There was a time ....

There was a time when a smell -- a word -- a thought -- the way someone looked at me -- or something I caught out of the corner of my eye would spark a sexual fantasy. I would roll that one piece of information around in my head until it started to have a life of it's own, and then I would allow myself to build elaborate sexual scenes around it. And then I would make a note of it, and when I had time to write, I would write a piece of erotica, all based on that one piece of information. I once wrote a 22 page fantasy all from my perception of what I thought a friend of mine from online would wear. My mind was wide open in that time.

I miss that time. I'm working to let myself get back to that time.

As I said the other day, other things have taken precedence in my life lately. Work, mostly. Gaming some. Wallowing in my own sense of indifference as far as most of my life is concerned. (I hate admitting that. I almost didn't.)

I'm trying to get my life simplified and organized. I'm giving stuff away and trying to decide what I have that I *need* and what I have *just to have it*. I'm trying to do that with all areas of my life.

Now that I've started to strip things away, I'm hoping to have more room for my imagination to roam in. I'm taking down fences that I've put up over the last few years. I don't build walls, typically. I build fences. Fences can be jumped, if someone is motivated enough. I've tried to walk through walls. It hurts.

And yes, I do realize that I just spent two posts waxing not-so-poetically about what my allowing myself to get back to writing erotica may or may not have meant to past, present or future relationships.

But here's the thing: This is who I am. I may not be Screamer anymore and I may not be a Mrs and I may not be little miss fucking perfect, but I am a writer and I need to write.

I have to wonder if my desire to write fantasy (not sexual fantasy....fantasy as in Sci-Fi/Fantasy) subconsciously but a hold on the erotica. Maybe I didn't think I could do both. Maybe I thought to be taken seriously as a writer I had to write other things. Maybe a part of me still does.

But taken seriously or not, I'm not going to turn my back on a genre that has allowed me such creative freedom; allowed me to publish an entire book of poetry and numerous fiction stories and non-fiction articles in magazines; allowed me a certain amount of notoriety in a community filled with notable people. Especially when that genre is where I feel at home.

I still want to write fantasy. And I will.

But if I did indeed shut out erotica in favor of something else (and I'm not sure I did, just possible), it was the wrong approach if my aim was to Keep writing. Because I did not keep writing. I parked my ass in the living room and watched TV. This is not the way to write.

And now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to do some brainstorming and let my imagination run again.