There was a time ....

There was a time when a smell -- a word -- a thought -- the way someone looked at me -- or something I caught out of the corner of my eye would spark a sexual fantasy. I would roll that one piece of information around in my head until it started to have a life of it's own, and then I would allow myself to build elaborate sexual scenes around it. And then I would make a note of it, and when I had time to write, I would write a piece of erotica, all based on that one piece of information. I once wrote a 22 page fantasy all from my perception of what I thought a friend of mine from online would wear. My mind was wide open in that time.

I miss that time. I'm working to let myself get back to that time.

As I said the other day, other things have taken precedence in my life lately. Work, mostly. Gaming some. Wallowing in my own sense of indifference as far as most of my life is concerned. (I hate admitting that. I almost didn't.)

I'm trying to get my life simplified and organized. I'm giving stuff away and trying to decide what I have that I *need* and what I have *just to have it*. I'm trying to do that with all areas of my life.

Now that I've started to strip things away, I'm hoping to have more room for my imagination to roam in. I'm taking down fences that I've put up over the last few years. I don't build walls, typically. I build fences. Fences can be jumped, if someone is motivated enough. I've tried to walk through walls. It hurts.

And yes, I do realize that I just spent two posts waxing not-so-poetically about what my allowing myself to get back to writing erotica may or may not have meant to past, present or future relationships.

But here's the thing: This is who I am. I may not be Screamer anymore and I may not be a Mrs and I may not be little miss fucking perfect, but I am a writer and I need to write.

I have to wonder if my desire to write fantasy (not sexual fantasy....fantasy as in Sci-Fi/Fantasy) subconsciously but a hold on the erotica. Maybe I didn't think I could do both. Maybe I thought to be taken seriously as a writer I had to write other things. Maybe a part of me still does.

But taken seriously or not, I'm not going to turn my back on a genre that has allowed me such creative freedom; allowed me to publish an entire book of poetry and numerous fiction stories and non-fiction articles in magazines; allowed me a certain amount of notoriety in a community filled with notable people. Especially when that genre is where I feel at home.

I still want to write fantasy. And I will.

But if I did indeed shut out erotica in favor of something else (and I'm not sure I did, just possible), it was the wrong approach if my aim was to Keep writing. Because I did not keep writing. I parked my ass in the living room and watched TV. This is not the way to write.

And now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to do some brainstorming and let my imagination run again.

And another thing....

There was another thing that came out of the conversation mentioned in the previous post. I was talking about how I think my in-your-face sexuality has impacted my past relationships, and as I was typing, it occurred to me that there may be yet another side effect.

Can being the "sexy" girl or the "fun girl" preclude me being THE girl? Does it keep me from being taken seriously as someone to have an important relationship with? Do people get to know me "as the chick who loves sex" and then stop looking any deeper? Fun for awhile but not for a long term thing? Is it perceived, since it's so up front with me, that that's all I am or all I want?

I'm pretty sure that it's not. But it did cross my mind and it definitely was worth exploring for a short time.

I think I'm done, though. I would never speak ill of being called fun or sexy. These are traits I am happy to wear the title of. And if someone looks at me, and all they see is sex, then it's their eyes that need adjusted, not my sexy, fun attitude ~

And just to prove my point, here's a gratuitous, pointless but sexy and fun picture

This is just how I roll.

Too Much of a Good Thing...maybe

Even though I haven't been writing much lately, I have been thinking. I am always thinking. Sometimes, it would be nice to be able to shut that off, but since that's not going to happen anytime soon, I have learned to embrace my thoughtfulness.

It occurred to me awhile back to think about how I affect the people around me. If you've read anything in this blog, you'll know that I am very interested in sex -- they psychological, the physical, the emotional -- I read it. I talk it. I write it. I do it (well, I do it with someone else when I can *grin*). I recently sorted through my books, and pulled out all of the ones that I won't read again to give away (all of the library appropriate books will go to the library up by my folks and the non-library appropriate ones will go to the used bookstore...), and almost half of those books that will be leaving my home are about sex. Some fiction, a LOT of non-fiction. But that's a lot of books. The subjects are varied...but probably half of those going away are about BDSM books that I have been collecting for many, many years.

Anyway.

I do have a deep-seated interested in all things sexual and I wondered to a friend yesterday if that was perhaps intimidating to other people that I may be sleeping with. As he *is* someone that I've slept with, he had his own answer for this: Sometimes.

I'll admit that it stung. Not because I didn't expect it, because I did. But because knowing it was true was different.

My obsession with all things sexual started a very long time ago. In high school, I think, when I ran across a copy of the book Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) by David Reuben



This book fascinated me. (Actually, having written that, I just ordered a used copy of the revised edition from 1999 from Amazon). At 16, having grown up in a very Catholic family in a family small town in a Midwestern state, this book discussed things that not only had I not HEARD of, but that someone tweaked me in such a way that I started masturbating even more than I had been before that, and my fantasy life suddenly came to life.








