Authentic

Over the last couple of years, being ‘authentic’ has been increasingly important to me. I was raised in a world where you got married and had kids after college because it was the right thing to do, not because you wanted to. I did the get married part, the kids part never happened for various reasons (miscarriages primarily), and to people outside of my family, I probably look like I’ve lead a pretty independent life, away from rules and ‘the way things are supposed to be’.

That’s not entirely true. I always tried to do what I was ‘supposed to do’, but because of who I am, it just never happened the way ‘it was supposed to’. Figuring that out when C and I separated, I’ve had to spend the last three trying to figure out who I am, opposed to who I’m supposed to be. Doing that takes a great deal of self-honesty, which is something no one is born good at. It also takes a lot of behaving honestly and speaking honestly with other people. I have gotten much better at that, primarily because I’ve given up the whole ‘supposed to be’ shit.

I am who I am supposed to be. Me.

Around other people in the last year or so, since I started meeting more new people that I got to know on various online games around the country, I’ve put the ‘behaving honestly, speaking honestly’ into practice. When I went to the East Coast last month, I was me. When I went to Philly last year (twice) and as I’m preparing to go again next weekend, I’m me when I’m there. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I’m not trying to ‘snare’ a boyfriend because society frowns on me not having one. I’m not trying to be the center of anyone’s attention. I’m just – me. People can take me or leave me.

Thing is, the better I have become at being authentic, the better the friendships I have made are. I know that’s common sense. But for a girl who grew up fat, and who felt she had to be someone else in order to get people to like her, and overlook the fat thing, it’s not a concept that was readily available to my fingertips. I had to learn how to do it.

As my comfort level with who I am really am has increased, other things in my life have come into question. One of those things is my submission.

I am sexually submissive. That’s never been in question, and has been a part of me since the first time I laid eyes on a cock. I still feel that very strongly. Along with being sexually submissive, though, I’m also very sexually adventurous. Which means I’m not always submissive. And that’s all right. Variety is good *wink

I don’t know that I’ve ever had a full-time dominant/submissive relationship with a dominant that was emotionally healthy, though. And I know that my submission outside the bedroom has not always come from a healthy place, such as where I am now. Having no experience with that kind of relationship, I’m just not sure right now where I stand on it. I have to question it. And I am. I’m just not entirely sure 24/7 would ever work for me again.

That’s all right, though. It’s good to question things. It’s good to say out loud what you’re thinking and to ask and answer questions despite the risk of perhaps not getting what you want. It’s better to know, than just to ‘think’. I would rather be turned away from someone for being me, than for being someone I was pretending to be.

I’ve identified as a submissive for so many years that’s it’s hard to think of perhaps having to change that.

Or is it?

How about if I just identify as a kinky little bitch instead? *grin