Avoidance

When I got home tonight, I was focused on several things. I cleared out an old checking account and paid off two credit cards then promptly cancelled them. I got C’s name off my main checking account and unhooked his account from mine. I brought some stuff in out of the car that’s been in there for weeks. For some reason, those things had to be done *right now. They were things I’ve been slacking on for far too long and I wanted them finished. I always feel better when I do that. I don’t know why I avoid things like that, knowing how good I feel once I get them done. Maybe it was just my way of putting off things that I thought were going to hurt (like slowly wiping C out of life. Not completely of course, but where it matters).

Thing is, it didn’t hurt a bit.

Maybe – just maybe – along with accepting myself this week, I accepted some basic truths about my life that I’ve put off accepting.

I’ve known C for 14 or so years. We’ve split up three times (at least) during that time. And maybe a small part of me just thought that this was another one of those times. Oh, I knew it was done. I had told him when I married him that if he ever bailed on me again, it’d be the last time, and I had *no intention of backing down off that. We are not suited for each other anymore. He has no interest in anything but his sailboat-to-be and living somewhere that it’s 90+ degrees most of the year. There is very little of what he was when we met left. And to be honest, I’m sure as shit not what I was 14 years ago, either. We are both different people. It happens.

But maybe, in the back of my mind, I thought. …And I may well have gone on thinking that except for one thing.

This is all about me now (my Happy Bunny calendar says so!). And I want this all done – for me. I have things to do. I have places to go and people to see and I’m not going to continue to live this non-existence just to be ‘the good girl’ anymore.

My vacation gave me some perspective. If for no other reason, it was money well spent.