I'm a bit better today.
I think yesterday's anger was my mind's way of letting me rest. The week before this was turmoil personified. Sunday was the cumulation of that. And my pysche needed a break.
Eternal optimism isn't healthy in the long run, especially when it means getting your heart run over by a truck twenty times a year.
I think I'll be in cautious mode for awhile.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Angry
I'm angry.
I feel like I'm being forced to go cut my own switch off the tree to get beat with.
I feel like I'm being punished for something I had nothing to do with.
And I am.
5 years ago on October 12th, I married the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.
2 years ago, this man decided that being married no longer suited him; that he wanted to be responsible for himself and only himself.
6 months ago, I told this man I was ready - file the damn papers, let's be done.
A week ago, I drove to Virignia to go to the attorney with him.
Yesterday, when I spoke to him, he told me he didn't have time to file the papers himself.
Yea. That's being responsible for yourself, you jackass.
Let's punish Jill, who doesn't want this - who never wanted this - who believes in commitment and believes in finding ways to work things out. Let's make sure that Jill feels as absolutely terrible about this whole thing as she possible can so there's no chance in heaven or hell she will ever look at you the same. Let's make Jill do all the work and suffer through all the consequnces alone while you're off having your 'freedom' and your 'self-responsibility'.
Let's be sure we sink that fucking knife in just as deeply as we can so that the scar is permanent.
Did I mention I was angry?
I feel like I'm being forced to go cut my own switch off the tree to get beat with.
I feel like I'm being punished for something I had nothing to do with.
And I am.
5 years ago on October 12th, I married the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.
2 years ago, this man decided that being married no longer suited him; that he wanted to be responsible for himself and only himself.
6 months ago, I told this man I was ready - file the damn papers, let's be done.
A week ago, I drove to Virignia to go to the attorney with him.
Yesterday, when I spoke to him, he told me he didn't have time to file the papers himself.
Yea. That's being responsible for yourself, you jackass.
Let's punish Jill, who doesn't want this - who never wanted this - who believes in commitment and believes in finding ways to work things out. Let's make sure that Jill feels as absolutely terrible about this whole thing as she possible can so there's no chance in heaven or hell she will ever look at you the same. Let's make Jill do all the work and suffer through all the consequnces alone while you're off having your 'freedom' and your 'self-responsibility'.
Let's be sure we sink that fucking knife in just as deeply as we can so that the scar is permanent.
Did I mention I was angry?
*sighs* I dunno why I don't learn .....
.... that just because you believe in something doesn't make it true.
Let it never be said that I caved on my commitments.
Let it never be said that I didn't give 100% of who and what I am.
Let it never be said that I didn't love to the best of my ability.
Let it never be said that your heart can break a million times before you finally start repair.
Let it never be said that tears don't cleanse.
And let it never be said that - well - that you're never too old to fall for the same shit, year after year.
Papers are being filed this week, by my own hand. I want my life back.
Let it never be said that I caved on my commitments.
Let it never be said that I didn't give 100% of who and what I am.
Let it never be said that I didn't love to the best of my ability.
Let it never be said that your heart can break a million times before you finally start repair.
Let it never be said that tears don't cleanse.
And let it never be said that - well - that you're never too old to fall for the same shit, year after year.
Papers are being filed this week, by my own hand. I want my life back.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
10 Things
I wrote this for another purpose, but thought I'd post it here as well.
10 things you should know about me
1. I'm not a relgious person. I was raised Roman Catholic and remained so until I was about 26 years old (more on that in #3). I don't miss it, never did. I'm a very spiritual person, and I do believe in God, but that's not all I believe in. I'm not a fan of organized religion at all. I don't have anything against people who are, but I'm just not one of them.
2. I'm 41 years old (you knew that lol). That means a lot of things but mostly it means that I'm past an age where I really want to have any kids. I still can. I just don't think it's something I'm going to be unfulfilled if I don't do. I have 3 grown stepdaughters (not legally but that is what our relationship is - I raised them) from a previous relationship. I have a niece and a nephew that I adore. So if I don't have any, I'm more than fine with that. I haven't made it so I can't, I just don't think I will.
