This Weeks' Big Question

From Weeds, Season Three, Episode Two:

Man #1: So, you would suck a dick?
Man #2: Yes, I think I would, if it was the right dick.

So, here's my question.

How do we know when it is the right dick?

More on that later.

PS from last night

I went to bed thinking about that whole vulnerable thing. I actually read a bit before I shut the light off even though I went up late because I wanted to try and distract myself from all this heavy thinking.

Didn't help. Still went to sleep thinking about it.

It isn't that I don't *want to feel vulnerable to someone else. It's that I don't know if I *can.

This image is still very appealing to me. The desires that drive my libido are the same (well...they do change somewhat day to day...I am still a creative little bitch after all *grin) . But it's not the physical desire and ability that is at issue here -- it's my ability to let go emotionally. And I guess that if I'm not in a full blown relationship with someone, maybe the emotional isn't all that important.

I'm hoping that recognizing this disconnect between wanting to be open and being able to be open will bring about some change inside me.

And if it doesn't, maybe I just need to find one of those "natural dominants" that R keeps telling me about to spank me back into line ~

Let It Fly

There was a time that I watched very little television.

And then there's now, and I watch too much.

Around 10pm, I wandered into my office, without turning the light on, and fired up iTunes and started playing random songs from my list of mp3s.

Music inspires me. Always has. There is very little about TV in general that does that. I need to learn to turn that stupid silver box off and just put the music on more often.

After listening to some Dave Matthews (Crash) and some Rolling Stones (Gimme Shelter) and some Bob Seger (Wait For Me) and some Bonnie Raitt (Thing Called Love) and finally some John Mayer (Say), I fired this up.

I needed to. I like needing to write. I've missed that so much.

I mentioned the last song, "Say", in my Return to Blogging post. I am inspired by this song. Again, I kinda think John has a screw or two loose (take a look at his romantic history, you'll understand), but these lyrics are wonderful.

"Say" Lyrics and Music by John Mayer (Quoted in italics below)

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say

You can't take it back. But you can't be free of it until you let it fly.

Making myself vulnerable is not as easy as it once used to be for me. As I said in my post about having an open heart, the self-protective part of me kicked into high gear hard core when my marriage crumbled up 5 years ago (god, it's almost been five years....wow). I can make all the fucking excuses in the world about not dating but that's the whole of it. And rather than losing the weight I lost making that better, I think in some ways it's made it worse. More on that when I am not thinking about other things.

I made myself vulnerable a few weeks back. I opened a door that probably should have remained closed, but it had to be opened so that I could step through it and "let it fly". It definitely spurred some feelings in me that I had not expected it to spur. It was much more difficult than I had imagined that it would be.

I wonder now, if that hesitation to be vulnerable isn't a large reason that I stepped out of the BDSM lifestyle. Because I can't or I don't want to lay myself open to that extent again. I mean, I'm not convinced that it is, but it's possible, and something that I need to consider.

On the other hand, it's also entirely possible that I just had far too many shitty BDSM relationships to believe that one based on that can work. My friend, R, argues with me about that every time we speak. He believes in his soul that I am a natural submissive and that I will not be happy in a relationship again unless I find a natural dominant. I'm not entirely sure anymore that there is any such thing.

Do I sound jaded? I'm really not. But I am realistic and I do base all of this on my own personal experience.

Does the idea of bondage and 'rough language' and spankings/floggings/etc still make me wet? Of course they do. But I'm not sure I can make myself emotionally vulnerable enough again for that. Physically vulnerable? No problem! It's just my body. It's not my soul, for pete's sake.

I'm writing about this tonight, when I was actually considering going to bed an hour ago, but here I am, writing --- because this whole thing pisses me off. This is not me. This is not who I have always been. This is not who I want to be. I mean, okay, look -- I realize that being 100% the opposite way -- the way I have always been -- obviously didn't work for me either. But I don't run scared. I don't hide. I don't do this. And I don't like doing it.

I used to be fearless.

But I think it's a lot easier to be fearless when you don't realize what you have to lose. And I have been shown too many times what I have to lose.

Me.

That's an unacceptable loss.

So, What is the Point?

I'm on my last set of Swingtown episodes. That makes me a little sad. I really have enjoyed this series.

In the 10th episode, when the daughter of the newly swinging couple runs away and gets picked up by an old lady for a ride.

The old lady is a font of wise words, not least of all, is this:

"Forever is not the point."

If it's not, what is?

And if it's not, is that such a bad thing?

What is it about me?

