Growing Up

So, I got pretty pissed off last Tuesday when I did my taxes. And yes, I waited til the last minute because for the last couple years, I've owed to federal. Why pay them before I have to? Anyway, this married filing separately shit costs me money, and I'm sick of it. So I called C. And left him a wicked serious voice mail. And continued to be wicked serious when he called me back.

Somewhere between then, and Sunday night when he called again to tell me that he was too broke to file divorce papers (I straighted him out on that btw), something in me snapped. I have put so much stuff on hold for the last three years -- while I waited to get divorced, while I waited to hit my goal weight -- while I waited to decide where I wanted to live -- that I forgot that I was burning daylight so to speak, and that my life was continuing to move on, with or without my active participation.

Being on hold sucks. And even without the Muzak, it continues to drain life from me every day that I let it win.

So I'm done with that now. Or at least, I'm trying to be done with that. I made the appointment to go see my eye doctor for a checkup and a new pair of glasses. I made an appointment for Friday to go get my hair cut differently (not short, oh hell no, not the back anyway) and while I'm doing that on Friday I'm going to actually try some clothes on and try to break out of this "too big for me but safe" wardrobe thing I got goin' on. I need to learn to work with what I have now, not what I'll have in a year. And I need to learn to be happy with it, because let's face it. I'm a hell of a lot better off than I have been in my entire life. I'm working out at home, I'm walking on my lunch hour, and I'm actually seriously considering re-joining the gym across the street.

Before I get my name back, I'm going to have quit smoking too. Those will be the last two pieces to get put into the puzzle to solve it. Every week, the cigarette money will go into the Plastic Surgery fund instead of my lungs.

But until then, I'm going to learn to work with what is on my plate -right now-. And you know what? It's not all that bad.

At work, when I've been buried eyeball deep in a project for a few hours or a few days, I start to lose my perspective of the big picture. I become focused and tuned to it, and I start missing the pieces I can't see right in front of me at the time. And I started to do that with my life, too.

Enough. No more punishing myself for not being perfect yet.