Fear, In Two Parts~

Fear is a fun toy. I think every dominant should have it in their arsenal *grin.

There are actually chemical reasons that fear makes you hot. I don’t know what they are, but if you’re interested, you can google it *chuckle. Has something to do with adrenaline and endorphins.

But more than that, for me, it’s all mental.

I tend to be a person who thinks ahead. I anticipate everything. Even before something happens, I have a "disaster recovery plan” (yes, yes, geek speak bite me) in place, and am ready to go on the offensive or defensive, depending on the scenario. If you’re thinking that having these plans in place for every little thing must take up a lot of brain-room, you are correct. They do. And they do not always work, and they are not always right, and sometimes, they end up causing more problems than they’re worth – because if I’d have had to sit and think about how to react, more information may have come to light and I wouldn’t have handled things the same way.

But that’s really not the point. The point is that I anticipate everything.

Thing is, when you’re bound and blindfolded, you can anticipate all you want, but it means jack shit. When you don’t know where he is in the room – what he’s doing – you can’t see his eyes – he’s not talking – you can’t Feel him near you – you can’t hear him breathing… you don’t know what’s coming. Maybe pleasure. Maybe pain. Maybe words. You just don’t know. And you cannot possibly predict an outcome. You cannot anticipate. You don’t know rather to be breathlessly waiting for a caress or in fear of whatever implement he may be holding, or..or…ahhhh. And it is fear for me. Why? Because I simply do not know what to do.

I’ve talked before about how bondage allows me to let go. This is the same, only more so.

Fear, it is said, is a great motivator. Fear will shut me up, send the brat packing, put me in wholly submissive state of mind. So if that’s the objective you have set, there’s a way to get me there.

That’s not all there is about fear. There’s much more. I have been know, occasionally, to play on the “edge”. Will he cross a line? Will he do any of those things that he’s threatened to do? Will he push me past something that was formerly a wall and turns to parchment paper at his command?

And if he does, will I rejoice or will I fall apart?

I’m not into blood play. I’ve gotten single-tail cuts and the like – none of them on purpose – and that’s okay. But intentional blood-letting has never held any particular attraction for me.

But feeling the edge of a knife across your skin when you are powerless to do anything about it – no matter how much you trust someone, deep in your heart you know that he could do anything he liked at that time. And even though you trust him, a part of you is in fear…

Having someone come up behind you, when you aren’t expecting them…grabbing your hair to hold you still and putting a hand over your mouth….

This is the other part of fear. Will he? Won’t he? Who is he? How many people are really in the room? Who is really touching you?

Yea.. I’m writing this at work and I’m going to stop there before I come unhinged /wink.