Ten Commandments of ... ME

After watching the True Hollywood Story about Jenna Jameson a few weeks ago, I decided to pick her book, How to Make Love Like A Porn Star.  It's become my "car book", and I've enjoyed it so far. This isn't a sex manual, as the title portrays.  It's an autobiography.  Maybe there will be some how-to's later *grin

One thing that struck me most so far was Jenna's Ten Commandments.  These ten things she lists are "dealbreakers" for her, in her relationships with men.  It's a neat idea, and I'm sure it's been done before this, and probably better, but the concept is new to me.

It inspired me so much that I've decided to make one of my own.  This is going to take awhile ...




The Ten Commandments of Relationships with Jill

Breaking one of these is worse than going to hell; it's being kicked out my bed *wink

1.  Thou Shalt Never compare me to your ex girlfriends or former lovers in my presence.

2.   Thou Shalt Never walk away angry from me without at least telling me why.  If you still need to go, fine.  But don't you fucking dare walk away or give me the silent treatment without at least having the courtesy to tell me what you're angry about.  That's just rude.

3.  Thou Shalt Never utter any of the following phrases to me:
       a.  "You shouldn't feel that way."
       b.  "You don't really mean that."
       c.  "Sorry, I wasn't really listening."
       d.  "Are you really going to eat that?"
       e.  "Do you have PMS?"
       f.  "That's just stupid."

4.  Thou Shall keep in mind things that are important to me, whether they are important to you or not.  Do not mock them or ignore them and hope they will go away.  They won't.  But you will.

5.  Though Shall Not immediately pull out and hit the shower after you fuck me.  I don't need a bunch of cuddle time, but I like to revel in the afterglow and that's not nearly as fun solo.

6,  Though Shall Not whine to me about your exes.

7.  Thou Shall give an opinion when I ask for it.  I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know.

8,  Thou Shall not try to fix me unless I ask for help.

9.  Thou Shall compliment me only sincerely, but often and vigorously.

10. Thou Shall never take me for granted, for I...much like any other grace, can disappear from your life at the blink of an eye.  And you will miss me when I'm gone.

I may edit these, but for a quick pass, I think they pretty much cover everything.

This was fun.  And I think it was good to actually have to think about it.

I'm hiring.

I don't enjoying dusting and vacuuming. 

I might enjoy it more wearing one of these *grin I've seen a male version of this.... it could be very cute on the right guy.

Maybe I need to do some hiring .... a houseboy might be fabulous.

Wisdom in Unsuspecting Places

I'll admit it.

I Facebook.  (And, I use facebook as a verb, too! I'm such a rebel).

It's a great way to re-connect with people from your past and to keep up with people in your now.  There are games and quizzes and all kinds of stuff to keep you occupied and fill time that you should be doing other things in, but you feel like wasting time.

One of my favorite little applications is called "Pieces of Flair". Flair, reminiscent of Office Space (one of the best movies ever), are those little buttons that people always seem to have lying around.  It's fun, because people upload their own stuff, so you get quite a selection.  I have a great time hitting it up every day.

I found one today that struck me as the perfect sentiment for me today:

No Girl Should Ever Forget The She Doesn't Need Anyone Who Doesn't Need Her.

That's right.  No girl should ever forget that.  But mostly, we do.

And then something comes along to remind us.  And we hit our "cancel" button on things that don't work for us, and we move onto things that do.

Lustful Intentions

If only it were this simple.

I do think lust is good for you, in most cases.  Physically, emotionally, mentally.  I think keeping our sexuality working like a finely oiled machine makes us healthier overall.  Even if you aren't having sex, if you're fantasizing and you're masturbating, your wheels are getting greased...so to speak....more often than folks who don't.

Don't get me wrong; I think that real old fashioned fucking is better for you than the single-based version, but self-greasing is good for you too.  It keeps your blood pumping, your mind working and a smile or smirk on your face.  It's all good in varying degrees.


It's rare, but occasional even I go through a dry spell, where I can't seem to focus enough to pull it off.  Recently, I've found that the things that I think about when I masturbate have changed.  Not drastically, but it's definitely been whole new situations than the old standbys that I've been used to.  They had to change, because the old ones just were not working anymore.

