Control #4

I can be very strong-willed when something is important to me. I can also be very strong-willed when I feel threatened. And, as I've said in the past, sometimes, the struggle is part of the fun /wink.

My sexuality is very important to me. It's something that I have come to feed and treasure over the years. It's provided me with spending cash through my writing, enjoyment, new experiences and the opportunity to meet people I may not otherwise have had the joy of having in my life. This is not to say that it hasn't gotten me in trouble a time or two *chuckle*, because it has. I used to make lousy choices with men, sometimes I still do. But learning some self-control over the last several years has defintely helped there.

So when I walk into a d/s situation and I agree to give up my control over my sexuality for -- however long -- it's important to me. And it's absolutely one of my favorite things to do.

Oh, I will cuss you if you make me hold off before cumming. And if you make me beg, I will get flustered. And if you refuse to allow me to cum I will call you horrible names and continue to beg until you relent.

But don't take that wrong. That doesn't mean I don't like those things *laughs*

It's not all about that. It's also about being a complete pleasure object. Take what you want from me, show me what makes you get off, push me a little further than I'm comfortable to make yourself happy. If I whisper to you hotly "take what you want..." you damn well better know that I mean it, and I have given that piece of myself to you completely. Don't hold back now.... you have it all in the palm of your hand....

Or, just leave me laying on the floor watching TV and go play computer games :P

Either way, it's yours to use or not use.

Way back in Wyoming 12 years ago, when I had first moved in with C (the first time), we went to the grocery store, and on the way back, he told me to unbutton my blouse and pull it apart. No one had ever asked me to do anything like that before, and even as I undid the buttons, I was scared shitless that someone would see in the Cheyenne early twilight and point to me and yell "Slut!" (I had at that point not owned my sexuality yet :P). But I did it, because he asked (yes, he actually did say please but his tone of voice wasn't very sweet...). I remember that that one thing - that thing that made my cheeks burn like I'd fallen asleep on a griddle - also sent some huge waves of wetness to the nether regions *grin*. He also made me walk into the apartment like that, carrying the bag and my purse down at my sides as to not cover up. After we got inside, he immediately took a minute to gauge the reaction (in wetness levels :P) and stored that information away for future reference. Then he went on, putting groceries away and flipped on the TV.

That was where I first started to learn the true difference between sex and sexuality, want and need, control....and the lack thereof.

And where I really started to fall hard for this entire thing.

I haven't stopped falling since. Got a net? :)