Virtually Sex (Part One)

In the massive questionnaire, there were a couple questions about phone sex and cyber sex. I answered them there, but the idea of writing more about the topic of virtual sex has been kind of lingering at the back of my mind. I don’t have a plan here, about what to write about, but I’m going to just kind of let my mind do its thing.

Because honestly, it’s that the reason we’re *all here?

I got my first computer in the early 90’s. Shortly thereafter I installed AOL 1.0, and got connected. At first, it was a networking tool for my feminist projects, and a place to debate (Anyone from the old AOL Days remember “the Newsroom”?). I bet I’d been online a good six months before I realized that there were user created channels. Names like “Dark Parking Garage” and “Lonely Housewife” (I never went in there, but it certainly fit my life at the time). I went into one here or there, on the many nights when my first husband was out with his drinking buddies and such. I’d go in, giggle at the instant messages I’d get and the offers for ‘hot cyber’, then go back to doing something else. For awhile, anyway.

Eventually, my marriage got to be bad enough that I started considering trying out this ‘cyber’ thing that people kept asking me about. One night I got brave enough to actually say yes to one of the horny net guys asking me to ‘play’.

I remember that first foray into the cyber sex world. It was awful. I giggled my way through it, and logged out, swearing I’d never do it again. And I didn’t. For awhile anyway.

One evening I was looking through the list of user created rooms and found one named “Le Chateau”. Having recently read ‘The Story of O’ (picked up at a porn store that I went to with my first husband in an attempt to put some spark into our relationship), I found the name intriguing and I double clicked it, just to see ….

… and found a home.

I made friendships in the Chateau rooms (there were 3-4 at any given time) that I continue with today. I met M in one. I met C in one. I met a couple of ‘one weekend stands’ in them as well. And some very good people that I still communicate with now, and hold very dear.

Cyber was different in the Chateau rooms, but it was still very present and accounted for. There were just very heavy d/s overtones to it. And you know how I feel about that ….

After C and then M, I kinda walked away from the whole cyber thing. I hadn’t had a very good track record with using it as a way to meet people (well, duh!) so I just kinda stayed away from it.

Then I started gaming.

And ran into a couple of men who sparked that interest in me again. I certainly didn’t go looking for it, but it landed in my lap. Three of them. One turned out to be the jackass of the century. One disappeared. And one turned into a good friend.

When people ask the question “What do you get out of cyber, anyway?”, it’s a hard question to answer. Different people bring different things to the table. I’ve been inspired to fiction. I’ve been inspired to blog. I’ve been inspired to pull the vibrator out of my desk drawer *grin. It depends on each situation what you get out of it. And what you put into it counts, too.

But I think the most important thing for me, besides sexual gratification is that cyber fuels my imagination. And for me, that’s so much more than sexual. That’s life and breath.

Boring is for someone else. I need to be engaged in whatever I’m doing – sexually or otherwise. If what I’m talking about with anyone doesn’t put vivid images in my head and make me “write ahead” about what it’s making me feel, then it’s not going to keep me mentally occupied. I’ll drift. That’s why I do the work that I do (problem solving, creatively), that’s why I write, that’s why I make soap, that’s why I love to bake, that’s why I love sex. Creativity takes the activity to the next level.

I’ve had bad, unimaginative cyber and I’ve gotten away from it quickly. And I have had incredibly creative cyber that’s kept me engaged and made me want to write, to continue, to build the images into something that I can keep with me, like a piece of fiction or an essay like these.

I want to be inspired to actually ‘play along’. I want to be inspired to *want to take the cybersex into the real world, whether I ever do or not. I want to want.

I don’t go looking for it, ever. I never have. And that’s because cyber with random strangers is neither inviting nor interesting to me. Getting to know someone outside the realm of sexual experience, getting to know who they are, what they like – talking about sex but not ‘doing it’ in the real or cyber world is where I build a connection with someone that’s necessary for me to be able to enjoy myself and relax. I want to be comfortable but not so comfortable that it’s predictable. I want to learn something new about myself through them, and I want them to take someone that I like and make it their own in such a way that they like it, too. For someone to capture my attention and keep it, there really needs to be some common ground upon which I can start to build that palette I need to open to being inspired. Chances are if someone tries that in the first two or three conversations I have with them, I will walk away from them. Because it’s not going to give me what I want and need.

I wrote a few years ago about my search for a new muse. And this is what I was talking about. Someone who can inspire me to dream in sex without sleeping. Someone who looks at things differently than I do, and can let me see through their eyes. I want to take someone else’s wants and try them on for size. Cyber allows me to do that safely. Cyber allows me to walk a different path than I might feel comfortable walking in my well worn boots.

And besides all of that, cyber with someone who has a good vocabulary, a willingness to experiment and a fantastic sense of their own sexuality is just fucking fun.