This is not new for me. It happens during certain life-events for me.  When I have to force a change in all areas of my life to clean up one.  It's not a bad thing.  It takes me out of my comfort zone and forces me to open new doors. Sometimes, those doors prove to be very lucrative in the sense that my mind opens to new possibilites.  It forces me to lust for new things.

Revel in your lust.  It's good for you.

Sunday, Sunday

I was up too early, and immediately thinking about a work project.

This does not bode well.

I did some gaming (trying to get finished with the things) and made one batch of soap.

Now I'm wondering what to do with myself. 

This picture reminds me of the old-school Frederick's Catalog -- before they had real pictures, and mostly had drawings. It's nostalgic. I'd never be able to get away with her shoes but it's a great picture all the same.  I love those old catalogs.  They were probably my first serious foray into art that was sexual.  I saw my first one at a house I babysat at.  That was also the first time I ever saw a full-length "erotic novel" (in quotes, because the storyline was weak, and it was pretty much just sex sex sex) and that, more than anything else, probably influenced my life path at the tender age of 14. I had already learned to masturbate by that age, but the catalogs (and the images they produced in my head) and those "novels" brought a new level to it.  It had purpose.  It had a direction. 

I never looked back.  I still don't.  Thank goodness.

Gotta Keep 'em Separated

I spent last weekend with my gaming friends at a 3 day house party.  I had a fantastic time, as I always do out there.  Good friends, good food, good drinks and good times.

Something happened Saturday night, early on, before anyone was too loaded *chuckle*.  There is always a lot of heavy innuendo going on at these parties -- most of us have known each other for quite awhile and we're all very comfortable together, so the flirting is pretty heavy, even amongst those folks who are married.  It's all in fun (although in the beginning there were a couple of people who took it a little too far).  I kind of have always stayed on the fringes of the really heavy flirting, mostly because I'm pretty low-key at these parties and the last thing I want is to end up doing anything like (the couple of people who took it a little too far) and once we start drinking, I know how my inhibitions lower.  So I'm careful.

But I didn't realize until last Saturday how careful.  Someone lobbed a very heavy flirt at me, and when I just smiled at him, he apologized, because he thought he had offended me.

(stop laughing.)

I realized then, that I do keep myself separated in different company.

There is Jill the Sexpot, who you know from here -- and then there is Jill, the calm, funny sarcastic chick from Wisconsin that (most of them) know.

I mean, look.  I am who I am.  But the fact is most of those people do not know Screamer.  They do not know I've published erotica or non-fiction articles about sex and bdsm.  They do not know about this blog or my obesession with all educational sexual material.

So I asked myself, after He Who Thought He Offended Me had been told otherwise...

Why do I do that?  Do I think that my friends out there would be offended by me?

Maybe I'm worried about that a little, but I don't think that's really it.  I'm going to need to keep thinking about that.

But it does bother me that I feel like I have to do that.  It's not really dishonest, but it feels dishonest.  And I don't like that.

Frankly, I don't think there's anything wrong with Jill the Sexpot.  I kind of like her myself *smirk*.  And I don't think that very many people would love me any less for it.  But it's hard for me to let her out of her box around some people.

Maybe if I let her out a little at a time ......

Something Odd

In the last 2 weeks, I've worn three pink shirts.

To a normal person of the female persuasion, that's not odd.

To me it is.  I have almost always had an aversion to the color pink.  I didn't like it.  I didn't want to wear it.  I didn't want anything to do with it.  I had physical reactions of a bad kind to it.

That seems to have changed......

As I was getting ready to take off from Madison to Philly last Friday, I realized that I did not pack a sweatshirt.  This time of year, knowing I would be spending time outside and it was cold there, that was a mistake on my part.  So I walked into one of those "news/gift" stores they have in every airport. 

They certainly had sweatshirts.  Nice hooded ones with the little pocket in the front that my cold hands love.  I had a choice between Navy Blue, Pink and Yellow.  And I picked the pink. (I also picked the wrong size and the the thing is HUGE on me, so it's going back to Philly, to a certain college student I know who will love it).  As I was buying it, I was asking myself why, but buy it, I did.  And when I got to Philly, at one of those same kinds of shops, I saw a lighter pink one that said "Philadelphia" on it.  I laughed about buying it on the way home.

