What Did You See In Me?

I was walking down the hall the other day at work, feeling pretty good about how my day was going and an odd thought popped into my head. It made me stop and think a bit.

What was it about me that my exes were attracted to?

Well the first one was easy, and was the thought that came to me in the hallway. My first husband said one of the first things he noticed about me and liked was my walk. Personally I don’t think I have an unusual or a sexy walk, but he liked it and that was enough for me. He also liked the little dip above my upper lip. Mine is very pronounced, because of the shape and fullness of my lips.

Most of the time, if I ask a lover what attracted them to me, I get the obvious answer: My boobs. That’s a little discouraging, but all in all, at least it’s something, right? *grin. C. came right out and told me it was my chest, my lips and my blonde hair. With M, it was my writing and my eyes. I’ve also heard – long legs, smile, sense of humor and voice.

All in all, if you wrap all that up, it’s a pretty decent array of attractive qualities, made even better by the fact that I’m a lot healthier physically and emotionally than I was when I met – any of them. And more outgoing. And less afraid of people and life in general.

Besides the walk, most of what they’ve said about parts of me that were attractive I can agree with. I have always loved my lips, and I do have very long legs. I’m vain about my hair. I like my sense of humor and wit, and I have been told by more than one person that I have a great voice. And you know how I feel about my writing.

There are things about me, back then, that they also found attractive about me that would never be spoken but were obvious. I was easy. I was moldable. I was so happy that someone was attracted to me that I let their flaws take a back seat to the fact that they were interested in me. I was comfortable to be with because I did all the work and I made their job easy. They felt like they could do anything and I wouldn't leave them. And in some cases, they were right – up until the point that I found the One Thing that would break my will. And I never stayed then. No. Even with shitty self-esteem there was always part of me that knew when I’d had enough.

I think that point comes much sooner for me now. I’m less willing to put up with someone else’s bullshit for the sake of being mated. I’d actually rather be alone than have someone who didn’t treat me with respect.

I wonder how many of my exes would be attracted to That. Considering most of them, I’d say none. A few might surprise me. Like C. But the others wouldn’t stick around long, when they realized that they had to give a little to get a little.

But that’s all right. Because here’s the thing. I’m worth it.

So, I raise my glass of water to all of my exes in salute. Thank you for finding something besides my crap self esteem about me to like. And thank you for breaking my heart. Because of you, I am who I am today.

The sexy, kinky bitch who can write from her heart as well as her nether regions. And who can look in the mirror and see all of the good that you saw.

Now take a hike, cause it’s time to make room for a new set of admirers.