Wonderful

Reading…hell, somewhere (I read so much on the web every day, I can’t remember where I see everything)… I saw this quote, and have adopted it as my philosophy of the week (I’m allowed to be a bit new age-y sometimes)

"I don't have time for anyone who doesn't think I'm wonderful."

*chuckle


I talked to C the other night when I got home from having my facial and massage. I called him for a change (I typically avoid doing that because I don’t want him getting any wrong ideas). It was probably the shortest and most productive phone call we’ve had since we separated two and a half years ago.

Why?

Because I didn’t give a damn.

That’s not to say I don’t care about him, I do. He’s always going to be my friend and we’re always going to have some small part of each other’s lives just because there’s 13 years of history there that can’t just be forgotten. No, I just didn’t give a damn what he wanted, needed, said. I called to find out where he was going to be this week (he’s out of the Navy, effective yesterday) so that we could wrap these papers up and I could finally be free of this headache they call divorce. I wasn’t worried about making anything easier for him, wasn’t worried about his fears or feelings about leaving the Navy. I just. Didn’t. Give a damn.

Why?

Because even though he ‘loves’ me and we’re friends, he doesn’t believe I’m all that wonderful. Not like *that.

And as such, he’s not entitled to anymore of my energy than I’d give a any friend. I didn’t offer to come help him fix up his dad’s house (which is where he’s headed – finally!). I didn’t offer to make the paper delivery easier for him. I didn’t offer to take care of a damn thing. And for me, that’s something new.

I overdo it. This isn’t news. I’m sometimes an intense and extreme person. When I believe in something, I can get carried away. When I want something, I typically don’t hold back. When I care about someone, I’m ready to do whatever I can do to make their lives easier. I am available, easy to talk to, easy to ask things of. I will bend over backwards to make someone else happy if I feel they’re a positive part of my life.

I turned a corner a couple weeks ago, though. And I’m holding back a bit more of that energy for myself.

‘bout time.

She said I feel stranded
And I can't tell anymore
If I'm coming or I'm going
It's not how I planned it
I've got a key to the door
But it just won't open

And I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason
I don't, I don't, I don't
Because it never worked before
But this time, this time
“Just Feel Better” Santana