Changes

Change is good. Even when sometimes it doesn't feel like it at the time, in the end it's almost always for the better.

And then some changes are good right away.

As I've written about here, at the end of May I got back into my "slightly obsessive diet and fitness program". I've been struggling for most of that time, not with keeping on it (typically when I set my mind to something like this, I don't have trouble keeping with it), but with not getting too nuts about it. I've lost over 12 pounds, which surpasses my "first" goal of 11 pounds, and I've got 10.4 pounds left to my "Normal BMI" goal.

While the scale hasn't been moving as much as I'd like (average of 3 pounds per month), I have noticed some definite changes in my body. I can actually feel my hip bones standing up. I look even more "deflated" than I have before (and my desire for the plastic surgery has returned) and my bra size has gone from a DD to a D. My face looks a little more even, too. And laying down, things feel much more 'normal' to me than they've felt before. This is all good.

Change is good.

When I feel good physically - when my body is healthy (fiber, protein, vitamins GO) and I can see and get the mental buzz from the effort I have put into getting healthier - my sex drive increases. I think nearly everyone is like that. The better you feel, physically and mentally, the more confidence you have - the sexier you feel.

Right? RIGHT!

Now if I can just stay with it for another 10 pounds, and if I could wrap my mind around tossing my Marlboro Lights for good, life would be really sweet.

Bootstraps

I was reading some of my posts from this summer, and I kid you not, I thought I was reading someone's else's words.

I am not that person. I am not someone who wallows in unhappiness. I am not someone who enjoys being unhappy or stays in a place of disarray on purpose.

I am not that girl.

While I'll admit that some outside factors - some nice stuff in other areas - have adjusted my outlook today, I still don't know why I stayed in that funk for as long as I did.

My bootstraps, they're picked up now.

Your bootstraps? Pick them up too if they're down a bit. There's nothing good that comes from feeling like shit.

House Full of Reasons

Tonight, while screwing around with my Facebook (yes I have one and myspace too shut up), I was digging around on an application called "iLike", which has music and videos and such. Always, when I find one of these, I put in a couple of artists that aren't really very popular though they consistently turn out music that I love. One of those is Jude Cole.

I was pleased to find a page for him. Very pleased. I have all of his CDs, but I clicked on a song to listen to while I messed around with something else, and one caught my eye that I really wanted to hear. "House Full of Reasons" from Jude's CD "A View from 3rd Street"

Huh.

This has been a "House Full of Reasons" around here lately, too. I think I've thrown away more ticket stubs (plane tickets, movie tickets, receipts...) and t shirts... I even put away my most prized Harley thermal shirt from Atascadero, California (one of my first after M got the bike) to give to my mom. Honestly, the shirt is way too big and my mom has always coveted it (along with my jacket which I am not quite ready to part with). I don't for a minute think that any of this has been conscious. But it's definitely been happening and I am neither worse or sad for it. I even pulled a frame out of the closet that my mom made for C and I when we got married, and I'm giving it back to her so she can re-use the frame for something else.

I've said to a couple of people that I recently that "Marriage does not agree with me" but the truth is -- maybe it's just that I've made bad choices. Okay, okay I know I've made bad choices. That doesn't mean I want to break or even tie my grandmother's trips down the aisle (three, but that's not as bad as it sounds). I'm just much more willing to admit now that I did suck in those relationships and I'm willing to bear my burden of blame for their failure but their failure is not completely my fault, either.

Fact is, though, that I'm doing some emotional and physical housecleaning and as it turns out, my house definitely needed it. And so did I.

Maybe my subconscious is making room. I hope so.

From life or fantasy

I traveled a couple weeks ago, and I always travel with one of my zillion spiral bound journals on the airplane. It seems to me that ideas of things to write about always come to me at the most inconvenient times, or at least, at times when I can’t really sit down and expound on them. So, as is typical for me, when a thought would strike, I’d write it down. I got several things to think further about, and some possibilities for story ideas. I wrote the first page of a story I’ve been working on (fantasy story, not a dirty story *chuckle).

One thing that I wrote down that I’ve been thinking about is this:

Is it easier to write from a place of experience, or complete fiction?

My erotica has always been a combination of the two. Some things I’ve done and enjoyed (or not enjoyed), and some things I’ve just fantasized about. But I think for me, the complete fiction option is the easier one. And maybe that’s why I haven’t written anything for so long – because my inspiration for new fantasies has sunk to an all time low.

I can, of course, write from real experience, and have many times. I’ve taken some things that have happened and expanded them, turning them into full-size erotic fantasy, and I’ve written things that happened, nearly verbatim.

But I think my best erotica comes from a place of complete and total fiction. Not because I haven’t had fabulous experiences in my life, but because I think that my writing totally shines when I have been inspired to think about something that I haven’t done. Whether it’s something I would actually enjoy ‘in the flesh’ or not, the idea of taking something new and making it sing to my soul, or better yet, someone else’s soul is a big part of the reason that I enjoy writing it in the first place.

When I’m not writing, it’s not because I have run out of experiences; things that I have done and enjoyed. It’s because I’ve run out of inspiration or that my life experience at the time doesn’t allow for any new inspiration to come through. And I think that’s what’s going on with me right now. I’ve just allowed so many other things to take over all of my energy and I don’t have enough left to fantasize about new things.

And I miss it. There’s nothing quite like finishing a piece of erotica for me, especially if I have to stop once or twice while I’m writing *wink. I’m hoping that I can get back to it soon.

I had a loose thought in that vein tonight. Maybe I’ll pull it off after I let it cook in my mind for awhile.

Until then, I guess I’ll just keep fantasizing about being about to fantasize…

Writer's Block

I bought a book this summer (okay, I bought a lot of books this summer but this one is different). I'm so tired of writer's block - or, at least what I'm calling writer's block. It gave a lot of helpful ideas on how to break through, writing exercises, stuff like that.

I've done some of the exercises. Or at least I've tried to.

And I'm still hitting the wall.

One thing I read in the book that really hit home is that there is almost always a reason for the block. Fear, anger, sadness, depression - there is usually a good reason the block exists, and the trick is to figure out what it is.

And that sounds very familiar to me. Because I've been sorting through some 'icky' feelings this year, and I think I got to the bottom of it. It's not completely resolved; I still haven't voiced the problem to the interested party. But I think that at least knowing what it is does help.

So can I suddenly write now? No. Not that I expected to, but it's a little disappointing nonetheless.

I'm going back to the exercises this weekend and do a couple. I'm determined to get past this. I fall asleep every night writing in my head - I have two different ideas I'm playing with and one of them is very exciting to me. I want to write them both.

And I will eventually.

But this is a step. I haven't even been writing here, and that kills me, too. Hopefully, this will work better than any writer's block exercise. Time will tell I guess.