So, it's 4am, and I can't sleep. Nothing new there lately. But this is the first time I've actually resorted to taking a xanax so that I can catch a couple hours sleep.

But there's something on my mind that maybe some of the submissives that read this can relate to.

I've been without a dominant for the better part of 4 years now. C was part-time at it, at best, and only when he felt like it, which just further annoyed us both.

Lately, I've found myself being submissive to people I have no business being submissive to, and it's starting to make me feel - bad.

As a writer, I'd like to use a better word than bad there, but I can't find one.

It's not as if I've turned my life over to someone, or I've allowed them a great deal of control over a big part of my life. But it's little things, here and there. Things that - in a committed relationship would make me feel good. But here they just make me feel - bad. Not at first, of course, but over the course of time, when any kind of relationship - be it love, friendship - whatever - starts to be mostly one sided. Eventually it gets to the point where you say to yourself - ugh, have I really let this happen?

Now, I'm a huge advocate of personal responsibility and I realize fully that I have done this to myself. No one is making me feel bad, except me. And I accept that responsibility. And I know that over the next day or two, I need to resolve this situation, and let the other party know how I feel, and that the "easy train" has derailed. (and no, this isn't about sex. I'm talking about a friendship I have with another person who happens to be male - online - playing MMORPGs. I've been "partners" with him for the better part of a year now, and over the course of time, I've found myself giving much more - and especially giving in - than I should)

Anyway. That's why I'm up at 4am, and why I can't sleep, and why I feel - bad.

Old patterns are hard to break. This one needs to be shattered.