3. Growing up, and until I moved to California, I was a liberal. That is no longer the case for the most part lol. California will beat the liberal right out of you if you live there long enough. I do hold a few liberal views still - the main being that I am rabidly pro-choice. I have a long story that relates to that, and my not being Catholic anymore. I'll share it sometime.
4. I'm not one of these women who roll out of bed and head for the hair dryer and makeup. Makeup for me is special occasion stuff, not an every day thing (cept for a bit of lipstick sometimes). I don't take 20 minutes on my hair, I don't spend hours shopping for clothes (ew). I dress to impress myself, or whoever I'm seeing and that's pretty much it. At home I sleep with my hair in a ponytail so it doesn't get all tangled up. On the other hand, I'm a big fan of clothes and lingerie that show off any assets I may have (*wink*) but I'm not what anyone would consider a "girly girl" and I don't think I own anything pink :p None of that, is of course, to say I'm not vain about a few things, mainly my hair lol. It's taken a long time to grow it out this far, and I'm very vain about it.
5. I'm a very affectionate person. My dad's side of the family was very much like that, and I've carried it into adulthood. I do realize that there is a time and place (I was also raised with pretty good manners lol) but it's part of who I am. I'm also a very sexual person, which is expressed in many ways other than sex *chuckle*
6. My writing is very important to me. It's my craft, and I've worked very hard to get it to the point it's at now. Having said that, I do tend to be lazy about it sometimes (say, for the last year) and don't do near as much of it as I should. But once I am inspired, and have the energy to do it - that's all I want to do. On the other hand, I read like a fiend. Typically, I have a book at the keyboard with me for when it gets boring. Quite often, I find the written word carries more weight with me than the spoken.
7. I don't have much of a temper. It takes me a long time to get super angry, and it typically burns off quickly. This is not to say it doesn't happen; it does. Just not often and not for very long. I try very hard not to carry grudges, or base decisions on past judgements. I'm very philosophical about stuff like that.
8. I don't collect much of anything, except dragonflies. My bedroom is done up in Arthurian Legend art and assorted things that remind me of that period, including a celtic tapestry and a huge bed *chuckle*. I make candles (and soap, and incense) at home, so there are tons of those all over my house. My living room is mostly in blues, though it wasn't planned, just kinda happened that way. Most everything else in the house is red, which is my favorite color. I have some family furniture, but most of my stuff is heavy, substansial furniture. I prefer it, just for the look.
9. I'm not a barhopper. I did a lot of that when I was younger and I don't have much use for it now. When I go out, it's usually just with friends. I prefer quiet - with an occasional concert thrown in for good measure. I do like going to the movies, and out to dinner (sorta, less now with the band, its typically wasteful to buy a whole dinner for me). I also like to stay home and watch movies on the couch, where I can be comfortable and not have to listen to some idiots cell phone /wink. Typically I'll watch anything - except football (I don't get it) and I'm not much of a science fiction fan, although I have acquired a taste for some of it.
10. I'm a romantic. Little gestures mean a lot to me, and I try to return the favor as often as possible. I'm not big on jewelry (I wear rings - all silver - all my jewelry is - I wear earrings occasionaly - I do not now, nor have I ever - owned a diamond and don't really care to). I don't care much for roses anymore either (in my experience, they have always been an apology) but lillies are my favorite, and I try to have them in house once a month or so. I take great care to let people I care about - know that I care about them. I don't expect to always have a gesture returned - for heaven's sakes - lol but it's nice to know they are appreciated.
10 things you should know about me
1. I'm not a relgious person. I was raised Roman Catholic and remained so until I was about 26 years old (more on that in #3). I don't miss it, never did. I'm a very spiritual person, and I do believe in God, but that's not all I believe in. I'm not a fan of organized religion at all. I don't have anything against people who are, but I'm just not one of them.
2. I'm 41 years old (you knew that lol). That means a lot of things but mostly it means that I'm past an age where I really want to have any kids. I still can. I just don't think it's something I'm going to be unfulfilled if I don't do. I have 3 grown stepdaughters (not legally but that is what our relationship is - I raised them) from a previous relationship. I have a niece and a nephew that I adore. So if I don't have any, I'm more than fine with that. I haven't made it so I can't, I just don't think I will.
