in her mind, standing behind her. "Oh. Hello. Something I can help you with?" She asked.

"Perhaps. Why don't you come to my hotel tomorrow night for a drink, and we'll find out." He held out what looked like 2 business cards.

She swallowed hard. It had been weeks since she'd had a play date, and although she was craving one, she was positive this man was not her type. She reached up and took the cards anyway, deciding that she could always call the hotel and cancel.

"Say thank you."

"Hm?" She asked, staring down at the cards in her hand.

"Say thank you." he repeated, his voice a little deeper.

"Oh." She looked up again at him, smiling apologetically. "I'm sorry. Of course. Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow night." Before she could change her mind, she turned on her heel and walked quickly away.



Not my type, not my type, not my type, she repeated to herself as she managed to tame her wild mass of humidity induced curls into a pair of silver barrettes. This is a waste of a good Friday night, she thought and then laughed to herself. "And what?" she said aloud. "You had something better to do than go have a drink with a nice gentleman in a fancy hotel bar?"

She had dressed for him. Over the top of her expensive white lace bra and panties, she'd put on a cream colored blouse and a chocolate brown skirt that came past her knees. Thigh high hose and a pair of brown suede pumps would complete the outfit. Not too sexy, not too formal, but a lady-like outfit all the same. In his response to her email this morning (she'd taken the address off his card and asked him what time he'd like her to meet him), he'd told her to dress in an outfit befitting the meeting place. She'd only been in the hotel bar once, but she knew it wasn't a place for jeans and tshirts.

Her make-up complete, she walked back into the bedroom and stood before the full length mirror. Turning, she made sure that she looked presentable. "Why do I care so much?" she asked aloud. "I don't even know this guy, and he's not my type, and he's not going to give me anything that I want." Huffing at her reflection, she turned away from the mirror and picked up her shoes. "Maybe I just need something else to care about."





After turning her car over the valet, she strode confidently into the dimly lit lobby of the huge hotel. On the drive over, she'd convinced herself that a drink with a nice man and some intelligent conversation would be a good change for her from the guys that she typically dated, and that she intended to enjoy it for what it was. A drink and nothing more.

Stepping into the dark bar, she headed for a high stool near the bartender, and ordered herself a glass of white wine. The bartender smiled politely as he set the glass down in front of her, and wandered off, leaving her staring at her own reflection in the mirror behind. She purposefully turned herself away from the entrance, and busied her hands with the wine glass.

"Hello."

Taking a deep breath, she turned her stood around, a ready smile on her face. "Hello."

He cocked his head toward a dark corner of the bar, where a few high back booths were situated, and then offered his hand to help her down off the stool. "Sit there. I'll be with you momentarily." He picked her glass up off the bar and handed it to her, and then turned away.

Undaunted, she turned from him and walked over to the corner, and chose a booth. Pulling her skirt under her, she slid in and sipped her wine. Before she had set the glass back down, he appeared beside her, and slid into the other side.

"You chose well."

"Hm?"

"The outfit. It suits your hair and skin tone well." He had dressed nearly identically to how he was the night before. Black suit, white shirt, deep burgundy tie. "But the earrings are too big. Take them off."

Her eyes widened a bit at him, but without thinking, she reached up and slipped her beloved silver hoops out of her ears. She turned, to open her purse, but he reached out his hand for them. Reluctantly, she gave them to him.

"You can have them back later." He put them into the breast pocket of his suit, and patted it. "You won't need them for awhile."

Still unsmiling, she looked at him. His blue eyes had a bit of gold flecked into them, and they were smiling at her, as were his full lips.

"Nervous?" he asked.

"I wasn't."

"But you are now."

"Those are my favorite earrings."

"You don't trust me to hold them?"

"You have them, don't you?"

He laughed softly. "You have quite a mouth on you."

"Yes, I suppose I do."

"I don't like the word suppose. You either do, or you don't."

"Then, yes, I do." she raised an eyebrow at him.

"I don't like meek creatures."

"There's a lot you don't like." she said cheekily.

"There's a lot that I do like."

She leaned back in the booth, her arms crossed in front of her. She tilted her head and looked at him again. Last night, the only word she could come up with to describe him was sharp. It still seemed to be the perfect word.

"Like what?"

"Intelligence and wit, both of which you seem to have."

She nodded slightly, allowing herself to be a little arrogant. "And?"

He laughed softly at her again. "Aren't I supposed to be asking you these questions?"

"I don't know. Are you?"

"Enough with the cockiness." he said simply. "Do you know how much it does not suit you?"

She didn't answer.

"Confidence is one thing. I don't like insolence."

"More that you don't like." She mumbled softly.

"Better than you know what I don't like up front. Saves nasty surprises for you later on."

She looked him in the eye again. "Speaking of arrogance, you've already assumed that..."

"I don't think there's a question of that, is there?" he asked, picking up his drink and taking a healthy sip of it. "We both know you're coming upstairs with me."

"We do?"

"We do."

She looked down at the table again.

"I don't see any reason to beat around the bush. You're attracted to me. I'm attracted to you. You obviously saw something in me that lured you, as you don't appear to be the type of woman who's desperate for male attention. You want something from me, as I want something from you. Question is, are you willing to give it to get what you want."

She pictured herself tied up prettily in white rope, against her white lingerie, against her white skin. She liked bondage - loved it, actually - but there was more to it for her that that.

"You've already made assumptions about me, I can tell." he said quietly.

She nodded. "As you've likely made about me."

"Quite." He sipped his drink again, and pushed her wineglass closer to her, indicating she should take a drink. "So, tell me what it is that you're seeking. Pain?"

"Some."

"Humilation?"

"Some." she said quietly, looking around. There were people in the booth directly behind her.

"Bondage?"

She nodded, her eyes imploring him to keep his voice down.

"Sex? Oral? Anal?" he ignored her unspoken plea, and she felt herself go bright red. He smiled at her. "So pretty when you blush, my dear, but answer the question."

"Sex is sometimes a part of it, sure..." she said very quietly. "It doesn't have to be, but it is sometimes."

"It will be." He said firmly. "Explain your limits to me."

She groaned softly. "Couldn't we discuss this..."

"Here. Now."

Her cheeks burned. "Typical limits, I guess." she replied quietly. "Nothing that would land someone in jail or the hospital...."

