Intuition and Instinct

I strongly dislike being wrong.

I realize that I’m not in the minority there. Most people would prefer to be right in most cases, but most people also take being wrong better than I do. I think I’ve said before that C’s favorite words to hear from me were “You were right.” Even as recently as last year when I drove out there to collect the rest of my things from his apartment, I was forced to say those words and I had to grit my teeth to get them out.

I used to trust my instinct almost 100 percent. Until I realized that it was that same instinct that got me into a ration of shit with the last couple relationships I had. I don’t like not trusting my ‘first reaction’ but it seems that I’ve had to stop and re-evaluate my own gut reactions to things more and more. And while I do see that my intuition is still batting better than 75 percent, I’ve learned to stop and think a bit, before jumping to conclusions.

I guess that’s not a bad thing. Right?

Consequently, I find myself editing my thoughts and words more and more. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, either, as I have been known to regret things immediately after saying them sometimes, but it’s hard to get into the habit of doing it.

In talking with a friend yesterday, I found myself in one of these conundrums. I had wanted to ask him a question. And yet, no matter how I tried to word it, it wasn’t coming out the way I wanted it to, so I simply didn’t ask. Maybe my psyche kept the words from me because it wasn’t the right time to ask the question. Or maybe, it was my intuition not wanting to ask, because we (she and I) didn’t really want to hear the answer. I’ve been thinking about it a lot today. And part of me regrets not just tossing it out there, worded right or *not. And the other part of me is relieved that I didn’t ask.

Having said that, and having ‘changed my ways’ so to speak, the one area in which I’ve tried very hard to *not stifle myself is my sexuality.

Know why?

You’re going to make a wrong move in bed with someone at some point. You’re going to inadvertently elbow someone, scratch them (not in a good way), get tangled up, leave bruises (unintentional ones :p). Fucking is not an exact science, and no matter what, eventually something is going to go wrong. And that’s all right. It happens to leave room for one of my favorite things to do in bed, and that’s *laugh.

Over-thinking every move you make in bed is one of the worst possible things you can do. As I said in an earlier post, of course there are things that require planning (where’s the condoms? The lube? The chainsaw? (kidding!)), but if you try to plan out some kind of elaborate seduction, leaving no room for instinct, you’re going to be sorely disappointed when it’s all said and done.

So I try not to do it.

Of course, I may think a bit before saying something – either trying to decide if it’s the right thing to say or the right time to say it. I may resist the urge to do something that I’m not convinced that the person I’m with will be very receptive to. Chances are, though, that if I do resist an urge, I’ll ask the person later, and see what their reaction is. If it’s positive, the next time the urge strikes, I’m free to just do it.

I’ve always been this way. While I spend a good portion of my time thinking and writing about sex, I try not to do that while I’m actually *having sex. If I find myself thinking too much, I find myself enjoying *less. And hey. That’s not what I got naked for, okay?

I can think when I’m dressed, and back to worrying about being wrong /smirk.