Relationship Status, or something

I got to chatting with my friends over the weekend about "why don't you have a boyfriend omg you don't even date wtf"

I'm paraphrasing, of course (sorta)

I started off pointedly NOT defending my decision, and then the longer it went on, the more I found myself coming up for really good reasons why I don't have a local "squeeze".

I like my life.

After spending 5 years letting the Navy tell me what I could do, when I could do it, and how often I could do it, the last three years have been a nice change. If I wake up on Saturday morning and don't feel like getting dressed - guess what - I don't! If I come home from work, work out, take a shower and don't feel like getting re-dressed - guess what? I play/write/watch TV in my robe. If I want to go to the Dragon Art Festival Saturday, I don't have to check schedules, ask anyone if they want to go, make sure I have a car. I just *go.

Oh, I'm sure the beauty of being Miss Independent will wear off at some point (and probably out of the blue when I least expect it), but right now, I have no serious motivation to *look* for a significant other.

Now, having said all that, there is naturally a downside to that. I'm guessing if you've read here at all before this post, you can figure out what that is.

No? Stop playing dumb /grin

(C'mon, you thought I was going to say fucking, didn't you? Admit it. You did.)

Okay, yes, that's part of it. I'm not going to sit here with my halo on and pretend I haven't had any since C and I separated, because I have. And I'm not going to pretend that a few of those *weren't* C, because they were. But what I meant - was simple companionship and affection.

I'm very affectionate. Not like Miss PDA or anything, but privately I'm very much that way. Having a good relationship - actually *liking someone that you just happen to also be fucking - being able to talk about pretty much anything and having their intelligence be at least on par with your own - feeling very comfortable with them - these things are important, and can't be over-looked even from within the walls of Miss Independent.

I've waivered a lot in the last three years about the pros and cons of relationships - all kinds of relationships, not just sexual ones. LDRs, marriage, living together - I've run the gamut between thinking each of these was the devil to wanting each of them in my life. I guess that's normal, but for someone who's been pretty clear about what she wants for most of her life (whether I reached out to take it or not is another story), it's a bit daunting.

Fact of the matter is, I've been 'in love' for the sake of being 'in love' before and it bites. When you grow dependent on another person to make you feel good, you risk losing your ability to do that for yourself. There are better reasons to 'be' with someone than just to 'be' with someone and not be alone. There is no question that it's a nice ego boost to have someone who makes you feel good in your life, just so long as you can do that for yourself as well. It's nice to be wanted and desired. And sometimes, just knowing someone out there feels that for you can give you the boost that you need to get through a rough patch. But growing dependent on that is where the quicksand starts. I know the line (for myself) now. And I'm not crossing it ever again.

Having said all that, yes. It'd be nice to have a nice deep hum in the background of my life that was on the same wavelength as I was - that was comfortable with independence and companionship being able to co-exist in a relationship. Someone who lived down the street, someone who lived 2000 miles away. Because of the way the relationship would be built, it wouldn't make that big of a difference.

You'd think that'd be easy, right?

Not so much.

So, I continue to contemplate, and enjoy where I am right now. The fact that what I want can change on a daily or hourly basis is a bit scary, but I guess that's the risk you take when you step out of the 'doing what you *should do' role and into your own will.

And the fact that there are nights when I really do wish the other side of the bed had a living, breathing body (besides a cat :p) in it - someone I could roll over and snuggle with, or wake up to in the morning and have an intellectual conversation (or a good sound fuck, either way *smirk*) with, remains.

But in my own way. In my own time. And not because I need it.

I want to want it.