To Serve or Not To Serve

As I’ve said numerous times, there are as many different ways to enjoy BDSM as there are people doing it. No two people are exactly alike in their wants and needs, and no two people will carry their desires out the same way.

There are certain things, though, that most people would believe to be inherent. For several years, I’ve believed that they were, but as with nearly everything now, I continue to question everything that I used to believe. That’s healthy for me. It’s good to revisit and explore.

The Certain Things would include:
- The dominant is in charge, the submissive is not.
- There are consequences for every action.
- Submission always entails a certain amount of service. The amount varies from relationship to relationship.
- Responsibility is shared equally, which makes communication that much more important. We are not mind-readers. Expressing yourself is the only sure way of making sure that your lines aren’t crossed, or are crossed with the utmost caution.
- It does not matter if your d/s is only in the bedroom; what matters is that you feel strongly enough about it to express it in your own way at your own pace.
- Anyone who tells you that you are doing it wrong is entitled to his or her opinion, but it doesn’t mean that you have to follow his or her rules.

I’m sure there are more, but that’s what’s in my head right now.

The one that I’ve been questioning recently is service.

Can you be a submissive that doesn’t do any routine service for a dominant, beyond what would be considered sexual? If not, does that just make you a bottom?

I’m a caretaker. When I’m in any sort of relationship, I want to do whatever I can to make sure that the other person in the relationship is happy, healthy and fulfilled. In my past d/s relationships, I’ve leaned heavily toward care-taking. With M, I took care of his home, helped him decorate it, and helped raise his daughters. With C, I took care of his finances, made sure he never missed family birthdays or occasions, and when his father passed away, I took over all of the legal issues that arose after. What I realized recently is that I’d have done those things without a d/s aspect to the relationship. It’s just who I am. They had absolutely nothing to do with being submissive to my partner and everything to do with caring about my partner.

So beyond sex, what would constitute service that I did provide?

Not much /shrug

So then my service to these two gentlemen -- what someone would term service anyway – was wholly sexual.

Does that make me a bottom?

No. It makes me a submissive who happens to get off lucky /wink

The things that I would typically do for a partner are not things that everyone would do for their partner. For other women, perhaps decorating a house or handling legal paperwork would be an act of submission, especially if they did not feel they excelled in these areas. For me – it was just me, being me.

I don’t think that makes me any less submissive. Had M asked me to change the oil in his truck, or had C asked me to have his dinner on the table at 5 pm every night, I’d have done these things for them. But they didn’t. I’d have taken on whatever they’d have thrown at me.

So maybe the difference is intent.

But I do know for a fact that not being service oriented (which frankly I don’t consider myself to be. I don’t have this deep *drive to serve, but when asked, I’ll do it gladly) doesn’t make one any less submissive. It just makes one differently submissive than someone else.