"So, that's all then."

"Well..."

"I thought not." He tapped his fingers on the table. "Tell me."

"That's all my hard limits, but..." she hesitated. "There are things I don't do with people the first time I play with them..."

"Such as."

"Gags, for one." She swallowed hard. "Heavy pain..."

"And?"

She looked at him, frowning. "Couldn't we please talk about this..."

"Here. Now. Don't make me say it again."

She sighed heavily, and picked up her wineglass, draining it. "Anal sex on a first playdate is unacceptable. Other than those few things, I typically allow things to progress naturally."

He nodded, pleased. "Safeword?"

"On the first few dates, yes."

"Wineglass."

"Hm?"

"Your safeword is wineglass. And now that yours is empty, I think it's time we moved up to my suite."



"Wait." She said urgently. "You haven't told me anything about..."

He smiled and leaned back in the booth. "About what? Don't you already have your mind made up about me?"

Startled, she did not reply.

"You assume that you know what I like. You have, since your eyes first passed over me in the bar last night. I could see it on your face. Why don't you tell me what you believe my wants to be?"

"That's not fair."

"Oh? Why is that? You've pre-judged me. Why is it not fair that I know what you think?"

"But..."

"You don't like to be wrong."

She looked at him.

"You're a smart girl. The last thing you want is to have your instincts and your intelligence called into question."

"Maybe."

"Maybe is another word I do not like." he said simply.

She sighed again and crossed her legs under the table, an uncomfortable warmth spreading from her cheeks, down to her chest and beyond.

"You like to dance on the edge. I can see that silver glint in your eyes, I know it when I see it. You think I'm far too well-dressed and stiff to be able to take you there." He paused. "And you may well be right."

She remained silent, looking at the empty wineglass before her, willing it to be refilled.

"But you won't know for sure until you give me a spin, will you?"

"No."

"Then let's spin."

As soon as the elevator door closed behind them, he ran his hand up her back, and placed his paln against the back of her neck. She watched nervously as he pressed the button for the 22nd floor. He tightened his hand around the back of her neck just a bit, and remained silent. They rode up that way.

When the door opened, he nudged her with his hand, and she walked out in front of him. His hand stayed on her neck, guiding her down the long, lushly carpeted hallway, to a door at the opposite end. Without letting go of her, he slipped a keycard out of his jacket pocket and unlocked the door, leading her inside.

The room was light lowly with a few lamps in the background and appeared to her to be the living room of a large suite. She heard the door shut behind her and jumped a bit. There was a plain wooden chair in the center of the large expanse of space, and he led her to it.

"Sit." Taking his hand from the back of her neck, he turned and walked toward what she assumed was the kitchen area.

She sat down in the chair, it's hard back and seat supporting her firmly. She crossed her legs, and lay her purse on the lap. And waited.

He walked back into the room, carrying two glasses of what looked like ice water. She had expected him to have at least loosened his tie, or taken off his jacket while he was gone, but he had done neither, and for some reason, that disarmed her.

He set the glasses down on an end table, on two available coasters, and turned to look at her. "Uncross your legs." he walked toward her, and took her purse from her lap, laying it on the end table by the water glasses. "Cross your ankles to the side if you must, but do not cross your legs in front of me."

She did as he asked, reluctantly. For some reason, the move made her feel innately vulnerable, and she wasn't ready for that. Yet.

"You should have worn your hair up. I prefer it."

Blushing again, she stayed quiet and watched as he pulled a chair identical to her own across the room, and set it in front of her, leaving a space of about three feet between them. She almost felt as if she wanted to apologize, and the idea of it snapped her back to reality.

----

Nope, that's all you get! :)

Friday, June 09, 2006

And it's cloudy but good

Good walking weather today for lunchtime. Which is a good thing. I've been walking 2 miles in 30 minutes 3 days a week for a couple weeks now, since I can't seem to get on the cycle at home anymore. It's a nice break in my day, and good execise...

...and it must be doing something for me, cause... This morning, I put on a pair of washed-in-hot-water size 16 jeans~

*dance*

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Balance

As I continue to struggle (and not in a hot sexy way, either) to find a balance, I tried to sort of shut off the sexual part of myself long enough to sort things out.

Apparently, self has decided that's enough of *that*.

My mind is ticking a mile a minute again, about all sorts of things related to "giving it up" *chuckle*. I have a small list to write about, hopefully will be re-embarking on my ramble-journey soon~

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Remember this?

Heavy door (I knew it would be)
Opening into a quiet, dark entryway (I knew it would be, too)
I can’t even hear a clock ticking it’s so quiet.
He said wait.
So here, I’ll wait.

It only takes him two steps (he was close, and I didn’t know it)
To get to me, one hand (warm hand, long fingers)
To wrap around my face, and cover my mouth
The other entwining itself in long blonde hair
Pulling and pushing my head backwards at the same time, he says.

“Hello, whore.”

