So, I've talked to C several times in the last few weeks. Sunday, I sat down and wrote this:


There was this girl, see.

She was born with a huge heart, big green eyes, and white-blonde curls. She was the younger of two girls, loved by her parents and grandparents alike. She got good grades, had good friends, and participated in school activities. She was musical and creative and something about her glowed when she was happy.

But her heart wasn’t the only thing about her that was larger-than-life. And as hard as she worked, and as hard as she tried, she always felt like she was making up for her non-standard appearance with her achievements.

“If I try just a little harder, maybe they’ll all forget that I’m big.”

And maybe they did. But she could not.

Being the big girl became the only thing she really saw about herself. Oh, she knew she was smart, pretty, creative. She knew she had a flair for writing. She knew she was a good cook, a helpful person, compassionate and caring. She knew she had great eyes and lips and hair, long legs, a pretty smile.

But that was never what she saw when she looked in the mirror. All she ever saw was how big she was, how her face was distorted, and how she couldn’t seem to smile when she gazed at her own appearance.

And then, after many years, along came this boy.

This boy loved her, even when she couldn’t seem to love herself. He encouraged her and he supported her as he loved her. Over the course of eleven years, they came together passionately and parted sadly three times.

When she left him the third time, tears streaming down her cheeks, she still blamed the fact that she was big.

Then the girl spent six months alone, far away from him. She didn’t know when she left him that she felt any of these things. She didn’t know that she didn’t love herself. And she didn’t know how to start, but she knew she had to. Not because the boy told her, but because the hollowness and sadness in her own huge heart told her.

So she spent five months starting to. Every time she felt better about herself, she wanted to call the boy and tell him so, but she couldn’t. She was afraid if she said it out loud, it would sound foolish and she would feel bad about herself again.

“Such a simple thing, loving yourself.” She thought. “It’s not an accomplishment; it’s something I should have always done.”

So even when the boy and the girl started talking again, she held this new part of herself back. She hoped he would see it, but she didn’t say it out loud. “When I am whole, he will see it.” She thought to herself.
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Tonight, I added this:

There came a point one day, when the girl felt good enough about herself to start looking for a new job. She had sent resumes in before, but one morning she just felt more ready than she had before. As she started to apply for a job that sounded perfect for her, she hesitated, and stopped to think about why.

“I don’t want to be here.” She thought simply. “I want to be with that boy.”

She called the boy and they talked. She told him that she wanted him, and started to tell him what she would do to compromise. The boy was hesitant, so the girl stopped, thinking to herself.

“I respect myself too much to go any further if he isn’t willing. I will stop, and wait. And see.”

And she waits.

She wants the boy more than anything. But not if it means giving up her new self-respect and loving herself to have him. “I will not beg. I would give my all to him, but I will not beg him to take it.”

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I'm feeling very sad today. I wish I could make that go away.