I'm always curious about what people find attractive or sexy about me. For a long time, I needed that affirmation from the men that I slept with to base my own self-esteem now. But now, it's because I like to know what I project well, and what I still need to work on.

The answers from those that I've asked are varied and interesting. My first husband said it was my walk, and the little dip above my upper lip. The second fell in love with my breasts, and he was definitely not alone. The man between those was attracted to my sexuality and openness, mostly because his ex wife was - in his words - a cold fish.

I haven't asked anyone recently. Maybe I should.

If I were to answer the question myself, I'd probably start with my eyes. Big, green, expressive. I smile with my eyes, I talk with them, laugh with them. I have lips that Hollywood pays big bucks for. And my legs are 36 inches long. I have always, of course, used my breasts to their best advantage as well -- there was a time in my life where every piece of clothing I owned showed a certain level of cleavage.

I think that my open sexuality probably has a lot to do with it, too. My interest and openness to kink, without it being *everything* I am. (Yes, folks, even Jill likes a regular no tricks fuck once in awhile). These things are important to men who take their sex seriously, and they are important to me as well.

I do think that it's important for me to be able to name the things about myself that are sexy. 10 years ago, I'm pretty sure that it would have been a pretty short list, but now I have a lot more perspective, and while the weight loss has a lot to do with that, it's not the only thing. It's also the five years of not being in a serious relationship. I have been forced to base my self-image on ...well, myself. I am not depending on anyone else's perception of who I am or what I look like. It's all about me right now.

That time has not been easy. As a serial monogamist for the biggest part of my adult life, being a soloist for five years has been tough. But it's opened my eyes to a lot of things, and it's allowed me to see things for what they are. It has helped. And I am grateful for it.

Not so grateful that I want to go another five years though. :)

The Importance of Seduction

I've read a million times that all men are almost always trying to seduce any woman they find even a little bit attractive. I'm still not convinced that that's true, but maybe I'm just meeting the wrong kinds of men. Or I've just met a lot of men that aren't very clear about it. Either is possible.

Seduction is important. And I firmly believe that it's not just the man's job to do this. Even after you are in a relationship, continued effort put into this very significant activity. Sex inside a continuing relationship is expected and encouraged, but how you get there is more important than actually being there.

Everyone who reads here knows by now that I am a lingerie addict. Part of the appeal of sexy underthings and nightwear is that it puts everything up front and right on the table and in such a way that it's not blatant and cold. Coming to someone naked and saying "Fuck me" might be unexpected and fun sometimes, it's almost cliche and unemotional. There is something to be said for being that upfront sometimes, but it's uncreative and uninspired.

Anyone who knows me knows that a lot of creativity is encouraged and necessary to keep me flowing...so to speak...

A lot of my reading has also led me to believe that while men might have the desire to be seductive, they aren't given the tools in their upbringing. The "strong silent type" of yesteryear has become the "cold, unemotional" type of now. Roles have changed, too. 50 years ago, women did not do half the things in the world that they do now, and I think our forefathers rules and practices do not fit with the world of today. Don't ask your father how to seduce a woman. It's likely he does not know.

Even if you're seducing a "sure thing" (someone who has already agreed to sleep with you, or someone you are in a relationship with), that doesn't mean it's not important to put in some effort other than tossing your clothes off and jumping onboard. It doesn't have to be expensive or complicated or over the top. It just has to be something other than saying "Hey. Wanna fuck?" (there is a time and place for that, but it's not every time or every place).

Seduction starts long before bedtime. Seduction starts the moment you start thinking about having sex with someone. It's your attitude, your energy output and your follow-through that determine IF you'll be having sex and how good that sex will be.

My personal experience with being seduced is mixed. Neither of my husbands had a clue. With the first, it was just 'take your nightshirt off' and my second husband was of the "wanna fuck?" variety (well until he didn't anymore). I've had various relationships in between where it happened sometimes and those were, I can honestly say, the best sex that I had had at that point. I, on the other hand, did put the effort in (because I wanted to, needed to, and because it's who I am) from the very beginning. There were times that I hung back and waited to see if my partner would reciprocate and when they did, I made sure they were very clear on my appreciation for that reciprocation. (Yes, ladies, please do be appreciative and show it)

It takes two (or more!) people to have a relationship and if the energy doesn't flow in both directions, one person is going to be tired all the time.

Every man and woman is different. You can't read a textbook on seduction and expect to be 100% successful, because what works on one person may not work on the next. You can spot those people who *did* find a book on the subject and studied it like a textbook. They use the same one-liners, the same moves, on every person they are interested in, and just wait for it to work on someone. Trial and error is important.