===
Here's a little more....
"You're late." he growled, as he pushed her up against the cold plaster wall. Pressing his right leg between hers, he kicked her feet apart and pushed his hip into the small of her back to hold her there.
She tried to speak, to tell him that she wasn't late, that he wasn't even supposed to be here yet, but his fingers pressed down harder against her lips, and all that eeked out was a moan.
He pulled roughly on her hair, and then let go, reaching down to grasp her wrists tightly into his fist. "Not what you had in mind, is it?" he sneered, pulling her hands behind her back. "You didn't really think I asked you here just to meet you, did you?" he laughed evilly, and then leaned down and whispered gruffly in her ear. "You're going to get exactly what you came for though, I assure you."
She heard a cold metal clink and then felt the steel of the cuff around her right wrist. She started to protest, but as soon as the first sound tried to slither out between his fingers, he pulled her wrists up sharply. "No one said you had a choice in this matter, did they? No? That's right, you don't." Before he had finished speaking, the other cuff was secured on her left wrist, and she was bound.
Her mind started to race, her body shivering in response to the cold metal cuffs and the chill of the wall. She hadn't dressed for cold, her short black skirt felt obscene now, when only an hour ago, it had felt as normal as jeans. The thin white blouse, tucked into the skirt, with three buttons left undone felt less proper now, and more like an invitation for something much darker than a meeting with a new friend and a glass of wine.
With one hand free now, he let her wrists drop down behind her, and with his hand still covering her mouth, stepped back to look at her. With her right cheek pressed up against the wall, long blonde hair dripping down her back, she looked more than a little scared, and he was pleased with that. Fear is a great motivator, he thought to himself as he reached around her, laying his forearm against the front of her hips and pulling her ass backwards, forcing her feet to follow, and positioning her perfectly.
"I'm going to let go of your mouth, whore, but it's not an invitation to talk. Clear?" He watched, pleased, as she shook her head slightly, and he removed his hand from her lips. "You talk when I say you talk. Move when I say you move. And do what I tell you to do." he laughed deeply. "You screwed yourself this time, slut. No safecall. No one knows you're even here. Trusting little thing. " he tsked. "Maybe you won't be so much after tonight."
Dropping his hand to the hem of her short skirt, he flipped it up over her ass, and immediately raked his fingernails roughly down her right cheek. "Since when does a whore get benefit of underwear?" he asked, not expecting an answer. "Not that it covers much. It certainly isn't enough to soak up the smell of how fucking wet you are already. Regardless, no matter how sexy you thought it was, it's in the way, and it's got to go." She felt the cold steel of a pocket knife blade against the skin of her ass, and then felt him pull the lacey red thong up her crack. She moaned and pressed her cheek up against the wall harder, as he slit the back of the panties and pulled them roughly away from her.
She drew in a sharp breath when she heard the knife hit the floor. Every noise, every small sound had her knees shaking. She was completely at his mercy now; no amount of regretting her decision would pull her out of that, not even the knowledge that she knew what he said about her smell was accurate; she was wet. Her mind had nowhere to go with that fact.
"What I'd like to do is shove you down onto your knees and fuck those bright red lips, but I think there are a few other things that need tending to first." He said, his voice now calm and almost relaxed. "Don't you fucking move an inch though." he slapped her ass sharply. "Not one inch."
Her eyes shut tightly, she heard his footsteps on the wood floor as he walked away from her. She held her breath, and waited.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Snippets

It's been raining for the better part of 9 days now.

We had one sunny day in 9 days, and my allergies were so bad, I could barely see. But right now, I'd take that over this pissing rain.

It doesn't depress me. I lived in Portland, Oregon for nearly two years. You sorta get used to it *chuckle*. But it does make me unmotivated and unenergized, which I dislike.

I'd love to see some sunshine. Send me some?

-----

A friend of mine from Alt has been struggling with his morality lately. It's sad to watch, but it's a learning experience for him, and while he detests hurting people (and himself I'm sure), I think that his recent choices will be for the best in the long run, whether he ends up with his former girlfriend or not. If everything were easy, we'd all be rich and well-fucked, eh?

----

Speaking of well-fucked.....

........... I'm not. And it's starting to make me a little silly~ You have been warned.

----

Tuesday! The Jan Brady of Weekdays!
*snicker*

----

Speaking of speaking of well-fucked, it's my own fault I'm not. I think I've gotten 25 emails this past week on the vanilla aff site, only one of which actually fit what my profile is looking for, and he wasn't really all that appealing for some reason. The Alt side is even less effective lately. /shrug And I cant' say I'm putting much effort in either. Between work and my downtime - family and my home - my free time is not all that abundant. Some people understand that. And some people send nasty emails when they don't get a response in a timely manner. Well, sorry. Typically, my pussy is not the first thing on my list to get satisfied lately. (how unfortunate). I have other things that need doing - things for myself, things to do with my health and well-being. It's about choices, apparently. And while it's not my first choice to continue to be celibate *eeep*, it's what there is right now.

----

I've recently discovered that I'm very easy to spoil. Also, that it doesn't take all that much to make me feel good, warm, and happy.

I guess that does make me easy, huh.

/eye

Whatever. It might be easy to turn my head, but to keep it turned, you better be willing to put in the work~

----
My boss did the nicest thing yesterday. I'd taken my car to Midas for new front brakes before he got to work. When the shop called and gave me the estimate, he asked how much it was, and then told me that the company would pay for it; they could deduct it and I couldn't - plus, I was due a bonus.

Man. Did that ever make my entire month.

Feeling appreciated is one of the best feelings there is. (That's a hint to you gents who wonder about such things)

----

I'm feeling a need to write some fiction - soon. I think I'll make Memorial day a 4 day weekend. I haven't had a day off since my Dad's surgery in February - I think I'm due :) Then maybe I can actually get some writing done.

Normal

Someone I've come to really like on the blogs recently made a post that I enjoyed - part of it was explaining that just because she's submissive does not mean she's "broken".

That is the typically view of us, you know - from the vanillas. That we're broken mentally, that we need to be taken charge of and beaten because something inside us is not mentally stable. "Normal people don't want those things."

Well, here's a news flash. The divorce rate is over 50 percent in this country. If we all wanted white bread/2.5 kids/house in the suburbs, I think that rate'd be much lower.

What is normal, anyway? Missionary position on Saturday nights? (Not that I'm knocking the missionary position mind you, I'm personally quite fond of it.). No porn, no mastubation, no kink, no anal or oral sex. Is that what people think is normal?

I meet someone now who hasn't had anal or oral sex and I think they're odd :/

Those of us who like to add a bit of spice (ok, maybe more than that. Maybe a couple harbenos) to our lives and fulfill the things that we seek from our soul seem to be more the norm in this country now, rather than the "once a week, don't mess up my hair" crowd.

We are not broken (** Some of us are. I have to add that. There are mentally unstable people in every walk of life, and you will find them here, too**). We are open to the possibility that perhaps the universe gave orgasms such a great feeling because they're supposed to be fun.

Thank you, Universe.

Get it~

My horoscope said yesterday, in part: "Okay, there's nothing quite as frustrating as someone who doesn't get it. Still, attempt to work around other's - ahem - blind spots rather than losing your temper, engaging in feloniuous assault or attempting to change anyone's mind."

Well, there's some reality if I ever saw it.

I wish more people got *me*.

I don't dwell anymore on the fact that I'm not your typical vanilla midwest girl. I used to. But I don't anymore, because what's the point? I am who I am, I want what I want, I feel what I feel - and you can either accept it, or run screaming.

