I've been working like a madwoman on the house this week. Things are finally getting arranged, hung up, put away, thrown away, etc. The computer room now looks more like a room, and less like a storage facility. It's quite a feeling of accomplishment, which I need right now.

I'm working my way through my issues with weight. Slowly. I'm not dieting. I am, however, trying to eat smarter. Not perfectly (diet), but better (non-diet). And I've put the scale away.

I've also been playing too much EQ, and I'm going to try to cut that back. Not because I don't enjoy it, but because I feel guilty for doing it, when there are other things I should be doing.

All progress.

All weekend long, I've been watching episodes of "I Love the 70's" on VH-1. Hilarious. Frightening. Awesome.

Been working, too, on a ds essay. Been reading like a mad woman. (I'm way into Chick Lit these days. I guess, because, it's brainless. I read before I go to bed, and if I read something 'heavy', I think too much to go to sleep).

And how was YOUR week?

Acknowledge


The first step to fixing *anything* is to admit there's something to fix.

I acknowledge that I'm sick of getting winded if I have to make more than 2 trips up and down the stairs. I acknowledge that I got a closet full of clothes I want to wear and can't. I acknowledge that I'm more obsessed with my weight than anyone else (C. has said -- that he has far less problems with it than I do, and vetoed me having my stomach stapled.)

The first step is really figuring OUT the second step. In my case, the second step is to start accepting myself as I am.

So I'm working on that.

And I'm not going to add to the problem, nor am I going to obsessively go back on Atkin's at this point. When I bought groceries, I bought stuff that's low fat or sugar free versions of stuff I usually would buy.

Serious dieting would be like step five. ha ha.

All in all, I had a quiet weekend. Hung some stuff up in the apartment (we've been here 9 months, I guess it's about time) and played some EQ. Cleaned a little. Ran errands this morning. Crap like that.

I'm working on a D/s story in my head. Hopefully, I'll be able to get it written this week. I got an essay swimming around in there, too.

Speaking of which, some of my essays have been translated for a European website. WooT. The guy was very nice, and asked permission for each of the ones he wanted. Pretty cool.

Couple weeks ago, someone emailed me, and told me that a person who USED to be on Strictly D/s took the name (Strictly D/s) and my welcome letter (verbatim) and created a Live Journal community. I put a comment on her web page, and threatened to go to Live Journal with her theft, and it's down now. People who don't have an original thought of their own don't need to go stealing mine. That shit just pisses me off.

Introspective

Okay, so I've been quiet. More introspective than talkative, I guess. I'm thinking a lot about being overweight.

Now, if you're reading this, and you're perfectly happy with your body, good for you. Chances are, you aren't, even if you're what society these days calls "thin" (and I call nearly invisible). I'm not happy being fat. Never have been. But even when I diet, and lose weight, I seem to always find a way to sabotage it. After giving it some serious thought, I decided that before I get all hyped up about getting back on Atkins (went off when I went home for Poppo's funeral), I better find out what's going on in my head.

So I've been doing that. I guess I should be writing about it, because I believe most women (and some men) have issues with their bodies, too.

I'll do that this week.

But right now, I'm going to go play EQ, because I earned it by taking out my trash and paying bills this morning - lol.

Happy Sunday.

Yearn

As of today, C has been gone for 2 months, 7 days. The first two months he was gone didn't phase me much. I kept so busy with stuff around here that while I missed him like crazy, I wasn't really thinking much about the time.

Well now I am.
Damn it.

I've been feeling shitty since yesterday afternoon. Spent most of the time since then laying on the couch. Too much time to think. Gotta get back to "busy" tomorrow.

But, something constructive did come out of the thinking: I realized an important thing. I knew I was going to miss a lot of things when C. left - d/s being one of them. But I realized that it's not as I feared: I don't miss C. telling me what to do - frankly, he doesn't do that very much, anyway. He makes sure I know how he likes things, and I just "handle" it. It's not like I have a chore list or he gives me little jobs to do every day. I don't think I could handle being micro-managed, and I know he couldn't handle having to do it. No - I don't miss a "to do" thing - I miss a "pleasing him" thing. It's a big difference, at least from where I sit.

