Push

Every once in a great while, I get a hankerin' to be pushed hard. No, I don't mean put your hand on my back and shove me, I mean push me to the absolute limit of my sanity.

I've talked before many times about being pushed past small limits. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm not talking about baby steps. I'm talking about hard core, to the edge pushing.

As I said - every great once in awhile. (Typically, on a day to day basis, I'm low maintenance. I don't need to *see* your dominance, I just want a taste of it, to know it's still there. And that's easy to feed me~)

Honestly right now, it wouldn't probably take near as much as it has in years past. I'm completely out of practice, so to speak, and it's honestly been well over 2 years since I even had a hand spanking (don't pity me; this was my choice - to wait until my life and mind were in a better place)

I wonder, sometimes (like today) why that craving comes to me out of the blue, and why I still get all antsy and jumpy when I think about it enough.

It would take a long time for me to feel comfortable enough with someone that I was not in a full time relationship with to allow this to come to fruition. I know that about myself. And I know that I'd have to be completely comfortable with that person. So it's not like I'm going to be experiencing this anytime soon. So why then, does it tend to come to be, on a warm but cloudy day here, that I need that?

I have a pretty good idea of why. I've been writing and thinking and writing some more over the last several weeks about BDSM. It's been pounding on my brain like a good deerskin flogger on my back.

I've had horrible luck so far with people from Alt. The few I thought were perhaps going to work out haven't, for one reason or another (scheduling conflicts and busy schedules seem to be the biggest reason lately), and as I continue discussing and communicating with a few of them, I find myself less and less hopeful about finding someone that I really click with. I'll admit it; I got very lucky meeting C when and where I did, even though the d/s part of our relationship never did flourish to where we believed it would go. And even M, though he took me for quite the ride, was a great learning experience for me (as I know I was for him), and I went further than I ever thought I would. I have gotten much better about not taking these little defeats personally. And I haven't even started to give up yet. But perhaps my frustration is based in the fact that I'm ready - more ready than I was a month ago, more ready than I was a year ago, more ready than I was a week ago. And now that I stand ready, I stand alone.

So, today, I'll push the "pushing" out of my head again. And concentrate on being myself, working toward some goals, and finding someone that I can start to get to know in such a way as to get comfortable.

Acceptance, as always is the key, I believe. And I've accepted where I am in my life right now, even if I don't like the part of me that craves so much today.