But scream softly because you give me a headache.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Mental Pictures

I try really hard not to think too much about why I want what I want anymore. In the past, when I've given it too much thought, it's like I'm trying to talk myself out of it, and that leads to frustration.

But occasionally, something will pop into my head that I have to ponder.

I made mention the other day of finding a few new kink folks in EQ (which always makes my day), and one lovely lady sent me a few pictures of herself in hook suspension. They're gorgeous pictures, but I found myself looking at them and wondering..... What would make someone want to do that?

Then I started to think about all the things on my own play list, and tried to track them down to where the desire for them comes from.

The first one I was able to find an answer to was The Belt. It's not getting hit with a belt that I find erotic, it's watching a man pull it through the loops of his pants, knowing his intent with it, his eyes never leaving yours, his face grim, his stance firm. /fans self. I know where that comes from. I think I've told the story here before about how when M first came to Wyoming to visit me, we had spent some time with C as well. One evening while the three of us were together, I got lippy with C, and when M didn't do what C thought he should do (get me under control - HA), C stood up and took his belt off, as if he were going to come at me with it (with M sitting right there - M, being my dom at the time, C being my former dom at the time). C told me, after M went back to California, that he wasn't right for me. Turns out he was right, but that's neither here nor there. What makes The Belt desireable to me now is that I can still see C standing up out of the chair to pull his off, with M right there. I've carried that image for 10 years. I probably always will.

There are other things on the list that I'm sure if I thought long and hard about, I could come up with a mental picture similarly to relate them to my life. But nowhere in there can I find a reason to be suspended by hooks *grin* I'll leave that for the ones who enjoy it.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Bleh

So, I brought my tennis shoes to work with week with the intention of walking at lunch.

Monday, it was rainy. Tuesday it was rainy. Today, my allergies are in high gear. Ugh.

I will do it though. I got my claritin. The weather for the rest of the week looks good. I need to do it, as I have no motivation to exercise at night anymore. That, and I hate TV and my dvd player is busted and I've yet to go get a new one.

*chuckle*

In other news... well, there isn't any.

I did find a few new kinky folks in EQ *grin*. That's always fun. Did buy a few new shirts today, cute ones, in a smaller size again. The scale is moving again. I'm nearly ready for summer.

My eyes are glassy today from the allergies, so this is all I'll be writing. It's all I can do right now to focus on the screen to work.

Sunshine! :)

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Affection

I miss having someone to be affectionate with.

By nature, I'm a very affectionate person. Not slobbery in public or overly-attentive or anything. I'm just very affectionate with people I like, and I'm not afraid to show it.

I miss that more than sex sometimes. I miss it more than spankings or play. While my cats currently reap the benefits of me having no one else to be affectionate with (beyond friends and family), even they get a little sick of me sometimes /wink.

After M and I split in CA, I spent 13 months alone for the most part. But I had great friends - some of whom I cuddled with, some of whom I slept with *grin*, and there was always a place for me to go when I felt down and needed it. I dunno why I picked Wisconsin, knowing that I knew no one here, and that it would be hard. Maybe I did it on purpose. For the most part, it served it's purpose. It gave me that time alone to sort out the why's and wherefore's in my life, and allowed me to settle back into myself and disengage from all the destructive or counterproductive things I had allowed into my life.

But now that I've completed most of that work (not all, we are never done...), I find myself wanting to reach out and be surrounded by people again.

Course, then there are other times that I'm a total recluse and prefer the company of my coffee and my peace and quiet. /shrug

Change

Someone asked the question on a message board I visit: "If you could switch to the other gender for 24 hours, what would you do during that time?"

My answer: "Nothing. I don't want to switch."

With all of the heartbreak I've had in my life, with all of the problems -- I'm happy being a woman. I've never had penis envy; never wanted to be a man for "just one day". I fit right where I am, I like it here, I'm happy here.

Am I completely happy in my own skin? No, I don't think anyone ever truly is. But I'm much happier than I was a year, five years, ten years ago. And of course I'd like perky tits and a tan - maybe some better highlights in my hair - but basically, I'm happy with what I have. It's served me well and gotten me this far. Why in the world would I want a cock of my own when I much prefer them attached to men?

There's nothing wrong with liking the idea of switching it out for one day, but don't expect me to get in that line. I'm of the mind that - with me personally - a cock belongs on the inside, not on the outside /grin

Interogation

Something about an interogation scene intrigues the hell out of me. Maybe because I'm always been pretty much safe in my own little world (well, physically safe for the most part), and the thought of this ever really happening to me for real is remote at best. But the idea of being tired in a chair and tortured for information just ...mm. Yea, I'd like to try that.

See, it's a challenge. I rarely back down from a challenge. More than anything, I'd like to see how long I could go without cracking. How much I could withstand before giving in. As I've said before, frankly, my limits haven't really ever been pushed hard, and my mind cries out to be pushed to that wall.

As I wrote that last paragraph it occured to me: There is more than one way to torture someone.

Physical pain is the obvious here, but there are others. In a setting with someone you were sexual with, you could be sexually tortured; brought to the edge of orgasm repeatedly until you simply couldn't take it anymore. In a setting with someone you were mentally and emotionally safe with, you could be teased and/or guilted into speaking your truth. Those two came to mind, though I'm sure there are others. It all depends on which edge you like to play on.

Or a combination of the three. Hmmm....yup, still intriguied. Moreso now maybe :)

Attraction

What is it that attracts, or doesn't attract us to some people?

And why is that so utterly important?

For example, of the few dominants I'm chatting with, I only find one of them attractive. The others I am not physically attracted or (not repelled either, just - ok), but I'm enjoying talking with them, and might even play with them - but it would never go further than that.

It irritates me for some reason that I feel that way. I mean, ok, it shouldn't. This is the way human nature works. If you are not physically compelled by someone, you aren't - even if you like their mind, heart and soul. This can be, of course, overcome (by the later 3 things) but is it ever truly 100% overcome?

I should stop trying to figure out nature. It never ends up well.

I remember way back in the days of Le Chateau Dungeon on AOL (!), and how people explained away the need for attraction by saying that you get to know someone online - mind and soul - and the body didn't matter. Boy were those people surprirsed when, after "getting to know" someone for six months lead to a real time meeting that ended in disaster because one person wasn't remotely attracted to the other.

