Okay, so, I'm 40 today.

I expected to feel awful. I don't. Maybe it's not sunk in yet lol.

My folks called first thing this morning to wish me a happy birthday. I don't really expect anyone else - namely, C, to call. He forgets birthdays and dates in general, unless someone reminds him.

So I'm gonna go about my day normally, and see where it takes me.

Okay, so. Maybe I went a little overboard there *chuckle*

One particular word has been gnawing at me lately.

Faith.

Not religious faith. No, I'm a recovering catholic with pagan tendencies and I'm quite happy with that.

I'm talking about faith in other people. Somewhere along the line over the last 20 years, I seem to have lost most of that.

I used to be a very trusting soul. Too trusting. As I said to a friend recently, I can still feel the scars when I get too close to the stove *chuckle*.

So, it takes a lot for me to put any trust into someone. And then once I do, if they burn me -- it goes deep.

That's how I feel with C right now. Not because I feel burnt by him - but because I feel as if I put trust in him when we got back together and got married that we would work *together* to make sure things worked between us. And, when we separated - and ya, even now - it seems way too easy for him, and frankly way too difficult for me.

Maybe it's not easy for him. But my lack of faith doesn't allow me to believe he's hiding anything. I try to always take people at face value. Maybe that's my problem - I don't read between the lines (so to speak) - I kinda feel that goes along with the game playing I ranted about before.

Anyway. I have a little note tacked on the bulletin board on my desk that says simply "Faith." I look at it several times during the day, and try to remind myself that -- not just with C, but other people as well - things may not be as they superficially appear.

It's a fine line we walk.
And my balance has never been good.