Sadness

A week ago Monday, one of my best friends passed away unexpectedly.  Not only had she and I been close for 25 years, but I am the godmother of her two oldest sons and she is the closest thing I have ever had to a sister (including my biological one).

The news of this took awhile to sink in, but once it did, I was devastated.

So, no.  I've not really been in the mood to write much.  I am feeling better but this is not something you just get over. 

Over the years, I've lost three close friends.  One to breast cancer, one to leukemia, and now this one -- they think to an aneurysm.  I haven't heard the final autopsy results yet.  It is never easy, and it is always devastating and it makes you stop -- quickly -- and reconsider your life as it is right now.

There are things that need to happen in my life.

I need to find a way to accept my body the way it is right now -- today -- and stop 'waiting' for when it's 'perfect', which logically I know will never happen.

I need to start taking better care of myself in more ways than just counting calories.

I need to stopping waiting for....everything and anything.

We all need to do these things.

But I need to do them -- now.

And for now, I need to get back to normal, more or less.
Normal, but better.

NCIS Wisdom

This made me laugh out loud:
NCIS Season 4, Episode 22:

"You know, I realize there are three billion men in the world and they don't all have to want me but you should want me."

I'll come back to that when my mood improves.

Wisdom from Odd Places

Piece of Flair on Facebook is the wisdom for the day:


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

Cue The Pulse

For the last two seasons of QaF, they changed the theme song.  I have to admit, I like the second one better.

I'll also be the first to admit that until I looked it up on Google, I couldn't understand what they were saying (singing), and I kind of thought it was "Have the balls to begin."

Turns out, it's "Cue the Pulse to Begin"

I like mine better :( I like the idea of some theme song telling me to get off my ass and have the courage to start my life anew (or a project or a relationship or hell, exercising...whatever)

Anyway, last week, I wrapped up watching the final season of this amazing series.  I was sad.  It did not end the way I expected it to, but it ended well, and I was thrilled with how the writers wrapped everything up neatly...almost. 

This week, I'm watching the final season of The L Word, my other favorite alternative-sexuality series.  I'm not nearly as attached to The L Word as I was QaF. I'm not sure if that's because there are some characters on TLW that I really don't like (and I didn't have that with QaF) or if it's because TLW occasionally hits a little too close to home for me. 

While I'll admit that I was drawn to both of these shows specifically because of their ties to sexuality, if I were watching only for that, I'd have not gotten past season one of either.  It's the relationships here that have drawn me in and held fast.  Each show takes a glaringly honest view at many types of relationships -- serious, not serious, friendships, family...  nearly every possible angle is covered in vibrant detail.  And I applaud Showtime for having the balls (to begin..ha) to air these series. 

I miss QaF, and I will miss TLW when it's over.

Where does a girl have to go now to find a good show centered on, but not focused on, sexuality in the world today?

Missing.

Things I miss about having a regular sex partner:

Waking up in the middle of the night, rolling over and finding a hard cock with my sleepy hand that inspires me to do something about it.

I miss the smell of a man in my house.  I know all the jokes about how men smell, but there is a distinct scent -- pheromones maybe, I don't know -- that I miss when I'm not around a man for a long period of time.

I miss a man's hands.  During sex, of course, but at other times, too.

I miss having a valid reason for wasting razor blades every day.

I miss having an excuse to wear the lingerie I have amassed in the last several years, since I began to be comfortable wearing it again.

I miss rolling over in the morning and running into something besides a stuffed lion, a pillow, or the night stand.

I'm thankful, though, that I haven't rushed into anything --- before, missing those things would make me make rash decisions.  I'm careful now.  It's good to miss things sometimes.  It reminds us to feel.

Feeling is good.
In so many ways ....

Quotes that Hurt

From "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star" by Jenna Jameson:

"For once, I was dating a guy who focused one hundred percent of his attention on me.  I was confident that he loved me and, even better, he allowed me to be in charge.  I learned an important thing about dating; The person who wants the least amount of commitment in a relationship is the one who holds the reins."

This is the book I've had in the car for a couple weeks, and I actually brought it into the house tonight.  I'm close to being done with it, and I'm going to want to finish it when I can really pay it the attention it deserves, rather than 5 minutes at a time in the car. 

The above quote smacked me hard, right between the eyes.  I'm surprised that my glasses are still in tact.  In all but two of the sexual relationships I have had in my life, I have been the one as Jenna says it -- without the reins.

