Thursday, March 31, 2005

She steals a line from one of her favorite pictures shows
And it goes
"You break my heart. But then again, you break everyone's heart"
She touches his cheek and she turns to go
And she knows
She's better for it.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

So, it's 4am, and I can't sleep. Nothing new there lately. But this is the first time I've actually resorted to taking a xanax so that I can catch a couple hours sleep.

But there's something on my mind that maybe some of the submissives that read this can relate to.

I've been without a dominant for the better part of 4 years now. C was part-time at it, at best, and only when he felt like it, which just further annoyed us both.

Lately, I've found myself being submissive to people I have no business being submissive to, and it's starting to make me feel - bad.

As a writer, I'd like to use a better word than bad there, but I can't find one.

It's not as if I've turned my life over to someone, or I've allowed them a great deal of control over a big part of my life. But it's little things, here and there. Things that - in a committed relationship would make me feel good. But here they just make me feel - bad. Not at first, of course, but over the course of time, when any kind of relationship - be it love, friendship - whatever - starts to be mostly one sided. Eventually it gets to the point where you say to yourself - ugh, have I really let this happen?

Now, I'm a huge advocate of personal responsibility and I realize fully that I have done this to myself. No one is making me feel bad, except me. And I accept that responsibility. And I know that over the next day or two, I need to resolve this situation, and let the other party know how I feel, and that the "easy train" has derailed. (and no, this isn't about sex. I'm talking about a friendship I have with another person who happens to be male - online - playing MMORPGs. I've been "partners" with him for the better part of a year now, and over the course of time, I've found myself giving much more - and especially giving in - than I should)

Anyway. That's why I'm up at 4am, and why I can't sleep, and why I feel - bad.

Old patterns are hard to break. This one needs to be shattered.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

So, ya. No updates here. Mainly cause - no updates to write.

I've started outlining a fantasy novel, about Arthurian times. It's one of my favorite genres to read, and since I've had no erotica inspirations lately, and I want to write, I'm curving that way.

It's funny how I can find so many things to distract myself from what I really should be doing. Making some definitive decisions about the next few years of my life, and putting those decisions into action.

Funny, the one thing I really want to do - I can't.

I want to dye my hair red again. Really deep dark red. However, after dying my hair black for a long time in California, I became allergic to the PPD that's in commercial hair color. So that's out, unless I wanna use henna - which I've also tried, and don't care for.

When I split up from M in California, a very dear friend of mine stepped in, and filled the "dominant" part of my life, until I'd found another to fill it. Was a godsend for me at that time. I've wondered briefly if maybe I didn't need that again, but every time I think it, I just shove it right out of my head. Frankly, for the last couple years, C wasn't much of a dominant, anyway. So what's been missing has been missing for longer than just he and I being separated. I'm not real sure that's the answer for me anymore.

*chuckle* The theme of my life lately: "I'm just not sure"

I'm not sure if I want to just end this thing with C now, while I can or if I want to try to repair it. I'm not sure if I want to step back into the work world as a computer geek, go back to school for something else, find a new profession. I'm not sure if I want to stay here or go back to Portland (did I say that out loud?).

I need clarity.

Anyone got any to sell?