And then I did buy it on the way home.

I'm not displeased by this change of events.  On the contrary, I am a little fascinated by it.  Things change.  And I personally do not see how this is a bad thing.  I mean, c'mon.  Pink is just light red, right?  And you know how I feel about red .....This is not a new obsession by any means.... but it is opening my mind to new things a little....

I don't want to analyze it too much.  I don't want to try and pick it apart.  But I think it's worth noting.

I came across the picture above the other day.  Maybe that'll be my next pink purchase.... I think I could fill that bra out nicely ....

Happy

I took a little time away.  I needed it.

I am basically a very happy person.  Even when I'm not happy, I can remain optimistic.  Most of the time.

But lately, little things have been making me unhappy and in the last week, it occurred to me that I'm not sure what is actually going to make me happy.

It's kind of a neat thing, to not know... and to have to start figuring out what it's going to take.

But on the other hand, it seems like such a lot of work.

So I'm thinking about that now... really thinking about it.  What is going to make me happy?

I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Dynamics

As I've mentioned, I'm re-watching QaF seasons 1-4 in preparation for finally getting to see the final season of this wonderful series.

I like this show, much the same way as I like The L Word.  Not only because they are about alternative lifestyles, and deal with sex in frank and 'in you face' ways, but because they deal with real people.  Even if the relationships they show are same-sex for the most part, the dynamics are the same as any other relationships. 

I think my favorite character on QaF is Emmett.  He's flamboyant and silly.  But he's also blind to outer appearances and really sees with his heart.  Just like I used to.  For me, that didn't work out well, but for Emmett, it seems to work wonderfully.  He knows when to say yes and he knows when to stay and when to go.  He's a romantic.  But he's got balls, and he's smart.  I like him. 

Dynamics in sexual relationships fascinate me. 

I said in a previous post that I was thinking about polyamory.  And I have done that.  Thought about it, that is.

And the fact is, I don't think that'll work for me.  And it occurred to me why this week:

I need to feel special.  I told M for two years while we were talking about poly, that I didn't need to be his only girl, but I did need to be his "best girl".  He couldn't work within those parameters, apparently.

But that's all right.  Because the sooner you get to know the someone else's truth, the sooner you can make up your own mind about how your truth works with theirs.

The dynamic still fascinates me.  I'm just not sure it's for me.

I've got time to decide what is for me.  All that matters is that I'm actively thinking about it.

And I am.

Simplicity

Queer as Folk, Season 3, Episode 6

"You certainly dream big."
"Why not?  Doesn't cost anything."

All I can say is.... Yes.

Re-Focus

I've had a good week, as I said last night.  Not an easy week.  Not necessarily a happy week overall.  But a good week nonetheless.

I have re-focused.  I have taken back control.  I have allowed myself to step out of the little box I put myself in for reasons that only existed in the reality of my mind -- not in the real reality.

Not only do I feel stronger, I feel healthier. I feel more peaceful, less aggitated.

All of that has some pretty fabulous side effects.

Like feeling sexier. Energized.  Optimistic.  Grateful.

I cleaned the entire upstairs of my house so far today, hung up some things that have been laying around for months, did laundry, changed my bed and put the winter blanket on... and it's only 2pm! I also put a whole level on my WoW paladin that I play with my east coast friends.

I'm mostly writing this in case I ever get stuck in that box again.  So I can look back, and say "I got out of the box then. I can get out of the box now." And stop wasting so much fucking time.


It's not enough to think outside the box.  You gotta GET outside the box.

Here's the Thing

So here's the thing.

I'm stronger than all that.  I allowed myself to get mired down in the bullshit when all I really needed to do was get off my ass and take care of business.

I'm 90% done with that this week.

My divorce is filed again, the papers are safely on their way to the Sheriff's office where he is "last known to live",

I've wrapped up some loose ends with my finances.  I moved some money around, closed a joint bank account, set things right.

I feel good.
I feel strong again.

Sometimes, it takes just one more thing to pull me out of a funk.
I had that one thing.
I got out of the funk.