Overall, I think if I were to write seduction rules, they would be very basic, such as ....
- be respectful of boundaries
- smile, laugh and have a good time
- if one move doesn't work, try another one -- until you've been told to knock it off.
- Respect the 'knock it off'.
- be true to who you are, and don't try something outside your comfort zone unless you're sure you can be okay with it.
- Men: Don't come on too strong at first.
- Women: Don't drop hints unless the man knows you very well and knows what they mean. Most men don't "get" hints. Don't expect it to work unless you've already taught him how to interpret your hints.

Beyond that, put your heart and soul into it. If you want to sleep with someone, and you think they might feel the same way, give it some of your best energy and see where it goes.

This is supposed to be fun, right? Make it fun.

And on the other side of that, if you feel as if you're being seduced by someone that you have no interest in, please be kind and honest with them. Don't let them waste their time. Treat them as if you would want to be treated if they were you.

Don't take sex for granted, ever. In a moment, your partner can be gone -- or become uninterested. Put the effort in, and chances are, you will be rewarded either with great sex, or some honesty that you needed to know.

The Sexual Revolution meets Popular Culture. Head On.

I mentioned recently that I'd started getting Swingtown from NetFlix. I hadn't started watching it yet, but I'm 7 episodes into Season 1 (which is, unfortunately, the only season) and I am really enjoying it.



I got it, of course, because it's about the 1970s and the original swinger generation(and the fact that I love 70s music and get a kick out of the fashio). But while that part of the series is still intriguing me, it's also very well written and very well acted and I'm enjoying it on it's own, prime time merits.

After the first four episodes, I started doing some web searching to see if there were going to be more seasons, and was very disappointed to find out it only ran for one. I'm guessing that that's a combination of the hugely vocal (screeching) of the Religious Right and people just not 'getting it'. So, so, so disappointing.

I'm very much enjoying the relationship dynamics that unfold between couple who explore the 'open relationship' forum. It's something that I've never really experienced in full, and something that intrigues me and scares the crap out of me at the same time. I've been doing a lot of web reading on the subject, and have run across a couple of really interesting articles that are mostly realistic and not pushing either way on the subject. This one, from an Australian News Blog, in particular made me smile, because it wasn't bent the way that most articles written by a journalist on this subject had been.

I think it's important to distinguish here that there is a difference between couple who have fully open relationships and those who just play with the dynamic occasionally in the form of a threesome or foursome. To be honest, I'm not 100% sure that a fully open relationship would work for me. I don't know if I have the inner fortitude that's necessary for that, and frankly.... since I'm not in a relationship right now, it's kind of pointless to think about. As far as threesomes or foursomes are concerned, it's always something I am open to discussing inside a relationship but the openness and the honesty that's necessary to make that work really has not been present in any recent relationships I have had. You can't be shy about expressing yourself when you invite someone into a bed built for two. If you are, it'll end up hurting one, two or all people involved. There has to be a strong level of comfort for all parties. No comfort = no fun.

Porn makes swinging -- and threesomes and orgies -- look easy. But in Swingtown, it's much more realistic, which is one of the reasons I'm enjoying it so much. This may be one set of DVDs I end up buying, because I know I'll want to watch it again.

Something I never had

All of my life, people in my family have told me that I was built like my grandmother's sister. Everything in the front, nothing in the back. And it's true. I have always had above-average sized breasts and a flat ass.

With all of the weight loss, my body definitely changed. And some of those changes, I've been consciously working toward.

Like actually having an ass. (No, this is not my ass. My ass has yet to be photographed :p)

This did not happen on it's own. A lot of exercise bike and some very specific exercises geared toward building some volume back there. So far, so good. When I put on a pair of jeans, there is actually a curve. I'm continuing to work at it every day, even though I'm not really riding the bike. It has good side effects; it's actually taken some size off my outer thighs as well. I have great hopes. I'm hoping that I'm going to be able to do some shaping on my own, because the plastic surgery that I still need isn't going to happen for a while yet. I want it. But I don't want to sacrifice the work I'm doing to get my finances in better shape to get it done right now.

Another side effect of this is that I'm happier with how I look in clothes (from the back anyway *grin*). That builds confidence.

As I said the other day, I'm still not satisfied with my weightloss and in my head, I still need to lose another 10-15 pounds. I was told recently that I'm nuts, and that what's left is all skin, but I'm not sure I buy that yet. I know that I have unrealistic expectations. My head is firmly ensconced in popular media, and I definitely don't look the way I really want to look. Again, the surgery would help, but I still want to try and get a bit more off before I go back to the surgeon for another evaluation.