But the fact is, I'm not sure there's anything I can do about that, even going forward.

I was talking to a friend recently about the fact that I was going to finish a book even though I wasn't really enjoying it that much, and the word commitment came up.  I made a commitment to the book, I'm going to finish the book.

There is very little that I do in my life that I do not commit 100% to, and do my damnedest to follow through on.  I don't see that as a negative, though.

I just maybe see it now as a reason that I end up getting slammed.

And not in a happy "fuck me" kind of way, either.

See? Porn stars aren't stupid *grin.

You never know...

...what you're going to dig up in the bottom of dresser drawers.

So, I ordered a couple movies.

Okay, so it was four.  Okay! Fine! Geez!

Then I got to trying to remember if I had anymore stashed in the house, and I remembered seeing a few in my bottom dresser drawer - aka Home of The Lingerie Obsession - so I went to check.

Nina Hartley's Guide to Alternative Sex, which in this case means Swinging, is one that I dug out. I know I have her Anal Sex one around here somewhere too, but I couldn't find it.  I had a few others, but I went ahead and brought this one downstairs and popped it into the DVD player.  I couldn't remember if I ever actually watched it.  I don't even remember when I got it, because it was made in 2006, and C certainly never even wanted to discuss swinging. I'd like to say that it's because he was vehemently monogamous but as I've discovered over the years, that's not the case.

Maybe I bought it after I moved here.  I honestly can't remember.

I have seen it.  I have vague memories of watching it.

I love Nina Hartley.  Like Jenna, she has made a place for herself in this world and runs it on her own terms.  She loves sex, and sexuality, and the science and emotion and mentality behind it (sounds vaguely familiar...).  She's not afraid of it.  She's not afraid to be naked, even at 50+, and is proud of her years in the industry.

Apparently, it's Strong, Unapologetic Sexual Women week at my house.

Thank goodness for that!

Added later: Ooo I remember know.  This DVD isn't all about swinging....we've moved on to part two: anal eroticism...*smirk  

Daytime Porn Reading

I'm really enjoying Jenna Jameson's biography, that I wrote about a few weeks ago.  It's a very frank and graphic look into the adult industry. 

I will admit that at several points in my life, I wondered what it would like to be a porn star.  I've always been a big fan of written and visual erotica, even though right now I can't remember the last time I actually watched a movie or even a snippet of an x rated movie. 

Hm.  Maybe it's time to order some new movies ....

There's all of this literature put out by people who say adult stars have all come from broken homes, abusive homes, childhood trauma....  and Jenna does not seem to be an exception to that, but she has balls.  She owned herself, did not sell out to an agent or manager.  She still does.  And I respect her for that.

I could never do what she does.  Even if I had her body, I seriously doubt I could have fucked on camera that way.  It's something I've often thought about doing on a personal level, with a trusted partner, but it's not a hard-driving fantasy..more of a curiosity.   I think I'd be more comfortable doing it now than I would have five years ago for obvious reasons. And who knows, it might be fun...

I know that many women have serious issues with porn.  Some blame it on feminism (which is bullshit by the way.... women doing what they want to do and being in charge of their own destiny is the text books definition of feminism ffs), some on religion, and some on just plan disgust at such a blatant display of sexuality, which they are terrified of.  I have never had those issues.  I have always enjoyed porn for what it is -- sexual inspiration.  And you know how I love to be inspired....

I do have a few porn DVDs around here, but most of them I left with the ex (figuring he'd need them worse than I would), but there is at least one that I've been meaning to order for awhile, like this one that I mentioned way back in this post in May. (As an aside, the star of this movie is on a new show I started watching last week on VH-1 called Sex Rehab with Dr Drew...).  I also love Nina Hartley's educational videos. Maybe it's time to order a few new ones.

I'm about 2/3 of the way through Jenna's book, and I'm looking forward to the rest of it.  I've never really been a fan of her movies...actually, I don't think I've ever seen one, now that I think about it.  Maybe I'll have to get one of those, too. The book is full of pictures of her.  To be honest, I kind of like her better with the porn star makeup.  She's a beautiful girl through all of that eyeliner and mascara. Her views on sex - inside and outside of the industry - are much like mine in many ways. And I like the fact that she took control, and took some risks, to get what she wanted out of her career.

Now, off to find some sort of visual entertainment to purchase....decisions, decisions.....

