Suffer

"I've done wrong, and I want to suffer for my sins." Criminal, Fiona Apple

I once had a man, who may perhaps be a dominant someday, say to me -- "Suffer for me. It's strangely arousing."

Frankly, I found the sentiment of that phrase strangely arousing myself and it stuck in my mind for a very long time afterward.

What about suffering is arousing? Why do so many submissive women look forward to being put into awkward, often painful situations? Why is it that the more we suffer, the more submissive we think we become?

Is it pride? love? fear? What's the motivation? If we suffer enough, it proves our devotion and/or love? It shows we are not afraid?

Not that it matters, of course. It's the simple fact that it gets us off that is enough.

I miss being challenged in that regard. I miss being challenged, period.

Lazy

I've gotten very lazy about my hair :(

It's up in a ponytail nearly every day. Sunday was the first day I wore it down in I dunno how long.

I used to say that I didn't grow my hair this long to wear it up all the time. I guess that means I gotta start investing a bit more time in it *grin*

People always ask me if I'm going to cut it.

Hell, no~

Take it

So I'm sitting here this morning, frustrated, because I have a great desire to write and nothing to write about.

So I'm considering things. And I'm wondering why it always seems so much easier to be free and creative when someone draws an image in my mind; why I can't seem to do that for myself.

Over the last few years, my submission is much less about giving it up to someone , and much more about making them work at it - take it, if you will. That's what sets me off. Not being little Miss Meek kneeling in the middle of a room of my own free will for whatever he (whoever HE is) feels like doing. It's not about waiting for things to happen to me; it's about being MADE to wait.

Make any sense? Yea, not so much to me either sometimes, but that's how it feels.

Dare to...

.. to what? be myself?

You know, I keep two bloggers these days. This one, and one over at Yahoo that's a little more...politically correct I suppose. It's also the one that's hooked to some of my EverQuest friends, specifically some that I met in Philly in August. I wouldn't dare talk about half the things I've rambled on and on about in the last nearly 4 years here.

But I dunno why not.

I mean, this *is* me. I *am* the kinky little bitch who likes a good spankin' sometimes, and enjoys the feel of rope or cuffs around her wrists and ankles /shrug. This *is* me. I've bled for a man who wanted to make me bleed. I've cried. I've cum. And I've enjoyed every minute (ok, not so much every minute, I'm not a masochist) of it.

Okay, so I still dunno. It's probably got a lot to do with propriety, and the way I was raised. It's also probably got to do with the fact that - just because this *is* me, and how I am, doesn't mean everyone *wants* to know about it, and I'd rather they asked than me parading it around.

This all comes up this morning for a reason. And it's kind of a dumb reason so I hesitate to share it at all, but it's probably good for me to write about it.

Last spring, when I ended a year + long relationship with an EQ partner, I almost quit the game (again). Something kept me there, tho. After about a month, I started flirting with another guy - a safe guy, who lives in England - wayyyyyy far away from me (lol). Now, that was about six months ago.

I've been very open with him (he even knows I write BDSM erotica, tho it certainly freaked him a bit), and he hasn't been very open with me. As a matter of fact, right before I left for VA in September, he started talking about "blurring the lines" between the game and reality, and sometimes he "had to remember that I'm actually 4K miles away". But since I got back... he's been quiet, withdrawn from me. He always says hello and never says goodnight anymore. /shrug It's just gotten weird, I guess and it's bummed me out.

I mean, okay - look - he's as vanilla as they come and is not a good "partner" for me. Remember me talking about settling yesterday? Yea, this is kind of where that came form. It's not like I'm in anything more than "like" with this guy. It's an affectionate friendship, and it's not any kind of cybor-passions thing - it's just cute and fun. So, why would it bother me so much when he doesn't say goodnight for a week in a row? /eyeroll.

Maybe because EQ has - once again - become WAY too much of a focus in my life, and I need to back off it - again.

I'm sure that's it *laugh*

Today's Horoscope

(I am an Aquarius)

Quickie:
Instead of wasting time trying to encourage someone to grow up, go on without them

Nice timing on that /wink.

Are you wondering?

... where the bdsm writing went?
Me too.

I'm really starting to get settled into the new place, though, so hopefully it'll make a triumphant return soon. It's not that it hasn't been on my mind, cause it has. It just hasn't been prevelant enough for me to sit down and write.