Awhile back, I bought a pair of these panties (right) from Victoria's Secret (mine are light blue with polka dots). They laid in my dresser for months (I did wear them once, then put them away), but I got an opportunity to wear them again recently, and I was definitely happier with them than the first time I put them on. They fit like they were supposed to fit. I felt utterly and completely sex-kitten in them and I think they had the desired effect. I've said it before, and I will say it again. Life is too short for cheap, ugly underwear and this occasion certainly drove that home for me.

So there are little things that I can do - and am doing - to alter my body in ways that do my body and my mind good.

I know that my previous postings about my body have been more negative, but frankly, I am grateful for this little thing (or, big thing that used to be little?) and that I've been able to accomplish it.

I'm never going to look like little Miss Victoria Secert above. But then again, she's never going to have my sense of humor and my overwhelming obsession with sex and pleasure either.

Everything evens out.

Sometimes, Different is just different.

A couple of months ago, I finally caved to societal progress and bought a new toy. You know, one of those rabbit thingies.

To be honest, I wasn't sure I wanted one. I'm pretty happy with my old school Hitachi Magic Wand . It has served me well for nearly ten years and alone, or combined with other toys, it's always done the job, and done it quickly.

The Rabbit is also quick. The Rabbit also does it's job quickly. But let me tell you -- it's a whole different kind of orgasm. It has not replaced the Hiatchi, and never would, but it certainly has gotten used more than a couple of times *grin

(This is not a product review or an endorsement. Don't go buy one of these because I did. I speak only for myself).

I've said for years that there are as many different kinds of orgasms as there are ways to have orgasms. I don't know if that's the same for men or not. I guess I'll have to take a poll on that later *smirk. Orgasms (mine) are different when there is clitoral stimulation along with having something inside me, when it's just my clit being played with (and even this is different because there is direct and indirect stimulation and they are different..), or when you throw in anal stimulation as well. They are all different, and they feel different. Even time to time they can feel different.

I think that's the body's way of never letting us get bored *grin

Most of the time that I play here alone, I play upstairs. I do have a few toys downstairs but unless there is specific inspiration, I usually just go upstairs to my bedroom.

On the way to work the other day (I so rarely listen to the radio, but they caught my ear...) the token female that plays off the two obnoxious men (aren't ALL radio stations like that in the morning?) was talking about her masturbation habits (in radio language, of course). She said that when she gets the urge to "take care of business", she goes up to her room, pulls out the vibrator, and 45 seconds later, she's up and on her way. I kind of giggled at her, and gave her an unseen thumbs up, because sometimes, that's exactly the way I am, too. It's not about sex as much as it's about releasing the pent up sexual frustration.

I'm not always that way though. Sometimes I play slow, pulling out more than one toy and take my time through 2 or 3 orgasms. I wish I did that more. I consider that a treat, and I'm not sure I should... I don't think giving myself what I need should be a treat.

Those quickie orgasms with the Hitachi have their place, and typically it's right before I go to sleep. I almost always sleep better after having one. On those nights when I can't sleep, I might have two or even three of them, trying to get my body to let go.

But those orgasms are completely different from the ones I have with a rabbit, or the ones that I have with a partner. If I had to put terms to it, I'd say that quick ones at night were 'well being' orgasms, whereas the others are pure pleasure.

Different, but not good different or bad different. Just different.

So yes. I give the rabbit a thumbs up. Well worth the investment. Just make sure you have spare batteries *grin*

Movie Night

Considering the post I just wrote, and that there is NOTHING on TV tonight, I ordered "He's Just Not That Into You" off of pay-per-view. I love Ginnifer Goodwin, and I did read this book when it first came out, so I figured maybe it'd make me laugh (it has) and smile (it has) .

Pearls of Wisdom, and snickers:

If a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions.

Him: "Did you just say dry hump?"
Her: "Yea."
Him: "I think I just fell in love."

"So, what, I'm just supposed to run from every guy who doesn't like me?"
"Well, yea."
"There isn't going to be anybody left."

"Guys invented the spark so they didn't have to call. They can treat you kinda bad, and keep you guessing ... and they convince you that, that anxiety and that fear that just develops naturally is actually just a spark. "

Sometimes, the truth is much funnier than fiction.

Let's Define Open, Shall We?

I'm pretty open. I don't hold a lot back when I'm talking about sex, my family, my job. I go to my friends with an open heart and am rewarded time after time for it.

I have said repeatedly, and I believed whole-heartedly that I have kept my heart open as far as more serious kind of relationships are concerned.

