Lament

Anyone who's read here over the last six months knows that I'm struggling with this whole 'dating/do I want to date/do I enjoy dating' thing. While I finally convinced myself (and my mother, ugh) that I'm not dating right now because I'm relatively comfortable with my life as it is (not completely of course), and that it can't be - nor should it be - a top priority for me right now. I have the weight loss (damn near done) and my writing (stuck....) and exercise (going well) and work.... these things really should be my focus, not worrying about 'he didn't call when he said he would I wonder what that means' dating bullshit.

*sigh*

Part of this, too, is that over the last three years since C and I separated, I've been making a relatively detailed internal list of what I want in a potential future partner/lover/friend/whatever. I have certain things that I'm not at all willing to compromise on (and some that I might be), and I wonder if I'm not doing that simply to perpetuate this current state of 'independence' that I have. I'd like to think I'm not, but maybe I really am.

Someone said to me recently, as I was discussing some of the ... atrocious.... emails I get from the couple of personal ads I still have up, that at least I put myself out there and I'm trying.

Am I?

On one site, where I've had an ad for 3 years, I'm guessing I've gotten 500~ emails in that time. I've responded to less than 20, and of those , I'm guessing I sent my email address to maybe 4? 5? And of those? I'll bet I exchanged 5+ emails with 3 of them.

No, I don't know why, except that perhaps - again - I'm just overly picky.

See, here's the thing. I miss having sex more often than every couple months. I miss waking up with someone in the morning with a big grin on my face, just watching them sleep. I miss having someone to curl up on the sofa with and zone out in front of a movie.

It isn't like I don't want those things. Not at all. I just don't know if I want them enough.

Some days, I think I do. Those are the days I go and check my email on the sites and look at the profiles of people who've written. And then other times weeks go by, and I don't even load the sites.

Regardless, thus is the state of my 'love' life. And somehow, I'm all right with that for now.