What I was trying to say was.....

I started something in my entry called Ask, Say, Do but I never really got where I was going. After a quiet night (I watched Clerks II, it wasn't all that quiet I guess), and a bit of thought, I think I'll see if I can't get there this time.

I tend to be a person who trusts her instincts in most aspects of my life. I seem to have very good ones for the most part (although two divorces might say different...) and when I trust myself and follow them, I seem to do pretty well.

Being submissive to someone then sometimes fucks with that. I'll want to say - or want to ask for - or want to do something, but the good-girl-overachiever-submissive in me makes me stop. She pleads for me to reconsider, and wait; to do what I'm told and nothing else, because if we take that chance and follow our gut instinct, we might ruin a perfectly good evening/encounter/dominant's plans for us.

I've asked some of the dominants I know and trust about this. Most of them laugh at me for a minute before they realize I'm serious. And then they tell me that I'm being a silly little girl and to get over it.

Let's face it. 99% of the men in this world like a woman to take some initiative. Not all the time maybe in the case of a strict dominant, but find me a man who doesn't like to be seduced, and I'll sell you my ex-husbands for a buck. Contrary to what we've been taught, ladies, good girls *do* seduce men they find attractive, and they do it for reasons aside from cars, houses, good marriages. They do it for sex.

As a capable, creative and sensual woman, I can find hundreds of ways to seduce a man. I think of them, sometimes I even write them down. But when the time comes to act on them, sometimes it's more difficult than others. The damn goody-two-shoes submissive in me digs her nails in and fights me.

Maybe that's part of the reason that I haven't looked for a full time dominant. Maybe the idea of that scares me a bit because I don't *like* to fight myself that much. Yes, I want to be sexually submissive to someone (and sometimes non-sexually too) but I want to *know* with absolute certainty that if the mood strikes me, he's not going to get all weirded out by me putting a move on him. That if I suggest *gasp* that he let me tie him to the bed and tease him for a couple hours he's not going to flip out. I'm not a switch and I'm not dominant. But sometimes I do enjoy teasing and tormenting a man sexually *grin* - it can be just as much fun as the reverse when the timing is right.