Just Enough

In my early twenties, I met a man named J*(No, I’m not typing his name, I try very hard to leave names out of this blog for a reason). For the next 11 years or so, he and I had an on-again/off-again quasi-relationship that ran as hot and cold as summer and winter in the Midwest. It finally ended for good when I just couldn’t watch him fuck up his life anymore, and I had to let completely go of him.

I bought one of those “20th Century Masters” CDs a couple weeks ago when I was at the store with my mom. Tesla. I love Tesla. I had forgotten how much.

But as I was driving home from my folks’ the next day, and their song “What You Give” started playing, I almost had to pull the car over. Why? Because that song is what brought J* back into my life over and over again. He used to sing it to me.

I don’t really miss him. I can barely picture his face anymore to be honest. But there was a part of me that believed in him so deeply that I wanted him in my life.

J* was not a great boyfriend. As a matter of fact, he sucked hard at relationships. He was one of these kinds of people who will give ‘just enough’ to keep a love interest hanging around. (I almost typed ‘man’ instead of ‘love interest’ but I know there are women who do this, too). If he feared losing me, he’d give me ‘just enough’ to keep that from happening. Never more, never less. Just…enough.

I’ve never personally understood why people do that. If I’m ‘with’ someone, I’m with them, and they are welcome to all of me – good, bad and indifferent.

He’s not the only person I’ve ever met like that. C is very much like that as well. I’m not sure if it’s a protective shell, if it’s pure laziness, or pure fear that keeps people right on that edge of ‘just enough’, but for someone like me who tends to need more than that, it can be infuriating, frustrating and downright exhausting.

I’ll admit that while I’m getting to know someone, I’m not going to fling open the floodgates and let everything wash over them. That’d be silly. But I’m open to disclosing things when asked, and if I’m serious about getting to know someone – or if I have gotten to know them and feel comfortable with them – I’m willing to open that door a little further than ‘just enough’ room to see in.

Maybe that’s the problem – and why I’ve been hurt so often. But I really don’t think it is. I’ve rarely had anything I’ve ‘released’ flung back at me like a rock from a slingshot; more typically it’s that I can seem to see inside someone else’s door that ends up making me blue.

Submitting to someone makes this doubly important in my opinion. I *want to trust. I *need to trust, but how can I if I can’t see far enough to be sure? Gut instinct is wonderful and I rely on it heavily, but sometimes it’s simply not enough. And someone handing me ‘just enough’ to keep me interested without any hint that I’ll get any more is like – well, its just ‘not enough’.

I learned that from J*. I don’t know if that makes all that 20’s-angst worth it or not. But it was ‘just enough’ to make me understand that ‘just enough’ is not enough for the long haul.