After-Care This

After-care seems to be a hot topic lately. I’ll admit it. I chuckle a bit when I read these threads on email lists or messages boards about submissives who demand(demand! I tell you, demand!) a certain amount of after-care after a scene, or they label someone a bad dominant.

All right. I’ve been doing this for fourteen odd years. I’ve been bruised, cut with a whip, spanked to choking sobs, humiliated and caned to within an inch of a safeword. I’ve drifted in and out of subspace for hours at a time. I’ve nearly passed out. (Okay, I did pass out once but it wasn’t from the scene, it was cause I locked my knees *snicker).

There is only one scene – yes, one – that I can ever remember needing “after-care”. I’ve discussed the scene on here before. It put me in a bad place. The dominant in question (my dominant at the time) isn’t the one I wanted the after-care from either. I went to my friends. And what I needed from them was hugs, and I got it.

Sometimes I wonder if after-care for some people isn’t a euphemism for “I let you hurt me, now cuddle me or else!” No, that’s not true. I don’t wonder it. I know it is.

No, my experiences aren’t everyone’s experiences, and no – I can’t possibly know what someone else needs after a simple or an intense scene. But common sense tells me that if you can’t handle the drug, stay out of the chains.

There isn’t anything intrinsically wrong with after-care (I just know someone is going to misunderstand this). It’s not like I would (or have) shun(ned) a bit of cuddling and sweet whispers after a scene. But it’s not something that’s ever been so important to me that it’d make or break a scene or even a relationship.

And there isn’t anything intrinsically wrong with romanticizing BDSM if that’s your trip (and I’m pretty sure that’s what this demand for aftercare is about), either. There are so few hard and fast rules in the BDSM world, and pretty much everything is left open to interpretation.

I knew a couple in California that was the epitome of that. Long time married couple, got into d/s later in their marriage. He immediately became Super Romantic Dom! And she became sweet simpering sub girl. They were friends of ours, and as people I liked them. But for the love of all that’s holy, just because my ex M and I didn’t play that way doesn’t mean we were doing it wrong. Not every gets choked up when the collar goes on. Not everyone gets whimper-y when they kneel.

BDSM is about different things for different people. Accept that, or be gone.

Maybe I just get frustrated with people who feel the need to point and say “bad dom!” for things that other of us would consider normal or expected.

Just because he isn’t a match for your needs doesn’t make him evil. Just because she needs more than you want to give her doesn’t mean she’s needy, either. Everyone needs something different. Somewhere out there is the partner that will give it to you. Don’t settle.

And if you do settle, please don’t whine to us when he won’t wrap you up in a blanket and feed you cookies when he’s done beating the hell out of you.