Mirrors Suck

So, it took me about a year to lose 10 pounds. Maybe 15. I honestly don't know. I put the scale away last November and I've only had it out once since then. I spent way too much energy trying to please a piece of electronic gadgetry and it had to come to and end. I know depend more on my clothes and how I feel to know how I'm doing.

But even with all that, I still don't see things accurately in the mirror. I still feel much bigger than I (apparently) am. It affects my sense of self some days. Some days are better than others.

I mentioned to a friend of mine the other day that I had considered going to get another fill in the band. He gently (well, maybe not so gently) pointed out to me that a fill isn't probably going to help me anymore because I am already limiting my calorie intake every day. He's right of course (and will be smirking to read that, I'm sure) but I am frustrated because I'm not losing weight anymore, and I still feel, on most days, like I need to.

Self-perception has never been my strong suit. 4 years ago, before I was banded, I would have been absolutely thrilled to be at the weight I am now. But now that I'm here, I feel like I want to lose some more before I'm really finished.

Still, all in all, I notice little things that do give me more boosts. I am much more comfortable in some of my clothes (especially things that are a little sexier, or lingerie. Even some of my panties fit now like they should, rather than 'they fit').

And all of that goes a long way to making me feel sexier, and building confidence. I am, most assuredly, better than I was, even six months ago. But there is more room for growth (emotionally only please!) and I am always striving for more and better.

Feeling sexy is important to me. Considering my fascination with all things sexual, this makes sense. Sexy is not all physical. Sexy is also mental, and emotional and as I express myself in different ways, I feel the mental parts of me getting more in tune with the physical.

I feel that I have made huge strides in these areas. But again, the mirror lies to me on most days. It is good to hear from people that are not my family, that I am not as big as my mind thinks I am. It cannot cure me, but it does help, because it forces me to *look*.

I like to look.
Do you?