"He who lets me get away with murder."

I think I’ve said this before. But I actually have some quiet time today and can expound on some past bits of wisdom and thought.

I don’t want to get away with anything.

The minute a dominant lets something slide, unless there is a mental or physical reason for it, I start rebelling in a major way. I start testing boundaries, seeing what else I can get away with. It’s often subconscious; I’m typically not a person who plays games (they piss me off and I always lose), but every once in awhile, I catch myself pushing against something, just to see if I can break it.

*shrug* Maybe that means I’m a true brat, I dunno. I really don’t believe that. If I’m in a relationship with a dominant who has gained my respect and trust, the brat only comes out occasionally for both of our pleasure; to release him from any guilt of actually doing something we both enjoy (punishment) and to give him a reason to swat my ass~.

It’s different, though, if someone starts letting me get away with things. Both of my last two dominants did that. It wasn’t a one-shot thing – like they were tired or over-worked or stressed out and just ignored my misplaced brattiness or overlooked a broken rule. That’s expected in any relationship – vanilla, chocolate or mint. No, they just stopped being actively dominant. My first response to that is to become more actively submissive, and when that doesn’t work, I really start pushing. Is it right? No, probably not. But let’s face it; That’s what I’m here for. To be dominated and have rules and such. That’s what I enjoy, that’s what feeds me and makes me feel alive. And no matter how much you love someone, putting your own needs on hold only works for so long before you start sliding into the oblivion of depression.

In both cases, it was sad to see the relationship degenerate to such a level of vanilla-ness, because in the beginning, things had been heavenly. In all relationships, there are ebbs and flows, but if the reason you got into the relationship suddenly goes away for a long period of time – no amount of love is going to fill that gap for an extended period.

I don’t think I was really aware of any of this – the reasons that I do some of the things I do to push – until recently. Now that I am, however, it makes weeding through the emails much easier. I can almost tell immediately when someone is going to be “he who lets me get away with murder.”