New Website to See

They're just starting out, but I think it's going to be a great site! Erotic Humilation

I got an email request to use one of my essays, The Art of the Blush, on it, and I gave it. I'm pretty excited to see it get into motion.

Thought you might enjoy.

Fuck you, Tammy Bruce.

I'm absolutely disgusted. Flipping through channels tonight, I watched the tail end of an E! True Hollywood Story about Jenna Jameson, porn actress. For some insane reason, E! felt it necessary to get an opinion from that over-inflated windbag, Tammy Bruce, who basically said that Jenna was a disgrace to women, and had no business bringing children into this world.

Again.

Fucky you, Tammy Bruce.

I'm sick to DEATH of the judgemental people in this country saying that women who work in the adult industry in this country are misguided, mis-informed and naive. While I don't work in the industry per se, I do write erotica, and consider myself to be part of the "adult entertainment" community. I'm not naive. I'm not fucking stupid. And I'm tired of people like Tammy Bruce riding on their high-horses and telling us all we're going to hell.

I did a little research tonight on Ms. Bruce. It seems that in addition to what I already knew about her (she's a flake - can't decide if she's a liberal or a conservative, though she claims conservative), she's got an axe to grind against NOW (and freely admits that it's against Patricia Ireland, who scolded her publically for making a stupid comment during the OJ Simpson debacle), and while I'm no fan of NOW myself (see http://www.thescreamergirl.com/nowsm.htm), and left the organization myself over my D/s tendencies amongst other things, I certainly didn't feel a need to switch political sides over it, (although I no longer call myself a liberal or a conservative), and I certainly don't feel a need to spout off every five minutes about something that's old news.

See, in part, Ms. Bruce and I have similar views. Pro-Choice, pro-gun, pro-death penalty. But it stops there. She and I define the word feminist differently. Evidently, to Ms. Bruce, feminist means "Don't make me look bad.". To me, feminist means "Do what makes you fucking happy, and damn what everyone says women should do." She contradicts herself in a thousand tiny ways in her definition, and it makes me wonder who's feeding her her thoughts these days. For gawd's sakes - the woman supported Dr. Laura and Ronald Regan! Two people that would rather see her lesbian-self incarcerated than living her life to whatever she considers "the fullest".

Ugh.

Okay. Enough politics. Sorry. Had to get that out.

Reality always invades

You might wonder how we got from talking about kink - to talking about the death of my grandfather. It's pretty simple.

It's reality.

My webpage, The Screamer Girl, discusses the realities of BDSM relationships. Common sense approaches to things that get so fucking romanticized. And my real life is what inspired all that. I'm not someone who can "shut off" the whole world so I can "bask in my relationship". Real life is PART of that relationship. Over the years, I've written a series of articles (on the website) about common sense and reality and BDSM. I don't figure my blogger should be any different.

In addition to that, my real life has been pretty hectic this spring. I've put 9000+ miles on my car since April - with 3 trips back home for family stuff. I'm not currently working, so I'm concentrating on other things - my candles/soap business, my writing, my home, my cats - and since my husband is gone right now - at the bottom of the ocean in his cigar tube - D/s tends to take a back seat to these other things.

I have a series of things I want to write about D/s, and will here, as soon as I get caught up from this last trip. I just wanted you all to know the reasons for the change.

Poppo's Sunflowers

Well, you might be wondering where I've been, but you probably figured it out. My Poppo died. I just got back to VA early this morning.

I'll be back to writing about happier things one I catch up on my sleep.

Poppo liked sunflowers. I recently made a candle of a sunflower scent, and named it "Poppo's Sunflowers". It was just a sample, but considering now... I'll be buying a bigger bottle.