I'm back.

And I'm here to stay.

Decisions

I'm not going to post anymore emo bullshit on this blog.

While it is my life, and it's part of what I'm dealing with, it does not belong in this blog.

Maybe I'll start another emo girl one, maybe I won't.

But this blog is about life and sex.

And it's time I kept it that way.

This does not define who I am.

I haven't told many people this, and I certainly haven't written about it here, because I didn't think it was something I really wanted to discuss with the public at large.

But it's kind of right in the front of my brain this weekend, and it's not something I'm ashamed of (surprisingly), so I figured I may as well say it loud so to speak.

Middle of last month, I went to see a therapist.


There's something in me that doesn't allow me to see reality when I look in the mirror, and no matter how many books I've read about it, it isn't helping, so against my better judgment (at the time), I decided it was time to go talk to a professional about it.

I wasn't sure, after the first two visits, if it was really going to help.  I felt like he spent an extensive period of time asking about my childhood, which I consider to have been very normal all things considered.  But Friday, the tone of the appointment was different, and I decided I'd give it a couple more tries.

Two of the things he said (as vague pseudo diagnosis, I guess) is that I have unrelenting standards and that I have a significant fear of failure.

Yes.

The fear of failure is the one that I've been focusing on this weekend, and while I was taking a shower this afternoon, washing all the candle scent and hair-glaze off, it occurred to me that while I do have that fear of failure, I often set myself for it, and even while I'm trying to avoid it, I end up stepping right into it.  Especially in love relationships.

I said something that the Dr found "very telling" in the middle of a conversation about why I don't date now.  I told him that while thumbing through pictures on a personals site, I will often go right past men I consider to be very good looking or extremely successful without stopping.  He asked why.  I said that I don't date men like that.  He asked why.

I didn't answer right away.  But what came out shortly thereafter is that those kinds of men have never had any interest in me.  Again with the fat chick....

No, I have tended to pick men who are 'odd' in one way or another. Broken. Too skinny.  Too emotional.  Not at all emotional.  Too quiet.  Too geeky.  These are the men I thought that I could succeed with.  Very good looking successful men offered too good of an opportunity for failure, but guys who were a little 'weird' or 'not quite normal' seemed to provide less of that opportunity, and perhaps I could make it work.

Problem is, it hasn't.

And I think that a very big part of my 'too independent' is that those failures....are actually harder to digest than the others would be.

Why?

Because they made me feel as if I wasn't even good enough for a weird guy.  How could I possibly be good enough for anyone?

/eyeroll.  Again, as last night, what a load of horseshit.

I like realizations most of the time.  This one I am not happy about. It's good to know it, at least.  And to know why I've been so on edge since Friday.  And now that I do know it, I can set it right.  You can't fix what you don't realize is broken, right?

And then...

The episode after the "I'm Polyamorous" episode?

The "I'm bixesual" episode.

I've written enough on that subject.  I'm not going to write about it again right now.

But it just struck me as funny.

Monday is the new Sex Day. :)

Then again, every day is sex day in my house :)

Multiples

On those nights when I should be writing or making soap or doing something else, and there's nothing on TV, I look for other stuff to watch.

Tonight, I saw True Life on the TV Guide Channel and clicked info to see what it was about.  This is actually about the only thing on MTV that I'll watch.  I like most of the episodes I've seen.  And tonight's subject?

Polyamory.


Wow.  Seriously? Polyamory in the 18-25 age group, and on MTV?

Just....wow.

So you know me.  I had to watch it.

I have mixed experiences with polyamory.  I've met some people whom are very happy and contented in their multiple relationships   My ex in CA and I discussed it multiple times but he proved to be untrustworthy at the first attempt and took advantage of the concept.

Part of me would like to know how it feels to have a relationship like that.  And another part of me is scared shitless of it.  But the fact is that I am not in a place right now where I am looking to live with someone or to be married.  Maybe that's just because I'm not meeting people, but that's how I feel right now.  As many issues as my 'ultra-independence' has caused me for the last few years, I'm not feeling ready at this point to give it up yet.