And I still believe it. But I don't think the definition of it is the same right now.

It's no secret that my last serious relationship ended because my ex wanted out. He wanted to lose his responsibilities (including me) , and as much as I tried to make it better, it ended badly. It's all right though, that part -- I'm over.

But that relationship was just one in a line of relationships that ended unfavorably, and to be honest, my soul is pretty bruised up still now. I'm sure that's why I haven't worked very hard at meeting new people, men included.

I am open to meeting someone, but I am not very willing to put myself out there first. I have avoided that purposefully. So while I am open, it seems to be entry only. I can think of only two times I've attempted to put myself out there in the last 5 years and neither experience ended the way I'd have liked it to. I'd like to say that it hasn't affected me, and that I continue to strive to be open in both directions, but I'm not sure that's the case.

Okay, I'm trying to strive.

Now, keeping in mind that I am emotionally driven person, I am also a logic driven person. It's a constant battle in my head most of the time, and I find that if I do not react to something almost immediately in an emotional way, I likely won't do it at all. Logic will take over. Logic will win. Most of the time.

Obviously, all of this affects my sex life. I'd likely be having a lot more of it if I were more willing to step outside of my safe little corral here. I have always said that for sex to mean something to me, it has to be with someone that I have a rapport with; a friendship, a flirtation, something. I used to make those kinds of connections easily, but anymore, I find myself a lot more cautious than I used to be. Occasionally, I am reminded why... but mostly it's because I don't try.

Part of the reason I have started writing again is because since I haven't been, I've kept so much locked up. I need to let it out, discuss it, lament it --- so that I can move onto the next thing and start fixing some of these little annoyances and get ON with it.

4 Lessons I Have Learned in Jill 101 this week

I have unrealistic expectations in almost every area of my life.

I spend more time looking backward than forward, which would explain some of the larger bruises on my soul.

I am just as afraid of looking like a fool as I am of failure.

Coffee is a cure-all for almost anything that ails me.

Mirrors Suck

So, it took me about a year to lose 10 pounds. Maybe 15. I honestly don't know. I put the scale away last November and I've only had it out once since then. I spent way too much energy trying to please a piece of electronic gadgetry and it had to come to and end. I know depend more on my clothes and how I feel to know how I'm doing.

But even with all that, I still don't see things accurately in the mirror. I still feel much bigger than I (apparently) am. It affects my sense of self some days. Some days are better than others.

I mentioned to a friend of mine the other day that I had considered going to get another fill in the band. He gently (well, maybe not so gently) pointed out to me that a fill isn't probably going to help me anymore because I am already limiting my calorie intake every day. He's right of course (and will be smirking to read that, I'm sure) but I am frustrated because I'm not losing weight anymore, and I still feel, on most days, like I need to.

Self-perception has never been my strong suit. 4 years ago, before I was banded, I would have been absolutely thrilled to be at the weight I am now. But now that I'm here, I feel like I want to lose some more before I'm really finished.

Still, all in all, I notice little things that do give me more boosts. I am much more comfortable in some of my clothes (especially things that are a little sexier, or lingerie. Even some of my panties fit now like they should, rather than 'they fit').

And all of that goes a long way to making me feel sexier, and building confidence. I am, most assuredly, better than I was, even six months ago. But there is more room for growth (emotionally only please!) and I am always striving for more and better.

Feeling sexy is important to me. Considering my fascination with all things sexual, this makes sense. Sexy is not all physical. Sexy is also mental, and emotional and as I express myself in different ways, I feel the mental parts of me getting more in tune with the physical.

I feel that I have made huge strides in these areas. But again, the mirror lies to me on most days. It is good to hear from people that are not my family, that I am not as big as my mind thinks I am. It cannot cure me, but it does help, because it forces me to *look*.

I like to look.
Do you?

There was a time ....

There was a time when a smell -- a word -- a thought -- the way someone looked at me -- or something I caught out of the corner of my eye would spark a sexual fantasy. I would roll that one piece of information around in my head until it started to have a life of it's own, and then I would allow myself to build elaborate sexual scenes around it. And then I would make a note of it, and when I had time to write, I would write a piece of erotica, all based on that one piece of information. I once wrote a 22 page fantasy all from my perception of what I thought a friend of mine from online would wear. My mind was wide open in that time.

I miss that time. I'm working to let myself get back to that time.

As I said the other day, other things have taken precedence in my life lately. Work, mostly. Gaming some. Wallowing in my own sense of indifference as far as most of my life is concerned. (I hate admitting that. I almost didn't.)

