Informed Risk - The Intellectual, Vanilla End

Every week, I get an email column from Jack Rinella. Jack is Old School BDSM, and has a way with words and ideas without being haughty and condescending. I typically look forward to reading his column, even though if he's talking about physical activities, chances are they're not something I'd be interested in. (You can subscribe to Jack's column for yourself here)

This week, Jack talked about fear.

"Fear forbids living in the moment, savoring and enjoying the present. That is the cost of fear as it drags us to continually fear the future, living in a time not yet come"

The first part of that paragraph is something I am just learning how to do. The second part is where I spent the biggest part of my life.

The fact of the matter is, I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, and neither do you. How can you really plan for something that you can't foresee? It's much easier to enjoy yourself in the now when you aren't worried so much about the next. And yes, of course you should plan for your future and such. But letting that future affect each and every thing you do right now - here - today - isn't healthy, either.

Risk is a semi-new concept for me. I should say, rather - that "informed risk" is new.

I did a lot of stupid things in my teens and twenties. I took a lot of risks with my physical and emotional self. A few of those risks paid off but for the most part, they did not. When people ask me why I married my first husband, the answer is simple: he posed NO risk. Curt was the "nice guy" (when he wasn't loaded). He had the job, the car, the house, the family. He didn't argue with me, he did as I asked him to do, and was actually quite submissive for the most part for the first three years we were together. He loved me, and he posed absolutely no risk to my physical or emotional self. Apparently, at the point that I married him, I had had enough risk taking.

When we split, and I had moved to Wyoming and then California, I began to take small risks again. Baby steps. But I never got that far, because before I knew it, the risks went out the window and I was back together with C (my current almost ex husband, not to be confused with Curt, my first ex husband - STFU) and feeling very safe yet again.

So now, nearly three years after separation and hopefully less than 2 months from final goddamn divorce papers, I've started taking some risks again. Slowly. Dipping my toe in, so to speak. I don't feel all that fragile right now, so taking a few emotional risks has been healthy for me. How long that lasts, I don't know, but I really am trying to concentrate more on what I want and need RIGHT NOW than what I think I might want and need in five years. But I'm also being careful. Which means that I'm not jumping wildly into the fray without some solid information in my grasp. I am much more willing to take these risks when I am informed of exactly what the risk is.

It's funny. I've typically been the pursuer in relationships. Not at first, but once that door is open, I've never minded being the one who puts the majority of the energy into a relationship to make sure it continues and flourishes. Last year, on my last trip to VA to see C, I said to him that I was *not* going to be doing that with him anymore. And if he wanted to see me, it was up to *him to ask me to come see him. I felt very comfortable with that, and even though it's the opposite of the risk taking I'm used to, it's still taking a risk. I left it up to him. And you know what? He didn't disappoint me. I knew that he wouldn't return that risk, and he hasn't so far. Which basically told me everything I needed to know. Surprisingly enough, it doesn't bother me in the least, and I'm very comfortable with that decision.

Sometimes, it's just better to know what you're standing on. Hence - Informed Risk.