The Secret is knowing what you want ...

One of the books I had in the car in the last month was a book about the Laws of Attraction.  I've read a few books along this line, including The Secret over the last several years.  I find this way of living very attractive (no pun intended) to me, and have managed to put a few of the principles into action in my life (gratitude being the main one) but I've never been able to take that final leap of faith; that asking and waiting to receive.  It's not that I have no faith.  It's not that I don't believe in the principles as they've been explained to me. It's an admirable philosophy that I respect. So that's not the problem.

It's that in the last 7 or 8 years I've become such a control freak that I struggle to let go of it.  I'm working on that.

I watched the movie from The Secret again this weekend, before I started Queer as Folk, The Final Season. And I've been digesting, thinking, reading....

And now, I'm trying to come up with a list of things that I want in my life.

And I'm sucking at it.

No, seriously.  I'm struggling.  Hard.

Because I just don't fucking know. 

I could make countless lists about things I don't want in my life.  That's easy.  You'll note that my Ten Commandments from Friday is almost ALL "Thou Shall Not".  Not too many "Thou Shalls" there.  That concerns me.

I mean, look.  Having experience is great but for fuck's sakes, I'd like to be able to think in terms of the positive, not the negative. 

Can you tell I'm slightly perturbed about this?

For the most part, I have the job I want.  Of course I'd rather be able to write full time but I can't seem to string two sentences of fiction together at all lately so that's not really a consideration until I get that little mess under control again.  I'd like to have new furniture but it's not a high priority.  I'd like to have a new car, but again, there really isn't anything wrong with mine that a new windshield and a bath inside and out wouldn't cure. 

So I'm working on it.  Who'd have ever thought it'd be harder to come up with a list of things that you want in your life?