Risk.

When you risk losing everything, you invariably stand to gain everything. (The L Word, Season 2)

You’re not living your life, Shane, and if you don’t take any risks you might as well be dead. (The L Word, Season 2)

I talk a good game about making myself vulnerable to life in general and taking risks. And I do take a great deal more than I used to. But I don’t remember the last time I made myself completely vulnerable to anyone or anything.

Probably while I was married.

I left myself completely open to C. Even after we separated, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and left myself wide open to be hurt. And I was.

About two years ago – before I moved from my apartment in West Madison – something turned that off. I built some defenses up. And as far as my emotional health is concerned, that was probably a very good thing. I still took small risks with my emotions and larger risks in other parts of my life, but I did miss the feeling of opening myself up to someone in a vulnerable sort of way. I still do.

I don’t know if I feel ready to do that on a consistent basis, though. I don’t think I’m ready to say to someone “you hold all the cards”. I think I want to be ready, but I really don’t think I am.

The “you hold all the cards” line is also from The L Word. I do remember now why I enjoyed this series so much the first time I watched it. It really does give me pause, and it makes me stop and think about things – like risk and vulnerability – in my own life.