Faithless

No, this picture doesn't have anything to do with what I'm going to write about, but it's a hot little outfit and I thought perhaps since I have a not-hot subject to write about, this might help.

It occurred to me sometime yesterday that I've always considered myself shy and a little insecure.

And then this morning, when a friend said to me that he was shy, I said to him that often times, shyness is mistaken for a fear of rejection.

But as I was driving to meet my folks today it occurred to me that even that may not be my answer.

No.  I think for me it's that I just don't have any faith in anyone anymore.

The psychic said to me Friday night that I don't depend on anyone because I can't -- or, I've been shown that I can't depend on anyone else for anything. And she was right. It's why I don't ask for help.  It's why I don't ask for things I want or need.  And it's why I have such a difficult time putting myself out there.

I've spent the better part of my life waffling between holding people to the same high standards I hold myself to, and not expecting much and then being overly grateful when I get anything.

Neither of these are ideal.  And I'm not sure I know where - or what - that middle ground is.

I can't spend the rest of my life faithless.  Nor can I go to the other end of that spectrum (where I spent way too much time as it is) and just trust everyone.  I know there's a happy medium there.  I've seen most everyone I know use it and succeed.  I just don't know how.  I guess that's my next big thing to ponder.

I'm not saying that I'm not at all shy.  Or that I'm not at all insecure.  I think both of those are at least partially true in a small way.  And I am most definitely one to not ask, as to not be rejected.  But the deeper part of that is that I expect to be rejected, and as a human being, I should not expect that.

If for nothing else, the trip Friday night was worth it for the simple fact that it's forced me to think -- and to look at things differently.

While it's not easy, it's necessary.

Now, pardon me while I go lose myself in "The Secret Diary of a Call Girl - Season 1."  I think I've earned some distraction time *smile