This kinda goes along with the settling I wrote about earlier. For awhile, I had actually set d/s aside and thought - maybe what I need is just a good vanilla man to date.

Ya know, in theroy, that's good but the reality of it is that I'm not going to settle for only part of what fulfills me anymore. I want the whole thing. Even if it's on a part time basis. Even if it's just a casual relationship. It's something that's been missing in my life for WAY too long, and something I'd really like to reclaim.

So, as I traverse the hidden paths to get back to it - come along for the ride.

Settle

For me, settling means two things today.

#1 - I really feel like I'm starting to settle into my new place. Which is good. Because I intend to make it actually "home" - not just a place to sleep as my last apartment was.

and #2 - I realized on the long-ass drive yesterday to Muscatine and back that I've been settling far too much in life.

I tried to remember the last time a man had to pursue me at all. Too many years ago.

I don't think I'm the dating type. Or maybe I should be. My life has been a trial of serial monogamy, I guess. I've gone from one relationship to the next, not really taking time between to decide what I wanted - and not really looking at the man to see if he was what I wanted and could give me what I want.

Ya, that shit's gotta end now.

I firmly stated again yesterday to my family that there are NO intentions in my head of ever getting married again. That's not to say I'm radically against marriage; it's just to say that I'm not looking for it, nor do I want it. Not now. Not for a very long time.

I'm also not crazy about sharing my space full time with someone. I've got all this space now; I want to be selfish with it.

I'm not entirely sure I even want to date.

Maybe. Soon. If....

/shrug

All I really do know is that this time, I'm not going to settle for the first person who comes along and fits "some" of the criteria of what I expect in a mate. Nope. He better fit ALL or MOST of it if he wants somma this~

HA!

Themes

Growing up, every room in my mom's house had a theme. Actually, they all still do in her house. And most of mine, too. My bedroom is done in Arthurian Legend art and Celtic accents. My kitchen is all in red. My bathroom contains a large amount of dragonflies. The office is done in magic.... (Merlin, dragons, etc)

But now that I have two living rooms, I wasn't sure what to do with my comfy living room space in the basement.

Well, til yesterday.

Several years ago, my mom bought a counted cross stich HD Bar and Shield project for my ex, Mark. Last year, I found it, and gave it to my aunt who actually works on those things, and yesterday, I got it back. It's absolutley stunning, and I now have my theme :)

I spent a great deal of time in my late-teens, early twenties on the backs of motorcycles, and again in my thirties, with Mark. In 4 years, we put well over 35K miles on the 97 FLSTS he bought, and those are some of my happiest memories - oh, not of him - he's a jackass - but of the bike, the road - the trips cross country.

Seems fitting that I do my "comfy" space in something that makes me happy.

wtf drama queens

I don't get it.

I've been online in one form or another for over 13 years. I guess, in that time, I should have come to know and understand the Drama Queen mentality. But I don't.

In an arena - such as chat, or online games - that's supposed to be fun - that you pay to be entertained by - the last thing I want to deal with is someone else's headcases or nerousii. I pay to have fun, not try to decipher their "mental breakdown of the week".

And you know what? It's not always women. The Queen is just as often a male. Scary, huh.

There are a few theroies about why these people exist and act as they do:

- their own real lives are so dull that they have to use any online environment available to them to stir up trouble so they can feel part of something.

- their need for attention is so great that they can't get it filled in their real lives, and they use online to get that attention - good or bad - that they seem to be missing. Narcisstic, if you will.

- they just can't help it. They were born a Queen and will die a Queen.

I'm not sure if I buy any of them - or all of them - on any given day.

All I know is that when I pay fifteen bucks a month to play an online game, I'm not paying to deal with someone else's mental deficiencies. And when it gets to the point that I avoid playing the game I pay 15 bucks a month to play because I don't want to deal with someone else's actions, it's time to re-evaluate playing it at all.

Be gone, you social vampires. I have had it up to *here* with you.

What's mine is.....mine.

Somewhere back in the fall of 1999, I got my clit hood pierced.

I did this as a sign of independence from a 5 year relationship that had emotionally and mentally drained me for the most part (though it also gave me my three step daughters, so there were good parts, too), with a man who was more emotionally unstable than anyone I have yet to meet since. This was a d/s relationship - he was the "dominant" (quotes because I can't say it with a straight face). When I finally left him (well, he didn't really leave me a choice in the end, but it was my decision to walk away), I needed to find something to take back posession of myself.

