Revelation in Pink

For the better part of my life, pink has been banned from my wardrobe. I’ve never really been a girly-girl, and I think I look awful in pink. As a matter of fact, since high school, I can only remember one pink blouse – a very very light pink – a long tunic blouse with a keyhole neckline, which is the only reason I bought it (keyholes are my favorite, followed closely by a mandarin collar). I wore it til it fell apart. But I never took pink on as a color I’d even look at on any other item of clothing.

If I were being honest – and let’s face it, if I’m not honest in my writing here, what the fuck is the point of doing it – I’d say that at least 50 percent of my winter/fall closet for casual clothes (and even work clothes) are men’s shirts. Sweatshirts, long sleeve insulated shirts, stuff like that. Additionally, there is not one of them that’s appropriately sized - they’re all at least 2 sizes too big. They’re comfy. I never have to worry about how they look. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how they looked.

They look like shit.

I do have some feminine clothes. The sweater I wore to my cousin’s wedding for example was a beautiful cream color and had ‘seed pearls’ sewn onto the high neck and cuffs. I have some other sweaters that are equally feminine, and a lot of my spring/summer clothes are as well. But for the most part, I do not dress appropriately for my gender, my new body, or my personality. The fact is, I’m not sure how to dress the Jill of today. She’s not even close to who I’m usually buying clothes for.

I didn’t really ever give serious thought to pink before. I mean, I avoided it, but it was never a physical reaction to it. It just didn’t fit with who I was. I’m still not sure that I’m a pink girl. But while shopping for work pants today, I wandered into the ‘Intimates’ section (I really really need to stay out of there. Seriously. The panty fetish continues…) and the first pair that I stopped and picked up were black…

…with pink lace and detail.

I shocked myself a little by tossing them into my basket. And then promptly picked up another pair, again black, with the word ‘cutie’ written in cursive ….

…in pink.

Out of the 3 new pairs I bought today, two – count them, two – had pink on them.

It didn’t even occur to me until I was on my way back to work the significance of those purchases. It’s not so much the color, but what it represents: Pink is a girl’s color.

Being overweight for most of my adult life (ok, ok, my whole life) had a profound effect on the way I looked at myself in that regard. While I have full sexy lips and a larger-than-necessary chest, I’ve never felt girly. And at this point in my life, when I actually have a more feminine body , I should be dressing it accordingly.

Question is: How in the sam hell do I do that?

I’ll admit it. There are certain channels on TV that I watch more than others, and one of those is TLC. I watch “What Not To Wear” pretty often, hoping to pick up some tips about how to dress the me of today. And I have picked up a few rules and tried to apply them, but I’m almost frustrated enough with the whole thing right now that I’d pay a stylist a couple hundred bucks to look at me and show me what’s going to look good on me and what isn’t.

In the last three years, I have spent a metric fuckton of money on clothes. But not because I liked them, or because I was buying quality pieces. It’s because I had to buy stuff that fits. There’s a big difference between something that fits, and something that flatters. I’m still trying to figure out what that is.

The revelation in the car today about the whole pink thing reminded me that I’m a long way off from looking as good as I could. My nails are good, and my hair is good and my brows are good. But from the neck down and the wrists up, I need some serious help.

So either I start looking for a stylist, or I get a DVR from my cable company and start recording “What Not To Wear” every time it’s on. One way or another, something needs to change.

The pink is a good start. Let’s wait and see what tomorrow brings.