Let's Define Open, Shall We?

I'm pretty open. I don't hold a lot back when I'm talking about sex, my family, my job. I go to my friends with an open heart and am rewarded time after time for it.

I have said repeatedly, and I believed whole-heartedly that I have kept my heart open as far as more serious kind of relationships are concerned.

And I still believe it. But I don't think the definition of it is the same right now.

It's no secret that my last serious relationship ended because my ex wanted out. He wanted to lose his responsibilities (including me) , and as much as I tried to make it better, it ended badly. It's all right though, that part -- I'm over.

But that relationship was just one in a line of relationships that ended unfavorably, and to be honest, my soul is pretty bruised up still now. I'm sure that's why I haven't worked very hard at meeting new people, men included.

I am open to meeting someone, but I am not very willing to put myself out there first. I have avoided that purposefully. So while I am open, it seems to be entry only. I can think of only two times I've attempted to put myself out there in the last 5 years and neither experience ended the way I'd have liked it to. I'd like to say that it hasn't affected me, and that I continue to strive to be open in both directions, but I'm not sure that's the case.

Okay, I'm trying to strive.

Now, keeping in mind that I am emotionally driven person, I am also a logic driven person. It's a constant battle in my head most of the time, and I find that if I do not react to something almost immediately in an emotional way, I likely won't do it at all. Logic will take over. Logic will win. Most of the time.

Obviously, all of this affects my sex life. I'd likely be having a lot more of it if I were more willing to step outside of my safe little corral here. I have always said that for sex to mean something to me, it has to be with someone that I have a rapport with; a friendship, a flirtation, something. I used to make those kinds of connections easily, but anymore, I find myself a lot more cautious than I used to be. Occasionally, I am reminded why... but mostly it's because I don't try.

Part of the reason I have started writing again is because since I haven't been, I've kept so much locked up. I need to let it out, discuss it, lament it --- so that I can move onto the next thing and start fixing some of these little annoyances and get ON with it.