Unnoticed

Over the weekend, I was screwing around with my iPod. Rearranging, changing playlists. Getting ready to start walking on my lunch hour again (since the bike is still tearing my knee up *sigh*). I ran across a playlist I made awhile back called "Different Chick Music".

Now, I'm a big fan of female singers. Maria McKee (of Lone Justice fame, if you can call it that), Stevie Nicks (The Highwayman, nuff said), Sarah McLachlan (no one sings a depressing song quite like Sarah does), Annie Lenox (much more her solo stuff than her Eurythmics stuff), Bonnie Raitt (yummy, Lady Sings the Blues and hits my emotions like a mac truck). But that's not what was in this playlist. This was a list with one-off hits from soundtracks and other various places. Ladies who I don't own more than 1 or 2 songs from. Joni Mitchell (Case of You), Lisa Hall (Is This Real), Liz Phair, Michelle Branch (ok, maybe I have 3 of hers)...to name a few.

Anyway, I stuck the iPod in the iHome (iBiteMe that's a pain in the ass to type), and let that playlist go while I was doing some stuff around the house on Saturday, and one of my favorite songs from a soundtrack came on. I hadn't heard it for awhile. The song is called "Nowhere and Everywhere, and is written and sung by Michelle Lewis. (As a side note, that song, plus the Joni Mitchell and the Lisa Hall song are all off the Practical Magic soundtrack, which remains my all-time favorite movie soundtrack ever. And the movie rocks pretty hard, too) I've always liked the lyrics, but one line in particular stuck in my head for the rest of the weekend:

"And though she entered unnoticed, you will feel it when she leaves ...."

For most of my life, up until the last few years, and with the exception of a few wilder years in my twenties, I've dressed and acted in such a way that I remained unnoticed. I don't make any bones about the fact that that was because of my weight and my self-esteem issues at the time. I didn't wear a lot of bright colors (black, grey, dark reds) and I didn't wear flashy jewelry (still don't really) or hats (which I love). I kept my appearance neat, clean and .... unnoticed. (Can't say that anymore. Happy about that :D)

But my personality pretty much speaks for itself. And while you may *not have noticed me simply from an attractiveness standpoint (although, hey - I am a pretty girl :p), you might well have noticed me for how I behave and what I *am*. But not immediately. And not consciously. Never consciously.

Nearly each and every time I would break up with someone (or them with me, mostly it was them with me), they'd come sniffing around again - months, even years later. The only one I ever took back was C (and we see how THAT turned out, don't we?). Why? Because they didn't come back for *me. They came back for what I did for *them.

I give. I am typically enthusiastic. I make people feel good - not because I have to, but because it's just pretty much part of who I am. I have *tried to be the bitch and I have *tried to play the games that those women who broke your hearts play, but I suck at that, and I despise doing something I suck at. (ok, well....nm).

Many people see giving of yourself, and being nice to other people as a risk. I never have (unless it was something that impacted me, or could impact me in a negative way). I tried to do it differently. I have been called "too nice for my own good" more times than I can count. And considering the ways in which I have been fucked over, I'm sure they're probably right. But I don't know how to change it, and I'm not entirely sure I would if I could.

And so, I entered unnoticed. And they felt it when I was gone. I get it. That's kinda sneaky. I like it. /smirk