Fact is, it does matter.

Now, granted, you can find something attractive in almost anyone you meet, and sometimes, this is enough. However, we all have preferences. Some state them up front, some don't. I try to, but I don't always hit the mark either.

How important are they, really? Will they make or break it for you?

To be completely honest here, if someone doesn't meet at least one of my physical preferences, I'm likely to not continue contact with them. Does that make me a snob? Okay, if it does, fine. But having lived in this world for 41, I know enough about myself to know that there has to be something - some physical spark - between people, or it doesn't go very far.

Call it what you want. It's honest.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Push

Every once in a great while, I get a hankerin' to be pushed hard. No, I don't mean put your hand on my back and shove me, I mean push me to the absolute limit of my sanity.

I've talked before many times about being pushed past small limits. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm not talking about baby steps. I'm talking about hard core, to the edge pushing.

As I said - every great once in awhile. (Typically, on a day to day basis, I'm low maintenance. I don't need to *see* your dominance, I just want a taste of it, to know it's still there. And that's easy to feed me~)

Honestly right now, it wouldn't probably take near as much as it has in years past. I'm completely out of practice, so to speak, and it's honestly been well over 2 years since I even had a hand spanking (don't pity me; this was my choice - to wait until my life and mind were in a better place)

I wonder, sometimes (like today) why that craving comes to me out of the blue, and why I still get all antsy and jumpy when I think about it enough.

It would take a long time for me to feel comfortable enough with someone that I was not in a full time relationship with to allow this to come to fruition. I know that about myself. And I know that I'd have to be completely comfortable with that person. So it's not like I'm going to be experiencing this anytime soon. So why then, does it tend to come to be, on a warm but cloudy day here, that I need that?

I have a pretty good idea of why. I've been writing and thinking and writing some more over the last several weeks about BDSM. It's been pounding on my brain like a good deerskin flogger on my back.

I've had horrible luck so far with people from Alt. The few I thought were perhaps going to work out haven't, for one reason or another (scheduling conflicts and busy schedules seem to be the biggest reason lately), and as I continue discussing and communicating with a few of them, I find myself less and less hopeful about finding someone that I really click with. I'll admit it; I got very lucky meeting C when and where I did, even though the d/s part of our relationship never did flourish to where we believed it would go. And even M, though he took me for quite the ride, was a great learning experience for me (as I know I was for him), and I went further than I ever thought I would. I have gotten much better about not taking these little defeats personally. And I haven't even started to give up yet. But perhaps my frustration is based in the fact that I'm ready - more ready than I was a month ago, more ready than I was a year ago, more ready than I was a week ago. And now that I stand ready, I stand alone.

So, today, I'll push the "pushing" out of my head again. And concentrate on being myself, working toward some goals, and finding someone that I can start to get to know in such a way as to get comfortable.

Acceptance, as always is the key, I believe. And I've accepted where I am in my life right now, even if I don't like the part of me that craves so much today.

On Top

I dislike being on top during sex, for a couple reasons.

Firstly, because my legs are too long( I am 5'9, with an inseam of 36"), and if the gentleman isn't at least a good 5-6" taller than I am, my knees end up under his armpits or higher, and it's extremely uncomfortable on my knees. My first husband was 6'4" tall, and it worked all right with him, because his upper body was long.

But I still didn't care much for it, because

Secondly, unless there is a very strong aura of dominance coming from the man, it makes me feel like I'm in control of the situation, and it's a rare occasion that I enjoy that feeling. (not never, just rarely)

I do enjoy teasing, and being in control sometimes, no question. C did not seem to enjoy that at all (though he did like me on top, because in his words, sometimes he felt "lazy"). I fancy myself somewhat of a seductress at times, and teasing a man until he's absolutely at his wit's end is a treat. I cart around a lot of sexual energy, and this is a great way to relieve it. It also brings to mind (and feeling) a courtesan or a highly paid whore, both of which can be a great role to slip into. And lastly, I enjoy it because once you have taken a man to the end of his rope, so to speak, he has no choice but to flip you around and take you on *his* terms, which is extremley fulfilling to me.

Not to mention hot.

*grin*

The Wrong End of the Cane

I've talked about canes before here. About how I used to use them extensively when I topped in California, and how I learned from one of the best how to use them properly, care for them, and make masochistic little girls sing sweetly for them.

I think I've also mentioned that I've never actually had one used on me.

There are probably several reasons for that. I bought my first cane while I was with M. It came from Stormy Leather in San Francisco, and was a beautiful rattan nightmare.No fancy wrapping on the end, no liquid latex or paint - just a sturdy slightly curved piece of danger. I bought it with the intent of it being used on me, but that never happened, as M developed a non-waivering crush on his single tail, and that was pretty much the only thing that got used. So when we split, and I started topping more frequently, I started using that cane, and several others that I had purchased.

C is not into canes. Actually, about the only toys he ever really did use seriously on me were paddles. He did play with the floggers a bit in California, but that was mostly just trying them out. Hence, the four inces of dust on my toybag. (not that I'm complaining, mind you. There really aren't many toys I like better than others - pain is pain to me.)

While learning to use my whippy little canes, I spoke to many of the women that I topped with them, and asked why they liked them. For masochists, this was an easy answer: Intense pain. For the submissives, it was not so easy, but most of them reacted as I imagine I would - "I'll take it for you, if you like to give it."

As I've said repeatedly, I'm not a masochist. I don't get off on pain for pain's sake. Pain for me is a challenge, and a way for me to show submission, but it is not sex itself. That's not to say that I don't enjoy pain *during* sex *grin*.

I would, at some point, like to experience the cane. But not in a play-only situation. I do understand the two-fold pain that accompanies a cane strike (as it has been explained to me), and as it's not something I would consider casual play, it's not something that I would enjoy in that situation. However, if it's someone that I had played with more than once, and had become comfortable and trusting with, yes, I would like to try it - just once. This would be, I think, a true act of submission for me - and allow me to overcome the sense of fear I have at being at the "wrong end" of the cane.

Shhh.

I've never been gagged. Never even had someone put their hand over my mouth. It's something that I'll admit, I'm curious about.

