So, I've talked to C several times in the last few weeks. Sunday, I sat down and wrote this:


There was this girl, see.

She was born with a huge heart, big green eyes, and white-blonde curls. She was the younger of two girls, loved by her parents and grandparents alike. She got good grades, had good friends, and participated in school activities. She was musical and creative and something about her glowed when she was happy.

But her heart wasn’t the only thing about her that was larger-than-life. And as hard as she worked, and as hard as she tried, she always felt like she was making up for her non-standard appearance with her achievements.

“If I try just a little harder, maybe they’ll all forget that I’m big.”

And maybe they did. But she could not.

Being the big girl became the only thing she really saw about herself. Oh, she knew she was smart, pretty, creative. She knew she had a flair for writing. She knew she was a good cook, a helpful person, compassionate and caring. She knew she had great eyes and lips and hair, long legs, a pretty smile.

But that was never what she saw when she looked in the mirror. All she ever saw was how big she was, how her face was distorted, and how she couldn’t seem to smile when she gazed at her own appearance.

And then, after many years, along came this boy.

This boy loved her, even when she couldn’t seem to love herself. He encouraged her and he supported her as he loved her. Over the course of eleven years, they came together passionately and parted sadly three times.

When she left him the third time, tears streaming down her cheeks, she still blamed the fact that she was big.

Then the girl spent six months alone, far away from him. She didn’t know when she left him that she felt any of these things. She didn’t know that she didn’t love herself. And she didn’t know how to start, but she knew she had to. Not because the boy told her, but because the hollowness and sadness in her own huge heart told her.

So she spent five months starting to. Every time she felt better about herself, she wanted to call the boy and tell him so, but she couldn’t. She was afraid if she said it out loud, it would sound foolish and she would feel bad about herself again.

“Such a simple thing, loving yourself.” She thought. “It’s not an accomplishment; it’s something I should have always done.”

So even when the boy and the girl started talking again, she held this new part of herself back. She hoped he would see it, but she didn’t say it out loud. “When I am whole, he will see it.” She thought to herself.
----
Tonight, I added this:

There came a point one day, when the girl felt good enough about herself to start looking for a new job. She had sent resumes in before, but one morning she just felt more ready than she had before. As she started to apply for a job that sounded perfect for her, she hesitated, and stopped to think about why.

“I don’t want to be here.” She thought simply. “I want to be with that boy.”

She called the boy and they talked. She told him that she wanted him, and started to tell him what she would do to compromise. The boy was hesitant, so the girl stopped, thinking to herself.

“I respect myself too much to go any further if he isn’t willing. I will stop, and wait. And see.”

And she waits.

She wants the boy more than anything. But not if it means giving up her new self-respect and loving herself to have him. “I will not beg. I would give my all to him, but I will not beg him to take it.”

-----

I'm feeling very sad today. I wish I could make that go away.

New look

Even I tend to get bored..... so I got a new template. I like it. Hopefully, the comments, etc will be working now again.

I know the old-timers have probably stopped being interested so much here, as my D/s discussion seems to be...lacking. I do hope to get back to it at some point. I just want to make sure that what I say isn't affected by my feelings about my separation from C. I'd hate to have to go back and delete entries later.

So, be patient with me. The Goddess is still ironing out (or in) my kinks.

Over the years, I guess I've become far too dependent on D/s. Because simple issues - relationship issues - now confuddle the hell out of me, and I struggle to know how to handle them.

A couple posts ago, I wrote about someone I had been acting far too submissive to. This is a situation that needs to be handled, but since he's been mostly AFK for the last two weeks, it hasn't been "in my face".

Basically, what it boils down to, is it's someone I was very close to at one time, especially during my initial separation from C. Over the course of the last six months, he's pulled back further and further, til every time I see him online, if I don't initiate a conversation, one rarely happens. Of course, he denies that he's pulled away when I have approached him about it, but it's plainly obvious to me (and to everyone who came to know us as partners in game) that he's done this. He says he's busy. He doesn't get to play much. He's distracted. Well, okay, that's fine, does that keep you from sending me a /whisper with a hello? I mean, seriously. I'm not blonde on the inside for fuck's sake.

There's a lot more to the story, but that's the jist of it.

But that's not the issue. The issue I'm having is how I'm handling it. Namely, I'm not. Why?

Cause I'm afraid I'm wrong. I'm pretty sure I'm not, but maybe I am.

But the bigger issue is: This is just a friend. And I'm struggling to be blunt with him. I never had trouble being blunt with C. Or M. Or anyone else. I'd approach it from a submissive corner, of course, but my bluntness and boldness never waivered.

I've gotten so used to one kind of relationship that I'm having trouble dealing with other kinds and that pisses me right the fuck off.

Just writing that helped. I know what needs to be done. I just need to do it. I think I'll be able to now.

I'm a huge fan of words. I used to listen harder than I looked. But you know, it's true. Actions DO speak louder than words. And you can bet your ass that I'm listening now.