Thursday, August 23, 2007

Just Enough

In my early twenties, I met a man named J*(No, I’m not typing his name, I try very hard to leave names out of this blog for a reason). For the next 11 years or so, he and I had an on-again/off-again quasi-relationship that ran as hot and cold as summer and winter in the Midwest. It finally ended for good when I just couldn’t watch him fuck up his life anymore, and I had to let completely go of him.

I bought one of those “20th Century Masters” CDs a couple weeks ago when I was at the store with my mom. Tesla. I love Tesla. I had forgotten how much.

But as I was driving home from my folks’ the next day, and their song “What You Give” started playing, I almost had to pull the car over. Why? Because that song is what brought J* back into my life over and over again. He used to sing it to me.

I don’t really miss him. I can barely picture his face anymore to be honest. But there was a part of me that believed in him so deeply that I wanted him in my life.

J* was not a great boyfriend. As a matter of fact, he sucked hard at relationships. He was one of these kinds of people who will give ‘just enough’ to keep a love interest hanging around. (I almost typed ‘man’ instead of ‘love interest’ but I know there are women who do this, too). If he feared losing me, he’d give me ‘just enough’ to keep that from happening. Never more, never less. Just…enough.

I’ve never personally understood why people do that. If I’m ‘with’ someone, I’m with them, and they are welcome to all of me – good, bad and indifferent.

He’s not the only person I’ve ever met like that. C is very much like that as well. I’m not sure if it’s a protective shell, if it’s pure laziness, or pure fear that keeps people right on that edge of ‘just enough’, but for someone like me who tends to need more than that, it can be infuriating, frustrating and downright exhausting.

I’ll admit that while I’m getting to know someone, I’m not going to fling open the floodgates and let everything wash over them. That’d be silly. But I’m open to disclosing things when asked, and if I’m serious about getting to know someone – or if I have gotten to know them and feel comfortable with them – I’m willing to open that door a little further than ‘just enough’ room to see in.

Maybe that’s the problem – and why I’ve been hurt so often. But I really don’t think it is. I’ve rarely had anything I’ve ‘released’ flung back at me like a rock from a slingshot; more typically it’s that I can seem to see inside someone else’s door that ends up making me blue.

Submitting to someone makes this doubly important in my opinion. I *want to trust. I *need to trust, but how can I if I can’t see far enough to be sure? Gut instinct is wonderful and I rely on it heavily, but sometimes it’s simply not enough. And someone handing me ‘just enough’ to keep me interested without any hint that I’ll get any more is like – well, its just ‘not enough’.

I learned that from J*. I don’t know if that makes all that 20’s-angst worth it or not. But it was ‘just enough’ to make me understand that ‘just enough’ is not enough for the long haul.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Dirty

Note: I had intended to 'finish' this, but it feels finished the way it is.

I knocked lightly at the door, knowing he wouldn't hear it over the running water. I paused, grinning to myself and then opened the door.

He heard that. He peeked out from behind the shower curtain and looked at me.

I was still grinning, standing in the doorway with my white tshirt barely grazing the tops of my thighs and my long hair pulled back tightly in a ponytail. Neither of us spoke for a moment. I was enjoying the tension.

"Did my phone ring or something?" he asked.

"No." I took a few steps into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I was still grinning as I took a few more steps closer to the shower. "I just thought perhaps you'd like to have your cock sucked."

"Now?" He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Well, unless you don't want to." I smirked and turned toward the door.

"That's not at issue." He growled. I heard the curtain open, and I turned back around. His cock had already started to rise. The grin returned to my face as I took another step toward him.

"Well, that's a relief." The smirk still grazed my lips, mostly because I knew it would soon be replaced by something else.

I stepped into the shower, the hot water and steam immediately soaking my shirt. As I slid slowly to my knees, dragging my nails over the wet hair on his chest as I went, I grinned up at him.

"There really isn't any better place for you to be a dirty little tramp than in a hot shower, is there?"

"Nope." I leaned forward and showed him how dirty I could be.

Lament

Anyone who's read here over the last six months knows that I'm struggling with this whole 'dating/do I want to date/do I enjoy dating' thing. While I finally convinced myself (and my mother, ugh) that I'm not dating right now because I'm relatively comfortable with my life as it is (not completely of course), and that it can't be - nor should it be - a top priority for me right now. I have the weight loss (damn near done) and my writing (stuck....) and exercise (going well) and work.... these things really should be my focus, not worrying about 'he didn't call when he said he would I wonder what that means' dating bullshit.

*sigh*

Part of this, too, is that over the last three years since C and I separated, I've been making a relatively detailed internal list of what I want in a potential future partner/lover/friend/whatever. I have certain things that I'm not at all willing to compromise on (and some that I might be), and I wonder if I'm not doing that simply to perpetuate this current state of 'independence' that I have. I'd like to think I'm not, but maybe I really am.

Someone said to me recently, as I was discussing some of the ... atrocious.... emails I get from the couple of personal ads I still have up, that at least I put myself out there and I'm trying.

Am I?

On one site, where I've had an ad for 3 years, I'm guessing I've gotten 500~ emails in that time. I've responded to less than 20, and of those , I'm guessing I sent my email address to maybe 4? 5? And of those? I'll bet I exchanged 5+ emails with 3 of them.

No, I don't know why, except that perhaps - again - I'm just overly picky.

See, here's the thing. I miss having sex more often than every couple months. I miss waking up with someone in the morning with a big grin on my face, just watching them sleep. I miss having someone to curl up on the sofa with and zone out in front of a movie.

It isn't like I don't want those things. Not at all. I just don't know if I want them enough.

Some days, I think I do. Those are the days I go and check my email on the sites and look at the profiles of people who've written. And then other times weeks go by, and I don't even load the sites.

Regardless, thus is the state of my 'love' life. And somehow, I'm all right with that for now.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

MIA

I'm fully well aware of my lack of posting.

I'd like to change that, but for now my time is limited by a million other things that need my attention.

I miss writing here. And I'll be back hopefully sooner, rather than later. I have a couple of half-written posts at home, maybe I'll finish them this week ^..^

Til then, luck and love to you.

"Keep busy. It keeps you out of trouble."

err...damn :(