How Much is Too Much?

How much is too much?

There’s “err on the side of caution” and there’s “everything in moderation” but really, where do the lines for caution and moderation lie?

I’m talking specifically about levels of submitting to someone, in case you weren’t sure.

I’ve met dominants that it’s taken me months to build up to my submission with. Giving a little at a time, testing the water so to speak, holding certain things back (not secretly, being very upfront about it) until I got more and more comfortable with them.

I’ve also met dominants that made me want to drop to my knees immediately, whether they invited me to or not (I’m pretty good at resisting that urge *wink)

And then I’ve met dominants that, with no amount of time, would I give much of myself to at all.

I have played with very few “dominants” in the scene that I didn’t belong to, or wasn’t on the way to belonging to anyway. In California I played with a lot of tops, and some men who actually were dominant to others, but just topping me (which was what I wanted at the time).

But this is a different time in my life than that was. I have very little desire to go to play parties like I did then, or big events, and play.(not that I’ve seen much of that in my area, anyway). For me right now, casual relationships are probably the best.

But never having had casual d/s relationships before, I’m not sure how to answer my original question.

How much (submission) is too much?

I found myself recently feeling very submissive to a friend of mine. It came on gradually, and I probably didn’t even consciously realize the levels were changing until it kinda smacked me in the face one morning.

Now, you know me. I’m going to revel in that feeling for awhile. I haven’t felt it in – I don’t even want to think of how long it’s been. It’s not something I was expecting, but there it was. I didn’t mention it to him at first. I didn’t really think there was a reason to. He’s dominant (rather he chooses to admit that seems to change day to day *wink) but he’s not at all involved in the lifestyle and probably would never be (bonus! lol). But it’s a topic of discussion quite often and I’ll be the first to admit that he’s inspired me to write a lot more than I would have been.

But there came a point, sometime in the last few weeks that it started to nag at me a little. Not much at first. But it grew just a little and I started feeling – weird. (I’d like to use a better word there, but I can’t find one, so weird will have to do). There are a couple different possibilities for the reason for that, and I haven’t quite narrowed it down yet. It could have been because I felt if he knew I felt that way, he’d be uncomfortable with it. It also could have been because it felt weird to be submissive to someone who doesn’t really identify as a dominant, and doesn’t understand completely what that submission means. It could also be that at this point in my life – when I’m just starting to think about really getting out there and meeting people again – that part of me is still a scared rabbit and wants to hide when it hits too close to home.

So I became really careful. I started being much more mindful of my words and my actions with him. That in and of itself is uncomfortable for me, and it felt even more so with him because it’s not what my subconscious wanted. And then I started feeling bad about being careful, thinking that maybe he’d take me hiding behind my sarcasm and my dark humor (where I hide when I’m being guarded) wrong, and think that he’d done something wrong, which he hadn’t really. Neither of us did. It’s just something that organically happened on my end. So I explained (or tried to explain) the reason that my demeanor had changed. But I think I pretty much did a lousy job of it.

So that makes me wonder.

How much (submission) is too much in that situation?

I just wrote this big post earlier today about being self-responsible and taking care of oneself. About how submissives don’t need “protection” if they’re worthwhile. And I believe that, heart and soul. But finding that line – between too much and not enough is tricky. And it’s going to be different for every man that I meet, for the rest of my life.

I throttled it back, hard for awhile. But I can feel myself relaxing a bit more now with him again, and I wonder if this time, I’ll find the line before it starts feeling – weird. I’m hoping so. Dominance and submission – in it’s most basic form – is a give and take. And if the submission isn’t invited, encouraged or even discussed in concrete terms – is it already too much? Maybe for me at this point, it’s just getting used to the casual aspects of this. As I said, I really don’t have much experience with that.

So how much is too much?
I’ll let you know when I find out /wink