I mean, look at my handle. I have been told that I make the most "delightful" noises, both during play and sex. C was a very aural (of or relating to the ear or to the sense of hearing ) person, the more noise I made, or the more I spoke, the better he enjoyed it. I've been told that I scream, whimper, moan, curse, beg and generally make my "feelings" about whatever's happening to me known. Some of it, I remember, some I don't. I guess it depends on how lost I am in it.

The closest I've ever come to being gagged was an early morning fuck with M, while his daughters were in their rooms getting ready for school. There was nothing over my mouth, but with a few words of warning, and his instruction to be silent, I was as effectively gagged as I could have been. And he had the fingernails scratches on his back to prove it *grin*. (well, that energy had to go somewhere.....). And it was quite a powerful orgasm I had that morning, but I've no idea if it was from the silence, or the newness of it, or the excitement radiating off him as he tried something new. As far as gags go, that was pretty effective (considering we'd been together for about 2 years at that point).

As for real gags? I dunno. Ball gags are out for me, bits probably too because of the trouble I've had with my teeth. A bandana perhaps.. Duct tape? Ouch. I'm rather fond of my full lips, and would prefer not to have them ripped off kkthx :P I actually did buy a couple of bandanas and put them in my toybag, in case this ever came up. *blows 4 inches of dust off the toybag and sneezes*

I have been chatting with a local gent who enjoys bondage, so - who knows - maybe I'll get to find out :)

Truth

My horoscope for Saturday said, in part, "Mercury enters traditional Taurus, bringing issues of home and hearth to the forefront. As you navigate them, remember that pleasing all of the people all of the time is tough, and you never shine when you're bailing on your own needs."

Ain't that the truth.

I spent the weekend cleaning, working and playing a little EQ. One of these days, I'll quit taking work home, I swear it.

In and amongst the work and cleaning (if I could justify it, I'd hire someone to come in once a week and do that, but the apartment isn't that big and it'd make me feel lazy), I contemplated a lot of things. I really wanted to write this weekend, but I couldn't get anything out. That happens sometimes. I don't take it as hard as I used to; it used to just rip me out when I couldn't write. Now, I take it as a sign that I should think a bit more before putting anything out.

So I got into work this morning, and read the above horoscope (I have one of those daily rip-off-a-page calendars with my horoscope on it) and I kinda grinned to myself because that's something I just started being more aware of - how I tend to want to make everyone happy, and leave myself feeling miserable. No more, though. I've said it before; this is my turn, my time. And finding what I want and need are pretty much at the top of my list.

Course, it doesn't help when what I want changes on a daily basis, depending on my mood, the alignment of the planets, whatever. There are some constants, of course. You've read them all here *grin*.

For now, I guess I'm just happy that I wake up in a good mood most of the time, the drama around my life has mostly settled down, and my tax return is in :)

Friday, May 05, 2006

Upside

I woke up early this morning, before the alarm even went off. I guess that's what I get for going to bed before 11pm :)

And I woke up in a great mood. I felt good. The scale hasn't moved in like 2 weeks, but there are definte changes in my clothes and how they fit (for the better) so that's all good. I'm "adjusting" again. And I'm fine with that.

Went to bed with my hair all twisted up in a ponytail/knot and woke up with lucious curls. I'll have to remember that.

Even work hasn't seemed to knock me in the dirt, and I only have 2 hours to go :)

This new attitude I've adopted recently - just tossing out the "trash" without looking back, feeling guilty or worrying about having made a mistake - this is a good thing. I'm happy with it. And you know what, I actually started sleeping again /wink.

The only downer is that it's chilly here today, and I left my windows open. Will have to get the space heater out tonight I'm sure.

Been chatting with a local dominant. Bondage guy *grin*. You know how I love bondage..... Not getting my hopes up, not letting it affect my mood, not worrying about it. Not going to let myself get taken down the rabbit hole again.

I'm not even that fond of rabbits :/

I am however, fond of my readers. Your emails are amazing, uplifting and make me feel very good. Thank you, most graciously.

Hoping I get a chance to write this weekend, as I have a few topics I'd like to cover.

Until then,
Happy Friday

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I'd rather be pissed off than....

...pissed on by someone who has no clue.

And yet, another Alt mistake. I seem to making quite a few of those, hopefully, either I will learn from them, or get frustrated and kill the account all together.

1. Submissive does not mean "whore". I am not your booty call, especially when you live 2 hours away and refuse to come here, or even meet me half way for an initial meeting.

2. And what's up with that "come to me" nonesense? I'm a busy person, too. I have a life.

3. If you begin a conversation by insulting me, consider it over before it starts. You have no idea what I'm thinking, feeling, or doing and you sure as shit don't know me well enough from some chat, and one phone call, to decide who and what I am.

---

Man, I am fed up.

I am altering my profile to say that if you are single and have never been married - and are only into "the sex part" of d/s, don't waste my time.

Thus begins a new chapter for me: Eat a peach, punk. Come see me when your hot head cools, and your logic returns.

/sigh

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

People piss me off.

This is likely not going to have anything to do with BDSM, so if that's what you come here to read, you might well want to skip it.

This rant is about people. One incident in particular. And how I'm tired of being the good person.

Almost all of my life, I have tried vigorously to be the mature one - the adult - the forgiving person. It's how I was raised; and these are values that my grandmother instilled at me from a very young age.

Over the last few years, however, my soul has grown tired. I am tired of sucking up the blame when none is due me. Tired of being the adult and letting other adults get away with murder in my attemp to "keep peace". Tired of letting people walk all the fuck over me just so that I can feel good about being mature.

Problem is? I do NOT feel good about the bootprints on my back.

When this bit of drama arose a couple weeks ago, I did indeed still try to be the mature one, tried to let it go, pass, forgive. But it's not going or passing, and for some reason, I cannot bring myself to forgive this fuckwad who didn't just step on my back; he jumped up and down and danced a jig.

And so, I have not sucked it up. I have not remained quiet and I have not given him the benefit of any doubt. I intially tried to. But when you have the exact same story being repeated to you 20 times in 2 weeks, by 20 people who have no vested interest in the situation, you know better. No matter how much of an adult you want to be, you have to eventually face the reality of the situation and say to yourself "That is some fucked up shit right there. I have been wronged."

