Thinking again

I've been thinking a lot about dominance and submission lately.

Not necessarily the flogging/cropping/clamping end of the spectrum, but more the mid-range bondage and dominance end of things.

Part of me misses that aspect of my life.  A lot.  And part of me is not sure if I really miss it, or if I miss the idea of it.

Last time I was at the bookstore, I picked up a copy of "Yes, Sir", an anthology of female submissive stories.  I haven't bought any BDSM erotica in a long time, and I thought maybe reading some of it would fire up my imagination again.

Well, it's definitely fired something up ....

Just in time for the hitachi to breathe it's last breath.  Oh well.  Good thing I have other toys...

Anyway.

I do miss certain aspects of having a full time dominant.  I've lamented these a few times in other blog posts.  I miss having someone to be accountable to.   Over the last several years I've become increasingly independent, which has it's good points and it's bad points -- one of the bad being that if I feel I can get away with something I am certainly going to try to, if it's in my best interests. (Oh, and no, run on sentences are not in my best interests, I'm just too tired to re-arrange that.  Sorry.)


I also find myself missing some of the intensity that goes along with a d/s relationship.  The eye contact is brutal sometimes... hard...challenging.  I miss that challenge.  The racing heartbeat.  The difficult decisions.  The doing things that are too hard to do.

I question if I will be able to find that level of intensity in a regular relationship that has no aspects of d/s in it.  I don't mean that I want a full blown full time thing.  But it'd be nice to be able to have some aspects of it peeking around corners at me when I least expected it.

Without that?  I'm not sure how long I'd be happy.

I mean, I can't know for sure, because it's been many years since I've tried a fully vanilla relationship.  Years.  Lots of years.  But I know myself better than I ever have in my life, and I know that without at least a bit of 'do it because I said so' in my sex life, I'm likely not going to be satisfied long term.

I need that 'downhill on a roller coaster' feeling in my stomach sometimes.  I need that 'show of force'.

Except when I don't.

/grin