I'm trying to get my life simplified and organized. I'm giving stuff away and trying to decide what I have that I *need* and what I have *just to have it*. I'm trying to do that with all areas of my life.

Now that I've started to strip things away, I'm hoping to have more room for my imagination to roam in. I'm taking down fences that I've put up over the last few years. I don't build walls, typically. I build fences. Fences can be jumped, if someone is motivated enough. I've tried to walk through walls. It hurts.

And yes, I do realize that I just spent two posts waxing not-so-poetically about what my allowing myself to get back to writing erotica may or may not have meant to past, present or future relationships.

But here's the thing: This is who I am. I may not be Screamer anymore and I may not be a Mrs and I may not be little miss fucking perfect, but I am a writer and I need to write.

I have to wonder if my desire to write fantasy (not sexual fantasy....fantasy as in Sci-Fi/Fantasy) subconsciously but a hold on the erotica. Maybe I didn't think I could do both. Maybe I thought to be taken seriously as a writer I had to write other things. Maybe a part of me still does.

But taken seriously or not, I'm not going to turn my back on a genre that has allowed me such creative freedom; allowed me to publish an entire book of poetry and numerous fiction stories and non-fiction articles in magazines; allowed me a certain amount of notoriety in a community filled with notable people. Especially when that genre is where I feel at home.

I still want to write fantasy. And I will.

But if I did indeed shut out erotica in favor of something else (and I'm not sure I did, just possible), it was the wrong approach if my aim was to Keep writing. Because I did not keep writing. I parked my ass in the living room and watched TV. This is not the way to write.

And now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to do some brainstorming and let my imagination run again.

And another thing....

There was another thing that came out of the conversation mentioned in the previous post. I was talking about how I think my in-your-face sexuality has impacted my past relationships, and as I was typing, it occurred to me that there may be yet another side effect.

Can being the "sexy" girl or the "fun girl" preclude me being THE girl? Does it keep me from being taken seriously as someone to have an important relationship with? Do people get to know me "as the chick who loves sex" and then stop looking any deeper? Fun for awhile but not for a long term thing? Is it perceived, since it's so up front with me, that that's all I am or all I want?

I'm pretty sure that it's not. But it did cross my mind and it definitely was worth exploring for a short time.

I think I'm done, though. I would never speak ill of being called fun or sexy. These are traits I am happy to wear the title of. And if someone looks at me, and all they see is sex, then it's their eyes that need adjusted, not my sexy, fun attitude ~

And just to prove my point, here's a gratuitous, pointless but sexy and fun picture

This is just how I roll.

Too Much of a Good Thing...maybe

Even though I haven't been writing much lately, I have been thinking. I am always thinking. Sometimes, it would be nice to be able to shut that off, but since that's not going to happen anytime soon, I have learned to embrace my thoughtfulness.

It occurred to me awhile back to think about how I affect the people around me. If you've read anything in this blog, you'll know that I am very interested in sex -- they psychological, the physical, the emotional -- I read it. I talk it. I write it. I do it (well, I do it with someone else when I can *grin*). I recently sorted through my books, and pulled out all of the ones that I won't read again to give away (all of the library appropriate books will go to the library up by my folks and the non-library appropriate ones will go to the used bookstore...), and almost half of those books that will be leaving my home are about sex. Some fiction, a LOT of non-fiction. But that's a lot of books. The subjects are varied...but probably half of those going away are about BDSM books that I have been collecting for many, many years.

Anyway.

I do have a deep-seated interested in all things sexual and I wondered to a friend yesterday if that was perhaps intimidating to other people that I may be sleeping with. As he *is* someone that I've slept with, he had his own answer for this: Sometimes.

I'll admit that it stung. Not because I didn't expect it, because I did. But because knowing it was true was different.

My obsession with all things sexual started a very long time ago. In high school, I think, when I ran across a copy of the book Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) by David Reuben



This book fascinated me. (Actually, having written that, I just ordered a used copy of the revised edition from 1999 from Amazon). At 16, having grown up in a very Catholic family in a family small town in a Midwestern state, this book discussed things that not only had I not HEARD of, but that someone tweaked me in such a way that I started masturbating even more than I had been before that, and my fantasy life suddenly came to life.








From there, it just grew. One couple I babysat for had a copy of The Joy of Sex. While the drawings in the book were odd to me, the information contained inside those covers continued my fascination. Fed me. Propelled me to look for more to look for more...and more ... and more....

Other people I babysat for had actual porn novels. And Frederick's catalogs from when the pictures were mostly drawn, not photographed (they were old catalogs).

