The Value of a Secret

Is there anything as delicious as walking around with a little secret?

I have always loved that feeling. Back in California, M used to sometimes send me to work in a dress with thigh high hose under it, and nothing else. It was like this little secret between he and I all day. We’d email back and forth, flirty stuff, and by the time we both got home from work, it was like 9 hours of continuous foreplay. Even if he was going to be out of the office that day, and we didn’t speak, just walking around like that, knowing that I was naked under whatever flowy-skirted dress I’d put on that day, and no one knew it but me was completely – delicious.

I left my vacation with a similar secret – hence the grinning – and I can’t seem to shed that feeling yet.

Did they people on the plane wonder about the grin? Did the airline employees and airport workers marvel at my politeness and my thank-you for every little tiny thing they did? Was my enchanted mood that obvious?

Do people at work now wonder why I’m wearing light turtleneck sweaters when it’s 65 degrees outside? Do they wonder why they catch me smiling like a Cheshire cat walking down the hallway? Do they care? Do I?

I’m someone who takes an occasional risk. But the giant leap of faith that I took on this trip was something that two years ago I could not have ever done. While I’ll admit that my friend’s confidence boost (see: I get it) aided that, the fact is, the plan was set into motion weeks ago – before that even happened.

I realize I’ve used this word several times in my last few posts, but the fact is, I feel empowered. It’s wonderful to want, not need. It’s phenomenal to not care about things that I was always *sure you were supposed to care about. And it’s amazing to be able to share that feeling with all reaches of your life, and all the people around you, without sharing a thing.

Hence the secret.

Why I’m happy isn’t anyone’s business.

The fact that I am happy, renewed, invigorated, confident, sassy, sexy and whole – these things are everyone’s gain.