Controlled Force

Okay. My list keeps getting longer instead of shorter, so I’m going to go back to something I started toward last night and never really got to.

‘Controlled Force’

(This does relate in some way to my descriptions last night in Hurt vs. Harm, so you may want to backtrack…)

I started off last night writing about anger in a scene and how it’s so taboo to so much of the quote-unquote BDSM community at large. And largely, these people are probably right. Uncontrolled anger, rage, temper really don’t have any place in a scene (for me).

But working off frustration, letting yourself go enough to feel a bit of that emotion come up in you – these things definitely do fit into a scene for me, if it’s with someone that I know and trust.

For so many submissives – especially new ones – who come into the ‘lifestyle’ – they’re looking for someone they can trust – someone to take care of them(no, not financially (well mostly) and no, not like they’re a child, but someone who will be firm but gentle, you get the idea).

While I will admit to occasionally want that – as I said in my last post – to be taken care of rather than be the caretaker – the Caretaker is my typical position. Doing things for the dominant – be that cooking dinner, organizing his schedule or blowing him under his desk – is pretty much what got me into the scene in the first place (second place maybe…*grin).

If part of taking care of a dominant is being bent over the kitchen counter and fucked hard and roughly because he’s had a frustrating day at work – how is that not fulfilling what I’m looking for?

If part of what he needs is to push me up against a wall face first and feeling him rip and tear what I’m wearing so that he can get some frustration relieved isn’t part of what I need, what is it?

Controlled force then, to me, is putting myself into someone’s hands and knowing that yes – they do have some tension to work off, and yes – I am going to be the focus of that tension for a period of time. Controlled force means that I trust him to be in control of the angry part of himself enough not to do any serious damage to me, but that he uses his “force” to get through those frustrations just the same.

I say all this having been married to someone with one of the *worst tempers I have ever been witness to – and no, something like this certainly would *not have been welcome in that relationship (my first husband btw, not the recent one) because after being around him long enough I knew without a doubt that when he was even a little angry there was no way in hell I could trust him. But I’ve met very few men like that in my life (thank you!) and most of them, I could have trusted with something like this.

Which is all fine and good, but the problem isn’t typically on my part. It’s on theirs.

My recent ex repeatedly refused to even discuss anything like this. Why? Because he did not trust himself. And frankly, that’s a good thing to be able to admit to yourself and your partner. I believed him when he said he couldn’t do it.

With my ex-partner M, we did play with this to some extent, and because he was extremely empathic, it worked very well for us on the few occasions we tried it.

This is not something you do the first weekend you meet someone. And this is certainly not something you do with someone that you do not have a deep, abiding trust in.

But it can work, and does work. And it’s not something that should simply be tossed aside because it’s not “politically correct”

(*waits for the bdsm police to come take away my toys)

To tie this in with last night….

“Controlled Force” is not all about anger or frustration. Sometimes, it’s about fantasies that involve force. There are men – even some seasoned dominant-types – that hesitate when using anything that can be construed as ‘force’. It’s easy to get tangled up in the whole hurt vs. harm thing, and intellectually I can accept and understand that.

But sometimes…just sometimes…some of us *like to be pushed up against a wall or bent over the nearest piece of furniture and taken just because you want to take us.

Just keep that in mind /wink.