Not very clear

So, in this post, I wrote the following:

Maybe for once I want to be the center of attention; the one who gets fallen for; the one someone pines for, misses, wants more than 'just until something better comes along'.

I was feeling a little down when I wrote that, to begin with. I refuse to edit it though because that's how I felt at that time. And frankly, part of it is very true, and something that I have indeed been tired of.

I haven't held back about discussing most of the relationships I've had in the last several years. Most of them dysfunctional, and the ones that weren't ended badly because they began badly for the wrong reasons. Compound this with having been recently told that my most recent ex was "only with me until something better came along" (To be fair, in his case, I apparently do not have all of the requisite equipment that he's looking for....). I laughed it off, because frankly, he's been 'single' since we split (so his 'better' is his hand *snicker), but it stung.

And that's not the first time in my life I've heard that, either.

But I don't really want to talk about relationships. I'm tired of talking about my past relationships.

What I want to talk about is the relationships I don't have, nor have I ever really had.

I am a smart girl.
I am a pretty girl, some would even say sexy... *grin
I am silly and funny and witty.

And yet, I can't ever remember anyone ever pining for me, falling for me (before I made it apparent that I was already falling for them). (Wait, let me clarify that by saying anyone who was within 20 years of age of me *chuckle*) I'm just not that girl, I guess.

And that's not the only kinda girl I'm not .....

I've been trying to write this post for 3 days. I have notes. I've had this post sitting in Firefox, half written. I can't believe I'm struggling with this so much. That frustrates me. And it's not helping me finish...

I have a couple of friends -- current and past friends -- who just seemed to have this knack for having all (or a lot anyway) of the boys flocking to them. They are center of attention people. They know how to talk to everyone, make everyone feel comfortable, even gets the boys to fall for her, rather she really wants them to or not. All of the guys flirt with her, dote on her, speak kindly and gently to her.

This is not me. That has never been me.

But I gotta wonder what it would feel like to have that - to be that.

These women aren't any smarter than me. They aren't necessarily prettier or sexier. They have confidence, but so do I.

But maybe I am just not that girl. I never thought base charisma was a problem for me, but maybe it is. I do flirt subtly. But maybe I'm just too subtle.

This all feels very disjointed to write, but if I don't get it all out here, I'm just going to keep staring at this page ...

I'm not sure there's anything I can really do about this, or at least, anything I'd be willing to do about it. If I am not that kind of girl that guys just fall for like that. I am the comfortable girl, the good girl, the girl that gets them through their issues and makes them feel better about themselves...I am, as I have said on many occasions...the catalyst in their lives.

I'm not content with that. And I think maybe that's part of why I feel stuck.

Because I don't get it.

I'm not happy with this post, but I'm not going to edit it. Maybe I'll read it a couple hundred times, and it'll clarify for me. If it does, I'll post a follow up.

If it doesn't...well, let's blame it on too much coffee and leave it with that.