So now, all these people in my life who expected me to walk meekly into the night, accepting my fate and taking the lion's share of the blame for this are in shock. I believe they are confused as to my reaction and I truly believe that they're anger at me now is due to the fact that I did not follow my own pattern.

Awwww....here, lemme give you a hug. I'm so sorry you treated me badly and now have to deal with the reality of that. Suck it up dumbass.

I do not feel badly about how I have handled this. What I do feel badly about is that mutual friends are now caught in the crossfire. That, and the fact that this simply will....not....die.

*growls*

I will NOT go quietly into the night anymore.

(bdsm content) unless you gag me and turn out the lights~

Flirt

Growing up, and even into my 20's and early thirties, I was not much of a flirt. I think this wraps itself around the healthy sexual self-esteem I was talking about yesterday.

Apparently, however, that's in the past, as I find myself flirting like crazy these days. Harmlessly. A sly smile, a wink, a slight crook of the head - at work. Direct eye contact, that smile again, a turn of a phrase - outside of work. More brazenly yet online.

And I must say, I'm enjoying the hell out of it. It's a little charge; sometimes sexual, sometimes just a "good feeling" especially when the object of your flirtation responds favorably. It's like being back in high school (if I'd have flirted in high school) without all the typical teenage hormonal baggage.

Who says you can't go back to being a kid again? I didn't like it the first time; maybe I'll enjoy it now.

Ask.

I've talked about inspiration before; where it comes from for me, how easily I can be inspired to sit down and write a short story, a poem, an essay, a blogger *grin*. All it takes it the right word, the right phrase, the right tone of voice.

Does that make me easy? :P

In a conversation the other night, the subject of a woman "asking to cum" came up (no pun intended, this time). This is something that I always did with C when that dynamic was alive and well with our relationship. When it faded, I quit doing it. It didn't feel...right anymore. I also did this every time with M in California. It was part of it for us.

When I first met C back in 96 in Cheyenne, one of his first assignments for me was to learn how to beg. As soon as he said it, my heart sank. Beg? BEG? Haven't I always been taught that I shouldn't have to beg for what I want? My parents, despite their rather puritanical sex views (well, my dad's anyway), raised me to be smart, independent, strong. Listening to C talk about this was like fingernals on a chalkboard, and his first actual writing assignment to me was to write an essay about - begging. A reworked copy of it can be found here (http://www.thescreamergirl.com/beg.htm), though I do have the old one...somewhere at home. The web page contains the 2000 version.

Why, do you suppose, do so many woman have such discomfort with that?

I know for me, the words just sounds odd coming out of my mouth, unless I'm completely lost in the fuck. It isn't that I mind doing it - having to ask to cum makes me incredibly hot, especially when I do not get a favorable response *grin* and have to wait. But I don't want to stop and think about it. I don't want to have to stop and think of what to say or how to phrase it. If I do, it'll sound fake in my head, and I'll lose the moment. And that is a moment I do not want to lose~

It covers all the bases during sex; domination, a slight amount of humiliation, control, occasionally a little bit of sadism *grin*. It opens up yet another level of being beholden to the dominant for saying yes (if he does.). It is one of those beautifully simplistic acts that can take you to a completely new place.

Okay, well, maybe I am easy :P

Social

My horoscope for yesterday said, in part, "Graceful Venus sashays into Aries, suggesting that you are slated for romantic, creative and social options by the boatlod. While much fun and gain can come from this medley, don't spread yourself so thing as to emulate a crepe."

I love horoscopes with a sense of humor :)

Having pretty much cleaned out the first set of dominants I was talking to from Alt (either by their hand or mine), I've stopped ignoring my email there, and am reading profiles of some of the new ones courting me. One in particular, actually local to me (surprise!), has a bonadge *thing*, and we're currently going back and forth in email discussing some possibilities, and checking schedules. It'd be wonderful to play; I'm hoping it comes to fruition, though it seems to me that most of the gents I talk to are really looking for a love match as well, and I'm not. Isnt' that odd. Typically, it's the men who are avoiding that like the plague *grin*.

I've had a couple dates in the last couple months. Nothing to write home about unfortunately, and no one that I've seen again. One was vanilla; strictly vanilla. Not even French vanilla. Not even a speckle of vanilla bean. I cannot, will not go back there.

I am still patient. And it isn't like I don't have other ways to fill the current voids *grin*. And it isn't like I don't have more emails to catch up on *grin grin*.

When my time finally does come again --- it will have been worth the wait~

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

How's Your Sexual Self-Esteem?

Having been overweight for the majority of my life (and getting less so every day!), I have to admit that in my earlier years, my sexual self-esteem was trash. I never asked for what I wanted before the age of 30. I never figured my desires were normal or even attainable, so I just laid back (so to speak) and let whoever I was with at the time drive the sexual steam engine.

The older (and healthier) I get, the less of that is left in me. As a matter of fact right now, I'd say it's down to less than 5% of who I am.

This does not mean I am an aggresive, demanding bitch in the sack *chuckle*, far from it - I am occasionally aggresive (lightly so), extremley verbal (and I like lovers who are as well - talk to me, make a little noise for gods sakes). It just means that I'm not gonna be willing to trash what I want and need for the sake of someone else, just so I can get laid.

I define sexual self-esteem as a) knowing what you want, b) being able to verbalize it, and c) actually verbalizing it.

The first one is easy. Whether we will admit it to ourselves or not most of the time, we all know what sets us off between the sheets (or over the kitchen table, or up against a wall or...or...). The ability to verbalize it, and the desire to do so, however, are not as easy for one person as they are for the next, especially in many women. We were not raised that way - even those of us who were born during the 60's and 70's during the hot sex revolution. I was raised Catholic (recovering now, 17 years), and from a very early age it was drilled into me that sex was bad, that women put up with it, that it was for making babies not pleasure.

Fuck that.

I want what I want. I'm not afraid to admit it to myself or anyone else. I like men that are verbal. I don't much care if you're just moaning, though I prefer to exchange dirty talk *grins*. Of course, the more dominant that is, the better for me. And I like it rough. Hard. Hurt me at the right time and I will be screaming your name right along with god's. Go ahead and torment me if you like - watch how my eyes glow when you do. Don't bother with oral on me unless you enjoy using it to torment me or you honestly enjoy it; I can live without it, and it's never a deal breaker either way with me. Cum on me, not in me if you enjoy the view. Masturbate for me, or make me do it for you. Grab my hair when you shove your cock in my mouth, isn't that what it's there for? Threaten me, growl, curse...whatever makes you feel good. Chances are, I'm going to share your get-off factor on it.