I just don't know how I'd handle it, but it's an idea that is floating around in my head. Serious relationships, but open relationships.  I think, actually, that I'd fare better in that situation than where I am now, with no serious relationships.

The relationships in the show are interesting.  But because of the demographic of this show as previously mentioned, the 18-25 year olds, I don't have a lot in common with them.

But it's very interesting to think about.  I think I'll continue to do that.

Souvenirs Part 2

I wrote about souvenirs awhile back.

I do like to keep things that remind me of happy times.

But in reading today (in the car at work), I realized something very timely, considering our current weather.

I really really really have to let my leather jacket go.

It's a wonderful keepsake from a very unhealthy relationship and while the jacket itself reminds me of happy times in some cases, the overall truth of that period of time...is not happy.

I've had it long enough, and while I have always said that I would keep it until I died and then be buried in it, I'm not sure that's the right thing to do now.

Letting go is something I am *not* good at in some cases.  Unless I get smacked in the forehead with something, I have always tended to hang on until the pain of doing so became too great.  I don't think keeping the jacket has been "hanging on" to that relationship but I do think that a new jacket infused with it's own new energy is a better choice. 

But I'll be recycling it.  My mom has been begging for that jacket for as long as I can remember and her birthday is this week.  In addition to her gift, I'm going to give her that, too.

If I can do it.

I'm going to try.

Wish me luck.

I just can't help it.

Pictures of wooden hairbrushes take my mind to being over the knee of some very sexy man, the brush in his right hand, his left hand pushing up my skirt. In my ear, he's telling me what a naughty girl I am, all the while, waiting for my wetness to spread across his knee so he can berate me for that, too. 

Is that wrong?

Oh who asked you.  It's not wrong.  It's hot.

Go make up your own fantasy if you don't like it!

*grin

Get Real

I'll admit it.

If I'm watching reality TV on Bravo, I might be watching one of the Real Housewives franchises.  I don't care for the New Jersey one, and the Atlanta one is just okay.  New York is probably #2, but I enjoy the Orange County one.

Last night, bored and unable to string more than 2 sentences together to write, I flipped over to Bravo and watched a couple of episodes from last seasons' Orange County girls.

Of the girls on there, I think I like Jeana the best.  She's outspoken and smart and strong.


She's also getting divorced from someone who didn't appreciate her at all.  She's got spunk. I like her.

She says last night, as she's out on her first date since the separation, that in her next relationship, she wants to be cherished.  I didn't think much of it at the time, and I've seen the episode before, but as I was laying in bed last night, trying to go to sleep, it came back to me, and I understood exactly what she meant.

When you spend a long time in a series of relationships where you didn't feel like you were getting 100% of the other person's  love/attention/respect, you can almost begin to believe that that's how relationships are supposed to be.  Maybe you feel like you get what you deserve, so you start to think that every relationship you have is destined to be this way, and that it's your fate --- it's how it's supposed to be for you.

What a load of horseshit.

For me, it's not just love type relationships that have been that way.  Not every friendship I have had has been out of balance (I have some wonderful friends) , but I can point to several that were.   And like my love relationships, I almost begin to expect it, and when I feel it starting to tilt, I start protecting myself.  But somehow, I don't stop giving my best until I hit bottom.

Because I'm at a place where I'm starting to move forward, I have to really look at that.

And Jeana has it right.

I want to be cherished, too.  In all of my relationships.  I deserve that. Everyone deserves that.

Short Skirts #15

Well, hello there. 

Yes, actually, that was me an hour ago in the jeans and T-shirt, with my hair up in a ponytail, washing my car in the driveway, after I weeded the floor beds and swept out the garage.  I came in to shower while you were finishing up your car and I changed while you were in the shower.

Sometimes, I need to be reminded of my inner girly-girl.  Sometimes, you do, too.

Despite how I dress a lot of the time, she's always in there, lurking, waiting to make a sneak attack. Pink and black and lace and stockings...it's cute, isn't it?  Oh.  Cute and slutty?  I guess that's possible.

Does that work for you?  Are you interested in playing with a slutty girly-girl?  Or would you prefer I went and put my jeans back on?

I thought so.

But be prepared.  You may need another shower when we're done.