So, I got my hood pierced.

The little ring with the lapis luzil bead has been there since. Well, til now.

Yup, I took it out. Maybe as a move of independence from yet another relationship that's left me feeling mostly drained (in a different way). But I took it out all the same.

To have strength, you just have to believe that you do. And I believe

Collected

Over the last 13 years, I have amassed quiet a collection of bdsm paraphenalia. Mostly toys right now - the clothes/boots/shoes I had are mostly too big for me now. I brought the last bit of them home from Virginia on this last trip. It was mostly the "stand up" stuff: canes, crops, spreader bars, the like. My violet wand also came home, though I'll likely sell that as I do not enjoy using it or having it used on me.

So now that I have this rather large collection (once estimated at about five thousand dollars in value) in my possession and - no real drive to find someone to use it. Not now, at least. Not until I finish "settling in" to my future life as a twice divorced woman, looking for some fulfillment without any kind of ring on my finger.

Yup, I said it. And as of right now, I mean it too. I have absolutely no desire to be married again. I've spent the last two years living alone - a record for me, really - and as lonely as it gets sometimes, I can truthfully say I have no desire to share my personal space with another person right now.

I thought for awhile - when it first occured to me that I felt that way - that it was bitterness, but it's not. It's a choice, a preference. A lover would be nice. A lover who was a competent dominant would be a huge bonus. But more than that? No, not now.

((And here's a hint for the ladies: if you feel that way, don't put it in any kind of profile. No matter how many times you say "no married men" after they read "no commitment" they consider you fair game. Really. Guys, take a hint: no married men means - no married men.))

So for now, the collection collects nothing but dust.

Maybe eventually, I'll be settled enough to look. But right now, if it doesn't fall into my lap... it's not gonna happen.

Search for a muse

(short note: I'm started keeping a rather vanilla blog on Yahoo 360. I dunno why. But if you happen to read both, this one will be the more graphic of the two /wink)

I feel actually very settled lately, despite some odd tumultuous things happening around me.

And that means, my mind is buzzing, because I want to write.

I have been blessed in the past with four muses. Two of them were my exes, but two of them were men I had no physical relationship with. The first of them inspired 75% of my book of poetry. The other - a grouping of six stories written nearly two years ago now - six of my best.

None of them are available to me anymore, and so the time has come to open myself up to the possibility of a new muse.

I'm not sure why I write better when I am inspired by every day conversation, but I do. The smallest hint of an attitude; the shortest phrase; the quietest hint of laughter - these things can inspire pages and pages of writing to come pouring out of me.

So what does a muse do?

Nothing, really. I mean, in it's most basic terms, a muse inspires. I couldn't choose someone for a muse that didn't inspire me in one way or another. And believe it or not, having your dominant for your muse is not clever; you write for him, then - and not for yourself - and that's counterproductive to having a muse. (Tried that, twice. While I did some good writing during those periods, none of it was for me - it was all for them)

So, anyway.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm moving.

I need to get closer to work before the snow starts flying. No way am I doing that drive in the blizzards again this year.

I looked a duplex yesterday that I really liked. I filled out the app, am just waiting to hear now. It's not perfect, but it's spacious and it will feel more like a home than the little 2 bedroom apartment I have now. There's tons of room to move around in, and I think it'll be a good deal. No sliding doors for the kitties, but a ton of windows and good light.

I'm ready to move. I need a fresh start. The 2 years I lived in my apartment were separation years. With the divorce nearly done, I need to start clean. Make a place *mine*

It's time to get back to myself. Or, find myself. Or invent myself. I haven't quite decided yet

Terms of Endearment

Have you ever noticed....that changing or removing one letter from a term of endearment that you would use for a lover changes that same term into something you'd use for a friend?

Darling becomes darlin

Baby becomes babe

If you take ey of honey and use hon - it becomes a universal term.

I use darlin a lot in reference to close friends. I would never call the same people darling, it just wouldn't be right.

When you first get into a relationship, babe seems appropriate where baby does not. When you've been with someone awhile, baby seems to capture intimacy you've developed.

And maybe that's what this is. Intimacy.

It's all right to call someone darlin - it's flip and it's casual. Darling, however, speaks of a loving relationship with someone. Same with baby.

See, when you have a 45-60 minute commute each way to work, you have way too much time to ponder the English language and our usage thereof.

Ah, well. That's all over soon - I think I found a duplex in town where I work!