Think your sexual self-esteem is in the dirt? Want to make it better?

Get used to your own body. It's yours. No matter how you're shaped, you're built for pleasure as we all are. Find out through experimentation what gets you off the hardest. Look at dirty pictures. Watch porn. Talk to people. Read. Read. Read. Explore your own fantasies. Find someone to share them with. Masturbate. A lot. And when you find that point where you know what you want, and can put it into words, then do so. And your sexual self-esteem will go up double~, I promise.

I wrote yesterday about "dirty" things, but I never did finish that. (I know, I know, I promised but my boss didn't seem to think it was as important as getting some work done *grin*). My boss seems to be late this morning, so maybe I'll get back to it. But the paragraph above that describes what I like pretty much covers it *grin*.

I will Not Be Broken~

The ex called this morning from Florida - fleet week. It's actually amusing to me that he and I get along now as well as we do. He just called to say hi, and to let me know "around when" he'd be back in Virginia. I felt absolutely no animosity to him whatsoever.

I made reference a few times last week to some drama I'd been dealing with. This involved a man I'd met on EQ a couple years ago, and had been "married" to in game (we were partners, ran around together). There were some unresolved feelings with this guy, as when we first started hanging out, there was some thick sexual tension, but later on when that passed, we both seemed to be aggitated with each other all the time. So when it was finally over a couple weeks ago (and it did not end well; turns out he figured lying to me was easier for him), it set off a small trigger in my brain that said:

"You are finally - completely - free."

And free I am. Feel. I can breathe completely deeply now. I guess I hadn't realized what an albatross that whole thing had become for me. I'd say that the jackass did me a favor, but that'd be giving him credit for being a snake and I refuse to do that~

Anway.

With that load (of horseshit) lifted off me - a stable relationship with the soon to be exhusband - and a deep desire to get back to who it is I was - and still am - I find myself inexplicably drawn in to finding someone to be submissive to. (I also find myself flirting like a crazed woman, but that part is fun so :P).

As I was driving home the other night from work, a new Bonnie Raitt tune came on the radio. Now, I love Bonnie Raitt, always have (Margaritas with Fernando anyone?), but this song speaks to the very core of where my life is now. I will quote a bit of it here, before I get on with "the good stuff" today~

I Will Not Be Broken, Bonnie Raitt (partial lyrics)

I will not be...

Someone other than who I am
I will fight to make my stand
Cause what is livin' if I can't live free
What is freedom if I can't be me

Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I'm not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken

Monday, May 01, 2006

Dirty Part 1

Dirty.

What is it about certain acts that make a woman like me flutter? Dirty things, things that we we raised to believe degraded us, made us less than equal with our partners? Too many of them to list, and if I did, I wouldn't get a damn thing done today; I'd spend the day in the bathroom with my hand in my jeans~

So why do I sit here this morning, craving something dirty?

I have said often enough that the dirtier and nastier it is, the better I like it. It's funny. It doesn't have to be anything huge to set me off, either. Whisper something terrible in my ear - call me a whore, a cunt, tell me you intend to hurt me/use me/do what you want with me. Growl. Grab a handful of hair and take me to my knees. I'm not hard to set off /grin.

And what's in it for you, if you do that? Expend that small amount of energy for something I want and need?

Well, nothing, if you like cuddly sweet sex.

But if you don't, there's plenty in it for you. Set me off, and your naughtiest fantasies (within a huge range of reason) can come true.

I promise, I'll make it as good for you as it is for me~

Now, where was I. Oh that's right.

What's Dirty?

My boss will be in soon, so that will have to wait~ (and yes, I am a tease sometimes :P)

I promise I'll finish that today.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Management of Me~

My horoscope for today says, in part, "Lightheartedness should get your everywhere today."

Well, good. I hate it when they say I should be stressed out :P

I am feeling a bit of stress lately. Now that I've been at my job for about 6 months and have gotten intimate with all of the system we wrote and support here, I'm getting more and more work that's new territory for me. I love this, I really do. I love writing my own stuff from scratch, instead of trying to tear through someone else's code (especially when they can't document *Sigh*). But with that comes a lot of pressure and the "need for speed" and I'm beginning to get slightly overwhelemed.

It's funny. About the time I decide to start getting on with my life, and getting out there again - work throws me down on the ground in a non-consensual, non-orgasmic way :P I am starting to get a little frustrated with that as well. I'm letting things slide at home, too, which pisses me off. I need to just get on a schedule and stay on it.

And sleep. I don't sleep well, but I don't think it has a thing to do with anything work related. I think it's just emotional, and the fact that I really need to start working out again.

Also, the not having had sex since January thing certainly isn't helping :P

So, this weekend, it's time to get re-organized. Put myself on a work/sleep/play schedule that I can live with it, and try to stick to it.

I wish I were one of those submissive women who wants a dominant to do all that for me. Be a major micro-manager, and put her life in order. I'm not though. I'm an adult woman, I can do it for myself - I just need to get motivated to get it done.

I dislike being micro-managed. I don't like it in work, and and I don't like it at home. Sometimes, that seems like it'd be a much easier life to have that, but I can't see myself dealing well with it for long.

There are certain areas of my life that I enjoy having a dominant take control of. Sex, being the major one. Tell me when, how often, how. All that is good *grin*. I also don't mind being given chores - things to have done every day, week, whatever. Like coffee in bed? Tell me how you take it, and what time you want to get up. Want your slippers when you come home at night? Show me where they are. These kinds of things work for me.

But please don't tell me how to run my career. I've been doing it without help for 20 years, and I think I do a pretty good job. Don't tell me where to submit my stories to - I know the market very well. Don't tell me when I can or should go see my folks - I've been in that family for 41 years and I'm pretty sure I know them better than you do. Suggest? Sure - I love suggestions and will appreciate them when you offer them, but don't expect me to immediately follow. Those kinds of decisions are mine, and mine alone.

/shrug That makes me what it makes me. But it makes me happy, so fuck everything else ~