At least I know I'll be having a fun night  :)

Sparks

I found a great documentary series on VH-1 Classic yesterday called The Seven Ages of Rock.  I didn't get to see all of it, but I did see 3 or 4 episodes.. one of which featured Stadium Rock, and Bruce Springsteen. I like old Springsteen (Rosalita, Cadillac Ranch), but I'm not a fan of his 80's + music (its all right, I'm just not gaga over it), including the Born in the USA album.  But as I was watching the documentary, and the "Dancing in the Dark" footage, one line in particular, that I've probably heard 4 or 5 thousand times in the last 20 years, struck me enough to jot it down.

"You can't start a fire without a spark."

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  There IS such a thing as bad sex, contrary to what you might be told (usually from people who aren't getting any).  There's also "okay" sex and "good" sex and "great" sex and "out of your fucking mind fabulous" sex.

But I don't believe you can get above "okay" sex if you don't have a decent spark of chemistry with someone.  The hotter the spark, the hotter the fire, so to speak.

There's a lot of components to chemistry.  Physical attraction is one of them, for sure.  I don't deny for one moment that being attracted to someone physically is very important to the heat of that spark.

But for me, that chemistry almost always starts in my head...in building pictures and fantasies in my mind. Those pictures, fantasies, ideas...sparks, if you will...are important to me.  They fuel my writing, they fuel my masturbation material, and they fuel my sexual-charge. They keep me on edge during the day, distracting me from ordinary stuff.  They make me smile for no reason.  They make me wet. 

The last several men I have had relationships with (sexual or serious), I met on line, and built that kind of chemistry with, previous to meeting them in person -- in most cases, before I even saw pictures of them.  I think perhaps part of the reason I'm having trouble with this whole 'dating' thing is that I'm used to - and damn comfortable with - this other way of getting to know someone.

Those sparks are important to me.

And I'm not sure I know how to create it "the old fashioned way".

I mean, I must have done it before.  I did get laid (and quite well, I may add) before I had a computer. 

I just don't remember how.  I'm hoping it's like riding a bicycle (or a cock, for that matter), and it'll come back. And often. *Smirk

QaF Mirros

Queer as Folk, Season 5, Episode 10

Debbie (Sharon Gless), mother of one of the main gay characters, after her son is hurt in an explosion at a club:

"As you know, I've always been a good Catholic girl.  Even though when it comes to gays and abortions, I think they're full of shit"

Me too, Debbie.  Me, too.

Well, okay, maybe not so good, and maybe not so Catholic anymore, but I can still pull off the uniform when I want to.

*grin

Seriously, though, she nailed two of the reasons that I do not believe in organized religion anymore, after having been raised Catholic.

The Secret is knowing what you want ...

One of the books I had in the car in the last month was a book about the Laws of Attraction.  I've read a few books along this line, including The Secret over the last several years.  I find this way of living very attractive (no pun intended) to me, and have managed to put a few of the principles into action in my life (gratitude being the main one) but I've never been able to take that final leap of faith; that asking and waiting to receive.  It's not that I have no faith.  It's not that I don't believe in the principles as they've been explained to me. It's an admirable philosophy that I respect. So that's not the problem.

It's that in the last 7 or 8 years I've become such a control freak that I struggle to let go of it.  I'm working on that.

I watched the movie from The Secret again this weekend, before I started Queer as Folk, The Final Season. And I've been digesting, thinking, reading....

And now, I'm trying to come up with a list of things that I want in my life.

And I'm sucking at it.

No, seriously.  I'm struggling.  Hard.

Because I just don't fucking know. 

I could make countless lists about things I don't want in my life.  That's easy.  You'll note that my Ten Commandments from Friday is almost ALL "Thou Shall Not".  Not too many "Thou Shalls" there.  That concerns me.

I mean, look.  Having experience is great but for fuck's sakes, I'd like to be able to think in terms of the positive, not the negative. 

Can you tell I'm slightly perturbed about this?

For the most part, I have the job I want.  Of course I'd rather be able to write full time but I can't seem to string two sentences of fiction together at all lately so that's not really a consideration until I get that little mess under control again.  I'd like to have new furniture but it's not a high priority.  I'd like to have a new car, but again, there really isn't anything wrong with mine that a new windshield and a bath inside and out wouldn't cure. 

So I'm working on it.  Who'd have ever thought it'd be harder to come up with a list of things that you want in your life?