From there, it just grew. One couple I babysat for had a copy of The Joy of Sex. While the drawings in the book were odd to me, the information contained inside those covers continued my fascination. Fed me. Propelled me to look for more to look for more...and more ... and more....

Other people I babysat for had actual porn novels. And Frederick's catalogs from when the pictures were mostly drawn, not photographed (they were old catalogs).

It hasn't really stopped. Ever. I guess you could say I never really settled down.

All of this writing about sex and talking about sex certainly was never intended to make anyone feel intimidated...not even a little. I guess I can understand it though. The same friend and I play an online game together. He is considerably better at many things in that game than I am, and I often feel intimidated when trying something new with him around me.

But it still bothers me that indeed - my captivation with sex may have caused issues in my past relationships, too.

I think that my past, having participated heavily in the BDSM community for a number of years and having been published many times in that genre also intimidates potential playmates. That bothers me, too.

But to be honest, these are not things I can change. Could I hide my interest in all things sex and kink, and pretend to be a shy, vanilla girl? Sure. But how long do you think that would really last? And it's dishonest. It doesn't work. It will never work.

I am okay with who I am in this.

And I'm pretty sure that it's never ended a relationship that didn't need to be over, nor do I think it has prevented a relationship that was meant to be. But it does give me pause, and makes me wonder if I don't need to tone it down a little bit until people get to know me VERY well.

Where the Links Lead You...

While looking for links to include in this post, I followed a couple of links that led me to interesting places.




This DVD caught my eye firstly, and I've bookmarked a site to order it from. I love educational sex videos. Whether they are campy or truly educational, I find them immensely entertaining. And isn't that what porn is supposed to be? Entertaining? Okay, okay...it's supposed to be other things too... *smirk* But y'all know my interest in rough sex (more on that later), so this one really caught my eye. Hopefully it won't be disappointing.

But I also came across this site , and in particular this link . I'm pretty sure "rough" in the title of this particular article does not refer to rough the way I was searching for, but more as in "not streamlined". That's fine. It was an interesting read anyway.

This line, in particular, caught my attention: "So if our secret fantasies are not mental rehearsals for something that we actually plan to do, what on earth are they, and what are they saying about ourselves?"

Quite right, "Even Happier", quite right.

There are many fantasies I have had throughout the years that I have absolutely NO desire to act out outside of my dirty little mind. Some, I don't even share with other people -- not because I'm ashamed, but because I do not want to have them misconstrued -- as in "she wants to do WHAT?"

What happens in "Jill's Mind" should sometimes stay in "Jill's Mind".

Yours, too. It's all right. Really it is.

For some reason, men seem to have a harder time sharing their sexual fantasies (this is my experience...it's all I got ya know) with the women they are sexual with. I don't know if it's because they don't want to make us insecure, or if they, too, want to keep them as masturbatory fodder rather than take a chance on them actually being brought to fruition. Or maybe other reasons. But if you say to me "I have no sexual fantasies" have no doubt...I *am* going to call you a liar.

I can't speak for all women, but I can say that I do like to hear about the fantasies of my sex partner. Please feel free to preface it with "I don't want to do this in real life but the thought of ..... makes me cum so fast when I jack off..." and know that I will listen and take you seriously. If you don't say that...well, maybe I will see about trying to make it come true *smirk*

Back to the quote...yes, I did get off track. Did you miss me? lol

"what are they saying about ourselves"

They're saying we like sex. They're saying that maybe there are parts of us still unexplored that should be explored. They're saying that we are healthy of mind, because we want sex and we want to enjoy sex -- and in our minds, at least, we know that sex is not bad.

I honestly believe that unless you are fantasizing about sex with people or animals that cannot consent to having sex with you (which do fall under the "I don't really want to do this" section...right? RIGHT?) --- or unless you are fantasizing about causing harm to another person or yourself (not hurt. harm. hurt can be fun...), whatever lives in your mind is fine. I think we judge ourselves much more harshly than the normal every day red-blooded human being would judge us.

We honestly need to cut ourselves some slack.

I have scissors.....

Letting go of what was

I gave up thescreamergirl.com last year. Just let it go. It was sad for me, in a way, but in all honesty, the website had a great run and had it's run at popularity and fun.

I don't think of myself as The Screamer Girl anymore. She was me, 100%, but I haven't participated in the BDSM community for many years. No conferences, no local groups, no active writing and teaching. I get a hankering for it once in awhile, and I still have a very active interest and fantasy life in BDSM but I don't do much as far as participation anymore. Some days I'm fine with that. On a rare day, I'm not. I don't think I'll ever be Screamer again. But having it - the d/s part anyway - in my life on an occasional basis would be very good for me.