It hasn't really stopped. Ever. I guess you could say I never really settled down.

All of this writing about sex and talking about sex certainly was never intended to make anyone feel intimidated...not even a little. I guess I can understand it though. The same friend and I play an online game together. He is considerably better at many things in that game than I am, and I often feel intimidated when trying something new with him around me.

But it still bothers me that indeed - my captivation with sex may have caused issues in my past relationships, too.

I think that my past, having participated heavily in the BDSM community for a number of years and having been published many times in that genre also intimidates potential playmates. That bothers me, too.

But to be honest, these are not things I can change. Could I hide my interest in all things sex and kink, and pretend to be a shy, vanilla girl? Sure. But how long do you think that would really last? And it's dishonest. It doesn't work. It will never work.

I am okay with who I am in this.

And I'm pretty sure that it's never ended a relationship that didn't need to be over, nor do I think it has prevented a relationship that was meant to be. But it does give me pause, and makes me wonder if I don't need to tone it down a little bit until people get to know me VERY well.

Where the Links Lead You...

While looking for links to include in this post, I followed a couple of links that led me to interesting places.




This DVD caught my eye firstly, and I've bookmarked a site to order it from. I love educational sex videos. Whether they are campy or truly educational, I find them immensely entertaining. And isn't that what porn is supposed to be? Entertaining? Okay, okay...it's supposed to be other things too... *smirk* But y'all know my interest in rough sex (more on that later), so this one really caught my eye. Hopefully it won't be disappointing.

But I also came across this site , and in particular this link . I'm pretty sure "rough" in the title of this particular article does not refer to rough the way I was searching for, but more as in "not streamlined". That's fine. It was an interesting read anyway.

This line, in particular, caught my attention: "So if our secret fantasies are not mental rehearsals for something that we actually plan to do, what on earth are they, and what are they saying about ourselves?"

Quite right, "Even Happier", quite right.

There are many fantasies I have had throughout the years that I have absolutely NO desire to act out outside of my dirty little mind. Some, I don't even share with other people -- not because I'm ashamed, but because I do not want to have them misconstrued -- as in "she wants to do WHAT?"

What happens in "Jill's Mind" should sometimes stay in "Jill's Mind".

Yours, too. It's all right. Really it is.

For some reason, men seem to have a harder time sharing their sexual fantasies (this is my experience...it's all I got ya know) with the women they are sexual with. I don't know if it's because they don't want to make us insecure, or if they, too, want to keep them as masturbatory fodder rather than take a chance on them actually being brought to fruition. Or maybe other reasons. But if you say to me "I have no sexual fantasies" have no doubt...I *am* going to call you a liar.

I can't speak for all women, but I can say that I do like to hear about the fantasies of my sex partner. Please feel free to preface it with "I don't want to do this in real life but the thought of ..... makes me cum so fast when I jack off..." and know that I will listen and take you seriously. If you don't say that...well, maybe I will see about trying to make it come true *smirk*

Back to the quote...yes, I did get off track. Did you miss me? lol

"what are they saying about ourselves"

They're saying we like sex. They're saying that maybe there are parts of us still unexplored that should be explored. They're saying that we are healthy of mind, because we want sex and we want to enjoy sex -- and in our minds, at least, we know that sex is not bad.

I honestly believe that unless you are fantasizing about sex with people or animals that cannot consent to having sex with you (which do fall under the "I don't really want to do this" section...right? RIGHT?) --- or unless you are fantasizing about causing harm to another person or yourself (not hurt. harm. hurt can be fun...), whatever lives in your mind is fine. I think we judge ourselves much more harshly than the normal every day red-blooded human being would judge us.

We honestly need to cut ourselves some slack.

I have scissors.....

Letting go of what was

I gave up thescreamergirl.com last year. Just let it go. It was sad for me, in a way, but in all honesty, the website had a great run and had it's run at popularity and fun.

I don't think of myself as The Screamer Girl anymore. She was me, 100%, but I haven't participated in the BDSM community for many years. No conferences, no local groups, no active writing and teaching. I get a hankering for it once in awhile, and I still have a very active interest and fantasy life in BDSM but I don't do much as far as participation anymore. Some days I'm fine with that. On a rare day, I'm not. I don't think I'll ever be Screamer again. But having it - the d/s part anyway - in my life on an occasional basis would be very good for me.

In the last six months, I've written no erotica. My mind has been occupied with many other things. Gaming, work...work has gotten much busier and stressful... my grandmother passed away.... trying to get divorced (well, I would be if I could find the other party in the case ...). Most of my attention been focused decidedly OFF the areas of my brain that drive my sexual imagination, and besides a few very nice days with a friend who pushes the right buttons, it's been off the physical side of my sexuality as well.