3. Growing up, and until I moved to California, I was a liberal. That is no longer the case for the most part lol. California will beat the liberal right out of you if you live there long enough. I do hold a few liberal views still - the main being that I am rabidly pro-choice. I have a long story that relates to that, and my not being Catholic anymore. I'll share it sometime.
4. I'm not one of these women who roll out of bed and head for the hair dryer and makeup. Makeup for me is special occasion stuff, not an every day thing (cept for a bit of lipstick sometimes). I don't take 20 minutes on my hair, I don't spend hours shopping for clothes (ew). I dress to impress myself, or whoever I'm seeing and that's pretty much it. At home I sleep with my hair in a ponytail so it doesn't get all tangled up. On the other hand, I'm a big fan of clothes and lingerie that show off any assets I may have (*wink*) but I'm not what anyone would consider a "girly girl" and I don't think I own anything pink :p None of that, is of course, to say I'm not vain about a few things, mainly my hair lol. It's taken a long time to grow it out this far, and I'm very vain about it.
5. I'm a very affectionate person. My dad's side of the family was very much like that, and I've carried it into adulthood. I do realize that there is a time and place (I was also raised with pretty good manners lol) but it's part of who I am. I'm also a very sexual person, which is expressed in many ways other than sex *chuckle*
6. My writing is very important to me. It's my craft, and I've worked very hard to get it to the point it's at now. Having said that, I do tend to be lazy about it sometimes (say, for the last year) and don't do near as much of it as I should. But once I am inspired, and have the energy to do it - that's all I want to do. On the other hand, I read like a fiend. Typically, I have a book at the keyboard with me for when it gets boring. Quite often, I find the written word carries more weight with me than the spoken.
7. I don't have much of a temper. It takes me a long time to get super angry, and it typically burns off quickly. This is not to say it doesn't happen; it does. Just not often and not for very long. I try very hard not to carry grudges, or base decisions on past judgements. I'm very philosophical about stuff like that.
8. I don't collect much of anything, except dragonflies. My bedroom is done up in Arthurian Legend art and assorted things that remind me of that period, including a celtic tapestry and a huge bed *chuckle*. I make candles (and soap, and incense) at home, so there are tons of those all over my house. My living room is mostly in blues, though it wasn't planned, just kinda happened that way. Most everything else in the house is red, which is my favorite color. I have some family furniture, but most of my stuff is heavy, substansial furniture. I prefer it, just for the look.
9. I'm not a barhopper. I did a lot of that when I was younger and I don't have much use for it now. When I go out, it's usually just with friends. I prefer quiet - with an occasional concert thrown in for good measure. I do like going to the movies, and out to dinner (sorta, less now with the band, its typically wasteful to buy a whole dinner for me). I also like to stay home and watch movies on the couch, where I can be comfortable and not have to listen to some idiots cell phone /wink. Typically I'll watch anything - except football (I don't get it) and I'm not much of a science fiction fan, although I have acquired a taste for some of it.
10. I'm a romantic. Little gestures mean a lot to me, and I try to return the favor as often as possible. I'm not big on jewelry (I wear rings - all silver - all my jewelry is - I wear earrings occasionaly - I do not now, nor have I ever - owned a diamond and don't really care to). I don't care much for roses anymore either (in my experience, they have always been an apology) but lillies are my favorite, and I try to have them in house once a month or so. I take great care to let people I care about - know that I care about them. I don't expect to always have a gesture returned - for heaven's sakes - lol but it's nice to know they are appreciated.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
From a Dream
I tried not to wake you when I crawled into bed, but you looked so peaceful lying there asleep that I wanted to lay my head on your chest to know you were real.... my cheek touched your skin and your arms wrapped around me tightly, rolling me onto my side and as you curled yourself up behind me, you mumbled something that sounded like "what's the matter, babe?" - and my response, a whisper as I settled into your embrace feeling warm and safe - "not a damn thing."
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