In the last six months, I've written no erotica. My mind has been occupied with many other things. Gaming, work...work has gotten much busier and stressful... my grandmother passed away.... trying to get divorced (well, I would be if I could find the other party in the case ...). Most of my attention been focused decidedly OFF the areas of my brain that drive my sexual imagination, and besides a few very nice days with a friend who pushes the right buttons, it's been off the physical side of my sexuality as well.

*sigh* I miss it. I am hoping that starting to write here --- to express myself in this manner --- to think about sex, talk about sex --- will fire me back up. Actually, it already sort of has.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste (god, I'm quoting tshirts now ...).

I'm tired of wasting mine.

Educational yet Fun

I fired up my Netflix account again recently. TV is less and less appealing to me lately so I've been surfing the Netflix site looking for things that interest me.

In addition to "The L Word" and "Big Love" and such, I surfed through the documentary section and came across this little gem:



Inside Deep Throat

I got it, mostly out of a sense of curiosity, but I ended up really enjoying it. In addition to the legal battles "Deep Throat" had to go through, there was quite a bit of information about the "Sexual Revolution" of the 70's, which is a subject I always enjoy hearing about. There was an endearing elderly woman, speaking to a news camera (clip inside the movie) and she said "I liked it. I wanted to see
a dirty picture and that's what I saw. But I want the right to see that picture.
I don't want somebody telling me that I can't see a dirty picture." I loved that quote.

The director of the movie (which I actually did see, many many years ago) says that he was hoping at some point the XRated movie industry and the regular movie industry would merge and work together.

Yea, that'll never happen. It's a nice dream, and let's face it -- it would be good in some ways if sex were more accessible to more people without having to hide or go to 'the wrong side of town' to find movies (or, I guess now...it's mostly on the internet huh..).

But in other ways? It'll never happen because the porn industry will not let it happen. Are you kidding? A very big part of the appeal of pornography is that it's dirty and forbidden. If it were mainstream, the participants would not make near the money that they do, nor would they have the notoriety that they do. They'd be forced to have plotlines. And just like every thing else, regulation would kick in, and it the good porn would only be available - again - in a dirty and forbidden place.

It's a nice ideal to have though -- to want people to feel the freedom that *you* want to feel where your sexuality is concerned. I know that while I feel a great deal of freedom in my own, I always reach for and crave more. Even me -- little miss open and honest -- yea, there are some things that occur to me, come to me, fascinate me... that I just don't write about or talk about. Not that I can't. Not that I shouldn't. I just don't.

The movie was good, though, and I highly recommend it if you're interested in that sort of thing.

From Netflix, I also got Thinking XXX

















This was a documentary about the making of a photo book that pictures porn stars in their street clothes, and naked. I got it mostly because Nina Hartley is in it, and I like her very much (her instructional videos, especially her guide to Oral Sex and the guide to Anal Sex. They contain actual sex scenes as well as instruction and they are wonderful.) I was pleasantly impressed by it, and it turned out to be a very good watch.

Again, porn interests me. Not just actually watching it, but the psychology that is involved in both the people who act in it and the people who produce it and the people who buy it. It's interesting to hear the stories and I was very happy to see that he not only shot the young stars...but the middle aged stars and some older stars as well. The concept of the book is very cool.

What's in from Netflix right now? Bliss, Season 1 and the first disk of Swingtown Season 1, which may or may not be good. It's a good concept. We'll see if it carries through.

And yes, there are some normal shows in my queue, too. I've seen the first two seasons of Weeds, and the first season of "How I Met Your Mother". So I'm not completely wrapped up in sex.

Not right now anyway.

*Achoo*

Sorry. The dust got me.

I've been thinking about this blog a lot lately. Wondering if I shouldn't delete it and start over, or at the very least, go back and delete some of the nonsense I've written.

But you know what? It's not nonsense. Not at all.

John Mayer has a new song out called "Say".(I'm not a John Mayer fan, btw. Dude is weird if you ask me.) There isn't much to the lyrics, but there is a lot of him singing "Say what you need to say".

That's what I have always tried to do here. Say what I needed to say. And while there was at times some significant editing going on (to protect the innocent or the guilty, your choice), I've typically found a way around that to get to the heart of the matter, in one way or another.

I hate editing myself. I do so much of it -- around my folks or around people at work. I absolutely hate the idea of doing it in my writing.

So as of right now, I have no intention of closing this blog to start another, nor do I have any immediate plans delete any posts. I may start a PG rated blog at some point, for those times when I don't necessarily want to write about sex. (That way, some of my other friends could read it lol) If I do, I'll link it here for the people who are insistent about not missing anything.

Don't think I'll be linking this one to that though *grin* Because the intent of this blog remains the same.

Now if I can just make myself write more often .... Who wants to crack the whip? :)