The Fact is.....

I wrote my last blog post at work today. I had intended to post it, and leave it at that, so that I could finish getting ready to go and leave things on a positive note at home, and go enjoy myself.

Thing is, it's not entirely accurate. The fact is, I'm fucking tired.

Now, some of that exhaustion can well be attributed to the fact that for the last 14 days, I have only missed ONE Day of cardio on the bike, and the last several days, my mileage per session has been up over 11 miles a day (my left knee hates me). All good. I don't mind that kind of tired. It means I'm doing something that's good for my physical and mental health. But that ain't all there is to it, unfortunately.

Mother's Day really nailed it for me I think.

I am fucking tired of always being the one who does the right thing. I'm tired of being the only grand-daughter (out of two) who goes to visit her grandmother in the nursing home. I'm tired of being the only daughter (out of two) who even gets a CARD for my mother. I'm tired of being the one who is always there, always patient, always doing the responsible and adult thing.

No, I don't mind doing those things. I do mind being the ONLY one who does those things. (And no, I can't speak to my sister about it. Been there, done that - many decades of doing it, and she lives in her own world and reality, where everything is her and everyone else doesn't exist.)

It applies to other areas of my life, too. Just re-arrange the words a bit, and apply to friends and ex-husbands and co-workers. I'm tired of always being the one to break the ice, to apologize where it's needed, to offer help, to stand up, to offer someone else an easy way out to make them comfortable. All of the traits and behaviors that made me such a good submissive seem to be dragging my vanilla life down to it's most exhausted point.

Again, not always - not with all people, but I can clearly say that the more than half of my relationships, whatever they may be, end up like this eventually.

I'm emotionally exhausted sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes. And there isn't anyone to blame but me because I'm the one who has control over it. Instead of simply backing off when my energy gets depleted, I just keep on keepin' on, because it's all I seem to know how to do. It's not like I don't know there's a better way, but it's just difficult for me to get there. I’ve written over the last several weeks about being honest with myself, and being authentic. This is what I mean. This is a behavior that has got to change in me, now.

There was a time in my life (okay, maybe several times) when this behavior made sense to me. Because I didn't feel like I deserved reciprocation in all things. My self-esteem was so far down that I did what I did because it was all I could do.

But I fucking know better now. And I'm still doing it.

The good thing is, this weekend will feed me plenty. I have great friends coming to Philly for this party and people I adore and trust and who sincerely care about my well being. I'm going to come home full.

Let's see if I can't manage to stay that way for a while.