*sigh* I miss it. I am hoping that starting to write here --- to express myself in this manner --- to think about sex, talk about sex --- will fire me back up. Actually, it already sort of has.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste (god, I'm quoting tshirts now ...).

I'm tired of wasting mine.

Educational yet Fun

I fired up my Netflix account again recently. TV is less and less appealing to me lately so I've been surfing the Netflix site looking for things that interest me.

In addition to "The L Word" and "Big Love" and such, I surfed through the documentary section and came across this little gem:



Inside Deep Throat

I got it, mostly out of a sense of curiosity, but I ended up really enjoying it. In addition to the legal battles "Deep Throat" had to go through, there was quite a bit of information about the "Sexual Revolution" of the 70's, which is a subject I always enjoy hearing about. There was an endearing elderly woman, speaking to a news camera (clip inside the movie) and she said "I liked it. I wanted to see
a dirty picture and that's what I saw. But I want the right to see that picture.
I don't want somebody telling me that I can't see a dirty picture." I loved that quote.

The director of the movie (which I actually did see, many many years ago) says that he was hoping at some point the XRated movie industry and the regular movie industry would merge and work together.

Yea, that'll never happen. It's a nice dream, and let's face it -- it would be good in some ways if sex were more accessible to more people without having to hide or go to 'the wrong side of town' to find movies (or, I guess now...it's mostly on the internet huh..).

But in other ways? It'll never happen because the porn industry will not let it happen. Are you kidding? A very big part of the appeal of pornography is that it's dirty and forbidden. If it were mainstream, the participants would not make near the money that they do, nor would they have the notoriety that they do. They'd be forced to have plotlines. And just like every thing else, regulation would kick in, and it the good porn would only be available - again - in a dirty and forbidden place.

It's a nice ideal to have though -- to want people to feel the freedom that *you* want to feel where your sexuality is concerned. I know that while I feel a great deal of freedom in my own, I always reach for and crave more. Even me -- little miss open and honest -- yea, there are some things that occur to me, come to me, fascinate me... that I just don't write about or talk about. Not that I can't. Not that I shouldn't. I just don't.

The movie was good, though, and I highly recommend it if you're interested in that sort of thing.

From Netflix, I also got Thinking XXX

















This was a documentary about the making of a photo book that pictures porn stars in their street clothes, and naked. I got it mostly because Nina Hartley is in it, and I like her very much (her instructional videos, especially her guide to Oral Sex and the guide to Anal Sex. They contain actual sex scenes as well as instruction and they are wonderful.) I was pleasantly impressed by it, and it turned out to be a very good watch.

Again, porn interests me. Not just actually watching it, but the psychology that is involved in both the people who act in it and the people who produce it and the people who buy it. It's interesting to hear the stories and I was very happy to see that he not only shot the young stars...but the middle aged stars and some older stars as well. The concept of the book is very cool.

What's in from Netflix right now? Bliss, Season 1 and the first disk of Swingtown Season 1, which may or may not be good. It's a good concept. We'll see if it carries through.

And yes, there are some normal shows in my queue, too. I've seen the first two seasons of Weeds, and the first season of "How I Met Your Mother". So I'm not completely wrapped up in sex.

Not right now anyway.

*Achoo*

Sorry. The dust got me.

I've been thinking about this blog a lot lately. Wondering if I shouldn't delete it and start over, or at the very least, go back and delete some of the nonsense I've written.

But you know what? It's not nonsense. Not at all.

John Mayer has a new song out called "Say".(I'm not a John Mayer fan, btw. Dude is weird if you ask me.) There isn't much to the lyrics, but there is a lot of him singing "Say what you need to say".

That's what I have always tried to do here. Say what I needed to say. And while there was at times some significant editing going on (to protect the innocent or the guilty, your choice), I've typically found a way around that to get to the heart of the matter, in one way or another.

I hate editing myself. I do so much of it -- around my folks or around people at work. I absolutely hate the idea of doing it in my writing.

So as of right now, I have no intention of closing this blog to start another, nor do I have any immediate plans delete any posts. I may start a PG rated blog at some point, for those times when I don't necessarily want to write about sex. (That way, some of my other friends could read it lol) If I do, I'll link it here for the people who are insistent about not missing anything.

Don't think I'll be linking this one to that though *grin* Because the intent of this blog remains the same.

Now if I can just make myself write more often .... Who wants to crack the whip? :)